Anxiety

Laughter fills the classroom after I suddenly blurted something completely random, embarrassing myself purposely. It was nothing new, there was never a day I wasn't smiling, there was never a day I wasn't doing something ridiculous to make someone smile or laugh.

No one would believe me if I told them what really goes in my head, behind closed doors. Even if they did, they shouldn't worry about me; their needs are more important than mine to me. "Samira!" My English teacher calls out, snapping me out of my thoughts. Right... I'm still in class, almost forgot. "Are you even paying attention? Read the next paragraph." I nodded slightly as a classmate tried to secretly show me where we were at in the book, then began to read aloud to the students in my class.

For someone who was really outgoing and talkative, I really disliked new people, publicly speaking to a crowd of people. I stutter quite a bit when I'm anxious and I have to always be moving, sitting still was something I was never good at. I always shake, somedays I shake more than others. I cry easily, yet, my anger can get really bad. I can't sleep in the dark, nor can I sleep if my closet is open. I hate being alone, but I hate being around too much people. It seems the more I push my feelings down, the worse I get. Still, I don't mention it to anyone. I don't mention what causes my pain.

Finally class ended, it seemed like it was never going to honestly. "Sammie! Hey! Ready to go to lunch?" I turned my head to my right slightly, seeing my best friend, Valentine. With a big smile, I nod my head rapidly and put my phone in my pocket to put my focus on her. "Where are the others? Usually we all walk to the cafeteria together." She shrugged her shoulders, wasting no time and started to talk about our plans for this upcoming weekend. My friend group consists of five girls; Valentine, Marceline, Rayne, Luna, and me.

I won't lie, we don't all get along as much as people think we do. We always have a new problem with one of us that causes the whole group to argue and they always leave me to make the decisions in the group. "So Val, we are all going to go to your house this weekend for your birthday?" I asked to comfirm that was the plan. Valentine's 16th birthday, she wanted it simple this year and to spend time with her best friends. She gave me a simple 'yes', sitting down on one of the tall chairs. I had to literally hop onto the chair, me being too short. Not long after we sat down, the other three appear at the table, taking their seats. "We were taking pictures in the auditorium, sorry." Rayne apologized, smiling at Valentine and I.

Everyone was in journalism, but me. It wasn't my thing and I had other things to worry about. I stare at the table as everyone began to eat, seeing how messy they were really made me become anxious. Valentine could see how tensed I was getting, she knew how much I hated dirty things— messes. "You okay, Sammie?" She whispered to me in a soft, delicate voice. I simply just nod, putting my headphones in and turning my music up.

I was always the girl blasting music and dancing in the hallways. Yes... that girl that everyone gets annoyed of. But hey, it made people smile and that's all that matters, right? It was hard to always have a smile plastered on my face. Am I considered a fraud? Am I a fake? No, because it truly does make me happy seeing everyone else happy. No one deserves to go through what I had, no one deserves the trauma.

The school day came to an end, saying our goodbyes and departing to go home. This was always the part I dreaded the most, going home. I would rather be at school than home, I surprisingly enjoy school. High school isn't as bad as everyone claims it to be. My uncle was picking us up from school today, soon spotting his car and walked towards it, getting in. "Hi uncle!" I tried my best to say as cheerful as possible, looking behind me to see my two brothers sitting in the back and saying hi to them.. He replied with a hi back, beginning to drive home. My fear of him was screaming on the inside, but I tried my best to hide that. I turned the music up in the car and began to jam, ignoring the thoughts... the voices. The car ride home was loud as always, my brothers fighting in the back and goofing around. Those two really mean the world to me, I would do anything to protect them.

We eventually made it home, the boys running inside to fight over who would play the xbox today. I let out a little laugh as I saw them shove each other. When I began to walk towards the front door, a sudden question made me come to a halt. "Why is your shirt so short? You shouldn't be wearing clothes like that out." When I turned around, I met his eyes. The way he looked at me made it seem like I was <i>his</i> property and I hated it with everything in me. "I can wear whatever I want to wear." I simply told him, walking into the house. I knew if I hung out in the same room as my brothers, I wouldn't end up in a room alone with him.

You see, I thought this never-ending nightmare would continue until I moved out, but I was wrong. What I didn't know was something big was going to happen that would change everything. It would all come to an end if I really believed it, maybe if I stood up for myself in the beginning instead of waiting years after.