Chapter 1 – Sanity?    

In the latest model of light blue Ford Mustang 2019, Hadi was on his way back home. The sun was glaring, which made his expensive car look prodigiously shinny. He glimpsed at his reflection in the side rear mirror: the clean shaved face with beautiful sharp features, smooth nose, and usual size forehead seemed perfectly fit over his semi-bulky body.

"But your hair betrayed you, mister", he said to himself, as he noticed his light hairline.

He looked like a fancy middle-aged guy who has started to get bald because of all the professional demands. While in reality, the amount of stress may have been equal but he was not even close to being rich. He was just a regular employer at the digital media company. But still, he somehow managed to buy this beast last year. He had always been very fond of cars.

This interest of him could be rooted back in his childhood and his father's love for sports cars. Although his father worked at a fine company himself but spent most of his savings on cars which caused them to live a regular but fine life. Not poorly simple though where one starves for delicious food and only dreams of luxuries, but rather the life with basic necessities. Other than their huge yearly extra pocket money from which they could buy whatever they wished for, they spent simple life. His parents believed in spending life not too extravagantly, excluding his father's exceptional curiosity for every new model of car in the market. Even their non-materialistic mindsets could not spare his father from such cravings. His father always had separate savings for cars and whenever he was tight on budget, he used to borrow the new models for a few days and rode them around the city. Although he never bragged about anything to anyone. He used to just quietly drive around the city. He used to do it for himself and not to show anyone. Probably, this was the blessing of his mindset as he never worried about what others would say if he couldn't buy the latest model.

Considering his own insecurities, Hadi realized how happy his parents were even in such a simple lifestyle. Meanwhile, Hadi had 3 more siblings; one sister and two brothers, and they all were eventually busy and contented in their own lives.

"Probably only Adil have inherited mama's love for nature. Otherwise, we all have got either more of baba's likeability or none from both" he thought to himself, considering his siblings' personalities while touching his darling's steering wrapped and beautifully shaped in dark brown shiny leather.

The sun was at its peak, as if though it was furiously angry at someone. Even in his fine black suit with a white cotton button-down shirt underneath and the black-tie around his neck, which was so tight that even the normal heat could have easily suffocated him to death, but he felt fine.

"After all, the savings were spent well", he stated to no one in the car. He felt proud for spending all his money on this car because, despite all the melting heat outside, he felt perfectly chill inside his car. "What if I open this window right now, huh? would you feel equally cool and chill?", he snorted. "No? So it seems like I did not waste all this money after all! Unlike what you always say, heh". He tilted his face and smirked at the empty seat beside him as if someone invisible is sitting there and gave a villainous-triumphant short laugh. Then he turned back to the road, and his sudden movement caused the sunlight to pierce in his eyes. Maybe the sun was furious at him. Consequently, impelling him to close his eyes with sheer pain. He unconsciously pushed his left foot and the car stopped after racing some miles, producing a deafening screech. The car stood still, unlike his heart, which was pounding extremely, and he secretly wished for his car's safety.

"Neither a single scratch nor anything big", gladly he announced after revolving around the car as he examined it for any flaw. If he were given a choice, he could have happily accepted injuries to himself instead of even a single scratch on his car.

***

Being extra cautious due to the sun, he was driving at rather below than regular speed this time. It was around 2 pm. He turned up the volume and some random song started playing, he grabbed his aux wire and connected his phone. The road was almost empty and at such slow speed, he had all the time to easily search for his song; so he did.

He was sluggishly scanning his playlist, "Afreen Afreen?"

"Nah, not in the mood"

"Try Everything?"

"Probably"

He played the song and seated back. It started in its optimistic tone which made him clinch in his seat. Even though it was his favorite and go-to song every time he felt down. But right now, he wanted to listen to some other kind of song and he could not decide which. He immediately changed it, and the next one was Good-bye, by Apparat; a German musician. He knew nothing about the musician but found the song through the thriller and utterly dark series, "Dark", which he watched a few months back.

He recalled an article which he had read few weeks before about this song and how many times it was used before; it has been used various times before this show, like in French trailer of rust and bone film, in the trailer of Prisoners, in a finale episode of famous series Breaking Bad, and the list was long which he could not remember now. But this version of the song was produced in collaboration with Anja Plaschg, an Austrian artist, and her experimental music project Soap and skin was used in it, which gave this song a heavenly feel.

It was relaxing and could give you chills at the same time. It had a horrible feel to it which made you feel uncomfortable for a while, making your skin crawl even in its place. It was playing quietly, not because the volume was low but because the song was like this. Quiet in its nature. Unlike other songs, it had whispers. And it felt like someone is whispering your secrets in your ears, reminding you of your sinful hideous acts. The first line was after almost 20 seconds and those seconds were long enough to reflect somebody's filthy life to himself.

The opening line was, "Please put me to bed and turn down the light" it gave him a chill already and something inside him told him to change the song immediately, but he couldn't move and the song obviously went on,

"Foldout your hands

Give me a sign

Hold down your lies

Lay down next to me

Don't listen when I scream

Bury your doubts and fall asleep"

These few lines felt like they had pushed him to the dense deep hole which he had been avoiding for the longest time. "hold down your lies", the words struck him and echoed, taking him to the time he had spent with Anna in past few years. How they both hang out together, talked for hours; during work hours and late-night gossips and all his fantasies. It hit him like a rock all of a sudden. He felt like drowning; suffocating, deeper and deeper with each word.

"Let the bed sheet

Soak up my tears

And watch the only way out disappear

Don't tell me why"

Apparat did not stop. Although, Hadi wished for him too. He kept whispering in his ears, reminding him of how filthy he is in reality. Kept telling him that no matter how many clean clothes you wear or what fancy car you sit in; you are still that dirty unworthy person in reality.

"Talk to me", someone whispered from the back of his mind and a moment later, shouted, "Why", "Why you don't talk to me!", this time shouting contained hideous pain. He immediately looked back but there was no one in the back seat. He was all alone in the car and also felt utter, deeply alone in that fraction of that second. "Please tell me, did I do something wrong?", this time he recognized the voice, and his heart throbbed, it was Meeru's.

"For neither ever, nor never

Goodbye

Neither ever, nor never

Goodbye"

He felt the sudden urge to hug her and tell her how sorry he was. Tell her how he is feeling right now. Remind her of all those happy years they had spent together and promise her for many more. His face looked like he was silently mourning from the inside. As if his outer hard shell was stopping him from actually doing this all. From expressing this all. His eyes filled with painful tears and his expressions were gloomy. But he drank back it all and took a deep breath.

"How ironic!", he thought to himself. "How much pain it brings me every time and still this song is what I want to listen to every time!". "Maybe one can love pain. Crave for pain? huh? Yes, people like me crave pain. Maybe it's the only way of reminding ourselves what we had done. What kind of person we really are", he continued with an expressionless face, "of what we had taken for granted?"

"Neither ever, nor never,

Goodbye"