Chapter 080

"Sigh..."

A long sigh wafted through the starry night sky of Pervaz.

A bench by a well, empty at this late hour.

Asha was alone in the darkness, looking up at the sky, trying to clear her alcohol-addled head.

Just in case, she held a dagger in her hand. She knew that she was now in the middle of danger, so much so that she had to carry a dagger for self-defense at all times.

"The moon is bright."

She didn't remember much about the dinner with the two young ladies.

Even though she had forced herself to eat, her appetite had disappeared completely because of Cecilia, and after that, the conversation had turned to a topic that she couldn't participate in, so she had just nodded her head and left.

'Did they think I was strange?'

She felt like she had been acting strange all day.

She had tried to act the same as usual in front of Carlyle, but she felt awkward and ridiculous, and she sometimes felt a sense of self-loathing.

But what else could she do but pretend that she didn't care about last night's sleeping together?

In fact, she wasn't even sure what the cause of the stuffiness, sadness, and excitement she was feeling right now was.

'What the hell do I want to do?'

As she fought the war, she kept thinking about him. No, maybe even before that.

She didn't think she could answer if someone asked her why.

Because she didn't know the reason herself.

'To me, he's a man of such a different status, arrogant, unlucky, the best in the world at making people angry, and only talking about annoying things.'

She thought of his face as he looked down on her and mocked her.

'And yet he helps rebuild Pervaz, respects me and the people of Pervaz, and protects us from the attacks of the savages....'

She also thought of his figure as he looked like a monarch who had come down to protect Pervaz.

'Which side is the real one?'

She also thought of his appearance last night, when he seemed about to insult her as a prostitute but treated her like the most precious woman in the world, and the way he smiled softly at Cecilia and Dorothea this evening, came to mind one after another.

[Miss Cecilia certainly has an excellent ability to read the atmosphere and flow of aristocratic society. It seems that she has also studied the art of kingship quite a bit. She seems to have a lot in common with me.]

[Is it her father's influence? Miss Dorothea seems to have a considerable depth of knowledge. I'm learning a lot from talking to her.]

The fact that he had praised Cecilia and Dorothea so highly was strangely engraved in her mind.

'He didn't say a single word of sarcasm to those young ladies....'

Flowers of the social world, born into powerful aristocratic families and raised beautifully. They are probably innocent and beautiful women who have never seen the dirty and terrible side of the world.

'After all, how could I be the same as those who grew up to be empresses?'

That's right. The Crown Princess, and the future Empress, should be such women.

You have to be able to see through the intentions of the powerful who hide daggers behind their smiling faces, and you have to be able to smile with them while attacking them one step ahead.

If not, you have to know enough to discuss the future with Carlyle.

'Of course, you have to be beautiful and elegant, and you have to be able to lead the ladies. You have to help the Emperor with the power of your family, and you have to be a place for the lonely Emperor to lean on...'

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was a place that didn't suit me at all.

Now I think I understand a little how the imperial family and the aristocracy were shocked by my marriage to Carlyle.

'What am I thinking? Of course it's not a place for me.'

A bitter and empty laugh leaked out.

'But why is this... Why my heart hurts...?'

How can I describe this feeling?

It was strange that the deepest part of my chest was tingling, and it was too painful to be called a negative emotion.

Yes, one thing is for sure, I'm in a lot of pain right now.

So much so that she, who had never had a stomachache in her life, had to grab her stomach and curl up.

'I wish I didn't have any thoughts...'

But the head always betrays the will of itsmaster.

Because I'm still thinking of Carlyle, who was thanking me just now.

[I've never gotten along so well with anyone in my life. It was a battle that I will remember for a long time, even though it was difficult.]

Did Carlyle have any idea how much that throwaway line would mean to me?

I was happy that he recognized me as a fellow warrior, that he saved my face in front of everyone who was laughing at me, but most of all, that he trusted me completely.

Asha had also never gotten along so well with anyone in her life.

It was a truly amazing experience.

So much so that she kissed him in the middle of a killing field.

'I've been crazy since then.'

I wanted to agree with Carlyle so badly just now.

I will never forget that battle either.

I will never, ever forget it.

'Idiot.'

Asha tried to stop her mind from thinking about Carlyle and drew her dagger from its sheath to cut her own forearm.

The pain of the cut and the blood made her think that she wouldn't have such stupid thoughts anymore, even if she lost her mind to the pain.

However, the hand that was about to self-harm was stopped by another hand that suddenly reached out from behind.

"Are you crazy?"

"Decker…?

She turned around in surprise and saw Decker looking down at her with a shocked expression.

"Oh, when did you come?"

"You didn't even know I was coming?"

That was surprising.

Because of the long war, any soldier of Pervaz was sensitive to the sound of footsteps. Especially Asha.

"I'm sorry. I'm a little drunk."

"You're sorry you didn't know I was coming? That's not what you're sorry for, is it?"

He shook Asha's hand, which was still holding the dagger.

"Ah…"

"What were you trying to do? Were you really trying to carve a flower pattern on your forearm?"

"It's nothing."

"It's nothing? Are you really crazy?"

At Decker's rebuke, Asha opened and closed her mouth and then sighed.

"Uh. I think I'm going crazy."

"Asha…?"

"I think I really am. To be honest, I wanted to stab my head with a knife."

"What are you talking about?"

"Because my head is even more horrible!"

Asha dropped the dagger and covered her face with both hands.

Everything was a mess.

She had thought she was strong, but that was a complete illusion.

Her reason and patience, which had been like a strong wall, collapsed and were destroyed in just one night, as if they had been waiting for a chance to collapse.

"What's wrong? Don't just whine to yourself and talk to me."

"It's nothing."

"It's nothing and you're acting like this? You, who even endured when the Count or your brothers died, but now you're like this?"

"Oh, right.... I'm really a horrible person."

She had gritted her teeth and endured even when her blood relatives died, but now she was trying to cut herself because of this strange emotion of unknown origin.

Asha began to hate herself more and more.

Of course, Decker didn't mean what she said.

"Asha, look at me. Like I said last time, no matter what you're thinking or what situation you're in, I'm on your side."

"I know."

"So tell me about it. You never know. I might be able to help."

Asha smiled faintly.

"You can't help me. And it's not something you can help with. It's just…"

She swallowed her tears and gulped a few times before looking up at the sky again.

"It's just something I need to sort out myself."

"Asha."

"I'm not lying. Just give me some time."

There was no way he could pry further after she said that.

"If… if things really get tough, promise me you'll tell me. Don't try to do something stupid like before."

"…"

"Just promise me that, Asha. Okay?"

Asha finally nodded at Decker's earnest pleading and leaned her forehead on his chest.

"Thank you, Decker."

Decker hugged Asha's shoulders, which looked particularly tired today, and then let her go.

In fact, he wanted to hold her until she told him what was on her mind, but he couldn't help but hold back for fear that Asha would start crying.

He could only watch her back as she got up and disappeared into the darkness.

'Asha, what on earth is making you look so sad?'

The moon was very bright. The shadows created by the moon made the night even darker.

And in that dark shadow, Carlyle had just witnessed Asha throwing herself into Decker's arms while they were talking.

TL/N: Here comes our Batman from the shadows again 😭

'How strange. It seems like I'm seeing the two of them here quite often….'

He was the one who had come out after Asha, belatedly worried about her as she left the dining table.

Strangely enough, he had come here because he had a feeling that Asha would be here, but even though he had looked for her, she was no longer alone.

It was fine until the two of them were talking, but from the moment Asha limply leaned her head on Decker's chest, he couldn't help but clench his fists and watch.

'They're not in a relationship? Are you kidding me?'