34. Holding out for a Hero.

My metal feeling had gone, and my wounds had healed, so he had taken the metal into himself and then healed me still. I then went into one room only to find that the kitchen was full of men, and it was strange to see fucking machines making food or desserts, and no one even smelled of sex.

Everyone was in a good mood and chatting, talking about recipes and I saw that they had made versions of a few foods that I used to make my inventions, but of course, these had elevated those dishes or modified them. 

I knew I had to get to the gym. That memory that Damon's job brought to the surface had to be buried and buried deep. I didn't want to go through that, not at all. Now was not the time to remember how I had killed my friends. Not at all. I needed to be strong, for me, because that was a way for me to function.

I went to the shower and retired to be by myself. I knew Adam and Charles were with the wolves. I had heard them, and Damon must have told them I was fine. But what he did popped such a terrible memory to the surface. One time, when I was a prisoner, I needed to get that memory hidden back in my new chamber of horrors, and this time, no one could get in there.

I had killed my friends before but not like this, hell I had killed Rob, Hugh, and so many others, but this one was the worst of them all. I had told no one how Rob had died, not a soul. I had been the sole survivor from that place and this, too. 

This time, I'm strong, and I won't share. It's not my place to share because this pack is so innocent. I saw it at the gig, and it went to Damon and Mariella's heads. Even though Damon tried to teach me not to do any more gigs, it wasn't my decision because I didn't know the future.

I am willing to do what is necessary for others. Even Damon hates this part of me. My selflessness, but it is just who I am. Always put others before myself. Put the lives and needs of others before mine and I will always do that. Because I can take that hit that they can't and I have always saved innocents. 

I tried to concentrate, push the fucking memory away, and no, heck, well, I had to try another tactic and go to the gym. It usually got me in the right frame of mind so that the memory would be buried deep, where all the other shit is. I had gotten quite good at beating my frustrations and horrors back inside me. This had been taught by Magnum. He had been real strict with me and my rage, too. Managing it.

It was like every one of my five had managed or helped me manage some aspect of myself and then when I was now part of the pack; I had last my backup, and I had to do this alone. Fine, I could do it. Wulfe had kept my vampire side, Magnum my rage, Colin my health, Murdock my will to fight, and Dexter had kept my need to help and heal. It was ironic, but he had reminded me over and over again of all the good that I had done. It was time for me to grow up and not need my crutches. 

I got out of bed and grabbed my gear. This pack life would still be so damn tricky, at least in part, because even though I'd been close, sleeping on Damon, feeling safe, I still felt alone, not belonging, not even the little bit of belonging I might have felt before. I was alien, amongst them and no one would know me, I would not let them.

I had no sense of actual security and I had not even fucked with anyone but number one. And somehow he seemed to be satisfied in that state. Even I had now 13 other husbands. This possessiveness was also quite new to him, sure he had been possessive before, jealous, but this was a whole new level. Somehow, I felt he wanted to be the first to know if I would have some kind of problem. He was so much more protector than he had been in years in that old time. 

My alpha power was strong, but it was messy. I had used and modified it quite a lot, and it was hard for Damon to get. I was so much stronger even though he had taken my powers, and on more than one occasion, seven years of torment had made me incredibly strong in terms of the powers I possessed. I had learned to use every ability that I had and gotten a few new ones along the way, too.

Even they might have cleansed it at some point, or if they did, it would not be easy. I learned I am not just alpha female but alpha shifter and alpha vampire, so I had three different alpha powers or factions on it, my regular alpha female power, my alpha vampire power, and my alpha shifter power. All of them were dirty and very potent. 

What Damon took was my regular alpha power. Not my two other ones. I was not gonna speak about them. I felt like even if Damon took powers every day for a year, I wouldn't be as weak as I was before. And I wasn't supposed to be weak, so I wasn't the little protégé. Damon was stronger because of me, but I didn't see him as stronger than me anymore, as a protector.

I was my own best protector, and even if this drug phobia of mine didn't protect me from bullets, it was a bit more complex than just a protective mechanism. It was born out of the 16 times I was a prisoner, and always for two months at least. I felt like I had spent almost half my time as a prisoner of the medical establishment, and yet I survived. I was a survivor, and I didn't need anyone else. No one at all.

I went for a walk to the gym in my thoughts, and Four joined me. So it was so strange, and what made it even more unbelievable was that it smelled like my Damon. Who I thought had disappeared, embedded inside number one. But then again, maybe these were more genuine Damon because they had been recovered while my Damon had been surfacing. Maybe that's why these had been fucking machines.

Number four had been in pen in I used to sign all of my divorce papers and he had felt me, unable to do anything and I guess that had driven him to try to unload all of that shit inside him by fucking as it was a habit in lust pack. But it seemed that he had made some progress as he was not fucking anyone, but he was my Damon. 

But I was not the same Mimi as back then. Even those had had hard times, those had been nothing compared to these seven years that had hardened me so much that I was left to feeling and wondering will I would be able to feel actual feelings ever again. Or am I just in my shell, not able to feel anymore as I felt again this gnawing emptiness inside me?

I worked out in the gym, trying to beat, punch, and kick the memory into hiding, trying not to remember the screams and the anger I saw. I tried not to remember the trip to Lake Lanier, how I went to all the relatives and told them what I did and what broke my heart so fucking many times. They would understand and not blame me, not one bit.

I blamed myself for each and every death that had happened and these had been so freaking heartbreaking, that acceptance, and a few of them tried to motivate me to escape. To take out my rage, to make sure that I would survive and be in some condition. 

But when the number four looked at me, watched me trying to beat my demons into hiding, and he was so fucking my Damon that he directly saw what I was trying to do. And then I was weak anyway, and I told him. I finally fell asleep in his arms, with him still stroking me when he fished all the rotten memories out of my mind, and I could see in Number One's eyes he had not understood because I kept hidden those experiences. I fell asleep to the familiar smell of passion fruit. him stroking me.

Fourth carried Mimi to Medbay, where Mariella and Number One were already. He was shocked. They were all shocked at first by the story but also by the fact that Mimi had been a prisoner 16 times. This was his Mimi, his one and only and he had learned quite a bitter lesson in these seven years. There would not be any difference if Mariella had made him drink one potion or a hundred for him because it was just his heart. You can't force love, and that was the lesson that Mariella had not learned. Well, maybe she would one time, but he would keep on being with Mimi and helping her.

It was directly their fault, and number four saw how number one blamed himself. Like always, there would be probably fucking happening as soon as they would get Mimi in some sort of shape. Mimi has a shell and armor because of him and how she's changed so drastically. How he, too, had flashed in his mind whether they would ever get their Mimi back out or whether these seven years would scar this incredible woman so badly.

Slowly, all the salvatores came to the medbay.

Number one said, " Mimi had an incredibly rotten memory. Number four got it out, but there's a dungeon. Let's go clean it up first and try to heal it at the same time. This lady has been hiding those experiences because I've been very deep in her mind ever since Mimi came back and knew nothing about it."

Number two raised his brow. He was genuinely surprised, as he had been also deeper into Mimi's mind than Mariella's.

Number one continued, "So, the lady has a stash. But how do we get it out? Right now, I don't know what's going to come of the reproduction until we get Mimi to trust us again and at least let down a bit of armor and calm down. We have to cleanse the alpha power then, and I have to take it off even more. This creature is so incredibly strong and resilient, impossibly completely messed up and insecure. She is still not used to touch, to intimacy."

Then they got on with it. All of them, even Adam and Charles, knew that every word was true. Mimi was in a shell, and you couldn't blame her, but to get this creature out of that shell and to get that shell off, you had to do it slowly and patiently, and there shouldn't be any setbacks. So this was another test of fire for number one.

It took them two days to clean out the chamber, and Damon said to the others, "You go and get some rest. I'm going to do some work on Mimi and see if I can find those memories. Any bits of them. She had hidden them too well, but if I could get some of them spilling out, I might see if there were rotten bits. "

Four said, "I might have a better shot. You see, I'm Damon, which Mimi remembers. I smell right, too. "

Mariella got all wrapped up in the four and started working on him. Now was not the time to split the pack between the women and Mimi's Damon. Well, that in itself was dangerous, as it had only been part of him, and Mimi would have to learn all over him again.

So Mariella had to fiddle with all of them, to bring them together completely, so that they weren't different sides of him. Damon himself knew how liberating it was to be whole, completely whole.

Number four said quite coldly to Mariella, "Mariella. I don't love you, not in a way like a number one does, and no matter how many potions you will make me drink, won't turn me into a robot and make me love you. I have learned that Mimi is one for me because she is mine. You are the number one's. You have always been and you will always be. My dear, you can't force love. I can not love you, just the power of your potions. No one of us, so-called fucking machines, can't. If you want us, you need to get us, learn to be with us, not use as toys when one is busy with Mimi." 

Mariella looked at the number four. Number one had heard this too, walking close by and said, "Well. You are correct, you can't force love but you need to get all those sides fully immersed into you, don't split yourself into fractions, it doesn't work and even it is and feels wonderful to have Mimi to fall asleep in your arms, keeping her safe, don't sacrifice yourself over her needs, because you won't help her. You just confuse her and make her cling to the past. Just one part of us. The part that is quite a big part of me, I can admit it, but it is fully immersed within me. I am not forcing you to love Mariella. I am a jealous guy and I like to keep her to myself, but you need to drink whatever Mariella gives you. Pack leader order."

Number four was silent as One walked away. Mariella was confused. Half of the salvatores did not love her, but Mimi. What would a holiday in the Azores be like? Or pack life. Then she realized she was being a princess again. It was time for her to start to grow up, too. She had number one, and that was all that she needed. 

Number one was busy, so Mariella went to make a few potions and then they would see just who loves whom and how much. She was not gonna make any love potions, but the potion would be strong enough to make that part immersed fully into them so no one of them could take it out.

Number one sighed. Being a leader is difficult and as he heard Mariella's restless ideas, he sighed again. He tried to focus on Mimi. But he'd keep Mimi sedated, knowing her aversion to drugs, and watching again as if he'd torment her a little, wondering if he'd find any of those memories. Even bits of them. 

But that wouldn't be any fun to do, and Damon missed their good times. He wanted to help this creature, a frail creature that had had such a damn bad time, but this one would help even if it might not feel like it. He wouldn't make Mimi go through those memories. He would just mark them, and then sometimes they could always help. If he could get the memories to fade away, it would slowly help that rot, and then he could fix it another way.

Mariella got all wrapped up to him and said, "I gave the boys potions. They'll sleep for a couple of days, and then they should be fine. I didn't give two to five or seven. What are you planning now?"

Damon sighed and said, "I'm traumatizing Mimi. She's just sedated now, and as you can see, the tubes and bags are showing. I'm trying to get those fucking memories, and then I'm trying to dispel them. Even little bits would help, so everyday life would not be so traumatic and I would have the idea of triggers. If I didn't have to go through them right away. Do you think Colin even knows that Miss was a prisoner?"

Mariella said, "I'll call and ask. I have Colin pretty much under my thumb, too. I can be persuasive. "