PROLOGUE – ? Cycle

As soon as I opened my eyes, I cursed internally and had no choice but to accept reality. I was stuck in a time loop for some reason.

'Again, God, why are you doing this to me?'

After cursing whoever did this to me, I began to think about what to do in the future to somehow stop this.

I even started to consider... extreme options.

' Should I... kill myself to see if I return back on time? But if I don't, I would just have killed myself for no reason.'

Pushing this thought aside for the moment, I started to think about all that was happening to me and maybe the reason I was stuck in this loop.

One thing came to mind, regarding getting out of it, 'Maybe I should save everyone in the crew?'

In the past cycles, we won against the Reapers, but some of the crew members died. Maybe, just maybe, if I save all of them, the time loop will end.

' Or it could be the ending.'

By now, Shepard has chosen two of the three (or 4) endings, the red and the blue ones. The last two are the green, which will merge machines and species together, and the one where everyone dies.

' I doubt we should follow the fourth ending, as everyone just dies in that one, so if my theory is right, if we follow the green ending while saving everyone, the time loop should stop!'

With new vigor to see through, I looked forward to this life, all while worrying about it all.

YEARS LATER

I followed the same path as I did before, getting to know Shepard earlier and helping her reach the top.

As soon as I could, I went to talk with Mordin about a lot of things. While I learned a lot from him before, this time I wanted to learn more. This time, I wanted to surprise him.

So, our talk about the quarians went smoothly, and with the data I had from previous cycles, we managed to find a 'cure' for the quarians. They could now live outside their suits without any trouble.

The galaxy was astonished after this, as this meant the Quarians would eventually regain a lot of their fighting power.

A few races started to become aware of them, but that was something for them to worry about in the future.

Needless to say, both me and Mordin were showered with immense gratitude for our discovery. Aside from money, all Quarians offered other things to us.

I don't know what Mordin chose, but I choose, '' Please give me knowledge.''

I wanted more. I wanted to know more, so I could do more.

You might think that two cycles were much, but if you count my age at the end of both cycles, I was 'only' 56. And the majority of that time I spent as a teenager, on Earth, so while I knew a lot, I wanted more.

The Quarians didn't hesitate and helped me with that. They gave me all they had, and I called Tali to help her too.

While she was not my Tali, I still loved her. Shepard and Liara too.

But it was all too complicated for me, so I maintained my distance from the trio. The opportunity, though, was too much to not let Tali enjoy it too.

So, for years before the Reapers arrived, I studied with Tali about all things technological. We asked EDI for help too, and she did give us her mother code. That helped a lot too, and we managed to make something even above EDI.

EDI was an AI companion. There are a lot of things I could say about her, but I will only mention that she was one of a kind.

Anyway, we decided to put the thing we made to use, and it helped a lot.

In the middle of it all, I asked Garus to teach me everything about guns, and he didn't mind.

So, by the time the Reapers arrived, I was now a master of technology, thanks to the Quarians, and a medium-gun expert.

So, before the last fight, I made some preparations in case the Leviathans and Batarians betrayed us again.

Let me say something, I hate the Batarians to the core now. They are the main reason everyone died last cycle, so I was getting pretty annoyed with them already.

Anyway, things went smoothly, and Shepard chose the green ending, and I managed to save everyone.

I was over the moon with that. I thought things were done, and I could live once more.

I even started being openly flirty with Tali, Shepard, and Liara, as I thought that was the end.

But, as soon as the day I turned 28 came, the darkness consumed my vision, and once more I was transported back in time.

'' HA ---... ha! HAHAHAHAHAHA.''

I laughed maniacally in my head as soon as I realized what happened.

I can't exit the time loop.

I saw no reason to even try now. Everything I do doesn't matter.

' God, what do you want from me? What should I even do?'

I followed the green ending while saving everyone, so it must not be the ending or saving everyone.

' If not that, what can I do to stop this?'

I continued to ask God, but no answer came my way.

After spending years in self-pity, my despair turned into anger.

' So you will continue to send me back on time, huh?! Okay then! I followed the story all this time, but now, fuck it! I'll do what I want now!'

 ---

? CYCLES LATER

Deciding not to follow the plot now, I started to go around the galaxy, learning a lot of things. Assassination tactics from Thane and Kasumi resumed my training with Garus, and I even became a crime lord.

I even let myself get indoctrinated once.

It was a strange feeling like I was in my body, but at the same time, I wasn't in control of it. I thought that I could finally die that way, but no, even indoctrinated, I still returned in time when I turned 28.

When I woke up as a baby, I wasn't indoctrinated anymore, but something changed deep within my soul. I didn't know what it was, but later in life, I noticed that now I could somehow see whether a person was indoctrinated or not.

That was a cheat I gained after becoming their slave for one cycle. Of course, it only meant I could see who was indoctrinated and not help them in any way.

The only way to save from indoctrination was to kill the person who was indoctrinated.

... or so the galaxy thought. I will not go into detail, but there is a way to deal with indoctrination. The price is very high, though, and many people might think it's better to be dead.

Life continued on, and cycle after cycle passed. In some cases, I spent most of my time doing some random things while learning new things, but sooner or later, I always participated in the war against the Reapers.

My mind thought... I became insane. Not maniacally so, but I started to do things I would never do before. I became dangerous in the sense that I would do anything to feel alive.

And, for the most part, the things I did were dangerous. I faced a Thresher Maw alone, went head-on against Cerberus, an evil organization, went against the Council, the 'leaders' of the galaxy, against the Shadow Broker, and other dangerous beings.

In most cases, I won by a hair breath, but sometimes I lost and had to spend some time hiding in the corner of the galaxy.

In the middle of that, I figured out all the locations of the Cerberus bases, and the dirty secrets of all Council members, the route of the Shadow Broker, among other things.

I even took over Omega.

Safe to say, I did stupid things for a while.

My personality changed too. I became a little unstable and more ... 'free'. It wasn't exactly a good thing, but it was the only way my mind found to keep me going.

It was interesting how the brain changed to keep you alive.

The cycles changed me, for better or for worse, I don't know. I let the others judge me all they want, it doesn't affect me anyway.

If for me to live a good life, meant I should trample others, I didn't mind that one bit.

What did I think about those changes? Well, I don't care. I just wanted to feel something... anything. So, I accepted all that came my way.

I cried, I laughed, I was broken mentally, I recovered, I killed, I died, I survived, I wanted to die—no, more than anything and anyone, I wanted to live.

Not in a time loop, but in real life, one where the things I did and the people I saved mattered.

Even if I changed too much from what I was before, the thing I most wanted was the same.

To live.

One thing about time is that it doesn't hear if you ask it to wait. It passed without worrying about you and the impact it has.

By the time I noticed, I had become an expert in a lot of things. I knew future events, the better planets to buy, and who to save.

I could do so much for so many people, but I knew that nothing mattered, as I was trapped in a loop.

I looked up at the sky, from my planet. I think this is my seventh cycle. I honestly don't remember, but it should be it or close.

Anyway, this time we had lost the battle against the Reapers. It wasn't something new, as the galaxy had lost before in past cycles.

Sometimes, the best we had wasn't enough. Sure, the times we had lost were when Shepard didn't manage to unite the whole galaxy, and I also joined the fight later.

But, excuses don't matter. We lost.

So, now, I was here, once again, alone, on the same planet I was many cycles ago.

I knew the Reapers were close to my location, as they had already cleared most parts of the galaxy.

On this planet, there were a lot of other survivors, but they knew it was just a matter of time until the Reapers found us.

I wasn't worried about that, as I knew I would return back in time. But it wasn't a nice feeling seeing all this despair.

It was almost like you could see it in the air.

Anyway, from the crew, only a few survived the war and were now hiding here or somewhere else.

The few were 2, Wrex and Garrus.

And they weren't in the best condition either. Garrus has lost an eye and a leg, while Wrex has lost an arm.

But they still had fighting spirit.

I admired them for that, as I had lost mine cycles ago. Well, not lost, but mostly dormant, as my feeling that it all didn't matter was still present.

If I knew that I wasn't trapped in a time loop, nothing would stop me from accomplishing what I want, whatever that is.

Both of them were discussing a way to fight against the upcoming Reaper attack. They both knew it was something impossible but they were still trying.

I also joined them and gave some tips here and there but mostly stayed out of their way.

As I looked around me, I could see a mixture of hope and despair among the survivors.

' They look just like ... me.'

They also just wanted to live.

All this time, I just wanted to live a normal life, no longer trapped in this time loop.

I just want to -

BOOM

Just then, a bean attacked the area where the survivors were, causing a lot of destruction.

I was knocked out of my feet, but recovered soon after. I was bleeding from somewhere but I ignored that.

I looked at the area where the bean hit and yeah, no one survived that.

I could see Wrex and Garrus in the distance, trying to evacuate anyone that survived from the planet.

' Yeah, it wasn't going to work...'

As I thought of that, I also was smiling a little, seeing a lost battle in front of me ignited my passion once more.

As I said before, I was broken.

Smiling like a madman, I approached Garrus and Wrex, '' I will try to slow them down, use whatever time I gave you to try and escape.''

Both looked at me with eyes filled with respect. We are, after all, comrades in this cycle and all others.

'' ... Thank you.''

''Don't mention it, I don't even know if it will work.''

It was the truth. I looked up and noticed it was just 3 Reapers attacking, but just that was at an impossible level to combat right now.

' The most time I could buy would only be a few minutes.'

But still, I was going to try.

I entered a random spaceship and bulldogged ahead.

I shot them with all my guns until the system of the ship said it didn't have more ammo.

I dodged the bean they shot at me, all while trying to distract them.

I then started to throw all the bombs it had, alongside all the things I could find.

It barely made a dent in them, but it distracted them for a good few minutes.

I looked for Garrus and Wrex and sure enough, I saw a few dozen spaceships getting out of the planet.

I smiled but soon shook my head. I knew they just bought another few months to live.

' My job is done... now, let's end this cycle with a bang.'

I knew from the beginning the outcome of this 'fight' against those 3 Reapers. I was dodging all they shot at me, but my weapons didn't make damage.

So, I aimed my ship at one of them and accelerated towards it.

I saw death once more and she was close, smiling at me.

I smiled at her but also shouted at the top of my lungs

'' I want to live!!!''

BOOMMMMM

And that was the end of one of my cycles.