A Great General

Nicholas pursed his lips and flatly looked back at the massive fully armoured contingent of soldiers walking through barren land like they were descended from camels...

The motherfuckers didn't even bring along supplies or nothing, not even tents... Something about how it was only a small walk and it wasn't really going to be a problem.

Even he would be hard pressed for some soda or something after walking for literal miles, at least, that's what he thought.

"Why we need a whole army though?" Nicholas commented offhandedly, looking at the different sights that could supposedly only be found in the first century... like a squad of praetorian guard trying to convince a random soldier that riding a donkey over a horse allowed for greater combat maneuverability... whatever the fuck that was supposed to mean.

Or a guy in a white sash walking with his family jewels on display... Though, Nicholas supposed it didn't matter much cause there was nothing to see anyway.

"Heh."

"Nick w-"

"It's Big Nick now." Nicholas cut Marie off.

"Huh... Nic-"

"Big Nick."

"MM... Big Nick." The mini French Monarch sitting on his shoulders leaned ahead and bopped his head with a small pout, "You had an army last time too. Don't you remember?"

Nicholas thought back to how Artoria and Mordred had rallied what remained of the English forces and led them to Orleans but, "Useless English bums did jack though."

He also remembered just how useful they were in the grand scale of things.

That is to say, they were useless bums that didn't amount to anything beyond useless chatter.

"True true... but you have to give them an A for effort."

"I don't have to give them shit, they did nothing. Effort is useless if it doesn't amount to nothing." Nicholas stayed firm in his opinion.

"I guess you should just stop thinking then, cause your effort in that field amounts to a reenactment of down syndrome."

Nicholas looked at the dead inside Gudako with an open mouth, "W...Who hurt you?"

"The real question is, who touched you as a kid?"

...

Speechless and unable to formulate a proper response, Nicholas ducked his head and picked up the pace, putting a ton of distance between him and his youngest kouhai, "...Bitch is lucky Olga's paying me not to harass her."

"She's what?"

Running away was futile seeing as Gudako popped up from his blind spot like a demon anyway, startling both Nicholas and Marie, "...She pays me like a grand an hour to not fuck wit you."

Now normally, he wouldn't not to do what he wanted to for money but like... it was a grand for every hour spent not messing with a kid.

He'd whoop his own ass if he said no to that.

"..." Gudako stared at him with vacant eyes, "I'll see to her."

"...I need an adult." Nicholas slightly shivered.

"You are an adult."

Pausing for a moment, Nicholas looked down at her again, "I need more adultier adult."

"...Please stop showing us signs of dementia and lack of parental attention. Speak words that exist, not clinically impaired gibberish... senpai."

Marie covered her mouth with both hands, eyes wide open in shock.

"Bi... What I even do man?" Nicholas just shook his head and walked off...

He definitely didn't feel like crying.

Unfortunately for Gudako, paying Nicholas to stay didn't entail those around him to do the same... 

BB, who'd been sitting in the air and floating along with her beloved senpai, looked down at the Chaldean Master with murder in her glowing crimson eyes, "Let's see how you like it..."

The best kouhai ever ,self proclai-... er... best kouhai ever period, waved around her baton, doing something only she knew.

Nicholas seemed to catch wind of her actions and looked up at her, "What did you do?"

"Eh? Nothing at all~. BB would never do anything harmful, trust."

"On God?"

"...Mhm, on God." BB nodded her head up and down, giggling mischievously.

The pale haired teenager shrugged, accepting her words as truth, "I guess there's nothing we can do then."

-

"You suck."

Gudako's head whipped around, her almond eyes scanning the vicinity for the one who called out to her...

"Your mother never loved you."

She was upset for a bit but remembered her senpai's words, 'Just go with it.'

And then she just suddenly didn't give a shit.

What was one more headache stacked on top of the tumour called Chaldea?

"Nicholas thinks you're useless and incompetent... Mash only puts up with you because she can't change Masters."

Gudako clenched her fists.

...Okay, maybe this new headache was going to be annoying.

-

"Hey Nero. What you gonna do if a dude walks up alone and beats the whole enemy army?"

"U...Umu... Your brazen attitude is something. I have encountered none who would address me so casually."

"Didn't you kill the only person that would have reason to?" Nicholas asked flatly, already having disregarded his encounter with Gudako.

Nero hesitated for a bit at his words, understanding who he was referring to a little too well, "My mother was... an evil person."

"Oh don't worry, I won't judge." Nicholas gave her a thumbs up, "I get that there's shitty parents out there. Just cause I didn't have them don't mean they don't exist."

"I thank you for your understanding." Nero smiled slightly, visibly amused, "For your question, I would grant that man whatever he desired... perhaps a position of power, or a territory."

"Would you be willing to teach someone to sing? I saw you had a whole opera house dedicated to your stuff back in Rome."

"Pft-" One of the Praetorian guards spit out the water he'd been drinking, coughing violently as the others backed away, not willing to be associated with the man... but also discreetly signalling Nicholas to not do what they thought he was about to.

Nero smiled with joy at his request, "Of course! It would be an amazing opportunity! Umu! I knew you were a fellow connoisseur of the finer things! Tell me! Who shall I be teaching? I'm quite the singer, you know? Would you like me to sing for you?"

"Not now, lemme take down that army first." Nicholas pointed at the cloud of dust approaching them from the distance, "Then you can take one of my ki-... er, 'servants' as a student."

"Very well! But I will do it regardless. You don't have to put yourself in danger."

"Bitch, I'm the one who knocks."

Leaving words that she couldn't understand, Nicholas shot off at the approaching army, leaving behind a trail of ripped land through sheer speed.

"Come on Martha. Kiyohime, let's make fried Roman."

-

Gaius Julius Caesar was a ruler of Rome, cunning and equally brave, a great sovereign and an even better general... One who unified Rome in times that many thought impossible, and then conquered Egypt as well.

A descendant of the Goddess Venus.

He was a hero of his time, unequalled and unsurpassed.

That was why he saw that his current objective was folly and self destructive.

He didn't want to fight his own people, he didn't want to fight the righteous emperor and he certainly didn't want to lead men to death against their own brethren... But they didn't exactly have a choice with that poorly dressed bastard threatening their country with complete annihilation and using their very founder to that purpose.

But well...

That was that and right now, he had a war to win.

But again...

Ehhhh...

"Isn't this a bit too unfair..." He put a hand to his jaw, observing the ensuing battle with awe.

A literal boy, probably still wet behind the ears, was whooping trained soldiers boosted further by his noble phantasms like they were literal training dummies made of straw... He was pretty sure he'd seen him just grab a man by the leg and spin him around like a flail, using a literal man as a weapon...

It didn't help that every punch he landed made a literal explosion devastate his ranks.

Ehh...

Then there was that blasted dragon, burning scores of his men to death... and the other turtle like beast from the depths of fucking Tartarus itself crushing his men by literally just rolling over them.

"...Why must I fight this war?"

"Kill yourself!"

There was that too.

The boy kept telling him to kill himself.

Caesar had even tried hitting him... only for his sword to turn into something called a balloon...

How was that even possible?

He suspected it was because of that damned tricksteress floating in the air calling him a-

"Fatass, tub of lard... How does the Earth sustain your weight? Go on a cut or something. No wonder Rome had to deal with famines! You ate all the food! Think of the poor man! I didn't know the Earth had a Jabba the Hutt! Did you win wars by sitting on your enemy? Or wait, did you win them by depleting their supplies by yourself?! I guess winning downhill wars was easy! All you had to do was roll off the edge! Damn boy you fat as hell! Godzilla got nothing on you!"

"Oi... what did I ever do to you?!"

Dammit, it wasn't his fault he was summoned in this fat form!

The stupid mage telling him to win this had forgotten a core aspect of the world.

Pure strength would end up trumping guile and tact!

How was he supposed to plan around a man that could literally reshape the fucking land by hitting it?!?

"Who even are you?!"

"I'm a general."

"What happened to Rome in my absence?"

-

Hope you enjoyed the chapter.

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FGO did Caesar dirty bro.

Also right, yeah, check out Dr_Armstrong's Fate/UnAble... It's not like his usual stuff but, maybe you'll like it.

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You can find up to 9 chapters ahead patre0n.com/Bleap