125. Chapter 125

AN: So sorry for the delay! I had planned to post New Year's Eve and then had internet issues and then wanted to post last Saturday, but when I did a quick review I noticed that Alex completely contradicted himself in a way that wasn't immediately fixable. I planned to fix it and post Sunday, but then had internet issues again... *sigh* Stupid router. All seems to be good now.

Meredith bit back a smirk at the surprised expression on Wyatt's face when she showed up early for her first post-Christmas session. She had missed her one scheduled session between Christmas and New Years on account of a major accident on the freeway that kept the ER and OR busy for two days. Wyatt had even called to make sure she was okay after the hard session before Christmas. At the time, Meredith had promised she was okay and would make up the session whenever Wyatt had an opening. This was the first time she had looked towards her session with hope and not dread.

Wyatt had called back with an opening in the morning on New Year's Eve. Meredith had been scheduled off work on New Year's Eve and New Years Day, to make up for having to work Christmas, but had agreed to come in for the session.

"How was your Christmas?" Wyatt asked once they were each settled in their normal spots; Wyatt on the chair and Meredith tucked into the corner of the couch across the coffee table.

"Tiring, but good. I worked Christmas Eve and then was on call over night and worked Christmas day. And then worked Boxing Day. And pretty much every minute since..."

"But it was still good?"

Meredith smiled. "I figured some things out."

Wyatt returned the smile and nodded. "Tell me."

"I became a surgeon for the wrong reasons. I went to medical school and took the residency here to live up to my mother's expectations. But that's not why I'm here now. That's not why I do this. I don't know when it changed, but it did. She died and I'm still a surgeon because I want to be a surgeon. I love being a surgeon. I'm not still trying to live up to any of her expectations."

"That's good."

Meredith nodded. "I get that she started me on this whole looking-for-a-role-model-when-I-feel-out-of-control thing, but that's only sometimes. Most of the time I'm making decisions for myself."

Wyatt made a few notes. "That's very good, Meredith. You seem confident."

"I guess I felt like I had this huge path to climb or whatever, but now I realize that I've already fixed a lot of the damage in the last year and a half. I've already made huge improvements." She'd learned to love and be loved, to trust, to depend and be depended on. She'd learned what it meant to be part of a family, to be a wife, as sister and a friend. "It's just what's left that I need help with."

"Let's talk about what first caused you to look to your mother as a role model..."

Meredith was only slightly disenchanted when she left her session. After her Christmas revelations, she'd gotten it into her head that the progress would be lightning fast now. Unfortunately, that didn't seem to be the case. An hour of discussing her mother's parenting methods and her own childhood feelings hadn't resulted in any new revelations. Still, she was surprised at how much easier it was to talk about her childhood with the therapist now. Derek had been right; nothing bad had happened because Meredith had told her.

She glanced at her watch. It was a little after ten in the morning. Derek had a single surgery scheduled for the day, and she had driven in with him that morning. He'd probably be in surgery until early afternoon. He had originally been scheduled off with her, but his patient's symptoms had been steadily escalating and he hadn't wanted to wait any longer to operate. With any luck, he'd been done early so they could go home and prepare for that evening.

She laughed at the thought of the coming night. Three days ago, they'd planned to do nothing for New Year's Eve but have a few drinks and celebrate at home, just the two of them. Then one thing led to another – Izzie had suggested drinks at Joe's, George had pointed out how busy it would be, Derek had offered their home, Mark had overheard, others had been invited, people signed up to bring food and alcohol, Izzie had declared she was in charge of decorations – and suddenly they were hosting a party for everyone not working.

After a brief internal debate as to whether she should work or catch a nap on the couch in Derek's office, she decided to change into her scrubs and head down to the ER. Hopefully, she'd catch a surgery.

The Residents' Lounge was empty when she entered. She quickly exchanged her street clothes for her scrubs and hooked her pager to her waistband.

Unfortunately, the ER was practically empty when she entered. Alex was sitting at the desk, playing solitaire on the computer.

She smirked and stepped up behind him as quietly as she could. "You can move the queen," she said, pointing to the card on the far right of the screen.

Alex jumped in surprise at her presence.

"Working hard?" She deadpanned.

"Nothing to do."

She collapsed onto the chair next to him.

"I thought you were off today."

"I was, but I had to come in for an appointment. And Derek had surgery, so I'm waiting for him to be done."

"Appointment?"

She hesitated before saying, "With my shrink."

He scoffed. "Fine, don't tell me."

She laughed. "No, really."

"The Meredith I know wouldn't go to a shrink."

"Well, she does."

He stared at her for a long moment before belief passed across his gaze. "Since when?"

"Middle of November."

"You okay?" He asked sincerely.

"I will be."

"It's not about Shepherd, right? Because if he's hurting you, I swear I will-"

She rolled her eyes. "Derek would never hurt me, Alex. And just for the record, he's been incredibly supportive. I just...need to deal with some things from my past." I'm just a crazy person who doesn't know how to let herself be happy, looks for role models and then falls apart when my role model falls apart and feels out of control a lot of the time, she thought sarcastically to herself, even though she knew it wasn't true all of the time.

He nodded, accepting her statement. "If there's anything I can do..." He left the end of the sentence open, but she understood.

"You're a good friend, Alex," she said, bumping his shoulder.

He exhaled loudly, but said nothing.

She smiled at his reaction, knowing how difficult relationships of any kind were for him. Of the five of them, she and Alex had probably grown up the most similarly to each other. She knew from her own experience how hard it could be to trust and open yourself up. And he didn't have a Derek in his life to show him it was possible.

"You're coming over tonight, right?" She asked, changing the subject.

He nodded. "Yep. What time should I get there?"

"Well, Iz is coming over at six to 'set up.'"

He smirked. "So, nine? Give her lots of time so she doesn't make me help?"

She laughed. "You're lucky. I can't not show until then because it's at my house."

"That's what you get for volunteering."

"Technically, it was Derek who volunteered."

"Then make him help with the decorations."

"I'm sure Iz will insist."

"You can stay here. I'll drive you home when we're sure it's safe."

"Good idea, but I don't know if it's fair to leave Derek alone with her."

They laughed together.

"So," she prompted once they'd sobered. "What's new with you?"

He shrugged in a very Alex way. "Nothing."

"Izzie said she saw Rebecca in the hospital before Christmas," she said, referring to the patient Alex had treated after the ferry crash. She had initially been plagued with amnesia for weeks. Alex had befriended her and spent so much time with her that Meredith and her friends had suspected he had more than friendship on his mind. But then she'd remembered her life and gone back to her husband.

He shrugged again and avoided meeting her eyes, pretending to be looking over a chart on the desk. "She was here."

"Did you...talk?"

The phone rang and Alex practically jumped out of his chair to answer it. He spoke to dispatch for a moment before hanging up. "Incoming trauma," he announced, effectively ending any conversation they may have been having.

"I am not wearing that," Meredith declared for the umpteenth time as she stood facing Izzie, her arms crossed. Izzie was holding out a large, silver and blue party hat that declared My Resolution is to PAR-TAY!

"Come on, Mer, it's New Year's Eve."

"No."

"Yes," Izzie insisted, trying to shove the offending item into Meredith's hand.

Meredith took a step back. "Absolutely not."

Izzie released an exasperated sigh. "Fine." She turned to one her of boxes of supplies and pulled out a different hat. This one was shaped like a top tap, but was bright pink and sparkly. Its saying was a simple Happy New Year. "How about this one?"

"No. No hats."

"Mer-"

"I don't do hats."

Izzie huffed. "Fine!" She shoved the pink hat onto her own head. "You're no fun."

"I just spent an hour and a half of my life that I'll never get back helping you set up, not to mention the fact that I let you bring this crap into my house," she pointed out. Izzie had shown up at six on the dot. She'd brought so much stuff that Meredith had been forced to help her make two trips to the car to bring everything in. There were streamers and banners and signs. Balloons. Noisemakers. Candles. Kitchenware. Glasses. The list went on. "I still don't see why this is all necessary."

"Because it's New Years Eve, Meredith. Tomorrow's a new year. It's time to celebrate."

"And my house needs to look like New Years Eve threw up in it in order to celebrate?"

Izzie glared at her. "Yes."

Meredith bit back a retort.

"What time is the pizza getting here?"

"Nine." She and Derek had pre-ordered pizza the day before to feed everyone, knowing they probably wouldn't have time to cook today. It was a good thing, too, seeing as Derek had been pulled into an emergency craniotomy and was still stuck at the hospital.

Izzie glanced at her watch. "It's almost eight. Where is everyone?"

Meredith shrugged. "Hiding from your hats?"

Izzie glared at her.

Meredith laughed. "I'm sure they'll be here before midnight."

"Do you have a list of what everyone's bringing?"

Meredith laughed out loud, and then quickly cut herself off at the look on Izzie's face. "Iz, seriously, you need to calm down. I'm supplying the venue and pizza. People will bring their own drinks and whatever else they feel like. It will be okay."

With a sigh, Izzie nodded. "Okay." She fished a small bag out of one of her boxes. I'm going to go change," she said, turning and disappearing down the hallway to the guest bedroom and bathroom.

As if perfectly timed, a knock sounded on the door the moment she left the living room.

"Finally, more people," Meredith said under her breath. As much as she moved her friend, Izzie on a holiday was more than a bit of a challenge. She hurried over to the door and pulled it open. George and Alex stood in the hallway.

"I thought you weren't coming until nine?" She asked jokingly.

Alex laughed as he stepped into the front hall. "Yeah, well, Izzie threatened us."

George nodded his agreement as he shrugged off his jacket.

Meredith laughed at his tee shirt, which declared Party like it's 1999.

George scowled. "Shut up. Izzie made me wear it."

"You need to grow a pair," Alex retorted. He was not wearing an Izzie-approved New Year's shirt, but his expression told Meredith Izzie had tried to make him.

"Just a warning; she's got hats."

George groaned. "Crap. I already look stupid enough in this thing."

"We the first ones here?" Alex asked.

Meredith nodded as she ushered them towards the kitchen to store their drinks. "Other than me and Izzie."

"Where's Shepherd?"

"He's stuck in surgery. Hopefully he'll get here by midnight." It was their first married New Years and she wanted very much to kiss her husband at midnight.

"You guys are here! Yay!" Izzie practically cheered as she emerged from the hall on the far side of the living room. She made a slight detour to one of her boxes, and Meredith bit back a smirk, knowing exactly what she was going for. Just as she thought, Izzie fished two party hats from her box and hurried over to join them in the kitchen. "Here," she said, holding out the hats.

George made a face, but took one. Alex raised an eyebrow and made a show of pulling a bottle of beer from the case he had brought, removing the cap and taking a long sip. Izzie continued to hold out the hat as he turned away to put the case in the fridge and then turned back. "Yeah, I'm not going to wear that."

Izzie scowled at him. "Please? And where is your shirt?"

"Didn't fit."

"Liar."

"Fine. I don't do cutesy holiday shirts." He glared at the offending article still in her outstretched hand. "Or hats."

Izzie huffed. "Why are you so difficult?"

Alex mirrored her tone. "Why are you so annoying?"

"If Alex and Mer aren't going to wear hats..." George trailed off at Izzie's angry expression. He gripped the hat in his hands nervously and swallowed hard. "Uh..." He very slowly reached the hat out to Izzie. "Thanks anyway?" He said, more as a question than anything else.

Izzie snatched the hat away from him with a huff. "Why are you people always so difficult? Seriously!"

Alex simply shrugged and took another swig of his beer.

"At least I wore the shirt," George mumbled, causing Meredith to laugh and Izzie to huff again.

"I supplied the venue," Meredith repeated her earlier statement.

"Seriously!" Izzie muttered as she turned away from them to return the unwanted hats to the box.

Meredith met George's eyes and somewhat successfully attempted to stifle a laugh. George cracked first, followed quickly by Meredith, and then by Alex. Izzie glared at them for laughing at her, but then started laughing as well. "You guys suck," she said through her laughter.

"We're not really dress-up type people, Iz," Meredith pointed out.

"Well, I am."

"Which is why you're wearing a dumbass pink hat," Alex said quickly.

Izzie elbowed him.

"I think the hat is festive," George spoke up, sticking up for his best friend, "Just not for me."

Alex rolled his eyes. "You don't get an opinion if you're wearing that shirt."

George's cheeks reddened a bit in embarrassment, but he stood up straighter and held his chin up. "It's New Years Eve. And I'm being a good friend."

"And an ass-kisser."

"That is not true!"

Meredith smiled to herself as she watched her friends continue to argue and banter. With the three of them now sharing a house, it was a wonder they hadn't killed each other, she mused. Although, it had only been a few months, so room-mate-acide was still a valid possibility.

A knock at the door puller her attention from her friends. Izzie, Alex and George didn't even look away from their argument as she excused herself to answer the door.

Mark stood on the other side of the door with Callie, Lexie and two female attendings she recognized from many, many consults in the ER.

"Happy New Year," Mark greeted, as he extended his arm to usher the four women in first.

Lexie seemed nervous as she handed Meredith a bottle of wine. "I hope this is okay. I...I wasn't sure what to..."

"It's great, thanks, Lexie," Meredith cut her off. She offered her half-sister a warm smile, trying to dispel the still-awkward tension that seemed to flare up between them.

Lexie smiled back.

The two ER doctors – Drs. Fairfield and Grant – had brought several plates of hors d'oeuvres. Meredith motioned them towards the dining room table.

"Coats?" Callie asked, as she passed Meredith a bottle of champagne.

"In the closet," she answered, motioning towards the front gall closet by the door. "And when that fills up we'll...think of something."

Callie hung her coat in the closet and glanced towards the still bickering residents across the living room. Her eyes seemed to pause on George for several seconds before she took a breath and offered Meredith a smile. "It's a beautiful condo."

Meredith smiled. "Thanks. It's still a little...bare." There were still only two pictures on the wall; hers and Derek's wedding photo, and the Shepherd family picture that had been taken at Lauren's wedding. "But we're working on it."

"How long have you been here now?"

"Two months."

Callie smiled. "Ah, and that's like two days for a surgeon for free time."

Meredith laughed. "Too true."

"Bathroom?"

She pointed Callie down the hall.

Mark stepped into the condo, holding out a large bottle of champagne.

"Thanks, Mark," she said, holding up her two full hands and motioning for him to follow her to the kitchen. She placed the two bottles in her hand onto the counter, and laughed as he made a show of placing his much larger bottle beside them, clearly pleased with himself. "Everything's a competition, huh?"

He smirked. "Despite what the fairer sex says, size does matter."

She rolled her eyes. "People may think you're trying to overcompensate for something."

"Let them think it. I'll prove them wrong."

"I thought you were turning over a new leaf?"

"I am."

"Sure you are. That's why you arrived with four women."

"I may have offered to drive some other hardworking doctors from the hospital, but that was out of the goodness of my heart so that they could drink tonight and not worry about stranding their cars."

"And how do you explain checking out Fairfield's ass?"

He pursed his lips. "Fine. I'm making some changes, but I'm not turning into a monk."

She laughed.

Mark laughed as well as he slid his jacket off and tucked it over his arm.

"You didn't happen to see Derek before you left?"

"He was still in surgery when I checked. I don't think it was going well."

Meredith made a face.

Mark shrugged. "I'm sure he'll make it home for midnight. You know Derek. He's reliable like that."

"I hope so."

Mark turned for the closet to hang his jacket. Meredith spotted Izzie motioning Alex and George towards the largest box she had stashed in the corner.

"We almost forgot the stereo," Izzie said as she pulled a speaker out of the box and held it out to the boys.

George reached for it, but Alex grabbed it first.

"You brought a stereo? But we have one." She pointed across the room towards the small iPod doc sitting beside the couch.

"That doesn't play CDs."

"So?"

"So, Izzie stayed up all night last night burning CDs," Alex explained.

"That's very nineties."

Izzie huffed, but said nothing as she pulled a second speaker out. Again, Alex grabbed it before George could.

"Sorry, Georgie, but we don't need you going all double-of-seven on the sound system."

"Me? I'll bet you have no idea how to hook up speakers. All you do at home to fix anything is hit things. The remote, the TV, the portable phone that no longer works at all."

"The phone doesn't work because Izzie poured batter on it. It worked fine after I fixed it."

"I didn't pour batter on it," Izzie said as she stood up straight, the stereo in her hands. "It was one drop."

"It was the entire bowl. You didn't even know the phone was under the batter."

Another knock at the door granted Meredith the opportunity to leave her friends to their squabbling once more.

She felt her smile fall off of her face when she swung the door open. She didn't know why she suddenly couldn't stand to be around Richard Webber, but it seemed everything he did and every word he said hit a nerve with her lately. His presence had bothered her in the weeks following her realization that he had been the man with whom her mother had had an affair, especially after knowing he had been treating Derek unfairly and why, but that had slowly faded over time to a manageable level. It was only in the last few weeks that her annoyance with the man had flared up again. When Meredith had mentioned it in therapy, Wyatt had said it was expected because Meredith had opened herself up.

He smiled warmly at her as he stood with Adele in the hallway.

She forced a smile to her face as she greeted them, wishing there was some way they could have not invited the Chief. He'd found out through hospital gossip, and then they couldn't not invite him.

"Happy New Year, Meredith," Adele greeted warmly, as she presented two trays of baked goods. "Where can I put these?"

"Happy New Year," she echoed, giving Adele a true smile. She had absolutely no qualms with the Chief's wife. She was as much as victim of Richard's behaviour as Ellis had been. "Table," she responded to the question, pointing across the living room.

Richard stayed at the door, but said nothing.

"Uh, your coats can go in the closet," she said flatly, pulling open the door.

"Thank you." He shrugged off his coat. "This seems like a really nice condo." He said, looking around before smiling at her again.

"It is," she said shortly. She was pretty sure he was fishing for a tour, but she wasn't about to offer. She felt violated enough just with having him standing in her front hall. There was no way she wanted him seeing any more.

He hesitated. "I'm...glad you seem happy, Meredith."

She forced herself to offer a polite nod, and was just struggling to come up with an excuse to leave him by the door when she spotted the pizza guy heading down the hall. "Excuse me," she said to Richard, and then without waiting for a reply, stepped to the still-open door to meet the pizza guy.

"Order for Shepherd?" He asked.

She nodded. "That's us." She pulled the wad of bills she had shoved into her pocket earlier out.

"I showed up at just the right time," Cristina called as she strutted down the hall towards them.

Meredith laughed. "Yes, you did."

"I'm so hungry I could eat an entire pizza myself. Seriously, after my tenth hour of surgery today I was starting to consider cannibalism."

The pizza guy's face turned white.

"Uh, give her the pizzas," Meredith said, holding out the money.

Cristina happily took the stack of pizza and disappeared into the condo.

The pizza guy shot her a slightly concerned look as he took the money and quickly counted it.

"Sorry about her," she said, referring to Cristina. "She...says inappropriate things sometimes."

He nodded.

"She didn't mean it."

He nodded again as he reached into his pocket to pull out a series of smaller bills.

"Keep the change," she said, "And happy New Year."

"You, too," he said as he turned and hurried down the hall.

Meredith laughed as she stepped back into the apartment and closed the door. Thanks to Cristina, she and Derek would probably not be able to order pizza from that company again.

Across the room, Izzie, Alex and George were still squabbling together. She took two steps towards them, but stopped at the sound of another knock on the door.

Three surgical fellows she had worked with several times stood on the other side of the door this time. She quickly ushered them in and closed the door.

"You may want to leave the door open," Cristina called as she walked by with a paper plate stacked with pizza.

"What?"

Cristina paused on the way to the kitchen. "Leave the door open a crack. That way people will just let themselves in and you won't have to answer the door each time someone gets here."

"That's a good idea," she said as she turned back to do just that.

"Of course it is, it was my idea."

Meredith laughed as she walked towards the dining table to help herself to a plate of pizza before joining her best friend in the kitchen. She had just set her plate down at the breakfast bar beside Cristina's when extremely loud and very distorted music blasted out of the stereo her former roommates had apparently finally got set up. Across the room, Izzie flailed in shock as Alex dove for the volume control.

"I told you you'd mess it up!" George yelled at Alex. "You crossed the wires!"

Alex said something colourful back to him that Meredith couldn't make out over the music. She sighed in relief when he managed to turn the volume down to a manageable level.

"Never a dull moment when those three are around," she commented as she sat beside Cristina, who was on at least her third slice of pizza.

Cristina laughed. "I can't believe you managed to live with them for so long."

"I don't remember it like this." She took a bite of pizza before saying, "I guess my perspective changed or whatever."

"I guess it's quiet living with just McDreamy."

Meredith rolled her eyes at the nickname, but nodded.

Cristina's gaze flickered away to Meredith to a point across the room for a long moment before she sighed. "It was quiet living with Burke."

Meredith tried her best to cover her surprise. Cristina never talked about Burke. "Do you, uh, do you miss the quiet?"

"No." She returned her gaze to Meredith's. "It was too quiet. I think that's why I like living with Callie. She's definitely not quiet."

Meredith shook her head in agreement. As evidence to Cristina's statement, Callie had taken over the stereo setup across the room, and was teaching Izzie, Alex and George how to properly hook up the speakers. She smiled at the sight.

"Burke and I didn't talk much. And he didn't really watch TV. He only watched CNN on mute. And the only music he played was Jazz, and that was only sometimes." She paused. "He wanted it quiet."

"What about you?"

She shrugged. "I guess I was supposed to fit into his lifestyle."

Meredith wanted to say something comforting or supportive, but no words came to mind. Not only did her best friend not talk about Burke, but she didn't allow herself to be vulnerable like this. This was mostly unchartered territory. "That's not right," she finally settled on.

Cristina looked away again, but nodded. "No."

"He shouldn't have expected only you to change."

Cristina looked back at her. "Did you change? For Derek?"

"I think so. I mean, we both did. Not a lot, but some. I think...I think that's the point. That's marriage or commitment, or whatever. You have to change for each other."

"Did you ever feel like you were losing yourself?"

Meredith through back for a moment before shaking her head. "No. Derek never asked for too much. He was really good that way."

Cristina stared at her for a long moment before asking, "How do know how much you should change?"

"Why are you suddenly asking these questions? Did you meet someone?"

Cristina shook her head. "Never mind."

"Cristina-"

"I said never mind," Cristina snapped, turning her attention to her plate of pizza.

Meredith ran a hand through her hair. She wanted her best friend to be as happy as she was. "I think the amount you change is the amount you're willing to change," she said, answering the original question in the hopes of getting Cristina to keep talking. "I think you have to know how much you're willing to change and then find someone with similar expectations."

Cristina said nothing.

Meredith sighed and turned her own attention back to her dinner. She'd pushed too hard and made Cristina shut down. Silence fell between the two surgeons for several minutes.

"I didn't meet someone," Cristina eventually whispered. "But one day I will, and I don't want to get stuck again."

Meredith bumped her shoulder. "You won't."

Cristina said nothing.

With a sigh, Meredith slid off her stool and walked over to the fridge. She pulled two bottles of water out and returned to the breakfast bar. She set a bottle down in front of Cristina before sitting again and taking a sip from her own bottle.

"You can talk to me, Cris," she said. "I'm not exactly an expert, but I'll offer whatever limited experience and wisdom I have."

Cristina smiled at that. "You're not limited. You got it right."

"That was luck."

"I don't think so." She took a sip of the water Meredith had given her. "Would you have let Derek force you to move in with him before you were ready? And live in his house and follow his rules?"

"I..."

"It was like living in a sterile environment. Like an OR. Everything had a very specific place, and had to be put away immediately. And everything had to be his way. I...I don't know how I let it happen."

"You loved him."

"Yeah..."

"That can make you blind."

"But I wasn't blind. I knew what I was doing." She sighed. "I think I was trying to make him happy. I was willing to put all my own needs on the backburner to make him happy." She scoffed. "He didn't let me bring any of my own furniture because it would have clashed with his. I couldn't bring CDs because he preferred vinyl. He didn't even like my sheets because he preferred solid colours. He didn't budge on anything."

"I'm sorry."

"You wouldn't have let Derek get away with that."

Meredith closed her eyes and imagined a universe where Derek was like that. She tried to imagine their life together living only the way he wanted, but couldn't see it. "I think you're right. If he hadn't changed too we wouldn't have made it." Had Derek been like Burke in those ways, he'd just be another attending at the hospital and she a resident. They wouldn't be married and sharing a life together. If he had pushed her too hard and for too much, like Burke had apparently done with Cristina, she would have put the brakes on their relationship.

"I always thought I was stronger than that. But I let him walk all over me."

"Hey, don't say that. You're the strongest person I know. You just made a mistake."

"I almost made a huge mistake. Do you have any idea what my life would be like if I had married him?"

Meredith shook her head.

"Too quiet. I can't do quiet." Cristina looked away quickly, but not in time to hide the sheen of tears in her eyes.

"Cristina..."

"Don't."

"Okay." She paused. "You'll find someone who doesn't want it quiet, Cristina. I know you will."

"You did, right? It's not too quiet here?"

"No, it's not too quiet," she reassured with a smile. "There are no roommates arguing all the time, but it's not quiet. We listen to music – that we both like – and watch TV. And Derek's chatty, so he talks a lot. And his chattiness has rubbed off on me, cause we both talk a lot."

"That's good, Mer. I'm glad you're happy. And I'm glad you built this life for yourself."

"Thank you. We just have to find you a non-quiet guy so you can build your life."

Cristina cracked a smile. "And sooner rather than later. It's been a long time."

Meredith laughed at the connotation and shook her head, but Cristina statement to her stuck in her mind. I'm glad you built this life for yourself. It was verbal acknowledgment that Meredith's life hadn't just passively come to her. She may have moved to Seattle and taken the residency because of her mother, but she had chosen to make friends with the other interns and go out with the attending, despite the fact that both decisions she had known were against what Ellis would have wanted. She had given Derek a key and then asked him to move in with her. She had been able to turn down his first proposal when she had known it was wrong, and had been able to say yes to the second when she had known it was right. She'd decided how to marry him, and they had decided together on their new home and everything within it, from paint colours to furniture.

She closed her eyes as understanding washed over her. Wyatt had used the word control several times during their morning session. And Meredith now understood why. She had wanted Meredith to recognize on her own how much control she had as an adult that she hadn't had as a child.

It was easy to fall back into her learned childhood pattern of feeling out of control, but she wasn't that vulnerable child anymore. She was an adult who had broken the pattern of her childhood.

She was in control.

"You okay?"

She opened her eyes and nodded. "Yeah. Just...realizing some things."

"Shrink stuff?"

Meredith nodded.

"You need me to tell you why you're a surgeon again?"

She laughed and shook her head. "No. Once was enough for me to realize how stupid I was being."

"Well, you were being stupid."

She rolled her eyes good naturedly. "Maybe I was, but I was going out of my mind."

"And now?"

"Now I'm good," she said, bumping Cristina's shoulder. "I needed you as a sounding board. I think you set me back in the right direction. Once I could understand why I was a surgeon, a lot of other stuff fell into place."

"Okay."

"I mean it," she said honestly. "You have no idea how much you helped."

Cristina smiled. "Well, I'm glad. You can't figure out yourself, but you're in a successful relationship, and I know who I am, but am afraid to have another go at a relationship."

"And together we make one stable person."

Cristina laughed. "Cheers to that." She lifted her water bottle.

"Cheers." Meredith said, knocking her bottle against Cristina's.

"What are we cheers-ing?" Izzie asked, appearing by the breakfast bar with Alex and George.

"How screwed up we are," Meredith said with a shrug.

"I'll cheers to that," Alex said with a smirk, holding out his beer bottle.

Meredith laughed and knocked her bottle against his.

"You people are horrible," Izzie said as she sat between Alex and George along the breakfast bar."

"I see you got the stereo set up."

"Callie had to save us. These two were useless."

"I would have gotten it," George said quickly.

"You had your chance, double-oh-seven," Alex said.

George ignored him.

"So," Izzie prompted, still wearing her pink party hat – the only person at the party to do so – and smiling brightly. "What are everyone's resolutions?"

"Resolutions are stupid," Cristina said.

"No, they're not. They're something to work towards. They're motivating. They're important."

"Fine, my resolution is to kick ass in the OR."

"That's not a resolution."

"Sure it is."

"It needs to be more specific. Come on. We can all come up with one and make a pact."

"I don't do pacts," Alex said.

Izzie rolled her eyes. "Fine. We'll all come up with one and drink to it."

"I'm good with that."

Izzie rolled her eyes at Alex before turning her attention to Meredith. "Mer, alcohol?"

"In the cupboard," she said, pointing.

Izzie pulled a bottle of tequila and five shot glasses out of the cupboard. She carefully filled each glass and passed them out.

Alex immediately tossed his back.

"Alex! You're supposed to wait until after we make the resolutions."

"Sorry, Iz, but I'm going to need a buzz if I'm going to do this."

"Alex has a point," Cristina said, tossing hers back as well. Meredith did the same, followed quickly by George.

"Fine." Izzie tossed hers back and then passed the bottle around for refilling. "Who wants to go first?"

Silence.

"Fine. I'll go first. My resolution is to save a life."

"That's what we do every day, Iz."

"No, I mean, actually save a life. Not just assist or observe. I want to develop my skills enough and be trustworthy in the OR enough that I can save a life myself."

"That's a good resolution, Iz," George said. "Can I use it, too?"

"No. Yours has to be unique."

George made a face. "Fine." He thought for a moment. "My resolution is to..." He trailed off as he made a face. "Seriously, Iz, this isn't fair. I want to save a life, too!"

"Tough."

He huffed. "Fine. Then my resolution is to save a life and get past the whole double-oh-seven thing."

Izzie looked like she was going to say something, but let it go. "Okay, who is next?"

Cristina and Alex both looked down at their plates.

Meredith took a breath. "My resolution is to be happy and not be afraid of being happy."

"That sounds like a riddle," Alex said.

Meredith laughed. "It feels like I'm living a riddle. But it's something I'm working on with my shrink."

"You have a shrink?" George asked, looking immediately concerned.

Meredith nodded. "For almost two months."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I think I am. I just need help figuring out a few things."

"Like being happy?"

She shrugged. "It's new. And sometimes I guess I panic. Especially when something bad happens."

Awkward silence fell between the five residents.

Meredith made a face. "I just mean...I'm happy. But when I was a kid, bad things would happen and then my life would come crashing around me. I learned to associate personal disaster with bad things. It became a pattern or whatever. And now sometimes I forget that it's okay to be happy because not everything will fall apart if something bad happens." Her friends stared at her. "Stop looking at me like that. I'm just figuring it out myself so I can't explain it any better."

They laughed.

She smiled. "Cristina?"

Cristina huffed. "Fine, my resolution is to find a new place to live."

Izzie nodded. "Alex?"

He looked thoughtful and hesitant at the same time. After a moment, he smirked and said, "My resolution is to kick all your asses in the OR."

Meredith laughed, but wondered what he had debated saying out loud. He'd clearly wanted to say something deeper, but hadn't been able to voice it in front of them.

They lifted their shot glasses to celebrate their resolutions.

"Another?" Cristina suggested.

"Another," they all echoed.

An hour later, Meredith was comfortably buzzed as she sat on the floor of the living room around the coffee table, playing the largest game of go-fish she'd ever been a part of. Three decks of cards were being utilized, and there were at least a dozen players. Izzie had suggested rules about specifying cards and suits and something about patterns, but Meredith hadn't understood. She doubted anyone truly cared. She was doing well, though. She'd won plenty of pairs. She looked down, but frowned. Only three pairs sat in front of her.

"Hey!" She elbowed her best friend, who was sitting next to her. "Stop stealing my cards." She slid several pairs from in front of Cristina to in front of herself.

"I didn't take that many!" Cristina retorted.

"Call it interest."

Cristina ignored her and slid two pairs back to her own pile.

"Would you two focus on the game," Izzie demanded.

"I've had too much to drink to focus on anything," Cristina retorted, causing everyone playing to laugh. "Seriously, Iz, no one even knows all the rules you made up."

"That's their loss," Izzie bantered back, gloating at the large pile of cards before her.

"Whatever. Is there more pizza?" Cristina got up and wandered away from the game.

Meredith slid the rest of Cristina's cards to her own pile and smirked at Izzie. "I think I'm beating you."

Izzie rolled her eyes, but laughed. "Cheater."

She shrugged. "Whatever."

The game continued along, but Meredith couldn't really follow it. There were just too many cards. When it came around to her, she had to stare long and hard at the cards in her hands before looking at George.

"Give me your sevens."

George groaned and passed the cards across the table to her.

She grinned as she placed another set in front of her. "I love this game."

Alex was next. He turned to Meredith and asked for her nines.

She huffed as she passed them to him. "I hate this game."

Lexie was next and took jacks from George.

"Have you heard from Derek yet?" Izzie asked.

Meredith shook her head, but glanced at her cell phone just in case. It told her there was only an hour until midnight, but did not tell her there was a message from Derek. The only reason he wouldn't call was if he was still in surgery. She sighed. Chances were he wouldn't make it home for midnight.

"Do you think he'll make it by midnight?"

"I hope so," she said. Here she was celebrating the New Year with her family, but Derek wasn't here to enjoy it. And it was their first New Year's as a married couple and their first New Year's in their new home.

And she really, really wanted to kiss him at midnight.

She closed her eyes and imagined counting down the last few seconds of the year. He'd be beside her, oozing enthusiasm and happiness. His arm would be wrapped tightly around her middle. They'd reach one and then shout out 'Happy New Year!' with their friends. And then he'd kiss her so hard she'd forget anyone else was there.

"I'm sure he'll be here if he can," Izzie said.

She opened her eyes. "I know." It wouldn't be his fault if he didn't make it. He was saving a life, and that had to take precedence.

She sighed.

Cristina returned to the table with a plate of cold pizza and the half-full bottle of tequila.

The bottle quickly got passed around the table. Meredith filled up her shot glass and toasted the last hour of the year with her friends.

With less than a minute to go until the New Year, Meredith had given up hoping Derek would make it home in time. She'd have to settle for an early-in-the-new-year kiss once he got home. She bounced excitedly on the balls of her feet, eager to watch the ball drop on the living room television. A bit of champagne sloshed over the rim of her champagne glass, making her giggle slightly.

The party had lost track of time until Callie had announced it was almost midnight. Meredith had dutifully turned on the television to find a station showing the ball drop. Mark had recruited the most sober in the room to help him pass out champagne glasses.

The excitement in the room grew. At thirty seconds to go, Meredith adjusted the hat sitting on her head. It was blue and sparkly and shaped like a top hat. She couldn't remember why she hadn't wanted to wear one earlier. She could remember Izzie being the only one wearing one earlier, but now most of the guests were.

She glanced around the room of celebrators. The few with significant others had migrated together, and for a moment, she felt sad that Derek wasn't there. But he would be there when he could, and that was what mattered. She knew he wanted to be there with her just as much as she wanted him there.

The countdown reached ten seconds, and she joined in as the room counted down with the television.

"Nine! Eight! Seven! Six! Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Happy New Year!" She shouted out with her guests. As everyone else turned to hug whoever was next to them, Meredith turned as well, only to come face to face with the one person she wanted to celebrate this moment with the most.

"You're home!"

Derek smirked as he stepped in close to her. "I am."

She hooked the fingers of her free hand into the collar of his shirt and tugged him down to her level. "Happy New Year," she whispered.

"Happy New Year," he whispered back. And then he kissed her.

His hands found the small of her back as he pressed closer to her. She hooked her arm around his neck for grip as he deepened the kiss. She wasn't sure if her glass was still upright but she was sure that she didn't care if she spilled all of her champagne. This was the kiss she'd wanted all day. This was the very start of their first full year of marriage.

This was going to be a good year. She was going to figure out everything she still needed to figure out. They were going to sit down and discuss when they'd start building their family. She was going to have her first solo surgery and become a third year resident. And they were going to be happy. She was going to be happy – and not afraid of being happy.

He broke the kiss and pressed his forehead against hers. "I love you," he told her.

"I love you, too."

"I'm so glad I made it home in time. I've been thinking about this moment all day."

She giggled. "Me too."

He pulled back and loosened his grip while keeping his arms around her.

She took a sip her champagne and then offered him the glass. He took it and took a sip as well. "I like your hat," he told her.

She grinned at him. "Thanks. Izzie brought them."

He chuckled.

"What?"

He shook his head before leaning in to kiss her on the cheek. "Nothing. You're cute."

She felt like she was missing something, but let it go.

He held up the champagne. "Can I have the rest of this? I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do."

"I'm not that drunk."

"Of course not. You always wear party hats when you're only a little drunk."

"What is wrong with my hat?" She demanded.

"Nothing." He leaned in to kiss her. "Like I said, it's cute."

Before they could exchange another word, Izzie bounced over to them, hugging them both and wishing them a Happy New Year. They then did the same with everyone else. It felt nice and normal, and she was grateful for the normal experience, despite her level of intoxication.

When the fireworks over the harbour started, the party moved outside onto the terrace to watch. Meredith quickly found a spot by the railing of the terrace and leaned back into her husband's arms when he sidled up behind her. He held her close and leaned his cheek against hers as they watched to fireworks together.

"How's your patient?" She asked.

"Alive. Barely."

"That's good. That he's alive, I mean. Not that he's barely alive."

He hugged her tight. "I knew what you mean."

"I'm glad you're here."

"Me too. I didn't want to miss sharing this with you."

"Our first New Year's as a married couple."

"Mmm-hmm," he agreed. "That means we have lots of celebrating to do."

She giggled. "Everyone else is distracted by the fireworks. They wouldn't notice if we snuck inside to celebrate privately."

He rested his chin on her shoulder and chuckled. "It's a nice idea, but the celebration I'm planning will take a lot longer than one fireworks show."

She felt a chill of anticipation run down her spine at the night to come. They were both scheduled off tomorrow, so they had all night to celebrate. "Soon."

"Soon." He rubbed his cheek against hers and she sighed at the friction caused by the stubble that had grown on his cheek since the morning. "I take it the party was a success."

"Pretty much. Although we may have to find a new pizza place."

"Pizza not good?"

"Oh, it was great. But Cristina scared the delivery guy away. He may not want to come back."

He laughed. "Okay."

"But other than that it was good. Really nice, actually, to have everyone together."

"Your family," he commented.

"Them and you," she agreed.

"Mmm," he murmured by her ear, falling silent as they stared at the fireworks together. She had just leaned back and closed her eyes – enjoying being in his arms more than watching the fireworks – when he pulled away suddenly. "I almost forgot."

"Forgot what?" She asked, but he had already released her and hurried back inside.

She made a face at the removal of his warmth around her.

After a minute, he hurried out with a camera in hand.

"You want a picture of the fireworks?" She asked.

"No, of the people. We have a picture of our New York family. Now we need one of our Seattle family."

"For our wall?"

"Exactly."

She smiled at his thoughtfulness. The reminder of their New York family – and really the reminder of her spot in his family – made her feel good every time she look at the picture. And now they'd have one of this family, too.

Derek quickly passed the camera into Richard's hands – a move she knew would make the Chief feel good that Derek chose him and would keep the Chief out of the picture because she knew he knew she didn't consider the Chief as family – and urged Izzie, Cristina, Alex, George and Mark into position with them.

"Ready?" Richard called out, holding up the camera.

Meredith spotted Lexie at the edge of the balcony with the other guests. "Wait," she called out. "Lexie! Get your ass in the picture. You're family, too."

Lexie said nothing, but hurried over to join them.

"Okay," she said to Richard. "Now we're ready."

Derek hugged her closed as they stood with their Seattle family in the first hour of the New Year.

AN: In the next chapter, we'll be diving back into the show's storylines. I'm hoping to have the next chapter done in the next week or so. Also, if you have a chance, please check out my new oneshot, Finding the Magic.

Thanks for reading!