58. Chapter 58

Derek was exhausted.

He was a light sleeper; always had been. And now, even with the exhaustion of the day before, he still found himself waking to every small sound. The beeping and humming of the many monitors by the bedside had gradually become background noise, but the excessive checks performed by night nurses, Bailey and Richard, and Meredith's many friends had woken Derek time after time.

At first he had raised his head to greet whoever was there, but soon he simply buried his face deeper into the back of Meredith's head and kept his eyes closed tight. He was exhausted, both physically and emotionally, and knew he needed sleep. But even when he was awoken for the twentieth time, he still couldn't be annoyed. Because Meredith was warm and breathing and in his arms. And that was something he doubted he could ever take for granted again.

Right now that was the only thing in the world that mattered to him.

A series of footsteps echoed on the hard hospital floor, pulling Derek from his light slumber once again.

"Who's presenting?" Richard's familiar voice rang out.

Rounds. That meant it was somewhere around six in the morning. Normally they would wake the patient, but seeing as Meredith wasn't having surgery today, didn't have tests scheduled until later and was a VIP patient, they were likely leaving her to sleep if possible. It was tempting to keep his eyes closed and wait until everyone left, but he wanted to be a part of her team, even if he was strictly on the family-and-friends side of it.

After carefully pulling his arm away from Meredith's waist, Derek propped himself up on his elbow and ran his hand over his face, willing himself to be less tired. Bailey greeted him with a tired smile, with a hint of tension, and Richard avoided his gaze. Derek furrowed his brow, confused, but quickly shook off his confusion, telling himself they had probably been up all night.

"Uh, Meredith Grey, twenty-eight-" George began after no one else spoke up, only to be cut off.

"Doctor Meredith Grey," Cristina cut in with a roll of her eyes and a glare sent towards George.

Meredith herself groaned as she opened her eyes, taking in the many doctors standing before her. "This is so not cool from this side..." She mumbled. When she had had her appendix out, she hadn't been rounded on. Bailey had demanded she be kept overnight for observation, and had given Derek the green light to take her home first thing the next morning.

Everyone smiled at her comment, and Derek placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"Doctor Meredith Grey, twenty-eight-" George began, only to be cut off again.

"In for surgical removal of neurosurgeon," Alex cut in. "First attempts were unsuccessful, but we hope to- oompf," he expelled a breath of air as Izzy elbowed him hard in the stomach.

"Shut up, Alex," she hissed.

"What?" He asked, taking a step away from her. "Everyone else thought it was funny."

And it was true. Christina and George were laughing quietly, and Bailey and the Chief cracked smiles. Even Meredith laughed, for a second at least, before the force of the action took its toll on her sore ribs and she gasped in pain.

Derek was quickly up and leaning over her, careful not to put any pressure on her. "Are you okay?"

She nodded, her eyes still closed in pain. "Laughing...bad."

Bailey stepped forward, concerned for her fallen intern. "Meredith, do you want something stronger for the pain?"

Meredith released a shaky breath and shook her head. "No. Never again."

"Grey," she chastised, "You're obviously in pain."

"Pain fades. Doing embarrassing things on morphine lasts forever."

Derek had to laugh. "Mer, I already promised not to let you near a phone."

She grumbled and slowly turned onto her back so she could see him better. "There are still hundreds of people in this hospital I could say things to."

Before he could respond, Bailey spoke up again. "How about some Tylenol threes?"

Meredith hesitated for a moment before nodding. Despite her history with strong pain killers, it was obvious to anyone that she was in pain and needed something.

Alex was sent into the halls to track down the painkillers and some water, leaving the rest of the group to finish their assessment of Meredith's condition. Holding tightly to her hand, Derek sat back and listened while they discussed her accident, vitals and expected recovery. He nodded every few moments at what was being said, but also took the time to do his own assessments.

Richard still refused to meet his eyes. Every so often the older surgeon would glance in his direction, only to glance away quickly. He also wasn't saying much. Bailey was doing most of the talking, and was asking most of the questions, which wasn't all that unusual, but Derek would have expected more input from Richard for one of his staff. And Bailey was also being overly positive, which wasn't like her. Meredith had a good prognosis and knew it, as did everyone else in the room, so there was no need for Bailey to repeat every positive thing over and over. And Meredith's friends were too supportive and upbeat for the time of the day and the fact that they had probably all been working all night. They seemed to smile at Meredith every time she glanced in their direction. Something was up.

Alex came back in with the Tylenol threes, a cup of water and a coffee. He passed the water and pills over to Bailey, who was helped Meredith to sit up, and turned to Derek, holding out the coffee. "You look like you need it, man," he offered.

"Thanks," Derek said gratefully, taking the cup. Even after four years of medical school and a surgical internship and residency, Derek doubted he had ever been this tired. When this was all over and he could finally take her home, he was going to lock himself and Meredith in their room and sleep for a day and a half.

Once the back of Meredith's hospital bed was up at the right angle and she was settled, and had taken her pills, rounds continued...even though there wasn't anything left to say.

Bailey made a show of paraphrasing everything that had been said, as Richard nodded along beside her. Things look up. You're really lucky. There shouldn't be any long term effects.

They were stalling, Derek realized suddenly. There was something they weren't saying that they didn't want to say. He swallowed hard, forcing himself to stay calm. If it were something about her condition, they would have said something by now. And he would have noticed it. Despite his silent assurances to himself, Derek found his eyes drawn to the monitor screen, checking and re-checking her vitals. Everything seemed fine, great even. Meredith was doing as well as could possibly be hoped after what she had gone through. He released a shaky breath, wondering if maybe he was so tired he wasn't seeing something obvious.

Eventually nothing more could be said, and Bailey sent her remaining interns out of the room, leaving only herself and Richard with Meredith and Derek.

Derek watched them go with a sense of foreboding. Something bad was coming. Richard met his eyes for the first time, and Derek immediately saw great sadness there.

Bailey sighed heavily and sat on the edge of Meredith's bed. "Meredith," she said quietly. "I'm afraid I have some bad news."

Derek squeezed Meredith's hand, trying to belay support while a thousand worst case scenarios ran through his head. Something was very wrong.

Meredith glanced slowly towards Richard and then back to Bailey. "It's my mother, isn't it?"

"Meredith, I'm so sorry."

"Is she dead?"

Bailey nodded. "She coded late yesterday afternoon. They did everything they could, but they couldn't get her back."

Derek released the breath he had been holding. "Oh, Mer," he murmured, "I'm so sorry."

Her eyes welled slightly, but she did not cry, her gaze still trained on her resident. "Do you know why?"

"Not yet. We assume she had a cardio infarction related to her condition. And we need your permission to..."

"Do an autopsy?" Meredith finished quietly.

Bailey nodded silently.

Meredith inhaled a shaky breath, turning towards Derek, who quickly sat on the edge of her hospital bed, facing her as he carefully wrapped his arms around her frail body. "I'm here, Mer. It'll be okay."

She pressed her face into his shoulder, trembling slightly. "I knew it was real," she barely whispered against him.

Having no idea what his girlfriend was talking about, but knowing it wasn't the time to question her, he rested his chin against her head. "I'm here," he repeated.

Meredith sniffed and slowly raised her head, turning to meet Bailey's gaze again. "I..." she trailed off before slowly shaking her head. "She wouldn't want that."

Miranda nodded in understanding. "I'm very sorry, Meredith."

"It's okay," she said quietly, before repeating her words louder. "It's okay."

Derek leaned in to press his lips against the side of her head, making certain she knew he was there for her.

"I know this is horrible timing," Bailey continued. "And you must already be in enough pain this morning, but..." she sighed, glancing towards the Chief and back, "We didn't want you to hear about it from someone else."

Meredith nodded absently. "Okay."

Derek's heart went out to her as she swallowed hard. He kept one arm securely around her back, reached for her hands with his free one, and leaned his forehead against the side of her head. Her relationship with her mother was complicated at best, and he had no way of understanding it. And it was killing him, because he had no idea what she was thinking.

He loved her so much his heart ached for her when she was in pain, and right now all he wanted was to be able to make everything better, to be able to go back to the previous morning and keep her in bed, hidden away from the world. She didn't deserve any of this.

And he couldn't save her from it.

000

Meredith was exhausted.

It felt like all she did was sleep...and yet every time she found herself awake she was exhausted. Apparently the whole coming back from the dead thing took a lot out of a person.

The diuretic she was on was helping, but her chest still felt heavy. The pain killers were blocking some of her nocioreceptors, but her ribs still throbbed every time she moved. And all of her friends and coworkers were staring at her like she was on display.

The only thing that was keeping her going was the fact there Derek had barely left her side all day. He had been there when she had woken up. He had been there when she had been told her mother had died. He had been behind the glass during her CT scan, and had stayed right outside the room when she had had her x-ray. He had been there every time she drifted off and re-awoken, felt like talking, and just needed someone to sit with her and hold her hand.

He was exhausted too; she could tell. His eyes were bloodshot and heavy lidded. His hair was as messy as she had ever seen it, and his clothing – the same as she had been wearing the previous day – was rumpled.

But as much as she wanted to tell him it was okay to leave her side, to go home, get a change of clothes and some rest, she couldn't bare to let the words leave her mouth.

"How are you feeling?" Derek murmured suddenly, squeezing her hand.

Meredith turned her head towards him, offering a small smile. "Tired."

His lips curled upwards in response. "Hmm... That's understandable."

She rolled her eyes. "You're not supposed to be trying to make me laugh."

His expression darkened immediately. "I'm sorry. Are you okay?"

She sighed. He needed to stop doing this to himself. "I'm fine, Derek," she said lightly.

"But you're in pain."

"That's because I'm alive."

His chest heaved as he tried to hide the fact that he sucked in a breath.

Meredith swallowed the lump in her throat. He was in pain too, but she wasn't in a position to do much to help him right now. "Look, Derek, laughing makes my ribs hurt, but they'll heal. And I'm tired, but I'll get my energy back. Things will get better."

He nodded. "Of course they will. You just need time for your levels to come back and-"

"Shut up!" She hissed at him. "This is not about me. This is about you. You look horrible and I'm trying to help you feel better. I'm going to be fine, and that's because of you, Derek. So you just need to chill."

The corner of his lips twitched before curling upward into a smirk. "Well, it seems your feistiness has come back fully."

Meredith glared at him, but his smirk only grew.

"It's too bad your physical recovery can't be as quick as your moody one."

"Why do I bother trying to be nice?"

Still smirking, he leaned in close and pressed his lips against her cheek. "Because you love me."

She laughed, and it was worth the pain. "Unfortunately," she shot back.

Derek leaned in and kissed her again, this time on the lips. "I love you too, Meredith," he said wryly.

Meredith smiled at him when he pulled away. He was still dishevelled, but his eyes were sparkling like they had been before the previous day. For a long moment she lost herself in his eyes, revelling in the feeling of normalcy; for just a few seconds she could forget the pain and exhaustion, and the fact that she was lying in a hospital bed, and that her mother was dead.

For a moment it was just her and Derek. And he was looking at her like he loved her, and would always love her; not like he was afraid to lose her.

When the moment was over the look slowly faded from his eyes, but they still shone with love, and a little less fear. Meredith squeezed his hand and let her eyes flutter shut, allowing herself to fall back to sleep with the knowledge that they would be okay.

Hours later, after the activity of the hospital died down, and Derek had found a spot for himself beside her on the small hospital bed, Meredith found herself awake while he slept. It was a rare situation even when she was perfectly healthy, so she was taking a few moments to savour it.

His arm was loose around her, and resting low against her side, far from her ribs, but she still felt safe and protected. And the even breathing against the back of her neck was comforting. He was finally sleeping. They had been awoken early the day her mother had been lucid, and had barely gotten any sleep the night after. And Meredith was certain he hadn't gotten much rest the night before. After four days of next to no sleep, Derek was finally crashing. Cristina had dropped in to check on her before leaving for the night, and Derek hadn't even stirred.

Meredith moved her hand downwards to twine her fingers with his, and smiled when he snuggled just a bit closer. She yawned and allowed her eyes to flutter shut, feeling sleep creeping up on her again – only to be interrupted.

Footsteps echoed on the hard floor, and Meredith opened her eyes to greet her newest visitor.

"How are you feeling, Grey?" He resident asked, chart in hand.

"Dr. Bailey," she greeted, "I haven't seen you in two whole hours."

She clicked her tongue. "Don't get fresh with me, Grey. I do have other patients."

"Exactly. I don't need hourly checks by every doctor in this hospital. I've been stable for more than twenty-four hours."

Bailey nodded in understanding. "We're just worried about you. You gave everyone quite a scare yesterday. Especially him," she added, motioning towards Derek.

Meredith tightened her fingers in Derek's. "I'm sorry," she whispered, to both her resident and her slumbering boyfriend.

Bailey clicked her tongue once again. "Don't you be doing that, too."

"Doing what?"

"Being sorry. These things just happen sometimes. It was no ones fault. And I definitely don't need to be dealing with a guilt ridded intern and neurosurgeon."

"He feels guilty?" Meredith whispered, feeling her heart clench.

"Of course he does."

"But...why?" Derek hadn't done anything to be guilt for. He had saved her life.

"Because he's Derek Shepherd," Bailey said dryly. And then she sighed and softened her tone. "And that's what you do when you almost lose the person you love. You try and come up with any way you could have stopped it from happening."

"But he didn't do anything..."

"I know that. And, Meredith, he knows that. But it may take a while for him to let himself believe it."

"Okay," she murmured.

"Good," Bailey said with a nod. "And as long as you're still doing fine, I'm finally going to be able to go home."

"Lucky you," Meredith said wryly. "My doctor has ordered me to stay here."

She cracked a smile. "We'll see how you are in a day or two. But for now you have to stay. And he needs to go home."

"What? No."

"Meredith... I overlooked the fact that he stayed with you last night, but it's like you said; you've been stable for more than twenty-four hours."

"But-"

Bailey sighed, her tone soft and apologetic. "You're a patient in this hospital. And you're going to be fine. And visiting hours were over almost an hour ago."

"But-"

"Meredith," she cut in again. "I know this must be hard, but it will be okay. You don't need him here."

Tears welled in her eyes. It scared her to think about not having him by her side right now. "But I do."

"Grey," Bailey said warningly.

"You owe me," Meredith shot back. "We made a deal yesterday, and you owe me a favour."

"I said it had to be something realistic."

"This is totally realistic. I'm just asking you to look the other way. We do it all the time."

"Yes, but..."

"But what?"

"He's not technically family, Meredith."

Meredith felt like she had been punched in the gut. It was Derek, for crying out loud. If the last year had taught her anything, it was family didn't have to be blood. "Yes, he is," she insisted. "And if you insist on him leaving, I'll sign myself out AMA."

"This is getting ridiculous, Meredith. I know what you went through was-"

"You have no idea what I went through," she countered, the tears from before spilling from her eyes. She was exposed and vulnerable in front of her resident, but she couldn't find the strength to keep up her walls. The thought of losing Derek's unwavering support was like a wrecking ball, smashing her carefully built fortress of walls to smithereens. "You have no idea what it was like...in the water... You have no idea how cold...how scary..." She swallowed hard, forcing herself to draw a deep breath. If she got too upset, she was sure to wake Derek. And he really needed the sleep he was getting. "I need him here," she insisted. "I can't..." She trailed off, unable to say more.

But she didn't need to say any more. Bailey looked shell shocked, taken by surprise with her intern's sudden vulnerability and admission. "I...I had no idea, Meredith," she said quietly. "I never..." She trailed off and shook her head.

Meredith sniffed and closed her eyes, willing the tears to stop. She reminded herself again and again that Derek was there, right behind her, holding her close. And it helped. He made her feel warm and safe, keeping her mind away from the thought of losing him. It never even occurred to her that she had never seen her resident speechless before.

"I'm sorry, Meredith," Bailey offered. "I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

Meredith opened her eyes. "I need him," she repeated.

"Okay. I can look the other way." She cracked a smile. "But no more favours."

"Deal."

"Get some sleep, Grey," Bailey said, rebuilding her own walls. "You need your strength so we can send you home soon; get you out of our hair."

Meredith smiled back. "Thanks, Dr. Bailey."

Bailey quickly said a finally goodnight to her intern and left the room, leaving Meredith alone with Derek and darkness.

"You're here," Meredith found herself whispering.

Still fast asleep, Derek squeezed her hand ever so slightly, but it was enough for her. It calmed her heart, and Meredith closed her eyes, falling into a peaceful sleep where she was safe and warm.

Her mother had died. Meredith herself had almost died. And she had a long recovery to look forward to. But for right now, every felt like it was going to be okay.

AN: I struggled with the second half of this chapter for quite some time. I needed to show that Meredith is vulnerable, and is secure enough in her relationship that she'll admit to needing Derek around. I'm aware that the conversation between her and Bailey makes Bailey look a bit like a bitch, but that wasn't my intention. Bailey is trying to follow the rules, thinks at first that Derek is just being clingy, but is then shocked by Meredith's reaction. And she really is a compassionate person, so she gets it.

The next chapter should be up way faster than this one was, along with another chapter of HWA, and possibly a oneshot...if I can still make it work after last night's epi...