Stain

Neil stepped his foot towards the exit gate he was silent for a while looking at the sky which lost its color this time. The Skylar above was starting to turn gray with clouds that were no less gray, the large clouds above seemed to want to be torn apart to spill their cargo. Neil felt now like a cloud, equally gray. He wanted to cry again right now but he couldn't let people know that he was weak.

So what Neil did now was cover everything with a smile. Assuming today is the same as yesterday, trying to forget the bad dream that suddenly came this morning. Neil feels insulted. And dirty.

It hurt to pretend nothing happened, but inside he was hurting until Neil found it impossible to heal. But with all the things that happened to him Neil was grateful to God not to inflict this nightmare on Skylar, let Neil bear it. Neil would try his best to endure any amount of injury to himself but he wouldn't be able to endure the pain if it happened to Skylar. Will not be able to. Neil felt not only their faces were similar but Neil felt something about him and Skylar.

"Neil?" Someone called out to Neil who was running towards him. Neil was confused when his classmate gave Neil the motorbike key.

"This is mine?"

"Yeah, I just borrowed your motorbike." Without thanks, the man left Neil just like that. Causing a question mark in Neil's mind. He remembers well when he went to school, Neil didn't bring a motorbike, he took public transportation to get to school with Skylar. Then, when did he lend a motorbike? The odd thing happened again since he moved from the small alley to the school roof.

The greeting from Neil's friend entered his ears, asking what had happened to his face. Neil couldn't lie, so all he did was just smile and leave them to head for his motorbike in the parking lot.

When Neil had boarded his favorite motorbike, the rain fell hard and hit the ground. Neil's eyes began to wander in the parking area looking for someone who never liked the rain, when Neil caught his figure he got off the motorbike. Opened the seat and took out a set of raincoats. He walked quickly towards the person.

Without further ado, Neil grabbed Skylar's hand and gave Skylar a raincoat.

Skylar was silent, looking surprised when Neil suddenly appeared in front of him and immediately gave him a raincoat.

"Put it on, I know you don't like the rain." After saying that Neil immediately left Skylar quickly without giving Skylar a chance to refuse. Neil left school on his motorbike in the rain wearing thin vocational clothes wrapped around his body.

.

Neil rode the motorbike slowly enjoying every drop of rain that wet his body. Beneath his helmet, Neil was crying so hard his throat hurt. No matter who would see and hear it, Neil kept crying. Letting the rain wash over his body, Neil wished the despicable stains were gone from his body.

Neil was so disgusted he felt like throwing up. When it was like this no one knew that now he was weak. What should Neil do after this, it's hard to pretend he's back. The only way he could do it was to put on a mask that was thicker than before and reaffirm the high wall he had built inside of him so everyone knew Neil was okay. Neil was too used to the falsehood in his whole gray world. So this time it shouldn't be a problem for him anymore.

After arriving home and making sure there were no more traces of tears on his face, Neil knocked on the door and went straight into the house. Quiet. As usual, this afternoon his father would not be home yet he would always come home late in the evening or at night. But not this time, I don't know what's wrong Neil's father came home earlier than usual.

"Why are you all wet? Dad put a raincoat on your motorbike yesterday." Raihan, Neil's father approaches Neil and gives Neil a towel.

Neil accepted it, he could stand the cold and the cold. Therefore he was able to survive against Skylar.

"I borrowed his raincoat with my friend. The thing is he doesn't like rain and can't stand the cold." While speaking Neil's hands were busy wiping his wet body. Neil really couldn't lie, except to himself.

"If you want to help people, think about yourself too. Why is that your face?"

Neil was silent for a while looking for an excuse. "After a fight, okay. Usually a boy."

"Next time, don't fight or argue with people, if it's okay to defend yourself, don't be weak, boys. Just focus on studying, don't let your grades drop. After that, take a shower and eat with Dad." Raihan turned to leave Neil to return to the living room with the television still on. Neil was silent, his father didn't know, and Neil did feel weak. Neil took off his shoes and started walking upstairs to his room.

"Neil!" Before climbing the stairs, Raihan called him again.

"Your eyes are red. Have you been crying?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"If you have a problem talk to dad. Boys shouldn't cry." Neil just smiled and went back up the stairs to get to his room. The mask is perfectly attached.

After arriving at the room he immediately locked the door, took off all his clothes, and grabbed the cutter in the desk drawer.

Neil immediately dashed into the bathroom, poured cold water into the bathtub, and lay down there. Enjoying the cold water that wrapped his body to relieve the stinging sensation that was so piercing from his old wounds that had not healed.

The day before today had been hard for Neil, plus today it felt even harder. The women and men who had hurt him physically and mentally this morning echoed in Neil's mind. Neil felt like he hated himself for being so weak he couldn't fight those three. Even the pain in his lower body still lingered now. How dirty he was, the harassment and violence that sometimes befell women this time happened to him who was a man. How could Neil face the world and how the world saw him, even to tell his father he was too shy and scared.

Neil couldn't even cry anymore. He pounded his chest letting the pain and tightness grip him. This pain wasn't enough to hurt his heart. Neil added by scratching his thigh, to make the pain feel more complete. The blood flowing from his thighs was a familiar sight for Neil. Apart from hands, thighs, and chest that was all he could hurt so the world wouldn't know what had happened to him. Neil had been a wound addict for a long time, even the first time Neil had forgotten.

After calming down enough Neil got up from the tub and rinsed himself once more with water. He grabbed a towel and came out of the bathroom.

After getting dressed Neil looked for the medicine tube he used to keep in the wardrobe but this time Neil couldn't find it. He unpacked his clothes but was still nowhere to be found. Where? Neil remembers well he put it there.

His father's voice called out to Neil from below. Neil is confused about what to do, he can't find the cure. So Neil was forced to go downstairs to meet his father at the dining table. But when he came down he heard another voice there. A voice he knew all too well filled his ears.

"Skylars?" There, Skylar sat at the dining table talking to his father in his homely attire. Doesn't seem at all surprised by Neil's presence in his house.

Thank you very much for reading.