Self-Torture

Everything didn’t seem real anymore. All the information over the past few days made my mind want to explode because Kris is not part of this family either and there is a secret regarding Emily and her mother. What is everyone hiding behind their mask of humanity?

If everyone has one deep dark secret, what made Mr Peterson so untrusting of the world around him so much so that he believes everyone is lying about who they really are when he does not even know them?

My mind drifts as I draw my feelings and drown out the noise around me.

"That was not the assignment Lavender," my teacher says with a laugh, "but it is expressive. What does it mean?"

"Oh uhm," I say and try to think, "everyone hides who they really are so it's showing both sides. The part that is never seen and the part that is always portrayed to others."

"I love it," the teacher says kindly, "I will put this in the exhibition with your permission." I nod because I have no clue what that is.

Later, Kris comes to my English class to help me out as usual.

"What is an exhibition?" I ask him and he smiles. "It's somewhere where everyone can see something you want other people to admire like a painting, sculpture or anything else," he says kindly, "why?"

"I think I made a big mistake then," I say seriously. He laughs at me and waits.

"I told my teacher she can exhibit my artwork but my art is not something I want others to see," I say seriously and gulp. "Why not?" He asks kindly. "It shows my deepest thoughts," I say honestly, "and I don't want the principal or your family to ever know."

"Can't you just get out of it then?" Kris asks calmly. I shrug my shoulders, "I have no clue."

He reassures me, "We will go talk to her together." I nod and smile as the lesson starts to unfold.

After school, we make our way to the art teacher.

"Hi Kris," the teacher smiles and asks, "what brings you here?" "Lavender wants to say something," Kris says seriously and my eyes widen. "I...I wanted to say that I don't want my art to be shown to everyone," I say honestly. "Why not?" she asks kindly. "It's too personal," I say seriously. "I am afraid I cannot take it out of the exhibition as it has already started now," she says nervously, "your parents are already there looking through the paintings because of Emily."

Panic fills my heart and Kris looks at me with worry.

"Is it really that bad?" Kris asks me with concern. I nod seriously and my face pales as we start running towards the exhibition.

"Tell me so I am prepared," Kris says as we run. "Let's just say that no one in the family is going to want me after this," I say seriously.

When we arrive, Emily is running about the exhibition with her dad and mum following her.

I run around looking for my painting and once I find it, dread fills me.

Everyone knows everything about me and about everyone in the family I live in. EVERYONE KNOWS.

To make things worse, the principal is staring right at it and then at me until he starts laughing at me.

Tears fill my eyes and then Kris catches up with me, sadness and pain fill his eyes.

I have never wanted to be in a hole any deeper than right now.

The whole school is behind me, staring at my soul openly and my trauma.

No one feels the pain or hurt, it's just that there is no secret anymore. It has been confirmed that I am nothing, I am worthless, I am...just not supposed to be here.

I run forward and out the nearest door.

I continue running and running until I cannot anymore.

I collapse and darkness overtakes me.

Once I wake up, I am in a police car with my favorite police officer.

"Hey," she says kindly, "want to tell me what happened?" "I ruined my chances of a normal life and now I am going to prison," I say seriously. "No," she says kindly, "but the judge does need to talk to you with your attorney present. You cannot run from your foster home like this it can have grave consequences for you especially because of your type of trial. This is temporary so if you mess up then you are going to prison, Lavender."

"I hate that stupid name," I say with tears in my eyes, "I wish I knew what words meant then life would not be so hard for me." "It's hard in the beginning," she says honestly, "that is why we put you in this family. They have all been through this except Emily I guess. You are good at art and you are smart, you need to just give yourself a chance."

I sigh as we drive towards the court.

The judge sits nearby me and says, "I know what you have been through and you need a let out like art but..." "I did not know what an exhibition meant otherwise I would not have done that," I say honestly and everyone stares at me.

I sigh deeply.

"Look," the judge says seriously, "I am giving you a chance to turn your life around but if you run away then it goes against your case entirely." I nod and smile then we make our way to the car.

"Where are we going?" I ask seriously. "You are going back to that family," the police officer says kindly. I sigh, "Do they even want me?" "We are working on finding your real family but believe me even if they act in a bad way, they have alot of baggage," she says kindly.

I sigh as we arrive at the home.

No one is waiting for me outside.

I look at the officer and say, "My name should mean unwanted like Mallory." "Lavender is a beautiful name and I know it has alot of background so why not change it," she says kindly. "They don't like me so they won't do anything for me. Well some of them like me but still," I say seriously.

She sighs gets out of the car and comes to open my door but I don't get out.

"You want to go to jail?" she asks me and I nod. "At least the people there have a reason to believe I am a criminal," I say sincerely, "or can't I just die." Her face pales and I get out of the car, barge into their house as well as lock my room door once I am inside.

I notice her coming towards the house.

I hear my whole family except Emily talking about me downstairs so I go to listen to them.

The officer says, "She is having a hard time feeling wanted and you guys seem to be making it hard." "I try to be hospitable and kind," mum says sweetly. Kris sighs and says, "It is not mum and I or Emily that is stopping her from being happy. It is dad as usual."

"I understand that everyone in this family has gone through difficult things and everyone has a reason to be untrustworthy of strangers but so does she. This is not helping, it's hurting and we will have to take you off the foster registry if this keeps on being the case with all these children," she says honestly, "one child died because of this. Not in your family but imagine if this happens. She wishes she were dead, Dan. I wished the same when I came here for only a year and I was not guilty. She is not guilty. I know the whole story and I always do before I let them come to you."

Mr Peterson, Dan, sighs and walks away from her. He starts walking up the stairs and I sprint to my room, locking it behind me.

I hear a knock on my door hours later, after the officer has left. I know it's Kris so I let him in.

Kris looks at me and sighs.

"I think dad wants you to leave and we will never foster again after this," Kris says seriously. "I knew he hates me," I say seriously and curl up in my bed, "I hate strangers too now but I don't feel safe in this place so maybe it is for the best that we go our separate ways, sadly."