Chapter 46

TW: Self-harm

I was driving so fast that I was willing to see him. I would passed by the other cars who's giving me a signal because of driving so fast.

Good thing, they didn't follow me to bid against the rules. I'm worried as hell and entered into a subdivision. The guard didn't even know me so he gave me a ticket instead before mentioning Lex's name before letting me in.

Hinihingal na ako nang makarating sa tapat ng bahay nya. I clicked the door bell whe waiting for outside in his new house. I didn't even know that he will live from afar, maybe he doesn't want to see me anymore? Or it is because of the guilt?

I felt relieved when he open the door for me. I run into him and hugged him tightly as I heard my sobs to his chest.

"Lex!" I shouted his name. "You really want me to worry about you? Don't ever hurt yourself!" I was crying more when I saw the scars in his wrists.

"I'm so sorry." He said weakly before hugging me back. I can feel his trembling out of fear. "I.. I just want to end this life so my thoughts will giving me peace."

"That's not a solution for that! I thought you're going to a therapist?" I asked, finding hope for his answers.

Ramdam ko ang panginginig nya habang yakap nya ako. Mas humihigpit yon. He was trying to catch his breathe because of an anxiety.

I'm trying to calm him down with the exercise breathing. After a minute he came back to normal and just crying in front of me. It's so devastating to see him crying in front of me.

"There's no hope for me to live Krish, I don't want to live because of full of guilt and regretted. I stil hate myself for doing those bullshit. I wish I was strong to fight enough to them for not hurting you." He looked at me, pleading with his eyes.

We're both crying. "No, don't do that again. Please, I'm still in love with you. My love for you still there, I just want us to be better first before I'll come back to you. I just want for the best of us." I was pleading that he'll understand what I wanted to pointed out.

"I can't live without you Krish." His eyes are red and I even caught his tears falling continuesly.

"I am too," I cupped his face to looked at me in the eyes. "But where am I now? Without you, I learn how to stand up by myself and help myself from pain you gave me. I know that you're not the only one who's at fault. I was learn to be better, I was learn to fight myself. Yes, it's so hard to woke up everyday without our love but we need too. We need to get up from the bed and start all over again by ourselves. I am still thankful that he gave me a second chance to live longer. Even if it's hard to be back zero again."

"I can't. I thought that I can't. I almost losing control for myself if only you didn't call."

Fear was slowly eating me as I shook my head. "I will not lose you anymore. Stay. I didn't know how to live again without you Lex. Please, keep fighting. I love you. I love you that I was willing to do anything to stay beside me. Don't lose hope, I'm still here. We're just need to do our tasks for ourselves first. To heal ourselves. So we can finally have a freedom to choose each other and be back to each other arms again."

Pinipilit ko pa din na kumbinsihin sya. I don't want him to let his mind be the master of it. Kahit kailan, hindi iyon ang pwedeng gawing solusyon para tapusin ang buhay nya. I was in his shoe before, but people around me helped me a lot to realize things. It was hard and it's not easy either. Halos sarado ang utak ko sa mga bagay na gusto nilang sabihin o I advice sa akin. I couldn't accept their words because all I could think was me. They will not understand my situation unless their in my shoe to gave me an advice. Instead, they choose a safest option. To go for the therapist. But I know that not all people will eventually go.

Losing hope was hard to even fight for. There's not even light for the hope. It was like you're near to shut down yourself or even locked yourself into your room. I almost lost myself too but I kept fighting. It's hard to fight myself alone but I was glad that I did it. Not fully but still, I'm in the stage of accepting everything slowly.

"I don't want you to become like me." I whispered to him. "Let's go to the therapist together, I'm not leaving you alone this time." I'll make sure of that.

He looked at me with hope in his eyes. I nodded as an approval that I was willing to help him first. He needs that, he need people beside him and who will help him.

For the next days. I'm at work until evening and updated me that he's going to a therapy. I smiled by myself and even proud of because I'm helping him. I thought he will closed the door for me but love is very powerful to even do it.

"How are you?" Iyon ang unang tanong ko sa kanya nang sunduim nya ako mula sa trabaho ko. Azure's not in the office so hindi nya makikita ang boss ko.

"I'm good. Thanks for suggesting and helping me Krishiana. I owe you a lot." He smiled at me.

All he can do was a simply. I don't want hom to think that I'll go back to him. Siguro, ito na talaga ang dapat kong kasanayan. Ang magpaliwanag para hindi ako ma miss-understand nang tao.

"Lex. I wanted you to know that-"

I was cut off. "I know, don't repeat what you've said. It will just hurt me."

I bit my lower lip and nodded. I stay calm and compose. Pinili ko na lang ang manahimik kaysa may masabi ako ulit na ikasasakit nya.

Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. I attending some sessions for a short period of time. I wanted to help him, but this time, without destroying myself.

Months passed by, I can see that he changed and almost feeling better. I was smiling and became more quiet person. I just don't felt like talking.

"Done! I was feeling better and accepting all the past now." He smiled at me and gave me a hugged. That's how he says thank you for me.

"No problem." Iyon lang ang sinabi ko at niyakap sya pabalik.

"How about you? Are you feeling better too?" Natigilan ako nang mag tanong sya. He doesn't know that I already stopped. I thought it was a short period but I just feeling better whenever I saw him. I even forgot abiut myself, because all I could think is him.

"Let's talk about it other day." Iyon lang ang sinabi ko at kumaway na sa kanya.

Nakipag kita ako kina Irish. 2 weeks before I choose to left in the Philippines so I could breathe an air and have a session in U.S

"Paalis alis na lang tayo ngayon ah, alam naba ni Lexord to?" Bungad ni Irish sa akin. Buhat ang bunsong anak.

"Hindi pa." Pag amin ko sa kanila at naupo. "Tsaka na siguro. Maiintindihan naman nya."

"Hindi masama ang nakatulong sa kapwa pero itong ginagawa mo, baka mas masakit sa kanya ang iwan sya matapos nyang buuin ulit ang sarili nya?" Nag aalalang tanong ni Nicole. May mga anak na silang lahat. Ako na lang ang wala.

Umiling ako nang may gaan sa pakiradam. "He changed for a better. Maiintindihan nya na kakailanganin kong umalis para sa sarili ko."

"Bakit ayaw mong isama sya?" Tanong naman ni Chloe.

"I want to be independent. Nasanay na akong may mga tao na willing samahan ako sa lahat for the past seven years. Ayoko naman na dumepende ulit para lang makapag heal ako. Ginagawa ko to para sa sarili ko, hindi na para sa iba." Ngumiti ako sa kanilang lahat.

I can't blame them. They wanted a child from me. Naiisip ko nga din iyon minsan pero mas inuuna kong pag tuunan nang pansin ang sarili ko.

"I wanted to love myself first." I finally have answered.

"So hindi ka mag aanak? Sayang lahi mo!" Pag e epal ni Irish kaya inirapan ko sya.

"Hindi ko sinabing tatanda ako nang dalaga! I just want to love myself first. Without anyone." Pagpapaliwanag ko sa kanya.

"It's not always to choose your love and heal with him. That's not always the case so I understand if you want to be alone for now." I wanted to thanked Desiree for her explanation.

Nilapitan nila akong lahat at niyakap. "Ayaw mo ba magpa despedida party? Pwede natin i invite yung boy's. Baka matagalan na din ang pagbalik mo nyan!"

Hindi na ako nakatanggi at tumango na lang. Wala naman na akong magagawa pa sa kanila dahil alam kong mangungulit lang sila.

After a week, I was having a despedida party. They're all crying like I was not planning to come back here again. Sinabi ko din naman sa kanilang babalik ako! At meron pa din naman kaming komunikasyon.

Tahimik magdamag si Lexord. Nagulat pa nga ako dahil naka attend sya. Sinenyasan ko na muna ang mga kaibigan ko para may oras akong kausapin sya.

"I thought we will both healed the same." Iyon ang bungad nya nang makalapit ako sa kanya.

"I'm sorry." Unang lumabas sa bibig ko. He drank his wine before placing it to a table in front of us.

"You know that I got my hopes up right? It's so ** up because I thought that you'll never leave me after I finally got healed. I just thought you changed your mind but only when you just saved me from death because you don't want to lose me. Is that all? You're just scared? Not because you love me?" Tila naguguluhan sya.

I reached his hands to calmed him down. "I would love you forever, if only you will trust me in this."

To be continued...