Dreamland

A few more months go by, the babies are almost one now. I spend a lot of time with them and even Ichiru. There are nights I still can't sleep fully so I visit him. Nothing has taken place, since that kiss months ago. I just lay on the other side, knowing he is there next to me, makes me feel calm. It makes me able to sleep better. I haven't gotten the courage or feelings to do anything more with him. In many ways, I feel like I am betraying Zero just by being next to Ichiru. I know Zero wanted this, it just feels strange to me.

As I am getting the daily mail, I find a brown envelope addressed to me, inside it's my divorce papers. I feel a sigh of relief at least one part of this mess is over. I am free of Joel. It wasn't like the first time where I dwelled on it, this time I even forgot about it. The papers coming to me, without me even checking on things. I had no urge to remarry. No urge for anything this time. I was just taking things as they came.

Ichiru comes home from work and I show him the papers. I see a relief wash over him.

"I am so glad this went without a hitch. I wasn't too sure when he was standing him last time we talked to him. It just seems he let it go." Ichiru admits.

"He really didn't have a choice, did he?" I answer.

"Are you happy about it this time?" Ichiru asks.

"Yes, I am glad it's over. It's sad in a way it had to happen all over again, but at least now it's done. He has made the girls come over more and doesn't drop them off like he used to. He was just using that to see me. Once he saw you were here and I wanted a divorce he stopped that. That has made things easier as well." I state.

"Yes, I have noticed that also. He also saw I moved in, so it helped with him realizing things were over. I think tonight I am going to give you a break and take the twins to the park. I think you need some alone time just for yourself. You can relax, sleep take a long bath. Whatever you need." Ichiru says.

"That would be great. Thank you so much. You are always here when I need you, I can't thank you enough." I reply.

"You don't have to. I love being here and I love the twins. You already know how I feel about you." Ichiru answers with a smile

"Yes, I do." I smile back.

Ichiru takes the twins out, leaving me alone. I haven't been alone in a while it feels nice. I am going to do what he suggested and relax. I need it, it's been a long eleven months. I head upstairs to the bath where I get in just relaxing with the warm bubbles surrounding me. I close my eyes and just relax for a bit. The quiet feels so good. I stay in there for at least thirty minutes, then getting out and walking to my room, where everything is still the same. I walk over and slide my damp feet into Zero's slippers Sliding on his white dress shirt that still smells of his cologne. I just take the smell of him in, still missing him very much.

Tonight I just want to let go and be close to you. I slide into bed, under the covers placing your pillow long ways to hug as if it was you. I hold it close, closing my eyes. You on my mind and in my heart fully.

I haven't felt this way in a long time, finally calm enough to do this. Without breaking into tears, I drift off to dreamland in no time.

I hold the pillow close, it just doesn't feel like a pillow anymore. It feels like you. Your warm slender body that I always wanted to snuggle up to, always wanted near me. No matter how upset I was with you, I still needed you close.

I can swear I feel your arms around me, it feels like heaven. I open my eyes to your pale chest. It can't be, I close my eyes, scared that if I look up at your neck, its going to be Ichiru. I just know I need to see what is going on, so I reopen my eyes looking up at your sweet neck. I see the tattoo that I have come to know and love. I look up at your face, into those lavender eyes that I can never forget.

"Zero? Is it really you?" I ask.

"Yes, babe it's me really me. You finally let go enough that our connection was still strong to come through." Zero says.

"Does this mean you can stay? I have you back?" I say sitting up on top of him.

"No babe, it's just in a dream state. I am dead in both of our worlds. There is nowhere to go. Your connection is so strong to me, you still can bring me here." Zero answers.

"God I miss you so much! Why did you do this? Why leave me this way, why not tell me the truth?" I say holding him so tight

"I know you do, I miss you as well. I know you don't understand why I did this but you will. The ten years I gave back to you, to have what you always really wanted even if it's not with me." Zero states

" If you love me as you say, how can you just throw our life to your brother? Your just handing me over to him. Any feelings I start to feel towards him makes me feel like I am betraying you." I reply.

" I know how much you love me. Really love me. You gave me so much, and I want to give that back to you. I can't be jealous of him having you or the life that was mine. I did have it and there were a lot of things I wish I did differently that I know he will. He can love you fully, never hurting you. You just need to open yourself up to it. Don't think of it as betraying me, your not. I watched him for many years, I know how you feel about me, he feels about you. I believe together you can make a wonderful life. Making both of you happy. I love you both and want that for you. I don't want to be selfish like I was when I was alive. When I first came here all I thought about was myself, the life you gave me I didn't want to end. When it did, I finally saw so much more, I loved you fully and I know you always have me. I just wish I could have offered that to you sooner. Instead of chasing a dream." Zero explains.

"I don't know Zero, I think the only reason I have any feelings towards him, is because he looks like you. I find myself staring at him, thinking of you. That's not being fully there or being true." I admit.

"No, it's not but in a way, Ichiru knows this. He knows how much you love me, he hated me for it. But him looking like me, is giving you everything you want rolled into one. Even if at first that's how your feelings start, you will see past that with the way he treats you. And how much he loves you will win over." Zero answers.

"I do see how much he cares how much he will do anything to make me feel better. I see myself in him, and its why I don't want to hurt him." I reply.

"That's another thing. You know how it feels so you will think before hurting him. Its what makes you both perfect for each other." Zero responds.

"I still wish you wouldn't have did it this way. I would love to still be able to be Mrs. Kiryu. To be able to lay next to you when the time comes." I say.

"You still will be Mrs. Kiryu. And even if no one knows I exist you will always be my wife. You don't understand why but you will. I see the bigger picture, I left it all up to you to start over again." Zero states.

"And if i don't want to? How about If i want to come with you? I don't want to be here." I answer.

"Babe, I love you but you can't. That would only mean we would both be dead. Not in your world or in the anime world. I do not want that. You have so much to live for. I left two children so you would go on. I thought that would help you push through." Zero confesses.

"No! IT doesn't. It just made me hurt more knowing they won't know you. You took all the memories away from our son. Do you know how much that hurts me?" I spat.

"He will remember as he gets older, the memories are still in his mind. I know you wanted to have more children with me, so I gave you our daughter. I know I can't be there to raise her, even though I would love to. I do know she is in the best hands and will turn out wonderful as our son did." Zero answers.

"I am glad you're sure of all this because I not. It's even more painful than when you ...went with Yuki. "I admit.

"It will be fine, everything will be. You just need to let go, and let things happen." Zero comments.

"I can't just forget you, I can't just act like you never existed. You were and are all I ever wanted." I say.

"I know and it makes me happy to know this. You don't have to forget just open up to new things. I will be here when its all over if you still want me. Just when that time comes, you may not want to." Zero announces.

"What do you mean?" I ask.

"When it is your time, I can come to get you and we can be together. If that is what you still want. Just now live your life and be happy." Zero says.

"Why would you ever think I wouldn't still want that?" I say.

"You may want to go with someone else. You may find things better than they were with me." Zero states.

"I want to be with you. I will always want to be with you." I answer.

"Then we have a deal. I will come back when that time comes. Now you live and enjoy things. Promise me?" Zero comments

"Ok, I want to be with you now, I want you to hold me, to touch me. " I respond.

"We can do that, but you will have t ogo back," Zero says.

"Not now, in a bit. " I answer kissing his lips.