Evil 101

"Do you know the number one mistake that villains usually make when designing their minions' uniforms?" Namjoon asked as his gaze swept over the five villain-hopefuls (Hoseok, Seokjin, Jimin, Jeongguk and Yoongi, according to the nametags that he still had no idea why they were wearing) that sat in front of him.

His eyes fell on Hoseok - a man with a heart-shaped smile that Namjoon had seen earlier - and he pointed his finger at him.

"You. What do you think the answer is?"

"Um," the man looked up, clearly panicked. "Capes?"

"Capes." Namjoon deadpanned. "Why capes?"

"Well, Edna Mode says-"

"That has nothing to do with this," he sighed, "Next."

The next man in the row, Seokjin, seemed almost too pretty to be on the side of evil. With his model-like proportions and kind eyes, he was the kind of person that Namjoon would have immediately pegged as a hero but as he had learned years ago, appearances can be deceiving.

"They try to make them…. Um…" the man paused, forehead scrunched up in thought. "In season?"

"For the weather?" Namjoon asked, raising a questioning eyebrow at the man.

"No, I mean season as in fashion? I know that I wouldn't want to have my minions wearing some abomination from three years ago." He seemed almost offended in a way that Namjoon would never have expected from someone who was planning to be a villain.

"While aesthetic is appreciated on occasion," he drawled, "no. Next!"

"Oh, I know!" the shortest and most cheerful of the hopefuls exclaimed, waving his hand around in the air like a child in an elementary school class, causing the pouch at his waist to move around and make strange noises.

"Alright," Namjoon said hesitantly. "What is it…"

"Jimin. My name is Jimin."

"... Jimin. Minus one point for giving away your name." Namjoon muttered under his breath while making a note on his clipboard.

"But we have nametags-"

"Doesn't matter. What is your idea?"

"Not making their uniforms bulletproof!" Jimin said confidently after a moment of staring at Namjoon critically. "Minions aren't completely expendable and replacing them will eventually get difficult."

"That is true," Namjoon replied, slightly surprised. Jimin beamed and he grudgingly had to admit that the boy was closer than the others had been.

"But unfortunately, that's too expensive and isn't practical for movement, so that's also wrong."

Jimin's face fell and he pouted, trying to shoot a glare up at Namjoon, but he was ignored. Namjoon moved on to the next one, the youngest, who was fiddling with a Rubik's cube and only looked up once Namjoon coughed expectantly at him.

The boy - because really, that's all he was - smiled sheepishly.

"To be honest, I haven't been paying attention so I have no idea what your question is."

Not for the first time, Namjoon wondered why the heck he was doing this. There weren't very many job openings in the evil overlord industry, after all, and he had only just managed to secure his career by terrorizing some nameless town in the middle of nowhere until they submitted to him. He was still only a novice overlord, compared to others in the business, and it honestly made no sense to him why he was asked to teach these wannabes how to be a good overlord.

At first, it didn't seem like it would be that bad, but god, they were hopeless.

"Never mind," he groaned, waving a hand in his direction. He turned to the last of his so-called 'pupils', hoping that maybe this one would have a clue.

What he found instead, was a man so bored that he was almost falling asleep. Now, Namjoon didn't consider himself a great teacher or anything, not by any stretch of the imagination, but this was just insulting.

"Answer," he snapped, "Now."

The man yawned and blinked up at him before sighing.

"It's the visors."

Namjoon was sure that if he was any less composed than he was, his mouth might have dropped open.

"It really isn't practical if your minions can't even see, and heroes are kinda dumb and will have more empathy if they can see their opponents expressions instead of simply cutting down a faceless horde." The man grimaced and scratched the back of his head before yawning once more and not saying anything further on the subject.

"Well, yes, um..." Namjoon sputtered, trying to find the words. "That's... that's correct."

Maybe some of them weren't quite as hopeless as he thought.

He chanced a glance over at the others. Jimin was chatting away with model boy Seokjin, Rubik's cube kid had just gotten further away from his goal and heart-smile dude - Hoseok? - was attempting to beatbox (or something, Namjoon couldn't really tell what he was doing).

Nevermind. They were still hopeless.