Chapter 36.

When I entered the supposed pocket realm what laid before my eyes on the other side left me shocked to death… or was it better if I said I was confused?

What it meant, I was far from certain?

I shot a cursory glance at my wife with imaginary question marks floating over my head.

She simply smiled back at me like it was the most natural thing in the world. It was a look of pure innocence that nearly made me honestly believe my little wife could not possibly do any wrong. Was I actually the crazy one here for not understanding the situation clearly? Like hell look of pure innocence! That was definitely the look of I did it, what are you going to do about it!

I quickly came to the conclusion that I wouldn't get anywhere without voicing my concerns, so I asked her up front, "little wife, what is the meaning of this?"

"Meaning of what?"

"This house."

"Don't play dumb husband, you should know better than I do."

"I definitely know best what this house is, but why is it here?"

"Why wouldn't it be here?"

"This is a pocket realm, isn't it?"

"..."

"It is, isn't it?! Why are you so silent all of a sudden? Why are you averting your gaze?!"

"Husband, there are some things you are better off not asking."

"No no no. There is no way I can not ask. What is my family's house doing in some ancient tablet that should contain a pocket realm?!"

"Husband, this is your final warning. If you probe any further into the mysteries of the world, your little wife will be forced to reluctantly dish out divine punishment."

When she mentioned divine punishment I was slightly scared inside. Just slightly though. Yeah, only a teensy weensy little bit. After all, with a goddess wife, divine punishment was no longer something you'd joke about with the homies when out drinking at night. But on the other hand, there were times where a man needed to stand his ground. This was naturally one of those times.

It was definitely not that I was secretly excited by the thought of the so called "divine punishment" or anything. It definitely wasn't that! I'm a manly man among men! A man who can scam even the gods of their daughters… literally. I'm not afraid of some punishment from a woman who just so happened to also be my wife! My eyes definitely did not show an expectant look in them like the reflection I saw of my face in my wife's soul stealing eyes.

"Little wife, I'm not scared of any punishment. There are some things more important than fearing punishment."

"Admit it, you want to be bullied."

"I do not!"

"Really? That look on your face seems to say otherwise though."

"My eyes sparkling is just because of the nostalgia of seeing my home after a month. That is all my wife, there is no deeper meaning to my expression."

Despite what I said, even I felt rather unconvinced by my words; however, there was nothing I could really do about that.

"Husband, are you just going to stand there and not introduce your little wife to father and mother-in-law?

Was this her true goal? Was this whole trial by fire just an excuse to meet my family? Were you too shy to bring it up directly?

"Little wife, the real reason behind this trial by fire, is it actually…"

"Husband enough pointless chatter, I want to be introduced already."

Yep, she was definitely bashful when it came to her true feelings. That look of excitement in your eyes gave you away little wife. You can't hide it from your all knowing magnificent husband who can see through all the profound mysteries of this world. There was no way you were just pretending to be excited right now to divert my attention away from something else … I think. No I'm definitely right this time. Yeah. I'm absolutely not being played by my little wife again this time. Definitely not.

When I noticed the eager look on her face that screamed for me to hurry up, I reluctantly dropped the matter and approached the front door, but I hesitated for a moment. I lost my keys after I died after all.

What do I tell them when they ask where they are? Tell them, "I died. Tehe." Then knock myself on the head with one hand as I tilt my head to the side?

It sounds stupid, but maybe it would work. Like hell im doing that! I'd be a moron to think that would work! What else can I really say though? That was when it hit me like a speeding truck-kun.

For some reason I felt like there was a very deep reason for this feeling of being hit by a truck, but I'd likely never know.

It was the best, most reasonable excuse I could have possibly thought of. I might actually be an idiot for not thinking of it sooner.

Once I successfully conceived the best excuse on the face of this planet, that no man or god would ever dare dream to come up with, I walked over to the door confidentially and raised my right hand.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

…

Nobody was home?

Knock. Knock. Knock.

"Is anyone home? It's me, Sanji. Your son has returned at long last."

Still no response. Were they really out right now? It was supposed to be a long awaited reunion with my family that touched one's heart. How could they not be at home for this?

I turned back to my wife with a troubled look and said, "it looks like my family's not home."

There was no disappointment on my wife's face and she calmly responded, "don't worry they're home, it looks like there's someone in the toilet and someone in the kitchen listening to music."

Oh. That explains everything. One can't really answer while the other can't hear me.

When I thought about the time, my mother was most likely the one in the toilet. She usually used it around this time like it was programmed into her genetics. My sister usually listened to music whenever she was home. Father's probably still out at work.

I guess I just need to be loud enough for my mother to hear me and get out of the toilet. She would surely rush out when she hears that her son is finally back after such a long time away from home.

KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK. KNOCK.

"Mother get out of the toilet! Your son is back after being away on a journey for an entire month!"

I shouted out at the top of my lungs so the whole neighbourhood could hear.

Pattapattapattapattapatta.

After a few seconds I heard her helter-skelter panicked footsteps from behind the door. It looked like mother was truly moved by her son's sudden, unexpected return.

I opened my arms wide as I awaited our touching reunion. When the door slammed open, against my expectations, I was greeted by a taekwondo kick to the face.

Sister, that was truly a beautiful kick. To think you'd even greet me with a bit of fan service. Sis, you do realize you're wearing a skirt, right? I saw slightly wet black lingerie under her skirt; it was a good omen. They were surely the tears that dripped on them before she pulled them up and wiped those tears away from her "eye."

Was she really so moved by my return that she didn't have time to wipe properly? Although it could just be that she was so excited that she lost control of her bladder and leaked a little from excitement when she saw her brother again. If my goddess wife fell for me, just a single look at me was surely enough to make any woman wet themselves when they looked at my awe inspiring appearance. Even if that woman may be my own sister. Alas, it is truly tough to be at the top.

Well… on a side note, was this really how you greeted your suave brother that you hadn't seen in so long? A taekwondo kick! Really? A taekwondo kick!

It was important, so I repeated myself for emphasis.

"Who's your mommy? Huh?! Huh?! Do I look old enough to have an idiotic twenty seven year old virgin son who doesn't know delicacy?! Little brother, why are you back anyways? If you were going on a journey to find yourself and do some soul searching you should have just never come home!"

Ah this feels really nostalgic after all. Such a touching reunion between siblings. I felt a strange sense of warmth when I heard my sister's kind, heartfelt words as her stocking covered foot grinded against my face. Damn it! I wish I could say I felt a warm sensation in my heart! Isn't that how things are supposed to go when family members reunited?

Why is it instead feeling the warm sensation of my sister's foot on my face when we finally reunite after being apart for a month?! Where is my tear jerking reunion?! Is this a scam? Are you really my sister? Are we really blood related? Am I actually adopted?

I awkwardly glanced at my wife from the corner of my eye to see how she'd reacted. Meanwhile, my sister didn't retract her foot an inch, she just left if there like it was the most natural position in the world. It seemed she felt that my face was a rather comfortable foot rest. Fudge you, who's a foot rest?! Your mother's a foot rest! Ah, never mind, sorry she's not.

I noticed when I examined my wife's expression more closely. She had a look of confusion and doubt on her face when she scrutinized my sister. It was like she thought there was something really bizarre or unbelievable about my elder sister.

She returned her gaze back to me and asked, "are you really blood related siblings? Are you sure you weren't adopted?"

Even she doubted it as well? Can I cry now? No, really, can I?

"She really doesn't look anything like you after all. How should I say it? Isn't she too sexy to be your elder sister?"

I felt betrayed... even my wife thought I was adopted too. I let out a sigh and dejectedly requested, "big sister could you please put your foot down?"

"Why?"

"Can't you see we have an important guest?"

My sister calmly turned her attention to my wife before she returned a piercing gaze back at me without a single change to her indifferent expression. My sister blandly responded, "so? What does it matter if we have a guest? You're enjoying my foot in your face anyways, aren't you?"

"No no no, my beautiful caring elder sister. As beautiful as you may be, my sister, no man likes having a foot pressed against their face in front of another person."

"My foolish little brother, there are a lot of people who pay good money for that kind of service. You should be thanking your elder sister for allowing you to experience this strange hidden pleasure that other men can only dream of experiencing."

"I can see your panties though."

"And? My little brother seeing my panties isn't a big deal, is it? We've grown up together and we've even seen each other naked. What's there to hide now?"

"Big sister... it's hard to say why, but I really think you should put your foot down. For your sake and mine."

"I don't want to, I'm stretching right now."

"Big sister, can you please refrain from using your little brother's face as a foot holder to stretch your legs."

"Little brother, I'm waiting for that hard to say reason. So, what is it?"

"You didn't wipe properly."

My sister calmly lowered her leg immediately in response. She narrowed her eyes and glared at me momentarily before she returned to her calm indifferent state. She probably thought, it's just my little brother, so who cares.

She then called out excitedly with a cutesy expression, "mommy! Little brothers back!" At least, she did as such in my head. Reality was much crueler than my imagination.

Instead she called out in a flat monotone voice, with uncaring eyes, "mom, brothers back. It looks like he's hired some girl to act like his girlfriend again."

"Big sister isn't that quite cruel after you haven't seen your little brother in over a month? Also, I wouldn't hire someone! And get it right, can you not see that ring on her finger? She's my wife!"

"Mom, brothers back, it looks like he's hired some girl to act like his wife again."

"She's not hired! She really is my wife!"

Why can my big sister not show even the slightest bit of respect or care for me when I'm in front of my wife? Is she jealous that her little brother is now taken? Does she actually secretly have a little brother complex?

"Mom, brother seems to have lost his mind from being single for too long. Should I call a psychiatrist again?"

Nope! Who am I kidding? She's just spiteful that I'm married before her! It is a landmine for her after all; both attractive and sexy, but men are too cowardly to make a move on her. She even went through a point in life where she turned full on lesbian. At some point, she couldn't deny she really liked men when confronted by her female companions. Eventually she stopped dating women altogether once she realized she'd only hurt them in the long run by lying to herself.

"Sister, shouldn't this be a touching reunion after a month apart?"

"Shouldn't this be where you leap in and passionately embrace your little brother in tears, thus creating a heart jerking reunion between two loving siblings?"

"Mom, big brother is being creepy. Should I call the police instead?"

"Sister! Please give your little brother a break! Don't call them again!"

It looked like my wife caught on quickly. She interjected, "again? You're a repeat offender?"

Beep. Beep. Beep. Ring. Ring. Ring.

I quickly snatched the phone out of my sister's hand and hung up. Cold sweat broke out behind my back and flowed down like a waterfall.

"My wife, my elder sister merely jests. It was just a joke. A joke."

"So you really have hired women to act like your girlfriend or wife before?"

"That's what you were questioning?!"

"Naturally."

I wanted to cry, she didn't question the part about the police, but rather the part about how I allegedly hired women to act as my girlfriend or wife? Why was her question so delayed anyways?! Did she honestly believe I did that?

I looked in the mirror behind my sister towards the end of the hallway and examined myself more closely. Did I look that pathetic? Last time I checked I was dashingly handsome, so much so that I was able to win my wife's heart at first glance. But was that really the case?

"My wife, I am handsome, right?"

"Mmmm?"

Why aren't you answering me immediately? Can you please not avert your eyes to the side. Also, what's with the troubled look on your face? What's that face even supposed to mean?!