Helena's Identity

Helena's P.O.V.

I was no longer in the mood to attend the next class, that's why I called our family driver to fetch me up. Last subject na rin naman 'yon at second day pa lang ng school year, so I think I could still skip my class. In fact, I could skip classes whenever I wanted and no one could ever stop me! Now boarded in our limo, Mang Carding was taking me home.

Hindi ko dapat sinabi 'yon do'n sa freak guy na 'yon. Oh, what was his name again? All I could remember was his surname, and that was Rivera. But do I have a choice? He creeped me out! Sunod nang sunod na parang stalker! Bakit kasi hindi na lang niya ako lubayan? Masyado ba siyang nagagandahan sa'kin? Anyway, I didn't want to be friends to whoever because I already learned my lessons well.

Kahit sa dati kong school, walang ibang ginawa 'yong mga classmates ko kung hindi ang bully-hin ako. Parang kaligayahan na nga nila sa pang-araw-araw nilang buhay ang sabihan ako ng kung ano-anong masasakit na salita like teacher's pet at strawberry — meaning sipsip. Isa raw kasi akong malaking threat sa iba pang mga estudyanteng gusto ring maging class valedictorian.

As if I care with those ugly bitches and damn scumbags!

Pero hindi naman sana mangyayari ang lahat ng 'yon kung hindi kami naaksidente ni Helena. Aksidenteng hanggang ngayon ay pilit pa ring nagmumulto sa aking isipan.

Yes. All those bullying and criticisms that I had to endure for one year were for the real Helena. I was, I am and I will always be Athena Cari Delgado... and Helena Mari Delgado was my identical twin sister.

Wala kaming pinagkaiba sa physical appearance namin — height, skin, hair color and length? Lahat magkatulad. We also shared the same eye color, green, which we inherited from our pure Spanish mommy.

Helena was just wearing a pair of eye glasses because she had conditions such as Computer Vision Syndrome and Astigmatism. If not, you wouldn't be able to find out who was Helena and who was Athena. But I guessed, those were in terms of physical items only.

When it comes to attitude, she was way far better than me! As in super far! Sa sobrang layo nga ay umabot na sa Mars. She was and will always be kinder than me! She was almost perfect. Mabait, matalino, matino... at ako?

Well, who cared about me? I was just the fabulous and richer version of the word bitch! Outgoing, extrovert and rebellious... but I must say... pretty and gorgeous bitch!

We were still young when our mother left us but even though Mom was still alive, Daddy had always been in favor of Helena. She was so smart to the point that she always got the top rank... and me? Oh! Like Helena, I was also consistent to be on top!

Daddy's top pain of the ass!

Ako lang naman ang numero unong sakit ng ulo niya. For him, I was nothing, but always the black sheep. Anak na wala nang nagawang matino sa mga mata niya. Anak na kahit kailan ay hindi niya gugustuhing iharap sa mga kumpadre at business partners niya. Anak na hindi niya maipagmamalaki kahit kailan.

Pero kahit gano'n, hindi ako kailanman nagtanim ng inggit kay Helena. Kahit gustong-gusto kong mainggit kung paano siya paboran ni Daddy gayong kambal naman kaming dalawa, hindi ko ginawa. We still remained as best friends despite the fact that she was, she is and she will always be Daddy's favorite.

She always wanted our father to give the same love and attention to me. Pero okay lang kahit hindi, hindi ko naman pinagsisiksikan ang sarili ko kay Daddy. It just came to a point that I didn't care anymore. I would never please him to accept me. If he loathed me for a reason I didn't understand until now, then so be it. End of story.

But everything had changed when that dreadful accident happened, fourteen months ago...

We were on our way to Las Albas para magbakasyon. It was also our Dad's treat to Helena for getting the highest rank again. As usual, Helena was at the front seat katabi ni Daddy. Ako? Wala namang bago, palagi naman akong nasa likod at sanay na sanay na ako.

"Athena, dito ka na lang sa harap. Gusto ko kasing humiga para matulog eh, I can't sleep here..." kunwaring inaantok na sabi ni Helena nang nasa stop-over kami, na sinabayan pa niya ng malakas na hikab. "Sige na, pretty please?" Kumindat pa ito sa akin — hudyat lang naman 'yon na gusto na naman niya kaming paglapitin ni Daddy.

I just sighed. 'How could I say no to her?'

Hindi naman nagsalita si Daddy kahit pa alam kong labag sa loob niya ang gustong mangyari ni Helena, pero dahil sa lumipat na sa back seat ang paborito niyang anak at pinagtulakan na rin ako nito palabas ng kotse, ay wala na akong nagawa kung hindi ang lumipat sa front seat at mag-seatbelt.

"Helena, anak... careful ha! Matulog ka na lang nang nakaupo para may seatbelt ka pa rin," puno ng pag-aalalang sabi ni Daddy bago niya muling pinatakbo ang kotse. He didn't even mind me.

'It's just fine, Athena. Don't mind him as well!' I told myself.

Minsan, nakakainggit din talaga 'yong atensyong ibinibigay ni Daddy kay Helena. Kung paano niya ito ituring na prinsesa na kahit yata sa panaginip ay hindi niya magagawa sa akin. 'Yong feeling na parang si Helena lang 'yong nag-e-exist? Pero pinipigilan ko ang sarili ko. Lagi kong tinatatak sa isip ko na kahit gaano pa ako kasamang tao, hindi ako pwedeng mainggit sa kapatid ko. She was my twin sister and God knew how much I loved her.

And for her, I was so willing and more than willing to sacrifice.

I pretended to enjoy the tranquility of our trip. Dad did not pay any attention to me all through out, so I just covered my ears with my Bluetooth headset. I enjoyed listening to my playlist and the music was loud enough that up to the middle of his drive, I could say that everything went fine.

Nakatulog si Helena sa likod ngunit nakahiga siya at hindi na nakapagsuot pa ng seatbelt. Sa paulit-ulit na paglingon ni Daddy to actually check on her and as if the rearview mirror was not enough, hindi na niya napansin pa ang rumaragasang truck opposite our way.

"Daddy!" sigaw ko pero huli na ang lahat.

Masyadong mabilis ang mga pangyayari. Ang huli kong natatandaan ay bumangga kami sa truck at sa lakas nang pagkakabangga, nasira at nalaglag ang sasakyan namin sa bangin.

Nabawi agad ni Daddy 'yong lakas niya just within two weeks of his confinement. Ako naman ay two months ding na-comatose... pero sa kasamaang palad, Helena didn't survive!

Mariin kong ipinikit ang aking mga mata at malalim na bumuntong-hininga. Hindi ko napigilang pumatak ang luha sa aking kaliwang mata sa patuloy kong pag-alala sa nakaraan...

Nagising akong tahimik na natutulog si Daddy sa tabi ko. Nakaupo siya sa isang maliit na upuan at may benda pa ang kanyang noo paikot sa likod ng ulo. Bakas pa ang kaunting dugo sa benda. Dahan-dahan kong hinawakan ang mga kamay niya at siya naman ay nagising na.

"Helena, hija! Salamat sa Diyos at buhay ka!" Agad niyang hinawakan ang leeg at ulo ko sa tindi ng kanyang pag-aalala, "Okay ka lang ba, anak? May masakit ba sa'yo? Teka, tatawag lang ako ng doktor." Akma sana siyang aalis nang hinawakan ko ang kaliwang kamay niya upang pigilan siya.

"Dad... I... I am... not H-Helena. I am A-Athena," I managed to tell him despite the fact that it was really hard for me.

It was like I didn't have any strength to even say those few words... not because I couldn't, but because he already assumed that I was his favorite daughter... when I was clearly not.

I wanted to deny the feeling but that was what really hurts. It was hurting me more than the scars and fractures I had endured.

'But enough of me, where is she?'

Hindi ko alam pero tila nagbago ang ekspresyon ng mukha niya, "No, hija! Nagha-hallucinate ka lang! It might be the effect of the accident but you're Helena, okay? I'm sorry to tell you this, but Athena is dead."

Akala ko, wala nang bago pa sa mararamdaman ko. Akala ko, sanay na akong masaktan sa tuwing ipinaparamdam niya sa akin na parang si Helena lang talaga ang anak niya... but what he just said gave me too much mental and emotional suffering I didn't know if I could still bear.

Bakit napakadali at bakit parang wala lang sa kanya 'yong sinabi niyang, 'Athena is dead?' Pinilit kong labanan, pero nangilid agad ang mga luha ko sa aking mga mata.

'But if he was telling me that I died, would that mean... Helena died?'

"No, Dad! Listen to me, I'm Athena — the black sheep of the family and your rebellious daughter. Yes, we are identical but you knew from the very start that we are different when it comes to attitude. Dad, I'm Athena and I am not just hallucinating! I know who I am and I'm one hundred percent sure that I'm not Helena!"

Hindi ko na alam kung paano ko pa nasabi ang mga salitang 'yon. Hindi ko na nakontrol pa ang sarili ko. Ayoko man, hindi ko na napigilan pa ang umiyak nang tuluyan. Pilit kong iniisip na sana ay panaginip na lang ang lahat. It was ironic, but I was torn between fighting for my own identity and mourning over the loss of my twin.

Daddy was about to speak when the doctor came followed by the two nurses. The doctor started to check my heartbeats, then, my eyes. He removed my bandage to check what I thought was a head wound and instructed the female nurse to replace it. The male nurse, on the other hand, injected something on my veins to help me calm down.

After that, the doctor introduced himself as Dr. Kim. He asked for my name and if I could still remember all the details before the accident happened.

"I'm Athena Cari Delgado, Doc. I was seated at the front seat with our father while my twin sister, Helena Mari, was sleeping at the back—" pero hindi pa ako tapos magsalita nang biglang sumabat si Daddy.

"No, Helena! Please stop this nonsense! Doc, please check my daughter again. I think, she was having an amnesia or some kind of hallucination. I will pay for everything, I will double your professional fee — name your price if you want! Just do everything to cure my daughter! Please make her remember that she was Helena."

"Please relax, Mr. Delgado. We ran a series of tests sa naging brain damage ng anak niyo and fortunately, after two months of being comatose, she's now free of any hemorrhage and blood clot. I didn't see anything wrong with her. She's completely fine and she's also free of any psychological traumas. Actually, wala siyang amnesia. In fact, she clearly remembers everything and she's very strong. Even though you lost the other, your daughter here was a fighter and we can discharge her so she can continue her healing periods at home. Excuse us, we will leave you for now so you two can talk... but please do not stress the patient, Mr. Delgado. It will only affect her condition," malumanay na sabi ng doktor bago siya lumabas ng kwarto kasama 'yong dalawang nurse.

Silence reigned the entire room before Daddy opened his mouth, "I still can't believe this. So you're really Athena, huh?" he bitterly said as he broke down into tears. "So, it was really Helena? Oh, God! My Helena? What did you do? My daughter died because of you," he said those harsh words in a low tone but it was like a bomb that deafened both of my ears. He even pointed his finger on me as if I was a criminal being tried in court. It affected me so much that all I had to do was sob.

"And how about me, Dad? A-Am I not your daughter? Dad, anak niyo rin po ako. D-Don't talk to me as if I was a different person outside our family, who just k-killed your beloved daughter! Kapatid ko si Helena, Dad. S-She was my twin sister and never in my entire life that I would want her d-dead! Huwag niyo naman pong isisi ang lahat sa akin, dahil aksidente po ang nangyari!" Wala na akong tigil sa pag-iyak at halos hindi na ako makahinga.

Kung alam ko lang na mangyayari ang lahat nang ito, hindi na sana ako pumayag sa kagustuhan ni Helena na magpalit kami ng puwesto sa sasakyan. Kung habambuhay lang akong sisisihin ni Daddy sa pagkamatay niya, sana ay ako na lang talaga ang nawala.

"Fix your things. We will leave now!" Iyon ang mga huling salitang narinig ko sa kanya, bago siya lumabas at padabog na isinara ang pinto ng kwartong kinaroroonan ko.

Nahihilo man ay inayos ko ang sarili ko at ang mga gamit ni Helena na tingin ko'y hinanda para sa kanya. Dahil no'ng una ay hindi naman alam ni Daddy na ako talaga ang nabuhay at hindi ang pinakamamahal niyang anak. Ano kaya kung alam na niya sa simula pa lang na ako talaga 'yong nabuhay, ipaghahanda rin niya kaya ako ng mga gamit tulad nito? Makikita ko kaya siya sa gilid ng kama ko na naghihintay sa paggising ko?

I smirked. 'Ang tanga ko talaga para magtanong at umasa pa. Syempre, klaro namang hindi! Dahil kahit kailan ay hindi siya magkakaroon ng pakialam sa akin.'

When I got out of the room, I saw him currently sitting on one of the benches at the hallway — looking very disappointed and closed to being devastated. He didn't even bother to get a wheelchair for me.

Kinuha niya ang bag na dala-dala ko at tahimik na lamang akong sumunod sa kanya kahit papilay-pilay pa ako. I guessed, some fractures were not yet fully healed kahit gaano pa ako katapang na tiisin ang mga 'yon. There was a male nurse who offered me a wheelchair, but I refused.

Pumunta kami ng parking lot kung saan naroroon ang tingin ko'y isa pang kotse namin. Nagmamadali namang lumabas ng kotse ang driver naming si Mang Carding upang alalayan ako sa aking paglalakad. Naisip ko tuloy na kung si Mang Carding na lang sana ang nagmaneho nang araw na naaksidente kami, buhay pa sana ang kakambal ko.

Kung hindi ako nagkakamali ay sa sementeryo kung saan nakalibing si Mommy kami pumunta. Pumasok kami ni Daddy sa sariling Mosuleo namin kung saan naroroon ang aking ina... at ngayon nga'y katabi na niya si Helena.

Pero ang nakagigimbal sa lahat ay nang makita ko ang lapida sa kinahihimlayan ng kakambal ko:

Athena Cari LeBeau Delgado

Born: November 12, 1992

Died: April 18, 2007

Hindi ko na namalayan ang mabilis na pagbuo ng luha ko sa mga mata bago 'yon umagos sa mukha ko. Hindi ko mapigilang basta na lang mapaluhod, habang nanginginig na hinawakan ang lapida kung saan malinaw pa sa sikat ng araw na nakasulat ang pangalan ko.

Pinatay na talaga ako ni Daddy! Not just physically... but mentally and emotionally. Ang sakit! Ang sakit-sakit! Sana ay naging manhid na lang ako pagkatapos ng aksidente, para hindi ko na nararamdaman pa ang lahat nang ito. For once, hindi niya ba talaga ako tinuring na anak?

"Simula ngayon, patay na si Athena. If you want to gain my love, continue to live your life as Helena. Strive to be the best. If not, strive to be perfect!" mahina pero matigas ang pagkakasabi ni Daddy ng mga katagang 'yon. Telling me that I was dead in front of my face literally sent shivers down my spine. "Papasok ka next week sa St. James Catholic School and you will continue Helena's legacy whether you like it or not," pagpapatuloy pa ni Daddy.

"But, Dad? For the umpteenth time, I will tell you that I'm not Helena!" I protested. "We're just the same in physical appearance but we will always be two different persons! Hindi ko kayang maging honor student and I don't want to be one. Please, Dad... just accept me for who and what I am. For once, pakinggan niyo naman po ako. I am also your daughter. I beg you, please..." I hugged his thighs while kneeling.

"Enough of this drama, Athena! This will be the last time that I will call you using your real name! My decision is final at hindi na 'yon mababali pa! You will continue Helena's life and you have no other option but to stick with it!" He angrily snapped at me as he took my hands off his thighs and left me inside the Mausoleum.

Napasalampak ako sa sahig pagkuwa'y muling hinawakan ang puntod ng kakambal ko, "Helena, I'm sorry. Kung hindi tayo nagpalit ng puwesto, ako sana 'yong nand'yan ngayon. Hindi magagalit si Daddy kasi ikaw sana 'yong buhay ngayon... ikaw sana ang kasama niya ngayon. Bakit kasi hindi na lang ako ang namatay tutal ay hindi naman ako kawalan sa kanya?" Sobra-sobra na ang paghagulgol ko. "I promise — hindi ko dudungisan ang pangalan mo, I will do anything for your kind legacy to continue. I love you more than I love myself, Helena... and that is why I will be doing this. I deserve to die and you deserve to live," pinupunasan ko ang luha ko nang pinuntahan ako ni Mang Carding.

"Ma'am Helena, pinapatawag na po kayo ni Sir Miguel. Uuwi na ho tayo," malumanay niyang sabi.

Tumango lamang ako sa kanya bago ko tiningnang muli ang puntod ni Helena. "Sige na, A-Athena... I'll go ahead. Daddy is waiting at alam mo naman na ayaw nang pinaghihintay 'yon, 'di ba? Babalik ako rito, promise ko 'yan sa'yo. Alagaan mo muna si Mommy sa heaven ha? I love you both!" Saka ako tumayo at lumabas ng Mosuleo.

Gano'n nga ang nangyari. I had no other choice but to continue living my life as Helena. Bully roon, bully rito ang inabot ko. If only I learned from the start how they were treating my twin sister, matagal ko na silang sinugod at pinaghahampas ang mga pesteng pagmumukha nila. I would even strangle their necks... hanggang mawalan din sila ng hininga! God knew how much I was trying to be calm despite of what they were throwing at me for the sake of Helena's name.

On the other hand, Dad never broke his promise as he really showed me the love and affection that I had been longing for, for fifteen years of my damned life. I studied so hard but inspite of that, I only achieved being third in the class. Like what I said before, I would never be Helena... at hindi ko siya kailanman mapapantayan.

I thought Dad would be mad at me but since he was seeing Helena rather than Athena, he made a plan — binayaran niya ang school's administration para ako ang palabasing top one. Nakakahiya man pero kailangan ko iyong panindigan upang maipagpatuloy ang lahat ng nasimulan ni Helena.

And now, pinag-transfer niya ulit ako ng school using all of Helena's credentials. Well, I didn't want to be friends with anyone from that school. And that Rivera who seemed to be following me around? He was so annoying and ignorant. Masyadong papansin! Well, unang tingin ko pa lang sa kanya, I knew right there that he was running for that so-called valedictorian title.

Kung ako, si Athena lang ang masusunod, ako pa ang magbibigay sa kanya ng award na'yon. Kanyang-kanya na, isaksak pa niya sa baga niya. But I was destined to live as Helena now and for the succeeding years of my life. I was sure as hell I didn't deserve that title, but I would do everything to get it using Helena's name, even if it means... getting it by crook!