Put A Fork In It (1) : Drunk

A/N: It is like this from now on guys, Extra Chapter means 5000 Votes. VOTE! VOTE! VOTE!

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Two large humanoid shades were walking beside the southern beach of Solstheim, they were both staggering and singing with strange tones.

"♫ Oh! There once was a fellow called Ragnar the red who came crawling from… from… ♫"

"He was riding, bro. He was riding!"

"Oh, yes yes! ♫ He was riding from… ♫ where did he come from again?"

"Don't know!... Where are we again?"

"Hmmm… not sure."

"Nevermind, keep singing."

"Wha! But I don't know where we are, I don't know where Ragnar came from, and... who is Ragnar?"

"... I don't know."

"Fine! Let's do it again, we are two adult men doing adult business in the middle of nowhere… no that sounds wrong. We are two adult men doing non-adult business… okay, I give up. You can sing." Wulfur started a sentence but he didn't know where it will lead him so he preferred to shut up.

"Finally! Give me the mic."

"I don't have that."

"Okay, I'll sing to this."

Jon took out the Skull of Corruption and aimed its head towards his mouth.

[A/N: WARNING! The following is inspired by 'Skyrim Misheard Lyrics', it will change the way you sing Skyrim's main song forever, play this https://youtu.be/cSBCaGRILJI?t=24 to understand what have I done and read the next part like Skyrim's song.]

"♫ Laaaaaaaa, Laaa, Laaaa, Laaaaaaaaaa, ♫

♫ Gotta pee, Gotta pee, we'll rock this party. ♫

♫ For the night, for the food, for we are not drunk. ♫

♫ Has Alina found out? We are not in our beds? ♫

♫ Not me! Or the peeps! Or the guards will cry! ♫

♫ *Musical rumbling* ♫

♫ USE A FOOORK! THANK THE LOOORD! WAS IT GOOOOD? OH MY GOD! ♫

♫ AND THE CHEESE OH! ABELLA! A BOOOOOB! ♫

♫ Was it Wulfur who stabbed my butt... with a fork? ♫

♫ Gotta pee, Gotta pee, we'll rock this party. ♫

♫ For the night, for the food, for we are not drunk. ♫

♫ Has Alina found out? We are not in our beds? ♫

♫ Not me! Or the peeps! Or the guards will cry! ♫

♫ PARTY! PARTY PARTY! ♫

♫ RUFF! ♫

♫ PARTY! PARTY PARTY! ♫

♫ RUFF! ♫"

*ClapClapClap*

"Amazing! I like it! You, my friend, are a… silver tongue." Wulfur said while staggering.

"Thank you, thank you, my lord… where are we going again?"

"Oh! To hunt that thing… strange thing… netch! Oh, right… it's a netch."

"Nope, you are wrong! It is a Bull Netch!"

"... Really?! What is the difference?"

"Eh! I'll tell you, Netches are flying jellyfish."

"Right!"

"Bull Netches are big flying jellyfish."

"... I see! How do we find them?"

Wulfur asked and Jon started to think.

"There." Jon pointed at a direction and lo and behold.

"That is a Bull Netch?" Wulfur asked.

*Growl*

"Don't offend it! See, it said 'of course, I am a bull netch'."

"Oh! Sorry!"

*Growl*

"It said it's okay."

"Good, what do we do now?"

"... I do nothing! You kill it."

"Wha! But it's a polite netch, it just forgave me!"

"You are the one who wanted to take the challenge, not me."

"Oh! I have to kill a polite netch now."

"Don't worry, come here, I'll tell you a secret about netches."

"What?"

*Ten Minutes Later.*

"DIE, FEMINIST! DIE!"

Wulfur went all out and started chasing after the Bull Netch with the Fork of Horripilation in his hand.

Jon sat on a mound of ash and started watching the strange fight. He was drinking and cheering for Wulfur.

"Yeah! Stab its butt, that thing, yeah! Put a fork in it! Give it a good beating."

Netches are creatures that resemble airborne large jellyfish with a hard shell on the top, floating through the air supported by internal sacks of magical gases. Although male Bull netch are larger than the females and possess the ability to defend against the aggressors, females usually keep a harem of several bulls and rule the herd during breeding seasons. Netches are often domesticated in Morrowind, mainly due to their hides making good quality leather, although the skin contains a toxin that renders the meat inedible.

Wulfur was fighting one of those Bull Netches fueled by the words Jon told him, he was on a holy endeavor to rid the words of the feminists. He was holding one of the netch's tentacles and stabbing its organs with the fork.

The fork was pretty much just a fork and the netch was a big animal so it seemed to be go to take a while.

Wulfur managed to climb on the netch and it started moving around wilding trying to rid itself from the furious and relentless aggressors until Wulfur managed to stab a vital point with the fork, finally then, the netch lost its power and fell on the ground.

"Jon! I did it. HAHA! I slew the feminist! Call me Wulfur the Feminist Slayer!"

In front of Wulfur, the Netch was on its shell upside down, Wulfur used the fork to open the netch's soft guts and put his arm in. The inside was like a jelly but Wulfur finally managed to grab something round and pulled it out. In his hand, he found an eyeball.

"Jon, I found it… Jon, where are you?"

Wulfur started looking around and couldn't spot Jon anywhere.

*Pat* *Pat* *Pat*

He then heard the sound of something hitting the ground beside his feet. He looked down there and saw an arm coming from under the netch's carcass.

"Oh, what are you doing down there?"

Wulfur pushed the netch aside and it rolled away down the mound. Jon was found lying on the ground where the netch was.

"Look, Jon. I found the eyeball."

Jon sat up as if he came from the dead with all the ash on him and looked at Wulfur's hand.

"Oh, the Eye of Ciirta. That's one thing."

He took it and started investigating.

"Wulf."

"Yes."

"They eye… it is looking at us."

"Oh! That's right. Is it watching us?"

"I don't know, but is scaring me."

"How did they get that eye out and kept it open in the first place?"

"... Good question! Maybe they took it while its owner was awake."

"Oh! Must have hurt."

"Let's put it away now."

Jon stored the Eye of Ciirta in his ring and stood up.

"How to find the next Netch then?" Wulfur asked.

"We call for it."

"You know the Netch's name?"

"... No!"

Jon and Wulfur paused to think for a while.

"Found it!" Jon came up with an idea.

"I will say Marco, and when the netch hears us, it will say Polo."

"... Why would the netch say that?"

"Because we are looking for it. If someone is calling you Marco you should say Polo, it's a common sense, bro."

Wulfur didn't seem to understand Jon's flawless logic.

"Have it your way."

"Fine… Marco!"

And nothing replied. Wulfur looked at Jon expecting a new idea.

"Marco!"

*Rumble* *Rumble*

""Oh!""

Jon and Wulfur looked at each other with two idiotic smiles.

"Call for it with me."

"Fine… Marco!"

"Marco!"

*Rumble* *Rumble*

"You hear that?"

"Yes, it is working… but it is not exactly saying 'Polo'."

"Don't mind it now, we found that slimy bastard. Where does its voice come from again?"

"That way, I guess."

Jon pointed to the south towards the sea.

"Will we swim?"

*Rumble*

"No, it is getting louder, call for it again."

"Marco!"

"Marco!"

"MarCooooo!"

*RUMBLE*

All of a sudden, The southern sky above the Red Mountain was dyed in red with a thick pillar of smoke rising into the sky, a thundering rumble was heard and the wind started changing its direction.

The Red Mountain was erupting once again. It was not something strange as it always does one time every one or two months.

Jon and Wulfur saw a small volcanic eruption for the first time of their lives and fell to their knees speechless.

""THE LORD HAS SPOKEN!""

They both shouted at the same time and spread their hands up then starting bowing and rising towards the Red Mountain.

"All hail the lord."

"All hail! All hail!"

In their state of drunkenness, Jon and Wulfur failed to notice the changes around them. Following each eruption from the red mountain, a strong Ash Storm is always expected.

The wind started to howl in the night and the ash started rising and moving by it. Jon and Wulfur finally sensed the danger but they were too far away from Raven Rock and in this state of drunkenness, Jon can't use magic very well.

"I think netch is not that way." Wulfur said.

"Yeah, let's go the other direction."

"Hey, wasn't that a sign from the lord? Didn't he just speak?"

"Nope, he was clearly farting."

Jon and Wulfur turned around aware of the approaching ash storm. They were clearly legless and staggering all around the place but they tried to reach behind a large boulder.

As they reached the boulder and shielded themselves with it, they discovered that the ash storm was harder to deal with than expected.

The weather got worse by the minute and the two drunken boys started feeling the impact of the weather. It was truly the worst time for anyone to get as drunk as they are.

To make things worse, the volcanic gases seemed to have started reacting with the clouds in the sky, lightning shone and thunder followed announcing the start of a real storm.

"Oh, Jon. I guess we should go back."

"Go back? Are you crazy? There is no going back in the book of Dare. Jon Dare never goes back."

"It started raining!"

"Raining? Oh, maaaan. That's acid raining, we should go back."

"Didn't you just say there is no going back?"

"Acid rain will harm my beautiful skin, it is the only thing Jon Dare cares for. He is the most handsome man in the multiverse."

"Then do something."

"Don't worry, I got us covered."

"Take us into the Cube?"

"Cube? Are you crazy? Jon Dare never goes b…"

"Yeah yeah, just do what you have to do."

"Watch and learn, bro. Watch and learn."

Jon walked out of the cover of the boulder and faced the storm directly, if not for his large body, he would have got blown away.

"Here I go. LOK VAH KOOR!"

In an ancient and strong voice, the Thu'um of Jon Dare echoed far and wide through the storm, the voice was heard across the southern region of Solstheim loud and clear.

With this mighty shout, the air started to slow down, the clouds started to dissipate. The ash in the air all came to a halt and receded back to the grounds.

In a few seconds, the sky was as normal as it was before the storm but the land was messed up. The previous features of the land were clearly not the same as it was.

One more missing thing was Jon.

Wulfur looked around and couldn't see any trace of Jon.

"Jon, where are you?... Where did he… oh, I can do that... Marco!"

Wulfur started going around and shouting.

"Marco!"

"Marco!"

"Polo!" *muffled voice*

To that reply, Wulfur turned around and saw a strange tree… to him, it looked like a tree but these were Jon's legs sticking out from the ground. After a few seconds of analyzing the situation, Wulfur gained enlightenment and understood that these were Jon's legs.

"I am coming for you, hold on, bro!"

Wulfur said and held Jon's legs then pulled him out of the ash mound.

"Cough Cough! That was so dark down there."

"How did you get down there like that?"

"I was hit by a flying tree trunk. Thanks, bro."

Wulfur stood up and offered his hand for Jon but Jon didn't respond. He kept pausing for a second and made an overwhelmed face.

He then looked at Wulfur with a wide smile.

"That's it! I have discovered it."

"... Discovered what?"

"A way to solve a worldwide problem, how could the world be so blind? When I was in the ground just now, I tried to dig myself out but I only went down… you see it now?"

"... Oh! So that's why you were in the ground in the first place!"

"That's not the point, imagine now if people buried all the dead upside down. It means that the Undead can never come back up again, they will only keep digging down."

"OH! That's genius, bro."

"We are GENIUSES!"

"WE ARE SMART!"

"YEAH! Now let's go kill that damn netch!"