Interlude - Uncertain Inebriation Record (4)

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Thunder crashed in a dark cloudless sky. Lightning flashed, but no light could be seen.

In a dark and cold cellar, lit only by a single lamp, a certain fairy was hanging upside down on an X-shaped crossbar. Her skirt was tied up around her knees, ensuring there were no salacious sights. Her arms hung free, but just that little bit away from her fingers touching the ground.

The room itself wasn't perfectly level but slightly tilted to one side. Leene dangled at a slight angle with the floor.

A harsh bright light from the lamp on a table was directed onto her face, hiding her interrogators in the shadows behind the glare. The lamp itself was merely a mirrored half bowl, directing simple light magic with meager warmth.

"I enjoy this sort of thing, you know." Leene said with a dull stare. "It is a novice that only knows how to give, never to receive."

"Why even are you like this?" Playa groaned and palmed his face. "What makes you think acting like this is in any way attractive to us?"

"If you were a delicious young boy I would certainly act like a cool, approachable older sister type that you can rely upon. Once you are comfortable I would gently lead you to new experiences, new worlds!" Leen replied evenly. "But since I know you are disreputable people like myself, is it not better if we acted with honesty and full appreciation like consenting adults?"

/"We-! We are nothing like you!"/ Monika retorted hotly.

"We *are* terrible people though."

/"We aren't terrible in the way that leads to the FBI knocking with their partyvan though."/

"Would you prefer if I acted like this?" Leene leered. Then she began to pout and get teary-eyed and whined in a small voice "Why are you so mean to meeee?"

"Nope." /"Don't you dare."/

"Mister, Mister, listen to me! They carried me away and touched me in bad places! Wuwuwuwuwuwu~…!" Leene began to cry.

Monika began to crack her knuckles. Sure, her holographic body couldn't exactly touch anything, but she had Boom Tubes she could open at the end of her fists, and somewhere there were a set of stone and metal pillars, with varying degrees of padding put on top.

"Stop." Playa's hand briefly showed in the light. "Monika, as much as I'm more than halfway tempted to let you have all your fun, we do have reasons for this interrogation."

Leene scoffed. "Youngsters, do you expect me to talk that easily? I know this whole 'good knight and bad knight routine'."

Playa brought an orange teddy bear out into the light. Paula perked up on seeing its creator and wiggled out to try and reach her. But of course, being held up in the air, it couldn't do so. It looked back into the shadows, then at the hands around its belly, and seemed to look conflicted if it could try to fight its way out.

It experimentally tried to bop the fingers with its soft fingerless paws. Then it shrugged at Leene and relaxed in his grip.

"Do you expect to force my compliance with Paula?" Leene asked archly. Then her tone changed into a frantic pitch. "Then you have guessed correctly! Paula is my pride and joy and my greatest work, do not hurt her!"

Playa put the bear down on the table. "Stay."

Paula stood with arms out to either side, seemingly conflicted if it should make a break for it.

"Do you want to rescue your master?"

Paula nodded again.

"Her well being depends on your cooperation. Don't make any trouble and this can be over soon with no one getting hurt."

Paula nodded again and saluted, Roman style. It sat down obediently.

"Bear even passes the Turing Test. Dammit."

/"The bear can't make vocal responses however. How should that factor?"/

"R2-D2 can't make vocal responses either but we know he could pass the Test. This bear beats Cortana, Siri and Alexa easily."

"What is this Turing you constantly speak of anyway? And those other names you mentioned?" asked Leene.

"Alan Turing was a great mathematician, code breaker, and pioneer of computing. He posited that a machine could be considered intelligent if a human interrogator could not tell its responses apart in conversation from a human being. This is the Turing Test. He even suggested that rather than build a machine that could simulate an adult mind, it was better to produce a simpler one that could simulate a child's mind and give it education. He is known as the father of Artificial intelligence.

"The other names are either fictional examples or attempts at human responsive intelligence. So far none have ever passed the Turing Test."

"Fascinating. I would like to meet such a man."

"Unfortunately he was harassed to suicide, a genius dead simply because of a thing like homosexuality, in a shameful time in our civilization's history."

"I see. How regrettable. Your lives are short enough. It always saddens me to see it being wasted in making others feel terrible about themselves."

Then her smile widened. "You know… male or female, it doesn't really matter to me."

/"We are much more interested in your bear than you."/

"That is fine too."

Playa exhaled deeply and groaned. He then turned to ask "Paula, what is two plus two?"

The bear quirked its head to the side, and went down to it knees. It tapped the surface four times.

"Paula, what is six thousand three hundred thirty five multiplied by six thousand three hundred thirty five?"

The bear looked up sharply, then back to the surface of the table. Then it began to waggle its right paw out angrily, as if to say 'Give me a writing instrument so I can calculate 6335 x 6335, dammit'.

Leene said "Not many people can do long multiplication in their head, you know. Even Paula has to go through the motions to write that out."

"Isn't Paula able to keep things in volatile memory?" Playa asked.

"But then how would we check if the answer is correct?"

/"Very good. I suppose utilizing output as a form of memory storage is a valid way of carrying out a mathematical function. It would be slower than computation, but it's much more life-like, isn't it?"/

"That's half the reason, I admit. I could have changed that once the [Program] was complete, but it felt better this way."

Playa hummed. "Mmm. You know… now that we know that [Program] can be laid onto objects, I'm wondering… why not keep a set of defensive and offensive programs running all the time?"

Monika smiled impishly down at Leene. /"Have you ever heard of the term… Dynamic Link Libraries?"/

Leene blinked. "A what?"

And then Monika began to explain. Dynamic link libraries, or DLLs, were a collection of small programs and functions that can be loaded by other programs and applications as needed. DLL files are dynamically linked to these programs instead of compiled into one executable. The benefit of using DLLs is that only a small section needs to be loaded into memory as required – for example, a word processing program needs only to load the printer dll when it needs to print.

DLLs can also be updated without affecting other programs. Hence, most device drivers used to control hardware are in the form of .dlls. DLLs help operating systems and programs run faster, use more memory efficiently, and take up less disk space.

/"It would be best to have these libraries close by, in something that has plenty of internal volume for inscription."/

"Something that looks harmless and unimportant. Something that no enemy combatant would deliberately target. Something… that you treat as nothing but a mere toy, instead of a weapon that others might think good to steal."

/"After all, there is no rule that says programs have to be inscribed on hard media, isn't that right? In fact, floppy fabrics and tape would be easier to replace and stitch together changes."/

The bear began to look visibly nervous.

"I would just like you to know that of course Paula has anti-copying measures. Taking her away and opening her up would be like killing the goose that lays the golden eggs. Whether she has a self-destruct system, I will not say," Leene muttered dryly.

The bear raised its paws in despair, as if asking 'Why have you betrayed me, oh pitiless heavens?'

Playa and Monika only laughed.

"No wonder you call Paula your masterwork. You may be annoying, but we respect your accomplishment. Not many people understand programming, so they don't realize just how massive is your achievement. But we do."

/"Not as Leene of the fairies, not as Leene using magic power, but as Leene – founder of [Scripting]."/

Playa and Monika stepped out into the light and gave the upside-down tied-up fairy deep respectful bows. They put their palms over fist like in the old kungfu movies.

"Does this mean you accept becoming my students?"

/"No to the no no to the noth power. No."/

Playa shrugged. "She figured out programming language from first principles. From nothing. She's seriously impressive."

"Yes, praise me more. Praise meee."

Playa sighed and nursed his forehead. "It's like if Ada Lovelace, world's first computer programmer, was just super annoying."

"Hey. Hey, listen!" said the fairy. "From what I have been hearing, you have assimilated my [Program] already, haven't you? Do you not think I deserve a little compensation?"

"I guess… maybe."

/"Player, I object to this."/

"Matriarch Leene, we can't become your students. I am a leader of my own faction, and there's risk of war with Regulus. I can't just stay around to study – my teacher will have to be the battlefield."

"Then take me with you! You are the most interesting thing I have seen in this past century."

Playa winced.

/"And so what? We are the most interesting thing wherever we go. Why must we take responsibility for relieving your immortal ennui? You speak as if that's anything we haven't seen before. You are leader of your own faction, go do your job!"/

Leene's expression firmed. She spoke in a much more mature tone of voice "I am Matriarch of the Fairy Tribe, yes. But I have also spent hundreds of years in delegating most of the work of this position. I can leave at any time. Is this knowledge not of value?"

"Shite, she's right." Skivving off knowledge was seriously tempting.

/"Player, I would much more happily accept Charlotte, even if your virtue is severely at risk each time you meet, rather than this degenerate old woman."/

Unfortunately Belfast's court magician was actually serious at her job. She was a serious and respectable person… if viewed from afar, at least. Belfast could not afford for her to go gallivanting about on adventures.

"Why is it always Charlotte? Those are just useless bags of meeeeat!" Leene wailed. "Useless meeeat! I'll have you know I'm pretty… tight. Yes. Tight. That's what the young kids say these days, right? I'm totally hip."

/"Shut it, you!"/

"You have already taken so much from me and then you abuse me. This isn't fair. Wuwuwuwu~"

/"What, did we leave it so you can't use [Program] anymore? This isn't stealing. It's piracy! Piracy!"/

"You have plundered my booty, will you just leave me raw and shivering? Oh, I am so unfortunate…! Wuwuwuwu~"

/"Player. Please. Just one punch to the face. One punch to the teeth. That's all I ask. I deeply sympathize with Elze now. She has a lot of patience. Looks like she actually does like you a whole lot."/

"Elze is mah bestie."

/"I would feel upset as your wifey can also be your bestie, but then again sometimes you also do severely need a punch to the teeth and I can't quite give that to you."/

"Mah dental magic is best in the world!"

/"Mmm. I wish to inspect that… more closely." She ran her tongue over her own teeth.

"Ugh. Stop. This affection is sickening. My voyeurism has its bottom line too...!" Leene growled.

Monika paused and rubbed her chin in contemplation. Was this just reverse psychology or was it actually an effective means of torture?

/"Player, this decision I leave entirely to you."/

"Would you believe me if I say, War is Boring?" Leene said in a serious tone again. "I have seen so many. Even the war against Regulus twenty years ago was nothing more than another turn on an endless wheel. You mortals spend your lives too easily. It keeps repeating, staining the soil red again and again for petty and transient reasons. Your nobles make war to gain glory for themselves, never considering how most of it must be paid by their commoners. Do you also seek to gain your fortune in war?"

Playa shook his head. "We would rather not have war, thank you very much. That's why we're here to potentially create an alliance with Mismede, to deter war with a united front – and if it does happen, that it can be over with quickly."

"I can only do so much as Matriarch. My voice is compelling within Mismede, my power is essential to the war effort. But if you wish to avoid war, then I can do much more outside of the constraints of my position."

/"Yes, that is also the reason why Player has been refusing to accept titles of nobility and fealty."/

"I don't just have ONE Null ability," Leene said suddenly. Sharply. Even upside down, her bearing became noble and proud. This was her bottom line, after this she would no longer negotiate from a position of humility. "I am a being with five elemental affinities and three Null abilities. My second ability is [Protection]. Which protects inanimate objects from physical degradation and extends its lifespan. Paula herself is two hundred years old because of this."

The bear on the table looked up and tried to look young and innocent, falling flat on its back and waving its limbs about like a baby.

Monika winced.

Playa breathed "Shite, that IS useful. That and her [Program]… are super useful."

Monika looked pained. /"Player… again, I leave this decision entirely up to you."/

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