Mounting Pressure (2)

"You're really determined to get killed out there, aren't you?" Jezabel cuts in with a grin.

"I just want to help."

"You'll die."

"I- There has to be something I can do?" I plead.

"What's concerning is that you're willing to die in a fruitless attempt to help these creatures that you only met a few months ago. Why go so far? What is it that you're after?" Jezabel smacks me in the face with this line of questioning. I immediately feel the urge to shout out my frustration setting off alarm bells in my head.

[Why am I getting upset? What am I getting so worked up for? She already said there was nothing I could do, so all there is to do now is pass the time. If a situation develops where in I can be useful, I'm sure she'll let me know.]

I take a few deep breaths and drain the fierce anxiety clouding my mind. My shoulders drop to a more relaxed position.

[I need to trust the people around me.]

"You're right. I'm getting too worked up. I want to help with the war effort, but panicking won't get me anywhere. I'm sure you'll let me know if anything comes up." I turn to leave with my new placard in hand. Now that I have access to more guild facilities, I should look around while I have some free time today.

"Woah there, hold your horses. You can't just freak out and then leave like nothing happened," Jezabel says as she crosses her arms.

"Sorry, is there anything else you need from me?"

"Excuse me, what?"

"I'm-" I look around as I lose track of the conversation. Why would she be getting upset by my behavior? The faces of the other people in the room look just as confused as mine. "I'm sorry, am I missing something? What's happening?"

"What do you mean, 'What's happening?' Who even are you? How can you just stop caring about the fairies like that?" Jezabel frowns. I blink back my annoyance at her accusation. First, she calms me down; now she gets upset at me for calming down? The whole situation is ridiculous.

"I'm going to assume there's some kind of miscommunication because you know exactly how much this means to me," I respond. I don't try to hide the anger brewing just below my calm veneer.

"Let me get this straight; I'm supposed to believe that you just changed your mind that quick?"

"What do you mean? You were right. There's nothing I can do right now, so I should just calmly stand by. If anything comes up, I know you'll contact me as soon as possible. I trust you."

"So now it's on my shoulders, huh?"

"I mean, it's not on mine. All I can do is be available."

"Fascinating. You calmed down because you realized you weren't responsible for anything that happened today. As long as you do what you're told, no one can blame you even if all the fairies are killed." My heart aches at her words, but she isn't wrong.

"I mean, pretty much."

"I thought you'd do anything to save the fairies?"

"That was never the case. I've said from the beginning that I don't want others to get hurt by involving themselves with the fairies. There's no reason to beat myself up over my helplessness here when I've already done everything possible. I'm only human."

"You're pathetic." Jezabel sneers.

"What would you do if you were me?"

"I'd run out there and win the war myself if the fairies meant that much to me."

"I don't know if I could do that, even if I was as strong as you. I've never taken the life of another person."

"Then you're weak."

"I know." There are a lot of subtexts here, but now's not the time to sort through them. I try to think of more to add, but this conversation doesn't seem fruitful, so I remain silent.

Jezabel stares at me for a moment before turning around.

"I don't get you."

"That's understandable."

"What if I told you there was a way to help the fairies?"

"I'm all ears."

"It's very dangerous."

"I'm sure."

"You may be killed."

"Are you fucking with me, or is there actually something I can do?"

"Ha, if you kill a Mankas and agro the colony to the Duke's army, they'll likely try to kill everyone in the area." Jezabel looks back at me with a smirk.

"That's a good idea. I'm assuming you know how to find one?"

"You're going to do it?" she asks as her eyes light up with fire.

"Of course. Well, I'm going to try."

"And here you said you weren't sure if you could kill the Duke and his army, but you're willing to trap them without a second thought."

"I think this is called the 'trolley problem?'"

"Don't give me your rationalizations. You're going to kill them."

"I understand that."

"I don't think you do." Jezabel glares at me menacingly. There are many ways to interpret what she said; whether I have the mental fortitude, whether I could survive the guilt, whether I'll back out at the last moment when it hits me. The answer to all these questions is simple.

"There's only one way to find out." I smile.

"Haha! That's what I like to see!" Jezabel jumps across her desk and towers over me. "War is no place for children. You need to drop that indecisive bullshit before it gets you killed. You better know the answer to that question before you enter the forest."

"Then I'll have plenty of time to think about it." She looks me up and down as if to appraise me.

"Very well, here's what you're going to do."