As an Author and also a Reader of Adui's works, I'll leave my honest review here about what I think of the story so far.
To be honest, it feels kind of dull and soulless, like the characters are puppets in a puppet show, the setting also feels kind of dry, and you've failed at making an atmosphere that is believable. Adui I think you should stop thinking about your infinite mana story while writing new stories, you have to start from zero and build something from zero, this clearly feels like it's very inspired by that world, or perhaps it even takes place in it. Even the dialogue of the main character is strange, why does he talks like that? Its as if he knows he's the main character of a novel, which only makes the entire setting more ironic and strange. The ideas are good I think, but the execution is rather poor for the first chapter. Like this you won't be able to attract that many new readers, and only those from Infinite Mana will show up.
I think this story has some potential but it needs more "life" and "soul" to it, do you get it? The beginning of Infinite Mana had all of that, the main character was grounded, an underdog, and it felt like that because his thoughts were relatable and those of a normal person until he started getting more powerful.
I think you need to start from there and then go up, develop the characters personalities, emotions, dreams, hopes, and what they want to achieve.
This story, quite honestly, feels more like a concept where a story was written around it, rather than a proper story that showcases a concept.
