David_Neilsen

This is an engaging tale of one young woman's experiences. The character is a bit one-dimentional, and the writing needs work, but there is an interesting story in here.

This story does a good job with defining the characters and getting us inside their heads so that we know who they are and what they want. The writing could use some work, just basic stuff like tense and grammar, but that comes with time. In all, an interesting story.

You set up the character of Bryan very well, and that of June, as well. We get a good sense as to who they are and even what sort of a relationship they have to one another. I agree that you don't need quite so much detail in the chapter, it's a bit much. Your writing needs work, as well. In addition to a lot of back and forth on tenses, you have awkward word useage from time to time, things that just don't sound correct. I suggest you read this outloud to yourself. You will catch nall sorts of things that you would otherwise miss.

Singing a happy tune that he watched? Perhaps he was singing a happy tune from an old TV show he used to watch? You can't really watch a song. :)

As this is written, I am assuming that Bryan can hear this conversation. I think you mean this is a different scene and not something that Bryan overhears. If so, you need to be sure to set us in a new location.

This sort of works, however (different from the preceeding note) becuase you are telling us what she thinks of him, so she sees him physically. When you described her, you were the narrator, and that's why it felt off.

This description totally demeans the character. Can you describe her without resorting to thinking about her sexually? No woman that I know would ever describe themselves as having a great chest and a plump bosom.

Be careful with your tenses. This started out in past tense, but this paragraph is present tense. Try to stick to one or the other.

This is a well-thought-out world that holds a lot of promise. The writing could stand to be tightened up, as there are tense issues and other grammer issues. But the story is there and it will be interesting to see where it leads.

You have a lot of tense issues that you need to fix. You run from past to present and back and it throws the reader. Your world is well-imagined, but your characters could stand to be a bit more defined. WHo are these people? What does the boy want? Also, the first half of this paragraph is prologue/expository. Setting up the world. Maybe think about including a break before you get to the actual action of the story to let us know that we're now following the character.