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JA_Chrysant

JA_Chrysant

Lv2

A hobbyist, a gamer (mobile, console, pc just bring it on baby), otaku, weabo, and vtuber simp.

2020-10-20 JointIndonesia
-d

Écriture

1.3h

de la lecture

56

Lire des livres

Badges

5

Moments

372
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Répondu à Yasmina_Iro

    Ah, I see. Now that makes some sense!

    Ch 1 Drowning
    altalt
    The Fallen Rise
    Fantaisie · Yasmina_Iro
    detail
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Commenté

    Wow, this sentence is too long. Please make it there sentences or more, it's easy to read that way

    Ce paragraphe a été supprimé.
    altalt
    Save the Last Bullet for me
    Romance · MOSS3000
    detail
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Posté

    I like how the writer could tell a scene vividly and how natural the dialogue are. But what bothers me a lot is the logic. I mean... The MC murdered her boyfriend and... Well, it might be just a differ sense of taste haha

    altalt
    The Fallen Rise
    Fantaisie · Yasmina_Iro
    detail
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Commenté

    The writing is good, but the logic really bothers me haha.

    Ch 2 Late
    altalt
    The Fallen Rise
    Fantaisie · Yasmina_Iro
    detail
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Commenté

    Wait... The MC murdered her boyfriend, right... Then, why it was shrugged off like nothing?

    Ch 1 Drowning
    altalt
    The Fallen Rise
    Fantaisie · Yasmina_Iro
    detail
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Commenté

    Oh no, the MC is too strong emotionally. I think it might not be my cup of tea...

    Ch 1 Deadly desires
    altalt
    TILL I DIE IVY
    Urbain · Jovialjune
    detail
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Commenté

    Wow so long, please make it two or three sentences, it helps the reader

    I slowly adjusted myself, as I frighteningly sat down with my heart racing, still trying to catch my breath, before my guarded eyes quickly drifted away, fixing it gaze on a dark silhouette that stood towards the entrance of the room..
    altalt
    TILL I DIE IVY
    Urbain · Jovialjune
    detail
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Posté

    Very nice, I like the story progression. though through the first 5 chapters, I haven't seen a correlation between the prologue and the rest chapters. The writing is nice, but it might be better if you avoid brandishing the paragraph with long sentences and keep some straightforward.

    altalt
    Hydrax Legacy
    Romance · SYED_ASAD
    detail
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Commenté

    Wait, whaaaatt? I find it hard to believe the logic here. They were hostile but then begged Raizel help? Why?

    Ch 4 WHERE IT HURTS THE MOST
    altalt
    Hydrax Legacy
    Romance · SYED_ASAD
    detail
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Commenté

    Typo, do not use ' for a dialogue, but "

    'You'll make a good test subject. Once we hand you over and get back to retrieve the coffin… we might just be free from this accursed job', Rubia hugged Ming Yue in joy.
    altalt
    Hydrax Legacy
    Romance · SYED_ASAD
    detail
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Commenté

    What a mood swing haha

    Rubia's temper flared and she snapped back, "Shut it!" as she lunged at Raizel.
    altalt
    Hydrax Legacy
    Romance · SYED_ASAD
    detail
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Commenté

    The content is great but I think you used too much flowery phrases to describe things. There's many paragraph you could straightforwardly describe or tell with simple words.

    Ch 3 EDGE OF DESPERATION
    altalt
    Hydrax Legacy
    Romance · SYED_ASAD
    detail
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Commenté

    Ups, you're using too much as if. Maybe use another phrase? Or simplify the paragraph?

    As if in response to the growing chaos, a bolt of lightning struck the coffin with a deafening crack, illuminating the room with an intense, blinding light. The coffin rose slowly into the air, spinning wildly as if it were trying to break free from its confines.
    altalt
    Hydrax Legacy
    Romance · SYED_ASAD
    detail
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Commenté

    No one died yet?

    Ch 2 A MAJESTIC TRANSITION
    altalt
    Hydrax Legacy
    Romance · SYED_ASAD
    detail
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Commenté

    Oh no death flag fufufu

    Looking up at the starry night sky, 95 mused, "Starting a family would be the first thing on my list. I've always longed to experience the joys of being a husband and a father. And rest assured, I'll be the best dad there ever was. Unlike you, 23, who always wears a perpetual scowl on his face."
    altalt
    Hydrax Legacy
    Romance · SYED_ASAD
    detail
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Commenté

    Wow, that's a nice world building you got there. Hey, would it be better if the organization objective remained a mystery?

    Ch 1 PEACE AND REVOLT
    altalt
    Hydrax Legacy
    Romance · SYED_ASAD
    detail
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Commenté

    Soldiered on? Wow, that's an uncommon word, still you can use it, but there is a better choice like pressed on or continued on etc

    Ce paragraphe a été supprimé.
    altalt
    Hydrax Legacy
    Romance · SYED_ASAD
    detail
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Répondu à Elementary519

    oh no, broke up the paragraph or shorten it 😊

    Ce paragraphe a été supprimé.
    altalt
    Presley
    Oriental · Elementary519
    detail
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Répondu à PEARL_WANG

    Yess, I finally understand as I read the next chapter.

    Ce paragraphe a été supprimé.
    altalt
    Poison Master: The Estranged Heiress
    Fantaisie · PEARL_WANG
    detail
  • JA_Chrysant
    JA_Chrysant11mth
    Répondu à PEARL_WANG

    Well, unless she said something long, I think you don't have to separate her sentence in a dialogue. (The main reason is... it's a waste of space if you plan to print it hahaha)

    Ce paragraphe a été supprimé.
    altalt
    Poison Master: The Estranged Heiress
    Fantaisie · PEARL_WANG
    detail