I just want to help...

I just don't remember… I don't remember when these damn nightmares started, before that, day-to-day was as simple as any other, of course leaving aside my work.

Every morning was the same routine for years, waking up from the few hours I managed to sleep, looking at nothing for a few seconds, and then... Remembering the nightmares of that night... They were, so to speak, unique, but they all shared something in common… They all have the goal of driving me crazy.

I still remember the first few times, just feeling the sensation that everything was real, made me want to vomit despite not having anything in my stomach. Each one of them shows me things that would be the last thing I want to see in this life and they seemed to know how to touch the sensitive parts of me to do it.

However, something never disappeared in those "dreams", and that was her, the figure of that strange little girl who seemed like she would break at any moment, every dream was the same, I tried to go after her, help her, know who she was, but it always ended the same… I could only watch how she was destroyed in front of me.

In any way that my head rope could understand, that figure was torn to pieces, deformed, desecrated, and reduced to a simple object that had lost all its previous beauty, turning into a feeling of horror and helplessness for me that was impossible to eliminate.

…

And it was the same, every day for a long time. After I was done with what I considered to be the disgusting life I was currently leading. Nothing was amazing to mention about me, I was born in a normal family, I went to school like most, I finished my degree and I even did a specialty to finally get a job where I was good… But what many might consider strange about me, it was precisely my job.

In short, I work in a psychiatric institute, after I specialized in psychiatry, I was offered the job as a doctor in the institute and I did not hesitate for a second to accept. Although I do not consider it strange, I know that other people do, since I was a child, I had been very interested in the human mind, since I watched the typical superhero programs on television and I was especially a fan of heroes with mental powers, it was a bad start to be interested in what I do now, but fate wanted it that way.

Anyway, just as I entered middle school I got caught up in the long and boring books that talked about the human mind and how it worked, from psychology and physiology, even to books that help you awaken your psychic powers. In general… Maybe if I was a strange boy. The point is that through all that it was obvious that I would discover mental illnesses, all that world made me ask myself, how could they exist? For me they were something wonderful, not in a bad way, but rather I was too interested in how they were or what they caused, but the main reason for my interest was to know if there was a way to cure them.

Time passed, and I had finished my degree in medicine and I had never forgotten that goal in my mind, so without thinking twice, I took the specialization in psychiatry. Every book I read, and every experience I went through during my internship made me realize something, you don't know the reality until it hits you in the face. Despite all my knowledge, all my desire to help, and my motivation... I myself came to think that nothing was real, each case I saw made me see everything differently and I remembered what they asked each time I said what they asked me. wanted to dedicate

"So, you'll be working with crazy people?"

Every time I heard that question, I got in a bad mood and made useless efforts to explain to him that crazy people did not exist, that it was a disease like any other they had their problems and I would take care of helping them in the best way with the hope that they would lead as normal a life as possible… But right now, having reached the present, I can say so myself… In some cases, the patients were really crazy...

…

I arrived at the entrance of the institute with a simple wave to the receptionist to next see what I had to do today and, as if the world already knew, my partner arrived after her night shift.

"Wow, looks like you fell on your face this morning"

I just gave her a wry smile letting her know I wasn't in the mood; I just raised my hand in front of her and she knew what I wanted.

"No good morning?... Well, I think you're not particularly in tune today, anyway... Today a new case arrived, here's the file"

I picked it up and saw that room 201 was written on it, I was about to leave to take care of everything, but I felt it was too rude of me to leave without saying anything.

"How was the night?"

From what I could see, my question took her a bit by surprise.

"Well... Aside from the screaming at night and that the patient in room 313 trying to gouge his eyes out with a spoon, she'll say everything is normal."

I nodded, after these years, it could be considered a good night. After that I wasted no time and took the elevator, the cold of the air conditioning made me feel a slight chill and the smell of air fresheners was somewhat annoying for me, but that did not prevent my gaze from focusing on the document that was in my hands.

"Schizophrenia..."

It was not something new for me, it was not the first time that I saw one of these cases, each one was special, I never knew what I would really find and sometimes it was interesting, although the times that things got out of control, they were not pretty at sight, but in this case, what caught my attention was not the disease, but the patient herself.

The elevator stopped and, in a moment, I was in front of the door, I opened it slowly and I could see with whom I would share my time for a long time, but... When I saw her, I froze. She was a girl, she looked no more than 16 years old, she had long brown hair, and the smile on her face made me feel horrified.

It was her, the girl who has been in my nightmares all this time, every shape, every feature she had was hers, she just standing there, I felt like running away, I thought I never really woke up and was still in a fucki** nightmare, but it was all too real, even what I had just heard.

"Dad!"

I couldn't react, I just felt small arms wrap around me as my mind was spinning out of control. I started to break out in a cold sweat as an upset stomach seemed to stab my abdomen, I was even about to punch that girl in front of me just to get some air for myself, but, like a miracle, everything stopped, those strange thoughts left as I began to accept that I wasn't dreaming, little by little I calmed down to stop fooling around and adopt the attitude I had when it came to working.

Only because of the "Dad" that I heard come out of the girl's mouth, did I know that it was something to take into account, in these cases I should not try to clarify anything before having a better view of everything and I could only introduce myself while ignoring that figure that was trying to torment me at that time, but that girl's voice came out again.

"Oh, sorry, I heard mom say that dad would be here soon and I didn't pay much attention, hehe."

That was enough to identify that what the file said was correct and remind me of what I had read. This girl's parents had died years ago in an accident, that experience was so strong that she herself could not accept it, resulting in her mind still believing that her parents were still with her, but what caught my attention the most, is that, according to the investigations, her parents were what you could say the garbage within the garbage. Blows, wounds, abuse, mistreatment... That was her day-to-day, in addition to the fact that it was found that she was drugged against her will, taking her to a state where no normal human could survive, that made me wonder, why of all things, she still believes that her parents are still alive?

Without any relatives and with the state she was in, she passed into the hands of the government and admitted to various institutions after diagnosing her illness, but even so... It was a miracle to see that she looked "healthy" at a glance.

I just thought that life can sometimes be a real shi*, but, even so, I couldn't get out of my head the similarity that she had with the figure of my dreams.

I introduced myself to her the same way I would any of the patients, told her who I was, asking her if she was aware of why she was there. She answered vaguely saying that she had a strange disease and that the others were only exaggerating, that was a good reason to know that her situation was not too serious.

After that, I talked a little more with her explaining several points that she had to take into account so that nothing bad would happen, but although I know everything that her condition entails, even so, it was somewhat disconcerting to see how suddenly she would turn to the side and start a conversation with something that wasn't really there as incomprehensible words came out of her mouth.

Time passed as if nothing, besides the new patient I had today, I also took care of others until the end of my shift came and I went home with the idea of ​​what I would do to endure the nightmares of that night, but... It was all otherwise. That time I didn't have the same dream that I call a nightmare, no, on that occasion it was something… Pleasant.

For the first time, I was able to get to her and see her closely, she really was the same girl who became my patient that day, with that small body, that brown hair below her shoulders, and the same expression that I needed to be there for her, that time nothing happened, I could touch her, feel her, her slight scent reached my nostrils while the warmth of her body was transmitted to me. It was different from everything I had experienced, nothing bad happened, I didn't feel that horror and helplessness before, but before I could enjoy everything, the light that entered the room made me wake up.

I couldn't believe it, I had finally slept all night, I even pinched myself to check, but that made me accept everything, I wasn't in a dream, it was real... I arrived at the institute with a smile on my face, even my partner noticed and she brought out her typical jokes, but that was not in my mind, I just wanted to see someone and, although there was no reason, I felt that I wanted to thank her for everything.

The days little by little became weeks, and my interaction with that girl became more common, making her herself feel confident towards me, of course, the situations regarding her illness did not stop, but they were not so common, there were even occasions that where she hurt herself, but they hadn't happened again. All my time with her made me feel very good about myself, not only because I saw how it really helped her to cope with everything, but also because thanks to her those nightmares had not returned, those dreams had become something magical for me, every day I saw her in my mind and I could hug her without fear that something bad would happen, all this caused a dependency on seeing her every day and a terror that one day I would lose her began to appear in my head that little by little it grew without that I realized...

…

Today was no different, I arrived at the institute and went straight to her room, but just hearing the sound of her went I opened the door made me worry. Just as I walked in, I could see her, she was in her bed, tears streaming down her cheeks as the pain was obvious in her eyes. Although it was wrong because of my status as a doctor, I approached her and hugged her tightly, unlike my dreams, for the first time I could feel the real one, only she seemed to exist at that moment, that figure I saw for years in my head, I was finally able to find her and protect her that time, all the time I saw how she was destroyed, killed, desecrated while I could only see all that without being able to do anything, but finally, I was able to be with her.

I did not realize the moment, but she was lying on the bed, I myself was on top of her while I covered her mouth preventing any sound from escaping while I could feel how she used all her strength to escape from me. I just cherished that moment, all the times I had those nightmares it wasn't for any reason, it wasn't because I felt sorry for the little girl who watched was destroyed in front of me every night... No, I realized it just the first night I was able to touch her in that dream… I always wanted to be the one to break her, the one to make her scream, the one who could touch and tear every part of her as her screams filled my head, and that feeling of ecstasy that was hidden would explode filling every part of my being... In the end, I could only see how in the room there was only a red stain and remains that were difficult to say what we're actually scattered all over the place giving a horrible sight to anyone who saw it, but for me... It was the sight most beautiful in the world.

Then, I woke up... Everything had been another ridiculous dream and so I kept thinking about it, nothing had happened, the figure of that girl never really existed, those weeks that I supposedly spent with her were a sad game of my mind just to satisfy myself...

That day I arrived at the institute, I had to forget about those crazy thoughts that would only harm my work, I was even considering consulting a colleague about what was happening to me, but the voice of my partner and a blow to my head made me come out of my thoughts.

"How are you, sleeping beauty? A new patient arrived today"

She gave me the handful of papers, I looked at them carefully as I said goodbye to her and went up in the elevator. A smile appeared on my face as a small whistle came out of my mouth and expressed my interest in what I had just read, it seemed that I would be really busy in the next few days, but that didn't stop those simple words from coming out of me.

"So… Room 201…"