Tube line
I woke up in a clean bed of clean sheets and messy blankets. Everything was all blue like an ocean. It was early right? I stare at my clock not fully registering its numbers, at least not now. I slowly pulled myself up as my dirty blonde hair falls down my shoulders and back like a waterfall. For a moment I felt a slight pain in my arm.
I simply pushed away from the pain as I always did. I quietly put on a yellow dress that fell to my knees. My knees themselves were covered in small bandages and bruises. So were my arms and legs. I would consistently get hurt to cover my trail. Specific scrapes were more like perfectly lined and planned cuts if you really looked. Sadly, this didn't just cover my tracks. It also covered moms. Each time she sliced or hit me was covered by my own means to cover the slicing I've done. Now I looked like a small child who had been playing a little too much and as I grabbed my bag and broken phone I felt the shame rise in me. The shame has always been there but now as I really see myself in the mirror it's more than there. It's almost like a small spider building a large web out of silk and thread all inside me where it's protected, secure.
I begin to run out of the house and into the morning of loud cars and louder people, and even though I was tired I would walk all fifteen miles to school rather than go to the train station. It was like the tube line in London, with no barriers, and no ways to stop someone from jumping in front of a train. Of course, even then the tube line was clean and near shiny despite all the bloodshed there. If I went I'm sure I would end as another annoyance to a few hundred people. That's how they all felt when someone jumped in front as their lungs filled with the London smoke they call air.
I cough a tiny bit as it becomes hard to breathe again. The city is beautiful to the outside. I can easily see why Big ben spirals to kiss the sky as it makes the noises of a working clock that has begun rusting with time and it makes you wonder. I always wondered who made it work. How big are the cogs and gears in such a clock. Was it the clock causing the smog? I asked this even as I dragged my feet into a school where surely my life won't get better.
Tubed Trainline is a book made only to help me with my own inner thoughts. If you're having issues regarding self-harm, suicidal thoughts, or anything else mentioned in the story, please call the below hotlines and know there's hope for you. I don't mean to sound sappy but as a person who has attempted suicide, I want everyone to know that it's possible to be ok again.
I know that it may not seem like it but you're worth the try!
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255
Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish
National Eating Disorders Association Helpline: 1-800-931-2237
This helpline offers support Monday–Thursday from 9 a.m.–9 p.m. EST, and Friday from 9 a.m.–5 p.m. EST. You can expect to receive support, information, referrals, and guidance about treatment options for either you or your loved one. You can also contact this helpline through its online chat function, available on its website. Additionally, there is an option to send a text message if you are in crisis by texting NEDA to 741741; a trained volunteer from the Crisis Text Line will get in touch with you.
Hopeline Network: 1-800-442-4673
This is a hotline dedicated to serving anyone in crisis. Sometimes, people with eating disorders might feel so full of shame or self-hatred that they contemplate hurting themselves. If this is true for you, this hotline offers nationwide assistance and support from volunteers specifically trained in crisis intervention. You can talk to someone day or night about anything that’s troubling you, even if it’s not related to an eating disorder. You can also call if you need referrals to eating disorder treatment centers.
Overeaters Anonymous: 1-505-891-2664
This hotline is available to people worldwide who need a referral to an Overeaters Anonymous support meeting in their area. Contrary to popular belief, Overeaters Anonymous is not just for people who are concerned about eating too much; it is also intended for those who have anorexia, bulimia, food addiction, or any other type of eating disorder. If you are reluctant to attend an in-person meeting or are not geographically near one, its website offers you the option to participate in an online- or telephone-based support group.
Crisis Textline: Text CONNECT to 741741
Available 24/7, 365 days a year, this organization helps people with eating disorders and other mental health issues by connecting callers with trained crisis volunteers who will provide confidential advice, support, and referrals if needed.
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-787-SAFE
https://www.thehotline.org/
Please be safe and enjoy the story!