The Remedy in Dawn

I can clearly see the slow departure of darkness. The hue in paradise are now filled with the mixture of yellow and bloody red. The gently move of flowers to unfold their leaf. The hum of fowls and the sound of different animals that awakens the entire downtown.

I wish I can stop this kind of scenery. This should be keep and never get change. Beautiful and rare indeed.

They say that every happenings on our life had a reasons. I want to believe that because now I really don't know if everything is from by chance or it is really my destiny. Am I really that bad to not have the things I love and want?

I never asked for some miracle or what, I just want an answer to all this things happened in my life in order to move, in order to let go of this dark memories.

I was thirsty for an answer.

But to whom will I get that? All people had so many questions in their lives that they can't give answers and I'm also one of them trying to defeat my negative mind that pulling me on my feet.

I firmly close my eyes synchronous from the hit of sun rays in my face. I shouldn't feel this but why is this hurting me so bad? Why it's hard to accept?

I quickly wipe away the tears that were streaming down to my cheeks. It's almost one week that I haven't have the proper sleep and eat. I feel like I am slowly losing myself, slowly losing the strength to hold on and I felt like I'm hopeless. I tightly hug my knees when I felt the strike of cold breezing wind, I feel like it wanted to help me from my misery, like it want to have a sympathy from me.

Suddenly I felt my phone vibrating under my jeans. I didn't give my attention to it yet. I heave a heavy sigh to calm myself, I know that there's a lot more possible events that is coming, I need to be more strong. Perhaps this was just my beginning and this is one of the dark path I need to go through.

I bitterly smile at the horizon. This life sucks!

I immediately stand up when I felt the heat of the sun on my skin become sore. I shake off the dirt that were clung onto my jeans before I took my phone out from my pocket. There are random messages from the random people but I only open one.

Henry:

Come back now. It's almost time

Henry:

Where are you? I'll come to where you were at.

There are more other things he said but I ignored it. I take a glimpse of the sun once again that were now soaring high up to the sky and just like what I always do, I smile to it eventhough I knew that it couldn't return it back my smile.

"I can do this..." I whisphered to myself.

I quickly ride on my motorcycle that were parked behind. I start the engine and swiftly drove off from that place.

I already saw from the far distance the people in white clothes walking outside, from our house. Some were still busy inside. I park my vehicle at the corner of our yard because it kind of I can't drive pass from the people that were walking out. I swiftly jump off and walk inside our house.

I hear a loud noise of cries inside our house that weren't usual. Moreover that we haven't have any relatives here because our relatives from my mother and father were from other place. I have a hunch where that loud cries came from.

I had only tread on the doorstep but my forehead already puckered. The audacity to come here!

Henry sees me so he immediately gathered himself infront of me.

"Sin, I'm sorry I didn't stop her" he scratched his neck. "Dad allowed her too because she promised not to make any trouble. "

I didn't utter any word. My eyes remain from the woman who almost hug my father's coffin. Because of too much noise from her cry, she's snatching people's attention. She's so shameless and have the courage to come here. If it wasn't because of her, probably my family wouldn't been ruined. Maybe we were complete. Probably my father would've still alive. Maybe my mother wasn't in the hospital.

I stop myself from yelling in frustration and anger. This is not the right time to exert my emotions when I know I need to send off my father.

I gasp before I spoke "Let's go."

Henry nod and quickly excuse himself infront of me. He signaled on the four men to carry my father' coffin.

The woman couldn't do anything when she's been moved aside, so the men could carry my father. Her nose and eyes becomes red because of crying. I don't know if her mourning for my father were true or it was just for a show. Besides she fooled all of us therefore it must be better if I don't trust her actions or some people's proclaim about her.

I withdraw myself from that place and immediately enter on tito Herman's car, Henry's father. Tito Herman was one of the closest friend of my father since we lived here. Reason why I met Henry that also has the same age as mine. We are childhood bestfriends the reason why he's the only person I trust.

Some people even block my way to say their sympathy towards my father. I only answered them by a nod before I finally take a seat on the vehicle. I don't get it, people will show how much you mean to them when you're already gone and will never heard nor witnessed it. I wish they appreciate the presence of a person when he or she is still alive. After all a person should be treated the way it should be .

I closed the car's door as I went in. Even when the window is closed I can clearly see my father's casket being carried by the four bulky men. My heart became heavy as I see it. My father. My beloved father that I always admire of. He means so much to me that I ignore every accusations they throw to him, I can't believe he can do that.

He will never do that!

Or maybe it was only in me? Because I always believe in the good side of him that's why this bad one are hard for me to accept.

I tried to recall everything he does for me, for mom, and for the family. All this time he was my best Dad that I will cherish. I admit that when I was still young, my love for my father was more weighty because he would always give all of my whims, he also wasn't strict to me unlike my mother who always upset in everything I would do.

And now I lost both of them.

When all of the other stuffs and flowers were place down on the car, we quickly head towards the cemetery. This is his last hour in this world and I cannot stop that anymore.

We silently prayed for Dad's soul led by the priest in front. Up untill now I can still hear the woman sobbing. She was seated in the back, people were throwing the looks full of accusation at her but she ignored all of it. For now, I don't want to think that it was solely true that Papa has a hook, I want his final destination to be good because this is also the last thing I can do for him.

When the prayer was over. The priest blessed the coffin. One by one the white roses were dropped. As that rectangular box descended, it seemed as if my breath was slowly being sucked in by its excessive tightness. I didn't even show that I was too hurt by what was happening, even my crying was also hidden, I would only let it out my emotions when I was alone.

I can't show my weaknesses because when I show it, they will pity me more and I don't want that to happen. I don't need their pity or the other way around. I don't need that.

I throw my white rose with the gold ribbon on it. "Dad..." I whisphered.

"Won't you hug me anymore? Even now, even if it's the last one." I smiled bitterly as I shed a tear.

"I know, he'll take you away from me but why this early? I haven't finished school yet. I still need you, neither mama. Are you tired of my behavior? Or maybe you're fed up with me," I clasped my hand tightly because it's also shaking.

"Dad, why your leave is too painful?" I bowed down. "You're very unfair."

I felt someone beside me. I already know who it was by the smell of it. Slowly he wrapped his arms around my shoulders. I sighed before looking up at him.

I could see the pleading of his eyes as he looked at me. He raised his hand holding a blue handkerchief to wipe the trace of a tear on my cheek. I let him and smiled at him before I let go in his arms.

I left the area and sat on the chair again. Henry followed me. Slowly, they covered Papa's coffin with soil as the people who sympathized with him left.

I don't know what will happen after this but I hope it'll be good.

Henry and I, also the workers making the tombstone were the only one had been left. If he hadn't just forced me to leave because the work was over, I probably would have spent the night there as well. I can't just leave my father in the cemetery but I know that I should be.

As we enter our house I can feel that so many things changed.

Tito Herman greeted us. He looked at me sadly, I knew they wanted to ease my feelings and I understood that. They helped me a lot, from arranging Dad's funeral that I don't know if I could do it properly if I was alone. Tito Herman and his family helped me, not only financially but also in other ways.

"We've been waiting for you for a while, it's good that you're here. "Tito smiled slightly.

"We waited for Dad's tombstone to be properly finished. "

Tito was stunned but eventually nodded as well.

"Let's eat, your Aunt cooked." It was first to walk towards the kitchen of the house.

"Great. I'm hungry too." Henry said calmly as I just smiled.

When my father die, they lived with me for a while because aside from I was alone, they also offered. They only go to their home when they need to get things but when we buried father on his grave, I'm sure that they need to return to their home.

Despite the issues and accusations people throw to my beloved father they still on my side, helping without getting anything in return. I guess that's what friendship isn't it? Accept who you are and stay whenever it is. I'm so blessed that my Papa found a true friendship with Tito Herman.

I don't know what will happened if I don't have them. As I lost Papa, everything went literally down for me. I don't have enough money for my mother's bill in hospital and medicine. I don't know how am I going to pay my father's debt that he leave behind. I don't know how am I supposed to have money for my leaving and support my studies.

Everything I have before was gone. All I know from now, that I will start from the scratch.

On my own.