Confidence

It  has been two and a half months since I started to pour down my thoughts in my  diary, my diary was a present given by my father on my birthday. I loved the diary, it was both pink and white in  colour  and had a lock too. I never had any intention to write a diary at that time but then I just wanted to keep it with me.

I met Rachel when I was 7 years old, as far as I remember, it was my aunt Helen who introduced me to her. We met occasionally during parties at that time. Since Rachel, Justin and I were of same age, we used to   played together, Justin  always pinched  her cheeks   just to look at her face which would turn red, it was his favorite thing to do and he never missed a chance to see  her  reaction whenever he teased her,  it was a kind of satisfaction for him to tease her and that  didn't  change to this day. Even though Justin always teased her, he  took care of her whenever she was depressed. He knew her before me as their mothers were best friends. I was ten years old when Rachel's parents took divorce. She always cried, it was very difficult  for her to see her parents to fall apart in  front of her. Justin's mother brought Rachel to her house for a  few days  and then Rachel was transferred to my school. My aunt  and my uncle love her a lot, sometimes I wondered if Justin was their own child whenever I look at the way they to treat her.  I often  used to go to my aunt's house  to  meet her and play with her. We grew together and we never hid anything from each other. There were times we argued and didn't talk to each other but at the end we always used to sort it out at the end. I never thought that things would change between us.

It was in the month of august, five and a half months ago. Just like any other day I went to fill my bottle to see Austin. He changed a lot in these two years, he  looked handsome than he was before. I filled bottle and  glanced at him before leaving  and then I left, while coming towards my class I saw the notice board. It was about the competitions held by our school to select few students to participate in Q.A.E.S.

Q.A.E.S( Q  Archdiocese of Educational Society) is one of the largest chain school in YYY country. There are twenty schools and are managed by the Archdiocese. Every year competitions are held by Q.A.E.S in the month of February in which students of all those twenty schools participate in the competitions. The competitions include sports, cultural, elocution and essay writing.

Rachel came  and stood beside me, she looked at the notice board and then at me, she understood what I was thinking just by looking at my face.

"Are you sure about this," she asked me.

I nodded to her and said a yes.

"What do you say? Shall we  participate  in this year's competition?" I asked her. She stepped back and raised her hand to her shoulder level. "Not even in my dreams." I laughed at the way she replied.

"Okay, I'm not forcing you to participate with me," I said.

"Thankyou for your kindness. Let's go to the class now since you saw your guy " she said and grabbed my wrist and we headed towards our  class.

I went to Cindy, our class representative to gather more information about the competition. She has been our class representative since seventh standard. I went to her and told her that I wanted to participate in elocution. She went to her bench and took out her note book from her bag and opened a page in which there were names of the participants from our class, she wrote down my name and told me that next week my class teacher would let her  know about the topics and also about  the date.

I gave a smile and went  back to my place and sat beside Rachel.

"Are you participating for him ?" Rachel asked me.

I shook my head and replied, "not exactly. I want to try doing  something which I never did, I want to change myself." She looked at me  and smiled but didn't tell anything.

After looking at her expression I understood that she was happy for what I was doing or going to do.

Few days later, our teacher  gave us the topics and then she told that the competition would be held on Thursday which was two weeks later.

Just like any  other  day, after having our lunch, Rachel and I went to fill our bottles but I didn't go towards Austin's class  as I wanted to take a stroll in the ground.

I told her that I had to go back to the class  and practise. She told that it would be better if I practise  by standing  in front of her and imagine her as one the audience.

I paused for a minute, I closed my eyes  took a deep breathe and then when I opened my eyes I saw Rachel wasn't in front of me. I looked towards my right side and saw her rush towards an empty bench which was  under a tree. The place where  she sat was near to the basket ball court.

"Okay, start now," she said.

"Can't you stand even  for five minutes ?" I asked her with my arms crossed against my chest.

"Why should I stand when there's place to sit and also my legs might start to pain if I stand even for a minute," she shrugged. Always a drama queen.

"Alright!! start now," she said with a wide smile.

I stood in front of her and gave my speech with confidence and after I completed, she gave me a hug.

"That was amazing, so proud of you, don't loose your confidence, you can do it," she continued to hug.

I practised day and night  so that I could become perfect. At home, I sometimes stood in front of the mirror  and at  school  during lunch hours,  Rachel and I would to go to that bench everyday. I used to give  my speech  while she used to sit on the bench and listen to me while having her  chips. And that eontinued for two weeks.

Finally the day has come.  I was already nervous and looking at the crowd I lost my confidence. I was to tears but didn't let them fall, I was controlling myself. I wanted to runaway, I took a step back but then I  thought  that if I step back further  then everything I did for today since two weeks would  go in vain.

"Jessica, you have to do it no matter what," I told to myself.

A part of me, told to  go for it while the other half was said to me not to do it, people would make fun  if something goes wrong. I  took another step back and gave a thought that I won't be able to do it.

When I  turned back, I  saw  a tall guy who stood behind me one step away. I could only see his chest as he was tall,  I raised my head and looked at the tall figure and  realised  that it was Austin.

'Thankgod, I didn't take two  steps back. My head would've hit his chest and that would be another embarrassing situation with him' I thought.

"Hey!" he said.

He looked even more handsome in close up. His hair was  messy which made him look  attractive.   There was a kind of spark in his eyes which melted my heart as always, his jawline outlined his handsome face, his perfectly shaped red lips were slightly moving.

'Shit!! his lips are in motion, he is saying something  to me' I said to myself and was alarmed  and came back to my senses: he was talking about my speech.

I smiled and gave a nod but didn't talk anything because I didn't listen to what he  told and also I was speechless because he stood very close to me.

I never understand, why  I always get lost in my thoughts and also I'm so stupid, I have to give speech in few minutes and here I was busy admiring him.

"I asked did you give your speech or are you going to give," I guess he repeated his words since I didn't hear him.

"I.... am going to give my speech in a while, I didn't give yet," I said sheepishly and smiled.

I scolded myself for behaving like an idiot.

"That's nice," he said.

He then spoke to his friends  who stood to my left side.

I don't know why, all of a sudden I wanted to talk to him and tell him that I was loosing my confidence.

Even though he was my crush, he was not close to me. We hardly spoke to each other, I always felt happy whenever I spoke to him   but this was different, I never shared my feelings with him and also I didn't know if he would understand my situation because its easy for a person like him to talk in front of people but for a person like  me its difficult.

I turned my head towards him and saw that he was already looking at me.

He came towards me and said, " you can do it, don't lose your confidence."

He talked  to me as if he knew what I wanted to say.

"Will I be able to do it ?" I asked him .

"If a person can do something, it means you can do it too. If a person  can't do it you should try doing it," his words hit me hard.

"I will do it," I said and gave him a bright smile.

He was right, if other students could stand and give speech, I can do it  too.  LI should at least give a try, I cannot let my two weeks of handwork go in vain. I was determined.

I heard my teacher announce my name, I went and gave my speech. It was not great but it wasn't bad either. I was able to tell with confidence and without any  mistake, it was my first time to stand in front of many people and to give a speech was something great for a person like me.

That day, he said only two sentences and those two sentences became her  motto since then. If she  didn't talk to him that day, she  wouldn't have given her  speech. Jessica would've lost her confidence and she would've never tried to do  something like that again.

Sometimes, things we do unintentionally cause a big change  in our life.  It might turn out into a good thing or a bad thing. At that time Jessica  didn't know that her  wish to participate in the competition  would be a cause  for  a change in  her  friendship. While she was trying for something, she was losing something at the same time and she didn't realise  until it was too late.