Tears to Self Love

"I grew a flower that can't be bloomed in a dream that can't come true" from "Fake Love (English Translation)" by BTS

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"Lily! Lily! I'm here!" My upperclassman and friend Miku called out to her best friend who was majoring in a different department from us. I walked a little faster to catch up with her. The three of us met under the shade of the trees, sheltering us from the hot summer sun. "Hey, Miku. Classes are finally over. We need to hang out as much as we can this summer." Lily replied in a monotone voice. Although she held a poker face, there was a trace of a smile and liveliness in her eyes.

"Yeah, and this will be a great opportunity for you to make a new friend. I brought my classmate and new friend here to meet you." Miku promptly looked at me. I ran my hand through my hair and smiled at Lily. "Hey, I'm Aiden. I'm majoring in animation, just like Miku. I'm a year younger than you two." A warm breeze drifted by, blowing her ebony hair across her face. For a moment, she looked like someone from my past. My chest ached at the memory. "Hi, I'm Lily. I major in game design. It's a pleasure to meet you." Her reply was formal, completely out of my expectations for a girl in our generation.

She held out her hand for me to shake. Her grip was firm, a bit intimidating, but she was gentle at the same time. I smiled in agreement. Miku stood off to the side, smiling like a fool at her plans going into action. "Ah, we're off to a great start. I'm going to be busy today, so can you please accompany Lily for the rest of the day? I'll treat you out next time." Miku slyly informed us of how the rest of the day was going to go. I gave her a questioning look. She knows that I have been avoiding a relationship since my heartbreak in high school. I kind of vented to her when I got drunk a few months ago. Now, she wants to help me move on and leave that past behind.

"You're not going to let that hold you back for the rest of your life, are you?"

"Uh…"

"I'll help you out, just go along with my plans. If you don't want to, you can always refuse."

I had no comment. I was too dumbfounded to reply.

"I'll take your silence as a yes. You'll see what I mean when you realize what you've been hiding from yourself," Miku smiled in a knowing manner.

Miku winked and already began to walk away, waving happily. "Have fun! Be nice to him Lily! He's still younger than us." The sound of her laughter faded away as another breeze came by. I felt a hand on my shoulder. I looked to my right to see glinting brown eyes looking up at me from the pale, expressionless face of Lily. "Let's go. I'll treat you to lunch." She turned around and started walking in the direction of the parking lot.

►|◄

The ride to the cafe right outside of our campus wasn't long. It had only been ten minutes since we left and we were already sitting in a corner by the floor-to-ceiling windows with iced tea held to our lips. I carefully glanced at her now and then, observing her features. She had a triangle shaped face, small button nose, and thin lips. Her eyelashes were quite long, shielding her eyes from noticing me looking at her. However, at one point, I saw her looking up at me through her lashes.

"Why do you keep stealing glances at me? You do know that I can see you, right?" Her dull voice softly ringed in my ears.

I gave an awkward laugh. "Eheh, I just wanted to memorize how you look. It might be helpful for creating a character to animate in a future project." What I said was half true. I usually observe people's features to gain ideas for future animation projects. The other half of the truth that I didn't say was that I was a little interested in her. I admit that she looks beautiful, aesthetic in a way. She was distant, but close enough that you can see, like flowers on a mountain. I fantasized about a mountain glittering with dew-covered blue flowers as the sun rose. Standing among those flowers was a girl with long ebony hair and glistening brown eyes. That would make a great starting animation to an animated short film about beauty and nature.

I must've looked lost in thought, because I had to be called three times before I responded. "You're thinking a lot," said an all too familiar soft voice. I felt a jolt in my heart. Did I just hear.... "You're not hearing me properly. Are you here?" A hand lightly tapped my arm, interrupting my thoughts. I blinked a few times and saw the person before me. I covered my face, both from shock and embarrassment.

"I'm sorry, I spaced out and thought of a great animation idea. Do you wanna hear about it? It'd be nice to have some feedback." I got down to business, trying to avoid thinking about the voice I misheard earlier. It's better if I don't think about it and stick with what I have now. Lily eyed me a bit strangely, but went along with my request.

We went around to different places off campus for the rest of the day, talking about our interests and why we chose our majors. Lily went after game design mostly for her interest in how video games are made. She was fascinated with how they could draw in people to want to play them. Her reasoning was similar to mine. I chased after my dream to create an animation that would draw people in to see the world that blossoms in my mind.

As the sun got low enough that it barely glistened above the horizon, Lily called Miku to come to a restaurant with us for dinner. When she hung up her call, there was a strange expression on her face. I couldn't tell if it was from amusement or from worry.

"Miku said she couldn't make it. I guess it's just us two for dinner."

"Oh, that's fine. Where do you want to eat? I'll pay for dinner."

"As your upperclassman, I'll do the paying. Also, there's a Vietnamese restaurant not far from campus."

I didn't argue about who was paying and obediently followed her to her car. As we drove there, she turned on her radio. The soulful notes of a violin streamed out of the speakers. I recalled that she mentioned that she loved classical music. At the time, we were sharing our taste in music. I patiently listened to her discuss the different things she admired from different composers. I'm not a fan of classical music, but I went along with the mood. I didn't want to be like how I was before, creating a distance between myself and others because of my different tastes. People say to be yourself, but how can I do that if no one wants to be close to me? It might just be me being weak, but I learned to go along with other people's interests to gain their friendship. It's my sad reality.

►|◄

The restaurant was dimly lit with the scents of freshly cooked soup wafting through the air. We enjoyed our dinner among the peaceful sounds of the light clinking of utensils against porcelain bowls. Lily finished eating first and sat staring at me as I finished. I began to feel uneasy. This was probably what she felt when I was stealing glances at her earlier in the day. I finished up and wiped my mouth. When I looked up, she was still looking at me, this time, straight in the eyes. I combed through my hair out of awkwardness.

"Is there something wrong?" I tentatively asked.

She blinked a few times in response.

"Hey, are you here?" I thought she was probably lost in thought and was stuck in the pose of her face in my direction. I waved my hand in front of her eyes.

"I hear you. Let me think for a moment." Her response was immediate and sharp.

I nodded and sat back with my head slightly tilted downwards, shyly looking up at her. She continued to look at me, her head leaning on a propped up arm.

"Aiden." Her face turned serious.

"Yes?" I sat up straight.

"Go out with with me," her expression didn't change.

"Wait, wait, wait. We've only just met today. You're not sure and I'm not sure if we can date…" I started. My heart was racing. I can't tell if she's trying to prank me.

"Miku told me you've been in a relationship before. I don't have any experience, but I want to understand it for a game project. I hope this doesn't bother you."

My eyes widened. I cursed Miku inside my head for putting me in this difficult situation. It's not like I don't want to date anyone, but I just want to avoid romance and carry on with the personality I created for myself. I've been asked out a few times with my new personality who always went along with people's interests, never disagreeing too much. The part that attracted people to me was my agreeableness. I would avoid arguing with the people around me. However, this time, the reason why I'm being asked out is completely unrelated to my personality. I'm being asked out to help someone with a project. It really doesn't sound good…

"I guess this will be the first thing to learn. You don't just ask out someone because of a project. You ask them out because there's something you like about the person. You keep thinking about someone and desire to be closer to them. That's a more appropriate reason to ask someone out." I started to explain to Lily the first steps to romance.

"Hmm, I want to know you better. You're not bad looking either and you have an interesting imagination. Is that a good enough reason?" She seemed determined to have me agree.

My heart skipped a beat. I felt a little bit of heat rise to my face. I don't remember anyone complimenting me about my imagination. I was tempted to say yes to Lily.

"How about we meet a few more times before I answer you?" I needed to be sure that I wanted to try going for another relationship.

"That's fine."

We left the conversation there and silently rode back to campus. We parted ways and walked to our respective dorm room locations. I turned a corner and walked down the hallway that led to my room. I saw a human figure sitting on the floor by my door. The figure flinched when it heard my footsteps. I saw that it was Miku.

"You shouldn't be alone at night outside of a boy's dorm room, you know?" I reminded her that she needed to be cautious around the male dorm.

She ignored my reminder. "How was your date today?" I froze with my key to my door half turned.

Slowly, I said, "So, you planned what was going to happen today?" She shrugged. "I only set up today for you guys to hang out. I have no part in what happens between you two." My original suspicions of her setting up the scenario for me to get asked out were easily dissipated. We worked together for a whole year as partners, so I trusted her words.

"I hope things go well. Good night, Aiden!" Miku waved at me and walked away. I got into my room and set my things down. A petal from the roses on my dining room table floated onto the table's surface.