Hate me but do not hate me

Aidan's Point of View

"So, you are afraid of me?" I asked her, and when I uttered those words, I didn't know it would hurt. For some reason, a strange, piercing pain attacked my heart. I just wanted to tease her, but why would it backlash me?

Raven froze as she heard me, she turned paler than before. Was she simply surprised? Or was she answering my question with her reaction? Is it true? She is scared of me? Is it because of the accidental slap? I must explain it to her. I would never hit her like that. It was meant for that bastard. 

I stood up from my seat and sat next to her. She was holding her breath in, as if I were a tide in the ocean swallowing her. I narrowed my eyes and looked at her. 

Speak. Scold me if you want. Don't act like you are scared of me for real. 

She turned away, her cheeks turning red from holding in her breath, and opened the window, looking outside. 

She ignored me.

It was as if she had seen a ghost and wanted to pretend she didn't, so that the ghost wouldn't harm her. I asked myself, Does she think I will harm her? Why would she think so? That slap! I regret it. I regret not controlling my anger and not looking at who I was hitting. 

I placed my hand on her shoulder and asked, feeling a little upset, "Answer me!"

"Get your hands off me!" She glared at me and jerked my hands away. 

I was dumbfounded, I looked around, simply humiliated. I was worried that the public will mistake me for a bad person who was molesting a pitiful girl, which she was. I had hit her so badly, she ought to be mad at me. But I am afraid she is not. She considers me a stranger and forgives me that easily, even made up excuse of her birthday. 

'You are a stranger to her.' The voice in my head smacked me. Indeed, she is. But why am I upset? Because I am not a complete stranger, at the very least, we are acquaintance. People from the same circle, we shared some memories, even if it's one or two. 

Why do I not want to fall in the category of stranger or acquaintance? Why do I want to be more? May be a friend? It still sounds right. But it is better than being considered a stranger. 

The thing I feared was that the gazes of the people were at me, looking at me in disgust. I wanted to explain that I knew her; the girl beside me knew me as well. But I could not end the debate within me. What am I to her? 

Earlier at her university, I blurted out that word 'husband' but I didn't think it was her; I thought it would hurry her up when she would hear someone claiming to be her husband. Girls these days claim to be their idol's wives; it is nothing. But my heart said, Raven would surely react. As a maiden, she would not stand people tarnishing her reputation. 

"I know him. He is with me." Her voice resonated in my ears, and her breath brushed against my earlobe. It was then that I realised I was so close to her. Just next to her. Her voice. It was deep, sweet and I don't know how to describe it. My restless blood calmed down like a river, my racing heart became a floating cloud, and my breathing returned to its usual pace. 

I turned my eyes to look at her, but she had turned her eyes away, again to the damn window. I cleared my throat and said, "Thanks." 

I wanted to hear her speak again, but she didn't respond. It hurts so bad, why must she estrange herself like this? Wait…why does it feel like this? I must be losing my mind. 

If Uncle William had not sent me here, I don't think I would ever remember her. Now that I do, why am I tormented by this constant pain? 

Perhaps, I feel guilty for slapping her.

"Did the bleeding stop?" I let out a deep breath and asked. It must be the reason I feel bad for her. Anything other than this, doesn't explain my odd behaviour. If it is not guilt, I must have gone crazy. 

"Hmph.." She responded, without turning to me. Still, not willing to let me hear her voice, or see her face. Now, I just want to cup her face and let me see, exactly how deeply I hurt her. 

Not just her physical wound; I wanted to look into her eyes, and see how much she resents me for hurting her after meeting her for the first time in ten years, I didn't even greet her properly. She must think I am a gangster who only knows how to hit people. 

'Why do you care even if she resents you?' The voice interrupted me. 

I don't know. 

I just don't want her to hate me. I don't want Raven to hate me. It feels like her hatred would end me. Why didn't I care about it before? I don't have an answer for this. I just recall how she was always amicable with me. No matter what I did, she never blamed me. 

Now that I think of it, she must have considered me as an outsider. It didn't feel good at that time, strangely, but at the same time, it felt very good. She treated me differently. She treated me better than anyone else, and now that she isn't friendly with me, I feel anxious. 

On the other hand, I also want her to be mad at me, just like when that bastard held my collar and the way she got mad at him, it irked me. They felt like close friends or more than that. 

"Does it hurt?" I questioned her. I expect her to be mad at me and say, Why won't it hurt when she gets hit by me? This time, I won't mind the expression of the public in the bus. 

"Mister Aidan, I am made of flesh and bone; it will hurt if I am hurt. But don't blame yourself, I know you wanted to hit Richard." 

My eyes widened, staring at her back, I thought to myself, 'Why must you burn me like this?' 

I gritted my teeth, furious at how lovingly she took his name. He must be her boyfriend. How can she be so hypocrite! I had heard from my sister that Raven doesn't like the concept of dating and prefers to arrange marriage. She had a weird reason behind this, her ideology is that if she marries according to the wishes of her parents, she can blame her parents for getting her a bad apple. Weird. 

I hit an epiphany, it must be that I remember this thing, that I called myself her husband rather than going for 'Boyfriend'. I must be insane. 

"You said it was highly inappropriate for your father to send here to pick you up, but do you know he even asked me to get you a dress for some event." I said, and my tone carried my anger. 

"My birthday." She answered, and I heard her clearly. 

"What?" I was taken aback. It's her birthday? She wasn't lying to the old lady. 

She turned to me finally, nodded, and said, "The event is my birthday." 

Before I could recover from the shock, she said, "You don't have to worry about anything. If in the future, my father asks you to run strange errands like this, just ignore him. After two or three times, he will not bother you." 

"I am obedient to my father, and Uncle William is also like my father. I will not refuse him. Why should I offend him just because you asked me? Why am I to you?" I scoffed and looked away. The last question was one of the thorns in my heart that I wanted to ask her. Just like how badly I want to know what her relationship with Richard is,. 

She squinted her eyes and asked me in a firm tone, "Will you rob a bank if he wants you to?" 

"Gladly, not just that, I need one command, just one…." I looked at her shocked expression and said, "I will kill, I will murder, I will massacre. I will do anything for him." 

She lost her colours again, and meanwhile, I didn't waste the opportunity to look at the wound I gave her. "You have gone crazy. Why would you be this loyal to my father?" Her breathy voice caught me off guard, "Why are you obedient to him?" 

I am not. 

But I want to be. I have never been in his good book, and I didn't care about it before, because I knew he wasn't an easy person to please, he always has an ideal image of everything. Why do I regret it now? Why do I feel I should be on his good side?