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Sasuke Uchiha's guide to an unhealthy ninja life

A guy who operates on an orange and blue morality system is isekai'd in Naruto as Sasuke Uchiha. Expect chakra nonsense, restraining orders, jokes about fanfictions, failed therapy no jutsus, and geese.

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13 Chs

Chapter 1.5: Friendship is magic

/Case 1: Kiba Inuzuka is interviewed by ANBU./

The boy's eyes flickered between the two ANBU agents in front of him as he growled trying to appear intimidatingly. Sadly, he was a seven year olds pup and they were two experienced shinobi with a kill count on double digits. Even a toothless Chihuahua would had been remarkably more intimidating than him, but, to be fair, those creatures are made of pure evil and anxiety.

"Let me get this straight. Your name is Tiger."

"That's right."

"And yours is Liger."

"Yes."

"And you are the ones that chose what animal you wanted to be." Kiba Inuzuka said as calmly as one could expect from a bratty seven years old and took a deep breath. "Why on earth did you choose animals so similar if you knew you were going to work together? That's stupid, you guys are stupid. Tiger and Liger are stupid names and they sound exactly the same."

Both ANBU agents stared at each before looking back at the little ball of fury.

"Are you angry because we choose felines and not canines?"

"NO. Maybe? Anyway, I'm the super arch ultra leader alpha male of the pack. So if you want me to say more things about Sasuke or to order him to do something, you're gonna have to stop being so stupid."

To further demonstrate his point, the boy puffed out his chest causing him to lose his balance for a second.

"The reports say that you are the one following after Sasuke everytime he has an idea." One of the agents stated blandly.

"A super leader alpha male has to make sure his pack doesn't get into too much trouble."

"The report also says that he gives you advices for both your taijutsu and shurikenjutsu from time to time." The other agent added.

"A super leader listens his pack's opinions when he deems it necessary, if only to not make them feel useless."

"Wasn't Sasuke the one who convinced you that sneaking in the interrogation and torture forces' offices would be a good stealth training an-"

"Shut up, shut up, SHUTUP. I am the leader; I give the orders. Why are YOU still here? I already told you what I knew."

"We know. We were just a little bit bored." Confessed one of the agents before both of them disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

At that moment Kiba swore to himself that he should get revenge on any feline lover in the world. He would later make sure to ask… no, order Sasuke to teach him some cool technique for that.

.......................... ..........................

/Case 2: Conversation between Neji and Hinata Hyuuga./

It has been a great month for Hinata. She spent the last few weeks bonding with her older cousin over training.

"Move your front leg ten centimeter forward and lower your hips. I know your fate indicates that you will never reach the same heights as a genius like me, but that is no excuse for being mediocre at the gentle fist. And close your elbows a little, otherwise your ribs would be exposed... better. "

Funny enough, despite insulting her every other sentence, Neji was still the kindest teacher she had ever had. His crude words were practically the greatest positive reinforcement anyone has given her since her third birthday party (a birthday party that she spent complety alone eating her cake by herself...and the one that gave the compliment was her own reflection on mirror). If she ever failed to perform a technique, Neji would frown and berate her a little before showing her the right way to do it while throwing an insult every now and then. It was still much better than the usual ¨You are a greater disappointment to the clan than your armless granduncle¨ and ¨I refuse to believe that such a disappointment came from my seed.¨. In hindsight, that was a bit sad.

"Umm. Neji-nii. "

"Don't act so familiar with me. You are from the peerless prestigious main house while I am from the mere branch house." Neji spitted on the ground, almost as if his own mouth couldn't handle that amount bitterness and sarcasm.

In normal circumstances Hinata would had shrieked and then shut her mouth out of fear of saying the wrong thing and making everything even worse. But after the thirteenth spittle to the ground, the effect was lost.

"Neji-kun? Neji-san? I don't think that calling you Hyuuga-san would be a good idea."

"Just tell me what you want." He rolled his eyes. "I have my own training to do and I don't have time to babysit our spoiled princess."

"Mmmmhhh, you were the one who called me to practice here. "

Her cousin stayed quiet for a few seconds.

"Fate has decided that for some reason your mere presence exerts some kind of control over that monster and makes him act somewhat normal...and I'm the using the term normal very loosely."

"I thought you liked spending time with Sasuke-kun." She tilted her head in confusion. "He is your best friend. "

She had been very happy when she found out that Neji had made a friend, and maybe a little jealous as well due to her own lack of friends. Since the ´incident´, her Neji had been very aggressive. The seal on his head used by her father and some elders to basically tortured him didn't help at all. Fortunately, that changed after Sasuke-kun started spending time with his cousin. Now he was just somewhat aggressive and extremely -what was the word that Sasuke-kun had taught her? Ah yes- fatalistic. But if one ignored his constant use of the word fate, Neji was much better than before.

"We are not friends." He replied stiffly.

"But you always train together or hang out in the village with Kiba-kun."

There were also the multiple hugs. Sasuke-kun had told her that the best way to beat the emo and angst - whatever that means - out of a fatalistic tsundere was to kill him with kindness and hugs (even if said kindness must be forced through his throat by using a lot of violence). He might also mentioned something about blackmailing a bunch of elders, but she didn't understand what some letters written in black paper have to do with anything.

"Correction, he simply decided that because fate bestowed colossal strengh on him, that gives him the right to interrump my training, tell me what I'm doing wrong, and then kidnap me whenever he gets bored. The Inuzuka is just another victim of his."

"But you went his birthday party with a gift for him. He brought a strawberrycake for yours." She said trying to not let her jealousy show.

She felt a little bad when Neji fluttered and turned around to hide his face out of shyness. She didn't want to make him uncomfortable with the conversation, but she believed that he should appreciate his friends more. He at least had some.

"As a member of the Hyuga's branch house, I have to fulfill various social obligations such as gave some face to the second sons of clans Uchiha and Inuzuka. From their birth they were fated to hold positions above mine and abuse the authority they have over me... just like you. "

She wasn't going to cry. Her father told her the heiress shouldn't show so much weakness since everyone would would jump to the opportunity trample her down and that would ruin her clan's reputation even more than. She wasn't going to sob.

*sniff sniff*

"Sorry."

"It's just fate. You didn't choose it and I didn't choose mine either. If you are tired of practicing, just sit there and pay attention to my katas." Neji sighed, trying, and failing, to sound reassuring. Which was far more than she could say for the rest of her family. And she wasn't sobbing anymore.

"NEJI, I DISCOVERED HOW TO MAKE PASTE USING ONLY CHAKRA BALL THAT NEVER KILL PEOPLE FOR SOME STRANGE REASON. LET'S TEST IF YOUR GENTLY FIST WORKS TOO." Shouted a voice in the distance.

Her cousin body stiffened instanly and he sent her a stern and pleading look.

"As the person fated to inherit the clan despite your poor talent for the gently fist, I hope you will do your duty and protect a branch member like me from being forcedly abducted."

Without bothering to wait for her answer, Neji hid behind a tree for some strange reason. Why did he hide from his best friend? Cooking sounded like fun.