My Dilemma

I felt people were staring at me when I walked on the road. It got worse when I went for the normal monthly clearance few days later. Previous clearance days, I always find myself gisting away with other corp members in groups. 

I was very popular as one of the fortunate guys to be posted to idah poly, coupled with the fact that I was a platoon leader. But that day, I found myself alone at a distant as I watched others do the gisting and chating. 

I was like a rejected and dejected stone on the corner. I prayed silently that chifawu didn’t spread the news to everyone that I had hiv but it looked like she did. I was worried about how my life was going to be.  I might even die before the NYSC year ends.

I lectured my students that weekend. It helped take my mind off the dilemma I presently faced. Staying alone made things worse, as the idle mind becomes the devil's workshop. 

I felt I was losing some weight, as well as my sanity. I barely ate, while my mind drifted away to the thoughts of death whenever I was idle. I got a call one Tuesday afternoon, and it happened to be the principal of the girl’s secondary school, where chifawu was doing her primary assignment. 

I had totally forgotten the deal I had with him about taking up part time classes with his students. He reminded me of that when we spoke that day and I promised him I will come over.

 I got to his office the next day and he scheduled some classes for me. Two days in a week to teach further maths and technical drawing for senior secondary students.  

When I accepted the deal with him few months back, it was because of chifawu and the pretty young and fresh girls he had as students. Now, things had changed. I had broken up with chifawu and was living with hiv. 

I would have rejected his offer, but the misery I went through in my room when I stayed alone made me take it. I devoted my time to the school work. I made sure I kept myself busy; either taking classes for Dr. Sowald or teaching the secondary school students.  

When there was no much work at the poly, I spent my extra days at the school. The students had a special fondness for this corper that loved teaching. Most times, when they had nothing to do, they will come down to the lab where I had a temporary office and we would solve past questions in physics, chemistry and mathematics.  

Within two weeks of working there, I became a favourite among most students. I needed the distraction, but ensured I kept my distance and avoided being attached to them. 

Once in a while, they would flirt around me like the typical young girls discovering their bodies newly. I ensured I turned down request of phone number or a request for cordial visit that was always coming up my way. I had noticed that chifawu was avoiding me like a plaque, even at the school. 

I hardly saw her, and there was always an awkward moment between us whenever we met incidentally. One day, after a class on further maths with the students, they remained back at the lab as we talked and solved some past questions. 

Chifawu bursted into the lab angrily and confronted I and the students. She claimed they had English language after the further maths but Had skipped her class just to stay in the hall to gist with me. 

I tried to calm her down but she kept flaring up and shouting at I and them.   Later in the day, the principal invited me to his office to have a word with me. He informed me that it was not the first time chifawu had laid such complaint against me and that it seems I was always using her class time to engage the students in other things. 

I apologised and promised it will not repeat itself. “there is one other thing.” He said as I was about to leave. I stood and watched him as he acted like he was having a second thought about what he wanted to say. After few seconds of deliberating, he motioned me to sit down and I did. 

“your female colleague informed me of your condition.” He said calmly. I sat motionless, staring at him, praying silently that he wasn’t referring to my hiv status. 

“she informed me you are hiv positive.” I sat still at the principal’s office, fighting so hard not to drop the tears already forming in my eyes. 

“my interest is in protecting my students, so I don’t want you to get attached to them.” He went on to lecture me about how naïve girls could be, and my over familiarity with them could tempt them into getting attached to me. 

He concluded by saying that I maintain a cordial relationship with my students. “anything beyond that, and I will report you to the nysc secretariat, and to the parents teacher’s association of the school.” He said he would have terminated the small arrangement we had if I wasn’t such helpful to the students, her daughter being one of them.  

I knew his daughter, she was the senior prefect and one of the finest and most intelligent at the school. She was very close to me as she always comes for one tutorial or the other. 

 “I hope we both understand each other perfectly?” he asked and I nodded nonchalantly.

 ___________________________________

 I left the school and went back to my room. I lay on the bed and allowed the tears to roll down. i had already made up my mind that I wasn’t going back to the school.  

The principal made it clear that if I wasn’t such a hard working and intelligent teacher, he would have booted me out of the school. I had to terminate the arrangement myself! Now I understood what it meant by stigmatizing people living with hiv.

 As the tears rolled down, I prayed a simple prayer; “please, God, let this pass.” For the first time since my final year at school, God did answer my prayer, He brought an angel into my life. . . The angel took away my pains. . .

*************************

The third week after I discovered I had hiv, Esther reappeared like an angel into my life. I had met her once at camp kitchen when I went to collect bread one morning. 

I met her again while we waited for a bus to take us to idah at the final day at camp.  That faithful afternoon, at the local government secretariat when I went for the monthly clearance, she walked up to me at the lonely spot I always fixed myself. 

“hey there, what’s up with you?” she said as she sat next to me, trying to sound cordial.  We talked for some minutes, about work and our ppa. I recalled she told me she was posted to the college of health at idah when we rode in the same bus from camp down to idah. 

“sorry to invade into your privacy, but your girlfriend told me about your condition.” She finally informed me. I wasn’t surprised, chifawu was running her mouth of late, telling everyone who cared to listen. 

“she is worried.” Esther told me. 

“worried about what?” I asked. “she is already having a nice time broadcasting it to the whole world.” I found myself speaking angrily. 

“no she is not, she explained to me that it was just the principal and few people at the lodge that she confided in.”   

“then how come you know about it?” I asked. 

“she came to the college of health to seek advice, that’s how I met her.” “advice on what?” I had to ask. “she wanted to know her chances of contacting hiv through kissing and sucking. She is scared to hell that she may have contacted it too and it will start to manifest soon.” 

“what did you tell her?” I asked again. “the truth. Its not possible unless you both have wounds in your mouth simultaneously. The chances are very slim.” She said. 

“good for her. At least she will be more happy now.” I said sarcastically. “I’m worried about you too.” Esther said. “we need to talk, but not here.” 

She insisted on talking to me and giving me all the support I needed. We scheduled to meet the next day at my room and she agreed. The next day, she came over to my house. We spoke at length as she tried to give me advice on what and what not to do. “you need to come to the college of health. There is a heart-to-heart centre there and you will learn a lot.” 

Next, she insisted that I inform the girls I had slept with within the past two years. “they need to know that they might be positive too, so they can start on time to take care of themselves.” After what seemed like an eternity of talk, Esther finally stood up to go. 

“I will be back tomorrow for more advice, and check the details of your test.” She said as she gave me a hug and left.