Chapter - 50

When he returned, another member of the ensemble had taken charge of the piano. Natasha was dancing with Peggy, tango-style, Clint was enjoying the view. Steve was cracking up with Tony and Bruce, Bucky was browsing Loki's books (he had brought along half his library, apparently, and raided Manhattan's bookshops as well), Jane was listening to whatever Kevin was telling her in raptures, and as for Loki, he was nowhere in sight. The room felt so full all of a sudden. Thor joined Steve for a second, until he managed to ask.

"Where's my brother?"

Tony gestured to the front door. Thor gave himself two minutes (and perhaps waited until Jane was distracted) and made a bee line for the door.

He found Loki sat on the front steps, having a fag. Loki turned his head only slightly. He probably recognised Thor by his sheer bulk, or perhaps he just knew. Didn't Thor feel at times that he could always tell Loki was there, or that he wasn't, even when he wasn't looking. He didn't say a thing or give any other signal acknowledging Thor's presence.

There was no traffic, nobody on the street. It was quiet except for the muffled music coming from the house. It wasn't cold, but the air was crisp. There were goosebumps on Loki's arms.

He sat down next to him, and Loki shifted to one side to make some room on the narrow steps. They were close. Loki wasn't looking at him. He just kept on making love to his fag, as he had said. It was a slow and deep one this time. When he had smoked it down to the filter, he discarded it and killed it with a quick turn of his heel. They both stared at the night.

After a beat, Loki turned to face him. Thor kept his eyes on his hands. Loki leaned over, very, very slowly, and kissed his temple, a long, firm kiss. Thor shut his eyes and pushed against it, with a deep exhale. It felt so fucking good, after all they had been through.

Loki pulled back. Thor turned to face him. Loki was the one not looking now, his eyes lost in the darkened street. Thor could not read his expression if his life depended on it. He didn't know what he wanted or did not want to find there. He just wanted to crush him in his arms. And possibly rip his clothes off right there in the middle of downtown Manhattan. Just kissing would be nice. He did nothing, just stared, frozen by the mess in his head.

After a spell, Loki stood up, dusted his arse. Thor shut his eyes heavily, scrubbed them deep. The moment was gone.

Loki's hand entered his field of vision. Thor took it and let Loki pull him up to his feet. But once he was stood up, Thor did not return Loki's hand. He clung onto it as he had done in that hotel in London. He was so fucking done with letting Loki go.

Loki tilted his head, gave him a stare, part interrogation, part knowing, full of challenge. Thor closed his eyes tight, ready to pull him towards him. With what purpose, he wasn't sure.

The door clicked and opened. Thor dropped Loki's hand as if it burned. The light from inside the house fell on them, Jane's voice came too loud and stark, startling him.

"There you two are!"

Thor was shaken. Loki's leer was burning with spite now, a smirk full of derision.

"Nice to see some things don't change," he said, mellifluous. "Excuse me," he said cooly, as he squeezed by Jane.

Jane frowned.

"What was that about?"

Thor sighed and shrugged.

"Loki," he said.

The twinkling of the piano made them both look up. Then Loki's voice, soft, aching.

"Oh my baby baby I love you more than I can tell

I don't think I can live without you

And I know that I never will

Oh my baby baby I want you so it scares me to death

I can't say any more than 'I love you'

Everything else is a waste of breath"

Thor stood at the door and listened, horrified. The song went on, getting angrier and angrier, Loki's voice breaking into rags.

"I'm not ashamed to say I cried for you

I want you

I want to know the things you did that we do too

I want you

I want to hear she pleases you more than I do

I want you

I might as well be useless for all it means to you

I want you

Did you call her name out as she held you down

I want you

Oh no, my darling, not with that clown

I want you"

Now the song was quieter, Loki's voice softer.

"I want you

You've had your fun you don't get well no more

I want you

No-one who wants you could want you more"

The song ended with a threadbare whisper of a voice, a note of the piano here and there, haunting.

"I want you

Every night when I go off to bed and when I wake up

I want you

I want you

I'm going to say it once again 'til I instil it

I know I'm going to feel this way until you kill it

I want you

I want you

I want you"

The whole party was silent as it had not been all night, transfixed, enthralled. That had not been a cabaret rendition of a light standard, that had come from the gut, somewhere dark, and deep, and terrible.

Tony broke the ice.

"Sweetheart, you can have me any time. In fact, have me now." He sounded completely besotted.

Thor made himself look on as Tony kissed Loki, with more warmth than heat, and Loki kissed him back, eyes closed, taking comfort in it in a way Thor had not fucking seen coming from their previous interactions. The ugly thing that shifted and stabbed his insides then must have shown in his face. He was suddenly aware of Jane's eyes on him, and her deep frown. Thor's heart was pounding so hard he feared everyone in the room would be able to hear it.

"Awesome!" said Steve, clapping. Everybody joined in, and at least the tense, bristled atmosphere dissolved somewhat. Thor noticed Natasha observing Loki with a pointed squint, and for the first time in his life, Thor wondered who else knew.

He walked to the kitchen, consciously pacing himself not to run. He poured himself a glass of water and downed it in one gulp. He tried to slow down his breathing. He was feeling sick.

After that, Jane followed him down the corridor to the bathroom. Thor very nearly shut the door in her face. He didn't. He splashed his neck.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

Thor towelled himself a lot longer than it took to get dry.

"Can we go?" he said, after some time.

Jane bit her lip.

"Sure." She put her hand on his arm, stroked hesitantly. "Are you alright?"

"Loki, Thor and Jane are leaving!" shouted Tony in the general direction of the door to the backyard, where Loki had exiled himself after his musical interlude.

Loki came in through the kitchen. Natasha walked in right after and perched on a corner to observe.

"Jane, it's been a pleasure," said Loki, not sounding strained or weird. Well, he was a damned fine actor after all. He was possibly transferring the joy he felt at seeing the back of them into his goodbye. He kissed her cheek, which Jane accepted stiffly, and offered a polite little smile she returned.

Now Thor. Loki offered his hand, his fucking hand, for a shake. Thor stood there like an idiot, staring at it. A fucking handshake. After that fucking show. After ripping Thor to fucking shreds and leaving him bleeding.

Damn it all to hell. He went to give him the hug he owed them both. Loki flinched away and stared at him with reproach.

Thor clenched his jaw, wanting to roar. That fucking hurt. He had fucking metal in his throat from the anger, from the pain. He wanted to fucking smash Loki's head against the wall, is what he wanted.

Fuck. He had wanted a hug.

He hooked one hand around Loki's neck and pulled him close for a kiss. On the cheek. Perfectly innocent, if a bit more forceful than usual, up until the point when he couldn't fucking let go. When he did manage, he couldn't look at his brother.

That was all. That was all he had. No goodbyes, no see you's, nothing. He turned around and climbed down the steps, with Jane in tow. He knew she struggled to keep up with his longer strides, but it took a while to make himself calm the fuck down and wait for her to catch up with him. She didn't look too chuffed with him when she did.

"What was that all about," she would say a bit later, on the taxi.

Thor shook his head, rubbed his eyes tiredly. He had lost all his steam by then. He felt vacant, exhausted.

"Do we have to talk now?" he replied.

"We don't have to talk at all," she muttered, bitterly.

For the umpteenth time that night, Thor felt like smashing his fists against a wall and roaring.

*

"Are you alright, pet?" said Tony after they had all left. It wasn't too late.

Loki sighed, slumped on the couch, nursing the dregs of his last drink. Tony sat beside him.

"Do you think you could fuck me through the mattress all night until I don't know what my name is?" asked Loki, eyes on his drink.

"Do you have to ask?" said Tony, pulling the hair off Loki's face.

"Do your worst," said Loki putting down his glass.