Falling in love

No one is ever too young to love.

The amount of love you give might break you but also make you stronger.Dont be afraid to love.

~Humeyra

When you have nightmares on your depressing thoughts, when you can't spend a day without thinking of your future with him, when you can't imagine a life with him out of the picture, how does it feel? When you don't know what to do any more, when you are scared of losing yourself in love, when you fell the walls closing up on you, when you feel that your heart aches for someone and that you are the cause of someone's heart break, what do you do?

Soon it became a habit to chat with Hamden over the phone that I forgot about the results from the hospital. A few days ago, my doctor called to inform me that my left kidney is almost failing due to the fall I had some time back and that I would have to undergo surgeries from time to time. At first I was scared but then talking to Hamdan had made me forget my health issues.

It was one of those days where I was back after my first dialysis session. I was feeling extremely weak and vulnerable but I didn't want to sleep before talking to Hamdan hence I sent him a text message.

My love: Asalamu aleikum warahmatullahi wabarakatu Hamdi.

Meyra: Wa aleikum salaam Humeyra. How are you doing today?

My love: Alhamdulillah. Hamdan, would you miss me when I am gone? I mean when am no longer in this world?

Meyra: Astaghfirullah. Humeyra why do u ask such a question

My love: because we shall all die one day and I wouldn't be able to live in a world without you Hamdan. I will remain a living body with a dead soul.

He didn't reply to my last text. I was so weak and under the influence of drug that I didn't pay much attention to it and just slept off. Though Hamdan knew that I was ill he didn't know what my illness was about.

The next day I found Hamdan's message that left me breathless and heartbroken. It read:

"Dear Humeyra, I would like to be your friend but we cannot continue like this. What we are doing is against our deen and I feel so guilty just talking to you. I hope you understand but I think we should stop communicating from now on. And if you die, I will miss you, but wal iyadhu billah. I would be graduating in a week's time and I won't be around to look after you. Please take care of yourself for me."

I couldn't stop my tears from falling. He is leaving me too. Ya Allah how did it come to this? When did I give him the power to break me ya Rabb? When did I lose my heart to him? No. nooooooo! Noo! Not again ya Rabb. Please don't leave me Hamdan. I love you so much. At this point I felt delirious and hysterical with panic and fear. I cried the whole day. I got even weaker from the after math of the dialysis session that I went through the previous day. Hamdan, please stay with me. Please don't leave me. In my grief for his love, I forgot my health and became weaker. I knew the rules of ikhtilat by heart since my beloved ummi (mother) took a lot of time teaching me about it. I knew very well that no matter how much I have been cheating my soul to feel better about being lonely, the truth shall always remain that what I was doing with Hamdan was haram (prohibited in Islam).As a learned muslima I knew that by heart and could write a book about why it was haram but my desires weakened my soul.Yesternyt was to a great degree tough on me.

I cried myself to sleep. The feeling of helplessness was very real to an extent it suffocated me Do you ever feel like the world is against you? Like you have nothing to live for? Do you ever think that you are useless? May be a baggage? Yester night I felt all that and more but there was no one to comfort and hold me as I cried myself to a point of exhaustion. Those I never acknowledged and forgot about at that moment were there though. If only I knew, but again it's never too late to know .Today, I woke up stronger, wiser, and even more matured if I could put it that way. I cried the whole night but I smiled today. I mean who wouldn't smile to the brightness of the sun? I felt braver, dare I say bolder.

I thought that I had people I can call my own. I knew I had strength that I have never Know. I mostly lied to myself that my will was stronger that it was yesterday. I knew that I have a loyal lover of them All. I have Him my mighty creator. Yesterday is not today, I thought. Yet no one told me that yesterday's pain was nothing compared to today's heartache. Finally, my roommate decided to step in and help me. She reminded me of my creator and advised me to confess my feelings to Hamdan which will consequently help me get the closure I needed. She held me for a long time in her arms that day. I come up with a plan to meet him on the day of his graduation. I also decided to move away from the city and do online studying after my confession if things dint go well. Finally, I decided to prepare my heart for the worst to come. Dear creator, why does everyone leave me? My parents bleeding form suddenly appeared in front of my eyes and the tears started a fresh. That day was one of the darkest for me for all the dark past I buried came rushing back to my head like a tsunami. I was deranged the whole day that the doctor decided to sedate me to put me to sleep. I fell asleep thinking of the doom tomorrow would bring and for a moment wished that I won't wake up to see tomorrow .It was strange how he knew that I was not feeling well but didn't know the exact problem, Was the last thought on my mind before I drifted off to yet another restless night's sleep.