Douluo Dalu: Moonlight Silver Lotus

Hayashi Kaito, was the definition of a stereotype ordinary guy, he was never the strongest nor the smartest so he doesn't have the brains and brawns making him average both talent and looks .

At least that is what he likes to think always telling himself that he can never accomplish anything

But when did everything started to start falling apart from the ideal image that of himself and the world?

Simple.

He had changed different from the person used to be before giving up despite being once called a genius and having enough opportunities to succeed but he ruined them all

Maybe I should stop referring to my self from a third person perspective not like it matters anymore It is already the past nothing that I can change from ignoring my emotions when I was bullied in elementary escaping from the problem by transferring to another school in highschool

At that time I no longer have my drive always doing things in my comfort zone having a hard time to adapt to my environment nothing too serious I have stopped making my own decisions letting other people decide for me

Going with the flow not trying my hardest to succeed and accomplish anything but become someone ordinary or average take your pick but all I have been doing is delaying the inevitable

So when I become a senior high school student life starts to lose to colors and meaning pretending that I am okay that when I finally reached my limit I started to stop attending classes going to computer shops to read novels online trying to escape from reality and continuing to ignore what I truly feel distracting myself to lock away all my emotions and thoughts pretending to go to school even though I didn't 

After a few weeks it is discovered by my parents from my advisor from there I attending classes unaware that the all I have locked away is starting to be released.

Fortunately I still passed my grade 11 and continued to grade 12 still not doing my best nor having motivation doing this just for the sake of doing it .

I started having problems in my health suddenly collapsing or having problems breathing not being able to attend some classes but I think it didn't matter if I am there that I am not needed and the world will be better without me sure my friends try to comfort me but I don't completely open up myself to them so they really can't help me

Not really preparing for my entrance exam for university that happened during my grade 12 days after that I resumed going to classes doing my everyday routine note despite having friends I prefer to be alone not really interacting with other people unless I need to

Until the start of the lockdown from the pandemic of COVID 19 that I started discovering more about myself that I am a failure being given chances but let them escape, continuing to berate myself every single day and that my life has no meaning that it will be better if I just die or disappeared

Having a hard time sleeping, always lacking energy and full of stress but to make things worse sometimes I have nightmares about another version of myself killing me or have problems breathing happening at random times

Oh God give me another chance and I'll live life not having any regrets and losing it's meaning so my motivation to chase after my own goal or dream

I guess it is time to sleep hen finally, sleeping going to the world called dreams…

When I awoke this morning, I found myself in a stark white room.

Really, it's so white that it's impossible to tell where the walls and ceiling are.

Whether it's a narrow space or a wide space is also vague. Just looking at it is unsettling.

Everything was too white; even the boundary between the floor and the wall wasn't clearly distinguishable.

"So you have finally awoken, new reincarnator."

"Haa… Good morning."

"… You give a lighthearted response."

No, I just woke up badly. My head isn't working just yet.

For now, I'll just ask this disembodied voice some questions.

"Where am I?"

"This is the reincarnation room. Honestly I didn't think it will matter that much if you lack motivation but have purpose ."

The cause of your death was sleep apnea.

Sleep apnea syndrome.

It's that, where you just stop breathing in your sleep… right?

"You usually aren't supposed to die from sleep apnea though. It just raises your risk of cerebrovascular disorders and heart diseases.

Normally when you die, you either go directly to heaven or hell. But this department handles soul that falls under certain categories how would you say… passionless because every person good or bad have a certain intention that we can call passion but yours mostly belong to the passionless .

Our department goal is to reincarnate souls and enjoy life in a different place without worries and regrets Still, your death was indirectly caused by sleep apnea. Really, the upper management does sloppy work… Anyways, you died. Got it?"

"Haa, I understand."

"Passionless… is it?"

I'm really that hopeless sure I know that I struggle with enjoying my life and finding my motivation to create my own decisions and goals but listening to another person telling me that really hurts

"Listen up, a passionless soul is basically one that does not fit in with its world. Have you ever felt it? The feeling that your perception of reality and your surroundings were disjointed?"

"I have, but isn't it normal for everyone to experience that at least once?"

Because everyone is different, I assume it's normal for everyone to be confused or disappointed by the difference between each other's thoughts trying to defend myself and ignore that the truth hurts

"You are just strange. There are not that many who have your level of passionlessness."

…. You're not praising me, are you?

"From what I understand, because I was born in the wrong world, you set up a plan to have me be reborn in a more appropriate one, right?"trying to distract her to have a recollection of my own thoughts

"Don't call it a plan. Instead of a plan, it's more like cleaning up after ourselves… an apology for sending your soul to the wrong world."

"Haa…."

Basically, if I reincarnate, I might be able to find the motivation to do things or a reason to live.

I don't know if it's okay for me to say this, but I really am a human that destroyed my own motivation. Is it really that easy for people to change…?

Even if I think about it, I think it is unfair a lot of other people deserve this chance more than but is it possible for someone like me to have another chance

" Don't worry about it because it have by decided to grant you Yin Cultivation Method and Moonlight Waterfall Lotus Vi from the Yin Physique but thanks to your karma you will be able to retain your memories just live your own life and find out what is your motivation because this is your second chance and you will be reincarnated in douluo dalu"