To dream a gender..

I think it happen when I was in middle school. It was the first time I had heard the word trans be associated with someone my age. Although he didn't look like me, for some reason I just couldn't take my eyes off him. He was funny, and spoke with a confidence that, made you second guess yourself even when you were right. I think that's maybe why it was so easy to talk to him. Well, that and the fact that I thought everyone was an extension of myself.

The more we talk the more I got curious. When did you know? How did you feel when you found out? Was it hard to except? All these questions filled my head. So of course I went online and what I found changed me so much. Up until that point I thought it was completed normal to feel trapped in your body. I thought of course, everyone pretends they're someone else one's they get older. Society puts you in a box and you better not get out our you'll make your mom cry. Or worse, she'll be disappointed. It was so scary but I knew what I was feeling was really. The way I cried simply looking in the mirror as the thoughts filled my head.. "This body isn't mine", I could hear him crying... Inside me layed a boy, so scared and alone. He was waiting for me to finally take his hand and see him.

One of the earliest memories from childhood I have is of me jumping off a building. I remember I was playing prince, it was a game I made up so that I could be the boy in the story. I'd go on many adventures with a girl that was much braver then me. She was so strong and confident. I was reckless which made her laugh. We were always on a mission to find this person that was always so far from us. Maybe that was my brains way of trying to make sense of how I was feeling. Or maybe it was just my wild imagination creating a world where I could be myself. I remember not really seeing gender. I mean, I knew what I was taught, girls pink, boy blue. But I was green, sometimes blue, sometimes purple. I was completely fine with it. But I knew others weren't. So in that moment, when I made a post talking about how I think I like when people mistake me as a guy. It came to no surprise how light I felt when instead of doubting or shaming me. People said " maybe demi boy? ", and " I was there once, take your time and find you". For nights I cried, so afraid to take his hand. Unsure or what to do next,if I took his hand it would be hard and a long journey. But if I ignored him, I'd probably not last long. And against my better judgement I stopping thinking. I just did. I tried out a name and using all pronouns.

For nights on end I wondered who I was and what I even felt like to me.

I would dream of being in a body that had boy parts in boy places. The change in my voice, the way I walked, how my body was shaped.. Everything.

Not much change but so much change at the same time.

There's always a hesitation in me to speak openly about it ya know.

How do you explain to someone that you knew before you even knew what and who you were.

How do you explain dreaming a gender to someone that never had to....

Well anyways, those are just my thoughts.

-L