The Scent of Paul Sebastian

Allie sat at the bar in Muldoon's. A familiar scent invaded her senses.

"No, it couldn't be. It's not like he is the only person on earth that wears that cologne. Paul fucking Sebastian," she said under her breath. Then she heard it."

Are you a parking ticket? Because you got the word fine written all over you," a deep voice said.

"Shawn Blackwell?" she asked. "Is that you?" She turned around, and there were those aqua-green eyes.

He opened his arms to present himself. "The one and only."

"What the fuck are you doing here, Shawn?"

"I heard that you were working in C-town, so I thought I would try to find you. Word around the firehouse is that this beautiful cop hangs out at a place called Muldoon's... or Jake's... But I was told never to go there because it's a cop bar."

"God. What has it been like a decade?" she asked.

"Yeah, somewhere around there."

"So, what are you doing here?"

"I actually am here for a job. You remember Craig Swan?" he asked.

"Hmm, Swan," her face looked like she was trying to recall the name. "I met him at that chili cookoff."

"Something like that," he said.

"And he hit on me. I thought he was extremely attractive."

"That comment was unnecessary."

"In hindsight, I should have taken him up on his offer."

"Again, completely unnecessary," he said.

She smiled in satisfaction. She was not going to be the one to bring up the night at Hook and Ladder. It's better to let sleeping dogs lie even though the dog was barking inside of him.

"So, a job, huh? How does Craig Swan know about CFD vacancies?"

"Well, CFD hired him last year and told me they are looking for a new fire captain in one of the houses. I'm surprised that you have never seen him."

"There are twenty-five stations and approximately 775 employees. So, the chances of me seeing someone I haven't seen in over ten years without them specifically looking for me are slim to none. I wished he had tracked me down."

"Are you being serious right now?"She smiled from the corner of her mouth.

"Would you like to sit down?" she asked.

"Sure. Thanks. I was hoping you would ask since I have been coming in here for the past couple of weeks, hoping to catch you at some point.

"Stalker much? Can I get you a drink?" She waved Charlie down and ordered more shots and a couple more beers.

"Still doing tequila and a platinum. I see. Some Things never change."

"And some things do."

"Have you changed?" he asked.

"I don't know. I have never known who I really am. Moving around as a kid, I was always someone else so I could fit in. I became someone who protected people and yelled at people to create the ultimate fighter to someone who has killed people. I've been through 18 months of deployment in four years. I watched four of my brothers die literally in front of me. I saw young girls raped and murdered. I'm sure whoever I am has changed, but I never knew me to begin with."

"Oh my God, Allie, I am so sorry. I am so thankful you made it through alive."

She took a couple of the shots and drank down her beer. "Between me, you, and the barstool, sometimes the survivor's guilt is nearly crippling. I'm almost sure I bought my therapist a new BMW with how many times I went to see her. Thank God for coping mechanisms," she said. "Hey, look, there's one right there!" She took a shot."Let's change the subject."

"So, are you seeing anyone?" he asked.

"Wow, you are just jumping straight in the deep end."

"We can have some more small talk if you want. So, did you ever get married? Or actually, tell someone that you love them?"

"I almost got engaged," she said, taking a drink of her beer.

"Oh, what happened there?"

"I found out Ian had bought me a ring. His mother sent it to me. Remember I told him that I love him? The second guy bled out right in front of me. And I told him I love you while he was sleeping. He didn't even hear me. In his death note, he said it would be to me if he got married. Then my first Sergeant comes to town and tells me that he asked him if he thought I would say yes if he asked."

"So, would you have said yes?"

"Abso-fucking-lutely. I received his flag when he died. Like a wife does, if he had bought a ring, I am sure if his family found it, they would have sold it. So, here I am."

He took a shot and chased it down."Oh my God! Allie, I am so sorry! You may have been on to something about not saying it out loud. But I do need to know: did you ever love me? Would you have ever taken the chance and said it?"

She looked into his eyes, and the past came flooding back. "Shawn, I loved you. I really loved you. I can say that now because there is no chance that you will die. My love is in the past," she said.

"Wow, I never thought I would hear those words in any form come out of your mouth. But my love for you will never be past tense," he said, trying to put his hand on hers.

"I am sorry. I wish I did. Those thirteen months meant everything to me. You, Shawn, meant everything to me," she said. "But finding out who you were made getting over you a tad bit easier. But it still wasn't easy." She dropped her head and started playing with her fingers.

"How did you know I was seeing her, and she wasn't just a co-worker or something? Was it just because she called?" he asked.

"Well, there was the fact that she had told me she was your girlfriend."

"Oh."

"And then there was the fact that you talk really loudly, and I heard you through the door, Baby doll," she said. "The bartender at the bar told me the rest of the story. No wonder you had the wedding photo hidden."

"Fuck. I am so sorry, Allie. I did you really dirty. I said some shit that was harsh and unnecessary. I wanted you to leave without an argument."

"No, instead, I left you on the floor with a busted nose and two broken ribs, not to mention spit on your face," she said.

"Yes, trust me, I remember. You almost ruined my perfect face."

"I would say I am sorry, but I really meant to. I didn't do it by accident."

"I see you haven't changed much."

"I see you still are a tad vain. I no longer put people through tables. I guess I changed as far as that is concerned."

"That's good," he said.

"I prefer walls. Less give." Another shot down, one more to go.

"And you never got married. Shocker. I do have a question."

"Are you going to propose finally?" she asked.

"I just need to know. It's been killing me for years. Would you have said yes if I had asked you to marry me?"

"Did you get married again?"

"Actually, yes, I did."

"Congratulations. Who's the unlucky girl?"

"It was Darcie," he said.

"Holy shit! I thought she left you after we had split." She finished her shots and ordered a few more.

"She did. We ended up getting back together a couple of years later."

"Were you dating someone at the time she came back?"

"Yeah. How did you know?" Allie asked.

"You really don't know? Regardless, like I said, congratulations."

"We're divorced."

"Oh, so... like I said...congratulations?"

"It was for the best. I don't think her boyfriend liked me very much. Allie, what do you know that I don't know?"

She put up her index finger and drank her shot and beer. "She only dates guys who are in a relationship. Then, after she gets bored, she moves on. They called her the black widow."

"No. That's not true. How would you know that anyway?"

"Because Swan and I went out a few times. He told me all about her. However, I did hear the rumors. He's a sweetheart, but we wanted different things. So, we went separate ways," she said.

"Are you serious?"

"Why would I lie?"

"I don't know to make me jealous."

"Why would I care if you were jealous?" she remarked. "How long were you married before karma bit you in the ass?"

"We just celebrated our fifth anniversary."

"How long have you been divorced?"

"Around three years," he said.

"How did you find out? Did he call, and you answered the phone?"

"No. We had been trying to have a baby, and I found her birth control pills and condoms. She didn't want to get pregnant by me or the boyfriend. We had no reason to use a condom if we were trying to have a kid. So, she went on the pill, and we got to the point where we were having sex four times a month, and that was when she was supposed to be ovulating."

"How long was she stepping out on you before you knew it?" she asked.

"Not sure, but if I gauge it by our sex life, it had to be going on for at least six months."

"Did you have a feeling something was wrong?"

"When I first found the pills, I thought maybe they were old, but the next month, when I looked where she kept them, it was a new pack," he said.

"Did you confront her right away?"

"No. I tried hard to do things to make her happy and show how totally committed I was to our marriage. After two months, I finally gave up. My attempts annoyed her, not making her happy."

She took down the shots and had another half-beer. "So, what did you do?"

"Well, I put a pinhole in all the condoms," he said.

"Real mature. Funny as fuck but very immature."

"Thanks. I took her pills and popped out every other day's worth. At first, she didn't say anything, but when I did it again the next month, she finally came clean."

"How did that go?" she asked.

"About as well as to be expected. Darcie denied it at first. She said she got cold feet about having a baby, so she went on the pill. And I asked her about the condoms. She said they were old, and I said good because if you use them, they all have holes. When she turned white as a ghost, I told her to stop lying and level with me. His name is Chad. Chad, what kind of name is Chad?"

"It means protector or defender in the English origin, or in the Welsh, it means battle. It's actually a pretty badass name. Would you like to know what yours means?"

"How do you know this shit?"

"I drink from the fountain of useless knowledge. I rock at bar trivia night. And there is a lot of downtime when you are on deployment, so I educated myself with interesting materials." She took another shot.

"Last I heard, they got married and have two kids. She's a trophy wife, and he's a plastic surgeon or something like that."

"It hurts, doesn't it? Betrayal by someone who you love deeply really fucks with a person's psyche," she said.

"Yes. That's one of the reasons I wanted to find you while I was here. I really wanted to apologize and tell you how much I loved you and how stupid I was." Shawn finished his shots and beer.

Allie ordered another round."I am over it, but a piece of me ached for a long time afterward. You were a cocksucker, and I fantasize about beating you and Darcie to death with my bare hands."

"Damn, Allie. So, I take it that you don't accept my apology," he said.

She laughed and finished her drinks. "I guess I do. The fact she fucked you over makes me feel better."

"That was a little harsh... but I deserved it. So, you never told me if you have a boyfriend, a fiancé, or maybe a girlfriend. Please tell me you have a girlfriend and that I can watch."

"You are still kind of an ass. You know that, don't you?"

"I'm aware of the possibility that I may be," he said with a smile. She laughed, and his face got serious." Allie, would you have married me?"

"What about that bartender? She had red hair and green eyes. Oh, what's her name?"

"Are you stalling? You don't seem to want to answer the question," he asked.

"Which one?"

"Both."

"Yes."

"Are you doing this on purpose?" he asked.

"Yes. And I would have married you in a heartbeat. I loved you. All you had to do was ask."

"All you had to do was say I love you."

"I would have said it at our wedding. But when I asked if you would ever get married again, I got are you fucking kidding me as your answer," Allie said.

"All you had to do was say it."

"So, you could have died tragically like the others?"

"You don't know that."

"Neither do you," she said.

"How about that? Are you dating anyone question?"

She didn't know what to say to him. She and Alex weren't really a thing. She had passed her solo and was now a full-fledged officer, but they couldn't date. The problem was how much she thought about him.

"No. Yes. Honestly, I don't know. There has been someone, but we really can't be together. I just don't know."

"That doesn't sound much like you. If you want something, you always go for it. And if I remember correctly, you get it."

"It's not that I can't get him; it's more a matter of circumstances and timing," she said.

"You are even more beautiful than I remember. I do look at our pictures together every so often. Do you ever think of me?"

"Sometimes I think of the sex. Remember that first night we spent together?"

"Oh my god, that was one of the greatest nights of my life. I have never made anyone come as hard as I made you," he gushed.

"We had a lot of good nights. But that was epic." They were slowly getting closer. She had found herself touching his arm, and his hand had brushed against hers on more than one occasion. They looked into each other's eyes. The attraction was still there.

"Can I see you with your hair down? Will you let me run my fingers through it? I loved it when you wore it down."

She reached up and pulled her clip out of her hair. The long locks tumbled down, and the smell of cherries filled his nostrils. It brought back so much to him. He ran his fingers through her hair, and his fingers gently brushed against her cheek. Chills ran down her spine. It was a warm, familiar feeling—like that sweatshirt you forgot about in the back of the closet that you found out of nowhere.

"I want to kiss you, Allie. I have regrets. Losing you is the biggest one."

"I don't think that is the smartest thing to do. We shouldn't go there," she said. I am not sure I can control myself.

She stood up, pulled her cash out of her pocket, and paid for her tab."It's really nice to see you again. I do hope that you get the job and enjoy Cleveland."

"I did get the job. I have been here for the past two months. So, I am going to be around. I want to be around you, maybe tomorrow around dinner time?"

"Are you asking me out?" she said.

"I am. Maybe we can revisit some things..."

"I will go to dinner with you."

"When and where should I pick you up?" he asked.

"How about you pick a place, and I can just meet you there."

"Do I at least get your number?"

"Sure. Give me your phone," she said, putting out her hand.

He handed her his phone. His screen-saver photo was of them from a long time ago. She wasn't sure what to make of it.

He snatched the phone back from her. "Oh shit. God, I am so embarrassed. I told you that I have been thinking of you."

She handed her phone to him. "Here. You can put your number in mine," she said.

He looked at her screen saver."Who is the guy?"

"He was my best friend and, eventually, the absolute love of my life. He took your slot," she said.

"I am happy you were able to find that," he said. He handed her the phone back.

They walked outside together. "I'm not free till next week. I'll text you with the day and see you then," she said.

"Are you sure I can't see you anymore tonight?"

He looked deep into her eyes. God, his eyes were amazing.

"I love you, Allie. Always have and always will."

"Shawn, I---"

He interrupted her by pressing his mouth against hers. At first, she just stood there stiffly, not reciprocating—at least not until he put his hand on her cheek and cradled her face. She melted into him. He put his arm around her and pulled her in. His body felt so good, and he smelled amazing. Finally, she came to her senses. She put her hand on Shawn's chest and pushed herself off him.

"Nope. This is not going to happen right now. You would have never stepped out on me if you loved me."

"I was a twenty-seven-year-old boy. I didn't realize what I had," he said.

"Now you're a thirty-seven-year-old man-boy. What gets me is that you knew what Ian did to me, and you cheated on me anyway. I told you to call things off if you ever felt the undeniable urge to cheat. Or you should have the second after you hooked your hose up to another hydrant."

"You always did have a way with words, except for the words "I love you."