Reincarnated as the Villainess’s Unlucky Bodyguard

In her twenty-three years of ordinary, painfully average life, Liria Fogweather had never suspected that her most significant achievement would be getting hit by a... toaster. Not just any toaster, mind you, but one that was launched from a tenth-story balcony in a moment of mid-breakup rage. One second, she was walking to the bus stop, minding her own business, and the next wham! Death by kitchen appliance.

Well, that's how she ended up in this bizarre situation: reincarnated in a new world, in the body of a scrappy little girl with arms like noodles and a wardrobe straight out of "medieval orphan chic." She'd barely opened her eyes when she realized something was off. Mainly the fact that her small, fragile body was crouched in what looked like the ruins of an abandoned temple. 

"Where... am I?" she muttered, glancing around in confusion. Her new voice was small and high-pitched, which felt even weirder than the dusty smell of the place.

"Oh, wonderful," she muttered to herself, looking down at her thin, shaky limbs. "Just what I've always dreamed of waking up as a malnourished toddler in the middle of nowhere. Next thing you know, they'll be telling me I'm the Chosen One."

But before she could even stand, an ominous noise broke through her thoughts: footsteps. And they sounded... unfriendly.

Liria barely had time to think when a group of figures appeared at the temple's entrance. She could make out glinting armor, long blades, and expressions that screamed professional goon. She swallowed. Not the best look for a first day in another world.

"Oh, look, fresh meat," sneered one of the thugs, his face a patchwork of scars and bad decisions.

"Fresh meat? Do I look like a snack to you?" Liria spat, instinctively backing up. She had no idea where the words came from somehow, this new world had turned her sarcasm dial up to eleven.

But her bravado didn't get her far. The thug advanced, his dagger glinting menacingly in the dim light. "You've got a big mouth for someone who looks like she'd lose an arm-wrestling match to a wet noodle."

"Oh, yeah?" she shot back, hoping to sound tougher than she felt. "Well, you look like someone who got dressed in the dark and then fell face-first into a porcupine. Who are you, exactly? The mayor of Creepyville?"

The thug's face twisted in anger, and he lunged forward. Liria's mind raced. She had all the fighting skills of a dust bunny. This is it, she thought. I'm going to get double-killed.

And then… something extraordinary happened.

As if responding to her desperate plea, a cold, metallic voice echoed in her head.

[Welcome, new user. You appear to be moments away from meeting an untimely end. Would you like assistance in not dying?]

Liria blinked. "Uh… yes, please? And make it fast!"

The system's voice hummed in approval. [Activating Beginner Survival Protocol. Initiating "Smack First, Ask Questions Later" skill.]

Without warning, Liria felt a sudden jolt of energy surge through her. Her hands balled into fists, and, much to her surprise, she lashed out, landing a solid punch square on the thug's nose. He stumbled back, shocked.

"Holy biscuits!" she muttered, watching him reel. "Did I just—did I just punch a grown man?"

[Correction: A below-average goon with a bad track record for personal hygiene.]

"Oh, so I guess you're my inner voice now? I was hoping for something a bit more... Zen."

[Incorrect. I am the System. I will provide skills, guidance, and general reminders that you are one scrawny child who should be careful.]

"Great. I have a system with an attitude problem," she muttered under her breath.

[And I have a user with an impressive talent for getting herself into life-or-death situations within five minutes of reincarnation.]

Liria rolled her eyes, even as the other goons looked from her to their dazed friend, clearly re-evaluating their "easy target" assessment. "Alright, System, what's next? Do I get some epic fireball spell to roast these bozos?"

[Negative. User currently possesses only one skill: "Slap of Survival," cooldown thirty seconds. Suggested action: Run.]

"But—"

[Run, you squishy twig, before they snap you like a breadstick!]

With a reluctant sigh, Liria took off, her bare feet pounding against the cold stone floor as she darted toward the temple's nearest exit. Behind her, the thugs shouted and gave chase.

Her heart pounded in her chest as she bolted, darting around corners and dodging columns. "This wasn't exactly what I pictured when I imagined a second chance at life," she muttered. "More like second chance at becoming a meat pie!"

[Correction: You're actually managing to survive quite well, statistically speaking.]

"Not helping, System."

[Would it help to remind you that if you're caught, you'll probably be made into a human throw rug?]

Liria groaned as she ducked down a narrow passageway. "I'm about to be murdered, and I have to deal with a sassbot as my only ally."

She turned another corner, only to find herself at a dead end. "Oh, you have got to be kidding me," she moaned, pressing her back against the cold stone wall as the goons' footsteps grew closer. "System, any last words of advice?"

[Yes: Try not to look like you're panicking. You're making it embarrassingly easy for them.]

The thugs rounded the corner, grinning as they advanced on her. Liria braced herself, clenching her fists. "Alright, you oversized lumps of lard. You want a fight? Well, I've got… a mildly threatening glare and… a fist that might make you feel an ounce of discomfort."

The leader scoffed. "You're one mouthy little brat, aren't you?"

"Oh, you have no idea." She took a deep breath, hoping she wouldn't sound as terrified as she felt. "Last chance to back off, you pig-faced buffoons. I've got a powerful, mysterious force on my side."

[Note: Exaggeration detected.]

"Shut up, System!" she hissed, even as the thugs moved closer.

The System's voice cut through, sounding oddly proud. [Executing emergency "Peppery Slap." Aim carefully.]

Liria's hand shot out, smacking the thug in the face with surprising force. His eyes watered as he stumbled back, clutching his cheek in shock.

"Oh, that's it," the goon snarled. "You're dead meat!"

But just as they lunged, the ground beneath Liria's feet gave way. With a yelp, she tumbled down a narrow chute, the world spinning as she was plunged into darkness.

When she finally stopped tumbling, Liria found herself in yet another dusty, dimly-lit room, thankfully alone. She groaned, rubbing her sore limbs.

"Great. I'm trapped in a dungeon with a voice that won't stop nagging."

[Correction: You are now in a temporary reprieve zone. And I'm not "nagging." I'm instructing.]

"Yeah, sure. Thanks for the amazing help, by the way. Next time, remind me to slap my way out of mortal danger sooner."

[Happy to assist, Liria. Next time, try not to dive headfirst into a goon convention, perhaps?]

She sighed ."Alright, System. Let's see how much trouble I can survive tomorrow."