understand yourself, understand others

Kindness is not flirting. Someone is kind to you simply because they genuinely want to be kind to everyone. That doesn't mean you are special for that person.

Attention is not love. They are just a good listener or they simply pity you. If you think being noticed by someone is a sign that they love you, then stop thinking like that before you regret it.

Silence is not anger. Sometimes when someone who is usually cheerful suddenly becomes quiet, it may make you think that they are angry. However, not everyone is like that, there are many other factors you can observe to reconsider what they are feeling at that moment. Maybe they just need some time alone.

Tears are not weakness. In fact, people who cry are strong. Because crying doesn't mean they give up on something. Perhaps they just want to release the burden of emotions they have been carrying to feel a little better afterwards.

These are just my theories, and there are many other things, all filled with ambiguity. There is no theory that can accurately be used to decipher the meaning behind a person's behavior. Therefore, judging a person solely based on first impressions and determining their personality right away is an arrogant act.

Humans are not a god who knows everything and controls someone's fate. Humans cannot become gods, yet humans always feel like they are gods. It's ironic because even I often do the same thing.

And one of those times was when I first saw Beatrice. Her strange behavior around others when we were kids turned out not to be from herself. But there were other factors that made her appear that way.

I was right when I guessed that Beatrice was someone lonely. But she's not, she is Humans of the same kind as mine only at that time. Because afterwards, she tried to rise above the incident that happened to her that day.

"Hey Beatrice, back when you stayed at my house when we were kids. Why did you always look sad?"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"You seemed lonely even though surrounded by the laughter of other kids playing with you. It has made me curious all this time."

"Oh... That... It's because my dog died. The reason I seemed scared of you at that time was also because of that. Because usually, Coni always watched over me and made me feel safe at all times. But right before my parents went out of town, Coni died. Loneliness started to creep into me, I also became more sensitive towards others because Coni, who always watched over me, was gone. But slowly I realized that I couldn't always be like this. And there are other things that also helped me overcome my loneliness."

"What are those other things?"

"You."

That conversation took place when we started to become close in the second year of junior high school. I didn't understand why her hatred was slowly turning into something different.

She would greet me when I was alone. She would also appear around me for no reason. And she was always attentive to me even in front of others.

If others thought we were two people falling in love, they were wrong. Because Beatrice at that time just wanted to do that as a redemption for the hatred she had harbored towards me all this time.

But honestly, I didn't mind. I just lost my hope in her. It wasn't like I lost something valuable to me. Because from the beginning, hope was just hope, losing something that hadn't materialized wouldn't make me feel broken. It's just... There was a bit of disappointment in my heart. Disappointment from being betrayed by expectations I had created on my own.

But even so, Beatrice remained a kind-hearted person. She was sad because her pet died. It indicated that she had a good heart and was sensitive to her own emotions. And being treated as someone special by a girl made me feel comfortable. Even though the reason was quite disappointing, as long as her intentions were good, I didn't mind it.

Beatrice was the opposite of me, who didn't even understand simple emotions of a human. I understood what others felt. But I didn't understand my own feelings. It didn't mean I didn't have feelings. But sometimes there were complicated feelings in situations that had never occurred, and that confused me.

Like Beatrice, who felt sad when her dog died. Did I also feel sad now after finding out that my grandmother had passed away?

"But if I feel sad, why am I not crying like my little sister and my mother?" I thought after breakfast that day finally ended.

My mother finally regained control of her emotions and started having breakfast with us. My father, being attentive, pampered my mother in various ways he could as a husband.

I felt happy, because I should be happy. I was the odd one out when I didn't feel happy knowing that my family was filled with people who supported each other.

Right now, I am under the bridge near my house. The bridge where I found Liam that day. Every time I look at the water below that bridge, I always remember Liam, who almost drowned but kept trying to swim against the very strong current. If I had been a second late at that time, maybe Liam would never have gotten a name like he does now.

"Be strong, uncle."

"Yes... Thank you, Will."

Slowly I left the place after talking about a few things with a man who lived there.

And now my next destination is a café. Beatrice should be waiting for me there. But as I climbed the stairs to the main road, Beatrice was already at the top of the stairs waiting for me with a smile.

I walked and kept walking towards her. And when I felt my voice could reach her, I began to call out to her.

"Beatrice... What are you doing?"

"Just waiting for a kind-hearted boy."

"What do you mean by saying that, you won't get anything even if you praise me."

"Hehe... As usual, you're always here at this hour on holidays."

"How do you know that?"

" It's Secret," she said with a proud look.

I started walking to head to the café we had agreed on the night before.

"Let's go there quickly."

"Ehh? Aren't you curious? Ask me again!"

"You said it's a secret..."

"Force me!"

"No need if you don't want to."

"Huft... Coward..." Beatrice started following my steps and walked beside me.

"Um, Beatrice..."

"What?"

"This is about what I want to talk about."

"What is it?"

"I want us to remain friends, even if you will be angry with me after this."

"Hoo... What could make me angry? I'm looking forward to it."

"I'm sorry... for suddenly pressuring you like this."

"Don't worry, I know you much better than you think. If you're this serious, then you're really serious. And I already know pretty well what you want to talk about."

"You know?"

"I don't know what it is about, but I know how your mind works. How you see others, how you judge others, how you treat others. I know all of that, because I've always been watching you."

"Yeah... I know..."

"... That's why... I know you also don't intend to make me angry. You're just afraid that I will act the same way as when we were in the music club room, right?"

"Beatrice... How well do you understand me?"

"I've told you before... I've always been watching you... That's why I'm going to say it now. Maybe what you're going to say will hurt, but I won't erupt in anger at you again."

At the end of her words, she smiled gently at me while continuing to walk by my side.

"Thank you... Beako."

Her smile slowly faded in surprise, but she then smiled again while replying, "yeah... You're welcome."

"Yeah..."

"You finally called me Beako again when we met face to face."

"I'll stop if you don't like it."

"No... On the contrary... I want you to keep doing it and not stop like back then."

"Okay... If that's what you want..."

After that, we continued to walk and talk about various things with laughter. Because both of us knew that at the café later, it might be the end of our relationship.

But at this moment, I realized something else. That others even understand me more than I understand myself.

That's why I think I would be sad if my relationship with Beatrice ended. That's why I hope it never happens forever, even after I am honest with her.