Being a Weak Egoist

The ground trembles as I pass, making quite obvious to everyone in which mental state I currently am... Although nothing serious is happening, this could still hurt someone so I better leave the camp for now.

Gripping tightly on my sword I begin to walk toward the trees, lost in thoughts... I don't have hundreds 9f questions in my mind, actually not even a single one. Only anger and disappointed lingers inside my brain now, letting only swear words and crazed yells to echoes inside.

"I'm an idiot... And IDIOT! For thinking so highly of myself, for letting others manipulate me, for doing such a terrible job at investigating, for...! So many things..." I slap myself with strength but that's not enough to ease my regret so I proceed to punch myself in the stomach -Every single time I think I achieved something, it turns for the worse! What dammed curse is this?! I seek freedom and leave home? My mother loose her head because of me... I prove to be a strong soldier? And make my friends feel useless while comparing to me... I obtain powers? I inevitably hurt someone... I rescue a God? They get kidnapped right after... Now I feel completely useless, all this power...-

I rise my hands and fire start dancing on my fingers, coming alive... But dies right after I clench my fists -For nothing! Yes I can fight much better than any man but for what reason? The war will just keep on going and I'll keep on fighting again and again, I cannot remove the source of the problem...

I came to terms with this lonely life of mine, inevitably pushing others away for their safety... Hurting their feelings so not to put their lives in danger, but what's the reason for that at this point if I cannot protect them anyway?!- I rise my sword and thrust it in a tree out of rage, soon after I find myself slicing that tree's wood piece by piece... Once it is all chopped I rise my fist and set it on fire with a grunt, watching the flames as it turns to ashes.

-I must calm down...- I whisper with shaking voice. The red reflection flickering in my eyes and extinguishing as I take some deep breaths, one hand still holding the sword and one pressed over my abdomen... Inhale and exhale, slow and steady -Nothing good will come if I lose control...- the last breath comes out irregular so I reach one hand on a nearby branch -Ah... What a weak brain that I have- rising my free hand I cover my eyes, feeling that burning sensation that I hate so much approaching me.

I bite the inside of my cheek, focusing on the pain to shove back the tears... I'm not sad, I'm frustrated. I don't know what to do and I can't seem to let out my anger out in a safe way... So it's only natural for hysterical tears to build up behind my lids. My eyes falls on the sword laying by my side, I rise it and take it close to my arm -More pain should help me regain my focus...-

Just as I was about to wound my forearm, and hand grabs my wirst and blocks my movements. I stand completely still, waiting for some scolding or any word to be said... But nothing gets spoken, instead two arms circles me and drag me into a tight hug from behind. Dark gray locks enter my vision as his head comes to rest on my shoulder... The sword which was so tightly held in my hand just a moment before falls to the ground like a floating paper sheet and tears wins, falling silently as I bow my head to the ground with gritted teeth...

...

I don't know how much time passed once his arms finally began to loosen up and my tears stopped falling. He straighten up and gently grabbed my shoulders to turn me around, facing him... One thumb comes to catch the little drops trapped in between my lashes, I reach out and hand to cup his own and press mouth shut while staring straight into him. He lowers down and brushes his lips over my lids, it's not a kiss but not just a caress either...

I lean on his hand, almost resting on his palm, and reach my other hand to grab on his reached out arm -I hate this- I murmur, my voice broken and nasal -I hate feeling so weak and crying in your arms, I hate relying on someone's comfort- I gulp down, talking slowly -But why do I keep doing it instead of hiding away like I used to? I don't want you to have this stupid power over me, to soothe me and calm me down... I feel like any other girl and I absolutely hate it-

I close my eyes and tighten my grip on his arm -I'm starting to believe that I'm not really who I thought I was... I feel bad when I hurt others to pursue my goal, I feel overpowered by strong enemies and want you to wipe my tears away whenever I'm loosing my mind... Why is it like this?- I open my eyes again to look at him

-Maybe you're just a very egoistical narcissist- he whisper, half mocking me and half saying the truth... Afterall I'm not perfect and I have flaws too, and if I had to point some out then it would be those indeed.

He drags me closer and softly peak my lips -I hate this too...- I whisper even more quietly than before -I'm not so simple and useless that a kiss can make all my problems disappear like most of those wives, yet I want you to keep on doing it nevertheless...-

-Then just enjoy this form now. If you like it, it's still better than nothing- he sucks on my lower lip and press his forehead over mine -Jusr because most of the peoples do something for a different reason, it doesn't mean you can't replicate the action... Women cry in a man's arms for him to take away their problems, you can cry just because you feel like it since you're capable to solve it all alone... Men kiss their wives to make them feel loved and show off their masculinity, I can kiss you just because you enjoy the feeling... Wives have sex to bear children, you can just do it to feel pleasure and never burden yourself with a kid- he keeps on peaking my lips loudly.

I smile just a tiny bit -You're saying a lot of nonsense today...- -You stopped crying, so it was worth it- -You talk about pleasure, yet we never managed to reach that far...- -One day, I cannot have you yet...- I chuckle at his words and drag him down for a real kiss this time, loud and heated... Not caring about the saliva dripping from our lips or the tired tongues from the constant intertwinings...

He passes an arm under my thighs and rises me off the ground, his other hand crawls from my neck to my hair as his fingers press me closer to him and we stay like this... Tangled to eachother, enjoying the moment only.