Chapter 23: Coping

-Yahizui-

Yahizui should have been happy to go home. No more hospital food, no more unexpected visits from nurses and doctors, no more T&I people lurking outside her door. Surprisingly, Yahizui felt none of that. It was as if she no longer knew what to do with herself. Like she had no purpose. The hospital had given her a routine and had been buzzing with people all the time. Those few days spent there made her value that and now, with just her and Riruka in the house, she was alone; exposed. With her broken leg still in a cast, Yahizui had nothing to do but wait and endure the lack of mobility. She was trapped, unable to act on the constant tension in her body. Yahizui wanted to run, to punch and kick at something until she'd spent all her energy and had no more strength to look at the creatures she now saw in the shadows. She needed to train, to no longer be weak and useless!

Yahizui could do none of those things.

The cup of tea in her hands was getting cold. It was a calming blend made by Riruka, usually beneficial. She didn't want to be calm, didn't need to relax. Her trust and relaxation were what got her captured last time.

Yahizui placed the cup on the wooden table before her and glanced at her guardian. She was powdering plants for a new salve. With nothing better to do and itching to occupy herself with something, Yahizui stood and hobbled toward the woman's working table.

"This is annoying," she huffed, her hands pointing toward her bulky white cast.

Riruka looked away from her work, her eyes twinkling with mirth. "You broke your leg sweety, let it heal."

"Makes no sense! Why do we have medical ninjas that can literally put you back together when they let us heal on our own!" she whined, her eyes wide with distress. "I could have gone to a normal hospital!"

Riruka chuckled, her head shaking gently from side to side. "It's just a broken leg silly, you can't expect them to waste chakra on that. I used to work at the hospital reception in my younger days, and every day we would get one heavily injured ninja into the emergency room. A difficult procedure would take almost the entire chakra of an experienced medic. For those with less experience, they would usually operate in shifts. Tsunade-sama, the chief of the hospital back then, ordered the medics to triage the patients. Those who could heal through normal means would be left to heal naturally or just nudged along with a medical seal. They keep the real deal for the serious cases."

Yahizui imagined a bloodied ninja coming through the doors, needing immediate and intensive care. Compared to that, her broken leg seemed like a scratch. Her shoulders sagged, and she sat down on a nearby chair, her cheeks warm with shame. Riruka was right.

"Can I help?" Yahizui asked.

Riruka's gaze fell upon her, filled with infinite kindness and warmth. "Go ahead!" Riruka motioned to a pile of ginger roots that needed crushing.

Yahizui worked in silence, keeping her hands busy and focused on the task. She allowed the soothing sound of the grinding stone to fill her thoughts and cover up all the background noises that set her on edge. Just had to focus on this and then find something else to focus on. Simple.

The sound of Riruka putting down her mortar and pestle made Yahizui jump, every nerve in her body taut.

"Hizui," Riruka said in a calm tone, luckily unaware of the near heart attack she had caused. "If you ever want to talk about something, anything, I'm here."

Yahizui nodded silently, unwilling to say or do anything else. Not right now. Riruka's kindness and worry meant well, but talking to her about what happened… she couldn't do that. So she tried to smile and relax in the presence of her guardian, focusing on her task and doing her best to not think about the way her hands still shook, the way her heart hammered in her chest.

But the day only kept her so busy, and as night came and the silence of her bedroom pressed on, Yahizui knew she would find no sleep. The shadow of a lonely lamp morphed into a snake waiting to strike, the wind outside a menacing hiss. Every nook and cranny was a monster waiting to pounce on her, every shadow a hand reaching to grab her. She threw her blankets away from her body, their confining grip reminding her too much of rattling chains and chaffing shackles.

With quick moves, she pulled a pair of loose shorts over her cast-encased leg and grabbed the crutch that leaned against the door.

The walk outside took longer than expected, her foot stumbling on the stairs and tripping on the crutch. Each sound she made was amplified by the silence of the house, and Yahizui was sure that Riruka heard her clumsy descent. But if her guardian heard anything, she didn't stop her, didn't come out of her room.

Yahizui's first step outside was exhilarating. Fresh air filled her nostrils, and the pressure of the enclosing walls slowly eased. High above Yahizui's head, the full moon cast its silver rays upon the land, making the rooftops glow and the lake in the distance twinkle. And if she squinted she managed to spot the traditional buildings of the Uchiha district on the other side of it; just barely.

With hobbling steps Yahizui headed toward the lake, enjoying the effort it took to get there. Keeping busy was vital; it kept the shadows at bay; it kept the demons locked away. Each step brought her closer to the sparkling waters of the lake until she saw nothing but water. It was then that Yahizui noticed a lone figure on the other side of the lake, near the Uchiha compound.

Yahizui's heart thrummed in her chest. Who was it? She focused on her chakra, just like Kaito told her, and spread her senses forward just as the person stepped across the water and headed her way. In a few steps, the figure reached her sensor range and the tension in her muscles eased. She knew that chakra.

"You're out late." She smiled at his figure, wondering what kept him out of bed.

"So are you."

"I can't sleep."

"Aa."

On another day, at another time she might have told him that was not an answer; but today she didn't have the strength. Instead, Yahizui lowered herself into the chilled grass, her injured leg stretched forward. By her side, Itachi took a seat, and for a few minutes, they stared at the lake. Yahizui counted the ripples in it and tried to remember when was it she stopped being afraid of water. By her side, Itachi seemed lost in thought, yet his silence and presence were a welcomed addition. She felt safe when she wasn't alone, safe with him by her side.

"How long will you have the cast?" Itachi's voice echoed in the silence between them.

"Another week," said Yahizui. She looked at her leg. It was all encased in plaster from the knee down and wiggled her toes.  "They told me that… taking into account my Uzumaki genes it shouldn't take longer than that." They were such hypocrites, the lot of them. As soon as news of her lineage got out, everyone started treating her differently. It disgusted her. 

"I take it you don't agree with your new status?"

Her head snapped in his direction so fast it wiped her side-bangs across her face. "What status?" she asked with blazing eyes. "There is no status, there is nothing! What happened there…" For a moment everything threatened to come out. All the fear and the anguish, all the bitterness she now held in her heart. "… I'd rather be a nobody."

Itachi looked at her with calm eyes, watching, assessing. "But you're not."

He'd put the truth before her in those few words, and even if she tried, she couldn't deny it.  "I'm not." The image of Orochimaru when he told her who, and what she was… it would never go away. "His eyes still haunt me with every step I take and that fucking smile," she said with a shiver.

Itachi leaned toward her, his voice careful and quiet. "Yahizui, what did he do?"

His earnest gaze and soft words pulled at her, begging her to talk. She found the words tumbled from her lips.

"He used a… a seal on me. Put his hand right through me and from there he pulled something." A lingering shiver traveled down her spine. "I don't know what it was, and I don't know why he did it, but I know that he was smiling the entire time. If I weren't an Uzumaki none of this would have happened."

Saying the words out loud was both liberating and terrifying. As if giving voice to those thoughts lifted a weight off her shoulders, yet brought back shadows of memories, crawling toward her and threatening to encompass her once more. Blades of grass were twisting, transforming into thin-bodied snakes that slithered toward her injured leg and the gnarly branches of the trees became arms that reached for her.

She was about to shout, allowing the terror building inside her to escape, when an arm wrapped around her shoulder, pulling her frame into a warm body. "You're safe now," said Itachi, unaware of the dread that thrummed within her body but reacting to it, nonetheless.

His firm grip and warm body told Yahizui more than words ever will. She was safe, she was home. The tears she wouldn't allow herself to spill before came unbidden now, shaking her body as she sobbed, releasing the anguish that had threatened to overcome her since stepping inside Konoha. Itachi held her through it all, his arms encircling her with almost bruising tightness like he refused to ever let go.

Slowly the tension in her body melted away, her tears dried out, and her shoulders sagged as a shuddered breath left her chest.

A fish splashed in the water, causing endless ripples over the calm surface of the lake. Yahizui pulled back, noting the reluctance with which Itachi released her, wiped her eyes, and took a few measured breaths. 

"The good news is that I have at least one other family member," said Yahizui, her thoughts traveling to an energetic little boy she had to visit. She had to think of something else, and the sunny boy was her best bet.  "Maybe a cousin?"

"Naruto."

"Yeah, Naruto."

"When do you plan on telling him?"

The question weighed on her, making her shift away from Itachi's warmth. Naruto was the only other person she knew who carried the Uzumaki name, even if he didn't know that he was part of a clan. A clan she had always been a part of. "Soon. I just have to get used to it, and figure things out. There's not much information on how to be an Uzumaki."

Itachi gently shook his head. "I don't think you need it. You're an Uzumaki, but you're also Yahizui. Just be the person you've been until now."

It sounded easy when he said it. So simple, so clear. But her life was no longer simple, and nothing about it was clear. A few weeks ago she had been Yahizui, civilian-born and striving to be a good shinobi despite that. She had believed that everything she had done so far came from the sweat shed and the many hours of training. She thought she was good at seals because of her smarts and dedication, and that she had more chakra because she trained her endurance all the time. It had all been a lie.

"What bullshit. I thought everything I had was because I worked hard and earned it. I was so proud of being a civilian, of doing everything based on my own powers, with no great genetics to help me out, no bloodline to give me an edge…" Yahizui pushed her fingers through her hair, trying to find the words to express everything. "I'm no longer who I was before, I can't be! Now, all I can do is use whatever extra powers that I might have and didn't know of."

Itachi shook his head once more, tiredness falling like a dark shadow over his face. "Yahizui, chasing strength is not the way to go."

"Says the one who's an ANBU and has one of the most powerful abilities in Konoha!" The words tumbled out of her mouth like a raging river. "Strength's not the way to go when you've got it, but for those that don't, it makes the difference between lying in chains and having a fighting chance!" Her entire body was trembling, and now more than ever she wished her leg was healed and she could just jump up and express her fury.

In contrast, Itachi was a cold block of logic, his face giving her nothing. "You just said that you wouldn't have wanted to be an Uzumaki a minute ago." He finally said in a calm voice.

The tension and anger peaked and burst like a bubble being poked by his needlepoint logic. Tears misted her vision as her emotions jumbled together, the resentment of being part of a clan battling with the panic-driven need to get stronger. She wanted both, and she wanted none of them! She wanted things to have never happened and to be able to sleep at night with the only demon hunting her being a monster she had seen in her childhood! Yahizui angrily wiped her tears. She'd cried enough for one night, damn it! "I did, but—"

"It's okay to be scared…" the tender, tentative tone of his voice made Yahizui focus on him once more. "I'm sorry."

And he really was. It was obvious by the downturn that his mouth took, in the lines of worry between his brows and the way his hands twitched to reach to her. With a few well-practiced breaths she got her emotions under control. Itachi just wanted to help, in his clumsy, overly logical way he tried to help her come back to the person she had been before, and give her balance.

"It's fine… forget it."

The tense expression on Itachi's face told her he was unlikely to forget it soon. It was fine by her. For minutes they said nothing more, each lost in their own thoughts as the chill of the night seeped into Yahizui's skin, and a different shiver took over.

"Can I walk you home?"

Yahizui looked toward him, then pointed at her leg. "It might take a while." She didn't want to be home. There was no way sleep would come her way, not in the solitude of her room, not with the walls pressing down on her.

Before Yahizui made other excuses for not really wanting to go back to her warm bed, Itachi quickly put one hand behind her back and one underneath her knees and shunshined them to her front door. The quick move left her dizzy and grasping at his shirt with all her might.

"A little warning would be nice!" Yahizui swatted his shoulder upon seeing the small smirk on his lips. "Still, I really need to learn how to do that one."

Itachi shrugged, an attentive gaze replacing his playful smirk. "You're already fast, it shouldn't be hard to get the hang of it." His eyes darted to her open window, then at the bulky cast that encased her leg. "Need a lift?"

The cast had to go. Soon.

"Yes please."

With one powerful push of his legs, Itachi was on her windowsill and carefully lowering her to the room's floor. Her quiet, lonely, dark room.

The walls started pushing on her as soon as she stepped inside and the mere thought of being there alone caused Yahizui to shiver. She wasn't sure if Itachi noticed the desperation in her eyes as she gazed back at him if he sensed the terror she had of being alone. She didn't want to say it, didn't dare give voice to her need, but her hand tightened on his anyway.

The acceptance and understanding in Itachi's eyes almost made her weep with relief. As Itachi's feet touched the floor, the walls no longer pushed upon her, and the shadows retreated to their mundane forms. The knot in Yahizui's chest was released, and she managed to breathe normally. There were no more words to say. Yahizui didn't want to break the spell of peace that had fallen over the room.

Itachi tugged on her hand and in no time Yahizui was in her bed, cover tucked up to her chin. She saw him move back and panic slithered back in her heart, piercing her soul. "What about—"

"I'll be here," he said and took a seat on the plush chair next to her bed.

She barely dared to close her eyes, fearing that he would dissolve into mist and she would be alone once more. But the sound of his breathing calmed her, and soon her tiredness took over, dragging her into a dreamless sleep.

-Jiraiya-

The sun's first rays were hitting Konoha's rooftops, bringing out the green of the leaves and slowly waking up the entire village. From the large window of the Hokage tower, Jiraiya observed Konoha waking up for the day. No wonder his former teacher liked to be here so early; it was a sight to behold.

Yet today the Hokage was not in his office as usual. Jiraiya waited, walking up and down the room. It was about time he left Konoha, and went back out there. Too much time in the village brought back memories, and that was never good. And that kid… the red hair was the same as hers; understandable since they came from the same clan. Another Uzumaki in Konoha. But what did Orochimaru want from her? Had he taken her for future experiments, or for another reason?

The door to the office opened, and the Hokage's figure stepped in. Jiraiya turned toward him and knew immediately that whatever transpired between the Hokage and the Fire Daimyo was not good news.

"So?"

Hiruzen took out his pipe and lit it, the smell of tobacco smoke filling the room. "It is as I feared. Somehow Orochimaru got immunity. The Daimyo wasn't specific on it, keeping his argument to 'he did nothing specifically wrong.'"

"What of all the experiments?"

Hiruzen sighed his age and the stress finally showed through every pore of his body. "It's all my fault… if I hadn't been convinced that all these experiments helped the village, I might have noticed earlier what he really is, and none of this would have happened. Now he has a loophole that the Daimyo knows about. Orochimaru's experiments are part of why we won the war, part of why Konoha came out of it so well off…"

"Tch." Jiraiya's white eyebrows lowered in a frown as he turned to look at the village once more. He was no fool, he knew the price Konoha paid for the peaceful days they now had. War was a dirty business, and Konoha had been damn good at it. There was no other village with as many people with the flee-on-sight status out there or as many deadly jutsus. Orochimaru's experiments had been the cherry on the cake, and for a while, he had been so well-liked that they put him as a Hokage candidate. But politics had never been his former teammate's strong suit. So how did he slither his way into the Fire Daimyo's good graces?

Jiraiya's eyes widened. "He didn't do this alone, couldn't have."

"What makes you say that?"

Yes, the more he thought of it, the more certainty set in.

"I know Orochimaru, and his strength is not politics. To pull off something like that, one would need to first get an audience with the Daimyo. A simple shinobi, even one carrying the title of Sannin would have no chance to get that or have the influence to convince the Daimyo to give him immunity. Someone did it for him."

Hiruzen's eyes widened for a moment, and he began pacing, more smoke coming from his pipe. "We can't jump to conclusions here."

"But sensei—"

"This is not a simple matter," Hiruzen declared, his face pensive. "We both know that there are few people who have such political influence. These are just suspicions, and I can't start interrogating and imprisoning them based on just that. We need more; I need you to find out more about this before I can do anything."

Jiraiya's head bowed. He headed toward the door, taking one last look at the almost hunched form of his former teacher. I really don't envy your position, old man.