NIGHT THOUGHTS [3]

Sam got the feeling that he hadn't expressed himself too well. He wanted to ask Jin if she understood what he was trying to say. But before he could, she said, 'I used to believe in goodness. I used to believe that although there was bad in the world, there was a God up in heaven who would eventually make things right, would eventually reward us. But now I feel stupid for being so … so naïve. I mean, what kind of God would allow such suffering? I know I'm being selfish. I know it's easy to keep believing in God when the bad stuff is happening to someone else. But … but it's still how I feel, and I can't help that. I used to have faith, and now it's gone …'

She began to sob again, long and hard this time. Helplessly Sam watched her, wanting to tell her not to cry, that everything would be all right, but knowing how false that would sound. Eventually he mumbled, 'Hey, you want a hug?' And then he added hastily, 'No pressure. It's just … well, it's hard to stand by and watch someone cry and not do anything about it, y'know.'

For a moment she didn't respond, then she nodded and leaned towards him. Sam put his arm around her shoulders, aware of how sparrow-like and delicate she was. He felt furious and sickened at the thought of the three guys in the police station taking advantage of her physical frailty, and at the thought of how terrified and helpless she must have been.

For a while they just sat there, Jin weeping, Sam wishing he could protect her from stuff that had already happened.

Eventually her sobs subsided and she became quieter, calmer. Sam was beginning to wonder whether she'd cried herself to sleep when she said, 'I don't think I'll ever get over what those men did to me.'

Not wishing to offer hollow platitudes, Sam said, 'Maybe you won't ever forget it, but one day you'll learn to live with it. These things just take time.'

'You don't know what it was like,' Jin said, a hint of sharpness creeping into her voice.

Sam shook his head. 'That's true. But I've read about women who've been through the same thing. And they all say there comes a time when you decide that you're not gonna let the bad guys ruin your life anymore, that you're not gonna let them win. 'Cause they're not worth it, and you are.'

'They laughed when they were doing … what they did to me,' whispered Jin. 'They made me feel like nothing.'

'Try not to think about how they made you feel,' Sam said. 'Try not to believe it. It's those guys who're nothin', not you. What they think don't count.'

Jin lapsed into silence again. Then she whispered almost guiltily, 'I'm glad they're dead.'

'I'm glad too,' said Sam. 'People like that don't deserve to live.'

'Problem is,' said Jin. 'They're not really dead, are they?'

'They looked pretty dead to me,' Sam said softly. 'But if you mean you're worried they'll come back—'

'No, that's not it.' She sighed and said, 'I mean there's plenty more like them out there. Bad people. People who don't care how much they hurt other people. Who even enjoy hurting other people.'

'Yeah, they're out there,' Sam said. 'I'm not gonna insult you by saying they ain't. But what you gotta remember is that there's plenty good people too. A whole lot more good people than bad, in fact. Whatever we've seen these past couple days, there's still plenty of love out there in the world.'

'Not here, though,' she whispered.

'Hey, thanks,' said Sam with a smile.

'No, I don't mean that. I mean … love seems to be abandoning Banoi, and fear and hate is taking over.'

'Yeah,' said Sam softly. 'That's how it looks, all right.'

They sat in companionable silence for another thirty seconds or so, listening to the carefree chirrup of unseen night-bugs.

Then Sam asked, 'So, you coming with us tomorrow?'

There had been a kind of unspoken understanding that, after calling at the lab, all five of them would be heading over to the prison island with Mowen the following morning. But Sam had wondered earlier whether Jin was happy just to go along with the plan. Banoi was her home, after all. She had more of a stake in this place than the rest of them did.

She shrugged. 'I guess.'

'You thought about what you might do … after?'

She gave a small grunt. It might have been a humorless laugh, but it could just as easily have been prompted by a stab of pain in her belly. 'How can I? Everything I have – had – is here. Out there –' she waved a hand to indicate the wider world – 'I might as well just not exist.'

'Well, like I say,' mumbled Sam, 'you ain't alone. We'll look out for you – me, Xian Mei, Purna, even Logan. You need a place to stay, money, we'll fix you up, you don't have to worry about that.'

'Thanks,' said Jin. 'I appreciate it.' She yawned. 'I suppose I ought to try and get some sleep.'

'You and me both,' said Sam. 'Another long day tomorrow.'

They stood up. Before heading inside, Jin put a hand on Sam's arm. 'Thanks for not lying to me,' she said.

'Lying to you?'

'By telling me that everything will be all right. Because things are a long way from all right, aren't they? If this infection spreads, things may never be all right again.'

Sam looked at her for a long moment, his face grim.

'Ain't that the truth,' he muttered finally.