44. Chapter 44

"You realize that in some states, including this one, this is considered stalking?"

"Come on, baby brother," Nancy said dryly, trailing along beside him. "You know you love me. And I just want to know what your life is like."

He resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he forced himself to trudge along through the familiar halls of Seattle Grace, trying to formulate the best route of escape. He could always jump into an elevator and make himself disappear before she caught up, but if he was unsuccessful and she got into the elevator car with him, it was all over. The trick, he had learned at an early age, was to be discreet and wait for the perfect opportunity. If she – and she could mean any one of his sisters – caught onto his plans to escape, avoid, hide, keep secrets or do anything they didn't actively agree or participate in, he was screwed; escape was futile.

So, yes, escape by elevator was out of the question. But he did have an advantage over his sister that he hadn't had growing up. Whereas he and Nancy had been equally familiar with their childhood home, he was the only one with inside knowledge of Seattle Grace.

"I do have to admit that this is a nice hospital. When I pictured a Seattle hospital in comparison to New York I have to admit I was expecting something...less evolved."

"Ah, there's the East Coast snobbery I remember."

"You're certainly in a mood this morning," she shot back.

Derek groaned as he seriously considered jumping over the railing of the bridge as they crossed it. The reason he was in a so called 'mood' this morning was because his sister had shown up unannounced in his new life the day before, had caught him and his new girlfriend coming out of the shower together, and was now stalking him at his new job. Their conversation the night before – once all three parties were sufficiently clothed – had been okay...until Nancy had announced that she was staying with them at the trailer.

He had barely slept the night before; mostly because Meredith hadn't been sleeping and he had stayed awake beside her, worrying. Nancy had slept on the spare bed that pulled out from the couch, and with no barrier between the 'living room' and the 'bed room' of the trailer, Meredith had been terrified to touch him during the night, lest his sister catch her. So, she had lain awake, as close to the edge of the bed as she could. And he had lain awake on the other side, keeping his promise to keep his distance, listening to her shallow breathing and wishing he could reach out for her. And in the morning, when Meredith had gotten up early, he had offered her an out on an awkward morning by giving her his keys and telling her to go in early.

She had been grateful, he knew, even though she refused to even kiss him in the presence of his sister, and it had made him feel better...that he had been able to save her from another potential bad memory involving his sister. But it had led to one unfortunate situation.

He had been forced to ride into work with his sister in her rental car. And while Nancy's terrifying teenage driving skills had been downgraded to worrying in her adulthood, it, added with the fact that he hadn't had a break from his sister in hours, was making Derek pray for a page. Any page.

Any page, or even suspicious beeping sound in his near vicinity, that he could pretend to be a nine-one-one.

"So, do I get to see your office?"

"Whatever you want," he placated. Maybe he could lose her on the way. The stairs were an option, but he wasn't sure whether he could outrun her enough to get away. He may be able to make it to a restricted area, but doubted the security signs would even slow her down. Locking her out of his office was always an option, but that didn't leave him a method of escape, only avoidance.

With Derek leading, they rounded the corner to the elevators. One was just closing, and Derek felt his leg muscles tense for a fraction of a second, ready to make a run for it. But he knew he'd never make it. With a quiet, resigned sigh, he walked the rest of the way and pressed the 'up' button.

It was still early, and so the elevators weren't in overuse, and came quickly. When their car stopped a floor below the office floor, he toyed briefly with the idea of shoving his sister into the hallway and riding up or down a floor to safety. But one of his neuro attendings stepped into the elevator and Derek's professionalism won. He couldn't be seen shoving unsuspecting women out of elevators for no apparent reason by doctors who were supposed to look up to him.

"Dr. Shepherd," the younger man greeted.

"Hi, Dr. Krycheck. How was your surgery this morning?" Krycheck had been scheduled for a tumour resection that morning. He was still young, fresh out of his fellowship, but Derek was quite pleased with both his skills and manner.

"Good. Got it all."

"Great. I got an e-mail about a possible hemi patient. If all goes well I want you to assist."

Krycheck smiled. "Thanks, Dr. Shepherd. That would be great."

"I'll make sure and put you on the team then."

The elevator dinged to announce it's arrival on the office floor, and the doors opened. Derek stepped out after a brief goodbye to Krycheck. It had been difficult for him to come in and take over the department without having ever set foot in Seattle Grace before, and he had found the attendings and residents below him hard to get to know. It wasn't that they had been cold or off-putting, only reserved about their new boss. It probably hadn't helped that not only had their new boss come in from across the country out of nowhere, but had immediately started a relationship with an intern. Derek shook his head. Regardless of the then, the now was better. Barriers were coming down.

"It's smaller," was Nancy's first comment as he opened the door and ushered her in to his office. Her words echoed so many she had spoken that morning already. The ferryboats were less crowded. The drive was longer. The traffic was much less busy. His clothing was different.

"Well, I don't spend nearly as much time in this one."

"Hmm," she mumbled in response as she wandered past the worn couch and mis-matching book cases to his desk. The wood of the bookcases was different than that of the desk, the dark brown couch probably clashed horribly with the greenish walls and reddish-brown carpet, and he was pretty sure none of his degrees or pictures were hung straight on the wall. But the bookcases held only textbooks and journals of interest to him. And the blue couch was comfortable, and could actually be used to sit on for long periods of time. And the green tinted walls brought out his girlfriend's eyes. And the dark coloured carpet was good for hiding stains, allowing his office to be used often as a lunch room when he and Meredith had sufficient free time together.

"It's different," Nancy mused, turning back to him when her eyes had done a quick sweep of the room. "Very different." There was no designer furniture picked out of a catalogue. There was no glass desk and thousand dollar ergodynamic chair that made his back hurt. There were no paintings or expensive photographs Addison had bid on at a charity auction.

She pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes as she studied him closely. "Then again, I guess it fits, seeing as you're different."

"I'm different?"

"You look different. You're hair is longer. There's the whole trading in the designer suits for jeans thing that we still need to discuss. You're calmer. Before it was like you were always living ahead..."

Before.

For such a common, simple word, Derek was surprised by its sudden ominous ring. It made him feel disjointed, like he was living a completely separate life, like he was a different person. Which he was, but also wasn't. He had changed locations and living styles, jobs but not careers, and had lost his wife only to discover the love of his life. He had changed, but he hadn't changed. He was still Derek Shepherd. He still came from the same place, still had the same family, memories, morals and values. He was still a surgeon, still saved lives. And Meredith...Meredith was the love of his life, no doubt, but she hadn't changed him, hadn't caused a shift in personality so severe that he should be referred to as now-Derek and before-Derek.

He didn't want to be told by his sister, who had known him since the day he was born, that he was so different then he was before.

"Seattle is smaller," Nancy was saying. "And wetter. The hospital is smaller." She smirked. "And I assume the salary is too."

He rolled his eyes. "You know it's not about the money." In fact, it never had been. His sisters may be a tad materialistic from his perspective, but he knew that trait was a product of their professions and not the other way around. Money had been tight after their father had died. Very tight. There hadn't been enough for commodities and extras. But the Shepherd children were nothing if they weren't determined and resilient. And a middle of the night promise between them, Mark included, had led to all six becoming doctors. Not for the money, but to save lives, so that other people didn't have to grow up like they had.

She ignored his comment as she motioned towards a framed family photo on his wall. "I see you didn't forget us."

It had been meant as a joke, but her comment hurt. "How could I, when you force yourselves into my life whenever you please?" He shot back.

"Hey, I came out here as a favour," she reminded, her tone telling him to keep the blame far away from her. Nancy was good at that – shifting blame to everyone else but herself. "If mom had gotten her way it would have been all of us."

"And why is it that you couldn't have waited a few more weeks? Seriously. I at least deserved a freaking phone call."

"You talk differently too," Nancy commented, her tone light again, trying to diffuse the situation.

It, however, had the opposite effect she intended. "Stop doing that!" He demanded. "Stop comparing every detail of my life to what it was in New York. Things have changed, but I'm still me."

"But you're not. We barely know you anymore, Derek. You talk to mom, but rarely to us."

He rolled his eyes. "You and I both know she tells you everything I tell her. I don't need to waste time giving the same updates to five people."

"It's not the same. We miss you. We don't move away, Derek, it's not what we do."

A dozen comments came to mind, but he bit his tongue. Now was certainly not the time to pull out the past. Now was not the time to tell his sister that the moment he set foot in Seattle he felt like he could breathe for the first time since his father died. Now was not the time to tell her how much he had wanted to move away years before, but hadn't done lest is hurt his mother or upset the balance of his family. Now was not the time to tell his sister that an uncharacteristic selfish act following the destruction of his marriage and friendship with Mark had been the best thing he had done in a long time. Maybe ever.

"We all stayed close to mom," she reminded. "She likes having us close. We like having each other close."

"What about what I like? What about what I want?"

She sighed, exasperated. "It's Seattle, Derek. Seattle. You're from New York. You belong in New York."

"I like it here."

"Come home," she pleaded suddenly. "Mark and Addison are both here now. You can come home without them being there."

He shook his head. "I have a life here."

"I get it," she placated. "Your life fell apart. You needed a change. You discovered you prefer a hospital environment to private practice; there are tons of hospitals in New York, Derek. You wouldn't have a problem getting a job. Hell, you can buy land in the country and put a trailer on it and live however you want, but, please Derek, come home."

"I am home."

"You've been here ten months. You spent over thirty years in New York."

"That doesn't make it home."

"Is this about the intern?"

He seethed. "Meredith."

"Don't give me that look. I like her. Bring her with you. Just come home."

"Is this why mom sent you? To try and force me to move back? If so, you can leave right now. I'm staying in Seattle." He was disappointed, having let himself believe his mother was supportive of his new life.

"Why are you being so stubborn?"

"Why are you being such a bitch?"

She glared at him. "We miss you in New York, Derek. We need you."

"No you don't. But, while we're on the subject, what about what I need?"

"You can make changes when you come home. Just come home."

"I am home. I have a life here."

"You had a life in New York."

The shrill sound of his pager going off filled the room. Derek sighed in relief as he reached to his waist band. It wasn't a nine-one-one page; he was only being called to the pit, but it was enough to get him away from this conversation. He sighed heavily and glanced upwards, meeting his sister's eyes. "No," he said quietly. "I didn't have a life."

000

Hours later, Derek was still stewing from his conversation with his sister as he stalked across the bridge. His earlier consult had led to OR time for a set of Burr holes. He had been out of surgery for more than an hour, but had yet to find, or even begin to look for, the sister he had quickly ditched when his pager had gone off.

It had been a long time since he had allowed that many angry feelings about his life to rise, and he was having trouble shoving them back down. He hadn't even realized how strongly he still felt.

It wasn't that he didn't love his family. And it wasn't that he wouldn't do anything for them. It was that they knew he would do anything for them, and had, albeit inadvertently, taken advantage of that. He was a middle child, but had started working part time at an early age to help with the bills, and then to help out his sisters in college. He had been a star student, learning quickly and studying hard from kindergarten on. Skipping grade four and doing high school in three years instead of four, with top grades and references along the way, had led to multiple scholarship offers. He had wanted to go to Johns Hopkins with Mark, but had stayed in New York; for his family. He had worked through college – which he also did in three years – saving some money and sending some home. His savings had come in handy when the NYU medical school hadn't offered him as much scholarships as for his pre-med degree. New York was not a cheap city to live in.

He had skimped and saved his whole life, which was why a surgical salary had been such a shock to him. And his experiences had never allowed him to be comfortable in Addison's expected lifestyle. But he had never complained, had never spoken up or requested change. He had never thought to.

It was stupid to him now, that he had lived that way for so long without speaking up, but at the time he was just doing what he had always done; putting the females in his life first. He had been strong after his father had died; he had had to be. His once perfect childhood had disintegrated in the blink of an eye. His father had told him once that their family was the most important thing in his life, and the integrity in his voice had made Derek determined to take care of his mother and sisters as best he could in his father's absence. Other then the days following his death, and the funeral, Derek hadn't cried in front of anyone. He had been there for them. He had sat by his sisters' bedsides as they cried themselves to sleep. He had held his mother's hand on every anniversary when they went to the cemetery. He had stayed close when he was wanted to go.

It wasn't that he had given up dreams for his family, it was that he wasn't sure if his dreams had really been his dreams. For so long he had done exactly what was expected of him and more then that, he had never stopped to reassess. He had always believed he belonged in New York, that he was genetically programmed to hate it anywhere else. But he had been wrong. Seattle fit his personality, his preferred way of life. So did Meredith. And he wondered what else he would discover he had been wrong about.

All he knew for sure was that moving to Seattle had been the first impulsive thing he had done in as long as he could remember.

And it was the best thing he had done. Ever. He could breathe. He had a life. He had Meredith.

He just needed to make his family understand that.

Derek pulled himself from his thoughts just in time to realize he was about to walk right past his girlfriend. "Hey," he called softly, putting the breaks on.

She smiled at him. "I was wondering if you were going to see me. You looked like you were off in your own world there."

Regardless of the fact that it was the middle of a work day, he didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms for a quick hug. Because he really needed a hug from her.

Meredith was an anomaly in his life. She didn't treat him like his sisters did, like Addison had. To her he wasn't the stereotypical man who was expected to go along with her plans. He doubted she was even aware of that stereotype. She wasn't precise and refined, but she was elegant and relatively graceful. She was admittedly scared, but loved him openly. She never expected him to change or act different for her. And she let him be him. If he wanted to own a trailer, he could own a trailer. She may make a few off-hand remarks about it, but all in good fun. The fact was she loved it just as much as he did.

"Are you okay?" She asked worriedly when he pulled away. He was allowed to be not perfect with her. He was allowed to be upset and hurt and sad. In fact, she insisted on it, insisted that he be vulnerable as well as she.

He let out a long sigh, shedding some tension. "I...don't know."

She cocked her head. "Your surgery?"

"Was fine. It's my sister."

"Oh."

His lips curled into a smile at her short answer. It wasn't that she was being curt, but simply had no idea what to offer. And Meredith wasn't the type to talk for the sake of saying something. She could ramble with the best of them, but always with a purpose. "She's driving me crazy," he offered.

"How long is she staying?"

"She still hasn't told me. But she did make sure to point out every feature of my life that is 'different.'"

"Different then New-York-Derek's life?"

He laughed. "Exactly."

"Hmm. Were you that different?"

"I wasn't. But my life was, which I guess made me different. But I don't feel like I've changed, only..."

"Only what?"

He glanced around. The middle of the bridge was not the place to be having this discussion, but he was committed. No one seemed to be in their general vicinity other than Izzy, who was sticking oddly close to Meredith, but was politely turned away, giving them space. "I just feel like I'm living for me now."

"Well, that's good."

"Yeah, but she doesn't see it that way."

"What do you mean?"

"She wants me to move back to New York."

"Oh," she said again, only now there was a waver of uncertainty in her tone.

He immediately chastised himself for being so blunt. "I'm not going back to New York," he assured quickly. The one thing he really didn't need right now was Meredith worrying about something so absurd. "It's just...I always stayed close for them. And they don't need me anymore. They just want me there. I guess I thought they got it, you know? I really thought they were going to let me live my life, that they would be happy that I was happy. But...now I wonder if they're humouring me, just waiting for me to 'come to my senses' and move back."

Her lips formed a thin line before she sucked her bottom lip into her mouth to bite between her teeth. "Nancy said they want you back in New York?"

He nodded. "And I get that they miss me. Hell, I miss them. My mom, my sisters, my nieces and nephews. But I have a life here. How can they just expect me to pick up and move home so they can see me once every week or two for dinner?"

She hesitated before speaking again. "Are you sure she doesn't just want you to leave Seattle to get away from me?"

He reached for her hand and shook his head. "I'm sure. In fact, she told me to bring you with me, that she likes you."

A small smile flittered across her lips. "Really?"

"Really. Just don't tell her I told you. She'll never admit to it."

Meredith laughed, but didn't have a chance to respond.

Derek felt a presence beside him and didn't have to turn to know that it was his sister.

"I finally found you."

"I had a patient. It's not my fault I didn't know you were coming, and therefore didn't take time off work."

"That's getting a little old, Derek."

"I'm just saying it how I feel it."

"You're really in a mood today," she responded, before turning to Meredith. "Please tell me you don't have a brother like him to put up with?"

Derek seethed silently as his girlfriend stumbled over an answer about being an only child.

"Hmm, lucky you."

He had had enough. "If that's the way you feel, Nancy," he snapped, "You're free to get on a plane, go home, and pretend like you don't have a brother."

"My god, Derek, what has Seattle done to you that you can't even take a joke anymore?"

"It made me happy," he shot back, "Which is more than New York ever did."

Nancy continued to hold his gaze, but said nothing.

Meredith had averted her eyes, and carefully stepped back from the arguing siblings. Izzy, still beside her, couldn't seem to keep her gaze away, alternating from staring away to glancing at them. Her movement eventually caught Nancy's attention.

"Can we help you? Or do you think we could continue our private conversation?"

"Oh, I...can't leave my boss's side," Izzy stammered quietly, taken aback by the difference in the woman she had met the day before.

"Bailey's got Izzy shadowing me today," Meredith explained.

"Still..."

"Leave her alone, Nancy," Derek demanded.

Nancy rolled her eyes. "Okay, you know what? You're in a mood today, Derek. I'm going to go and find a way to occupy myself while I wait for my brother, who I flew across the country to see, decides to be a little nicer today." And with that, she turned on her heel and left them alone.

Silence reigned for several moments before Izzy spoke up. "Derek, no offence, but your sister is a little McBitchy..."

He released a breath, and then he snorted. And then he was laughing. "You are absolutely right, Stevens. I'm glad you chose today to come back."

000

"You should have seen that," Nancy called as she flittered into the lounge where Derek was working away on some case notes. "Two uteruses, which was so unbelievably cool. And a cute baby to boot."

He sighed. She was ignoring their earlier conversation. "I'm glad you're enjoying your trip."

She paused, standing before him, her hands on her hips. "Okay, seriously, Derek. What the hell is the matter with you? You say you're happy, but you're acting like you're miserable."

The corner of his mouth twitched. "You said seriously," he pointed out. "You called me on it earlier, but obviously it's not my fault. It's contagious here."

"And you're avoiding my question." She dropped into the chair beside him.

He sighed heavily. "I do like it here. I belong here. And I need for you, my family, to understand that."

"We do."

"If you do, then why have you been torturing me all day?"

An uncharacteristic flash of pain crossed Nancy's face. "Just because we understand doesn't mean we don't miss you, Derek. It doesn't mean we'll accept it right away. We miss you," she repeated.

"I miss you too."

"You have our support, Derek. We love you, and we'll always support you. But we still want you close. It took me over five hours to fly here. A year ago I could drive to your house in forty-five minutes."

"I had to get away," he admitted. "I don't belong in New York. I thought I did, but..."

"But you belong here." There was an air of understanding in her tone.

He nodded. "I do."

"None of us have ever left home before."

"You did."

She rolled her eyes. "For college. And I was a two hour drive away."

"I never left."

She studied him closely for a moment. "No, I guess you never did. I remember you wanting to go to Johns Hopkins..."

"Yeah, I did."

"But you picked NYU."

"I did."

Nancy sighed and placed her hand on his forearm, offering a reassuring squeeze. "We miss you, Derek. We love you and we miss you and we want you close by. But we don't need you in New York."

He met her eyes, wondering when she had gotten so insightful. He hadn't even realized one of the emotions plaguing him today had been guilt until she brought it up.

"I know I've been..." She trailed off before continuing, "A bitch, as you so eloquently put it, but it's only because I miss my baby brother. I haven't seen you in a year, Derek. And mom is..."

"What about mom?"

Nancy shook her head, her eyes a little misty. "I kind of lied. She wasn't going to get us all on a plane right away. She mentioned us flying out eventually...to see you in your new life. And I guess I...I guess I don't want you to have a new life, which is selfish, I know, but it's the truth. Because if you have a new life it means you really are staying here. And mom gets that, and that's what scared me."

"Mom gets it?"

She nodded. "Yeah. She said she's happy you've finally found yourself."

He closed his eyes for a moment, happy that at lease one member of his family understood him.

"I'm sorry."

Derek opened his eyes, surprised. Nancy didn't offer apologies very often. "Me too."

"Do you think maybe you over reacted a bit because you're afraid I may change something about your life by coming here? That your old life will infect your new life?"

As much as he wanted to deny it, she certainly had a point. "Kathleen is the shrink, Nancy, not you."

"I'm an OB, Derek. I do more calming and reassuring to labouring mothers in a week then Kathleen does to anyone in a year."

He laughed. "I'll be sure and tell her you said that."

She narrowed her eyes. "You wouldn't dare."

"Oh, I might..."

"Well, then, I just may have to tell mom about the vase..."

"Then I'll tell her about the window..."

Nancy pursed her lips for a moment before she changed tactics. "Then I'll tell Meredith about the time at my tenth birthday where we tied you up and gave you a makeover. I'll even show her the pictures."

Derek groaned. "How long were you staying?"

She smiled. "Relax, baby brother. I'm on a flight in a few hours."

"That soon?"

"Hmm, interesting, you almost sound disappointed."

"Almost is right," he said dryly, and then offered his sister a smile. "What are you going to report back to mom and the girls?"

She shrugged. "That you're happy, that you're where you belong."

"Thank-you."

"No problem, baby brother."

"Is there time for this baby brother to take his big sister out to dinner before she gets on a plane?"

000

His car was in the driveway when the taxi dropped him off later that evening, meaning Meredith was home from the hospital. Dinner with his sister had been good, and she had driven herself to the airport in her rental car while he had taken a cab home. Derek was much happier then he had been even a few hours ago.

The door was unlocked, and Derek quietly let himself in, bypassing the kitchen. He was exhausted after his long night and emotional day, and wondered if maybe Meredith was tired as well. Once he reached their room, he confirmed that he was right. She was fast asleep, snoring away.

He couldn't help but pause and stare at her for several moments before getting ready for bed. She was the perfect symbol of his new life. Unexpected. Unpredictable. Absolutely perfect.

The soft snoring, which had driven him crazy in the first weeks of their relationship, had become a trait he more than just tolerated. There were times when he woke in the middle of the night that the faint sounds were enough to remind him of where he was, and comfort back into sleep. The smell of her hair always made him smile. He wished he could bury his nose in her dirty blond strands forever. And the feeling of her body pressed against his in the night was enough to push any bad dreams far from his mind.

Unable to resist the urge to hold her any longer, Derek stripped off his clothes to his boxers and climbed into bed behind her, his arms looping around her waist.

"Mmmggfffmmm," she mumbled, completely incoherent.

"It's just me, go back to sleep."

"It better be you," she muttered, her voice scratchy with sleep. "I don't usually let random men come into my bedroom and spoon me in the middle of the night."

He chuckled and kissed the back of her neck. "Good to know."

She yawned and snuggled closer, removing any excess spaced between her back and his chest. "How was dinner?"

"Good. We talked a lot. Things are much better."

"Good," she murmured. "I didn't want you to move to New York." Her voice was quiet as she was being drawn back to sleep.

"I couldn't go back there," he whispered. "I love you far too much to live without you."

She was quiet for several moments, and Derek had thought she had fallen back to sleep when she spoke again. "I would have gone with you."

"What?"

"To New York. If you went back, I would have gone with you. I can't live without you either."

His heart clenched painfully at her honest words. She was offering him everything he could ever ask for. A life; her life. Trust. Love. Forever.

"I'd go anywhere for you," he finally mumbled into the back of her neck. "I'd live anywhere in the world if it meant getting to be with you."

She sighed. "I'm good with Seattle if you are."

"I am."

"Good," she murmured faintly. "I love you."

"I love you too," he whispered as he closed his eyes and inhaled the scent he would never tire of. His sister was right; this was exactly where he belonged.

AN: Only took me 44 chapters to get the name of the story into the actual text...

So I have actually been actively working on this, but Derek was more upset then I expected, and as much as I wanted to make this chapter lighter, I have learned to go with my gut. It took me a lot longer then expected to complete this chapter, but I am happy where it ended.

Also, I have finally signed up for a LJ account, which I have linked as my homepage. I will try and keep updates there for chapters and stories (and will be posting my fics when I figure out how to...). On that note, for those waiting for it, Here We Are is coming along, no posting date yet, but I will keep you informed on LJ.

Thanks for reading! Happy Halloween!