204. Hela

The four of them reach their destination: The Tower, after leaving the train and walking out from the elevator shaft. At the base, they saw The Life Equation Finders, led by Wonder Woman, Bruce's wife.

The four ran toward them.

"Diana..." whispered Bruce. "Cassie... Damian..."

"Mr. Wayne! Aren't those your wife and kids?" asked Peter.

"Parker, I think we should just shut up," said Wade. "This is a very emotional moment and I'm sick and tired of all these studios brushing of Bruce as an inhumane monster."

"In my experience, Bruce broke my spine once," smiled Harley. "He threw me down a window and I fell on an 18-wheeler."

"Damn it, Harley!" shouted Wade. "Superheroes have feelings, too! Goddamn it, Joss Whedon! Damn you!!!"

Bruce hugs his family as the others reach the Finders.

"Whoa, Quill! Billy! Matt!" smiled Peter, as he hugged each of them. "Thor! Frank! Barry!"

Each of them smiles at Peter.

"Great," sighed Frank, meeting Wade. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Joining your little club to protect the Anti-Life Equation!" smiled Wade. "Keeping it away from Black Thanos."

Wade does the sign of the cross. "God bless Thanos."

Eobard happily eats a sausage in a suburban dining room. A father, a mother, and two children, a boy and a girl have been killed in the universe in the dining room. All of their hearts have been torn out as blood was shown to have been splattered everywhere. Their eyes were left coldly opened and dead.

Eobard calmly eats a sausage made of pork, pork belly, and pig brains. It has a strong fatty smell as he takes small bites of it and small sips of his wine.

A portal opens from behind him as Doom slowly walked out of it.

"Darkseid calls unto you," said Doom.

"Hello, Doctor Doom," spoke Eobard.

Eobard sips the wine softly and sighs happily. "Bergenwursts... Quite a popular meal on another Universe Darkseid destroyed. Earth X."

Eobard sighs in relief.

Doctor Doom stares at Eobard with a sharp expression.

Eobard chuckles.

"Do you know what it's like to have lived 50,000 Goddamned years in the Negative Speed Force using it as a bombshell each time an attacker came on to try and destroy our Multiverse? It's tiring, you know? Alas, I could always go back in time and change history and make this universe the way I want IT!!!" shouted Eobard. "I could go back in time and do something as simple as change one little part of your Earth's history and fucking erase you like the Goddamned joke you are!"

"Had a bad day?" asked Doom, as Eobard sat back on his chair, panting loudly.

"I was beaten to near-death by a Stand-User," said Doom, bowing his head.

"Ah, I see," said Doom. "He's a version of Kujo Jotaro, I heard."

"Yes... The Bootleg Filipino one!" shouted Eobard.

Meanwhile...

"I heard that you, Bruce Wayne, are amongst the finest on your Earth," said Thor, smiling charmingly as Bruce silently looked forward with a sharp expression. "I doubt that this Batman can do anything to stop me, Thor, however. We've never formally fought in the war, have we?"

"I really don't wanna do this," said Bruce.

"Oh, I do," said Thor.

"Diana?" asked Bruce.

The group stops walking as Diana sighs and turns to Bruce. "I beat Thor in an... arm wrestling match."

"Huh..." said Bruce.

"Well? How would the man who broods in a cave for a living beat the God of Thunder?" asked Thor.

Bruce continues to ignore him. Thor speeds in front of Bruce.

"Come on! Give me your best shot!" smiled Thor.

"I really don't want to do this," said Bruce.

"Come on, Human Bat! It can't be that bad!" smiled Thor. "We're all friends here!"

Bruce leans to his ears and whispers. "Gorr was r-..."

"WHOA!!!" shouted Thor. "Easy there! Jesus Christ! Fuck!"

"I'm surprised that an alien would know that name," said Bruce. "Is there Catholicism out there in the rainbow of Bifrost."

Thor backed away and almost had a heart attack. "How do you-?! *ahem*... How the hell do you know that spell?"

"That was a spell?" asked Bruce. "I always thought it would make you feel sad. A sad god in his sad little paradise."

"What did you just try to do, exactly, there, Bruce?" asked Quill.

"I think it's a spell that takes away his abilities as a god for good," said Bruce. "His powers are supposed to be bound to something. Whispering that spell would take away everything that makes him Thor, I think. It would take away his powers from Stormbreaker, I believe, and it would transfer to the whisperer."

Bruce takes a bite out of his Sludge.

"I'm not... I wasn't scared," said Thor, looking around.

"I swear to God I will whisper those words again into your ears if you won't shut up," sighed Bruce.

Bruce walks away.

"How do you put up with him?" said Thor, leaning to Peter Parker.

"Oh," smiled Peter. "He's actually a huge softie once you get to know him."

"Can't believe you found Quill before I did," said Bruce.

"We've had some help with Strange," smiled Diana.

"Bruce," said Diana, leading the group. "You seem to smell like another woman."

"Trust me, Diana," said Bruce, walking next to her. "I didn't. I didn't. I've thought of it, but I didn't. Also, don't bother. This is just Parker's Sludge Perfume he made from alien flowers. He thinks it makes him smell manly. I'd really appreciate it if you didn't tell him."

Diana jabs Bruce's shoulder as he spoke with a soft, "Ow."

Diana laughs and smiles with her teeth showing. "Did you kill anyone yet?"

"No," smiled Bruce.

"The Anti-Life Equation increases one's rage," said Diana. "Be glad that you haven't broken your one rule yet."

"I've already broken it, Diana. Trying to stay on this path once more doesn't matter at all," said Bruce.

"If you're still fighting to never break it again, then it still matters," said Diana, smiling.

"Again, with your intoxicating optimism," said Bruce.

"And there you are with your ironic pessimism," smiled Diana.

The two of them smile at each other as the wind blows on their hair.

"Wel... sometimes we should look at each other like how we should look at things... In different angles," said Bruce.

Diana raises her hand as the group stops. She turns to them. "The sun is setting. It's time for us to sleep for the night.We'll take shifts on guard for tonight..."

"Where do we go to the bathroom?" asked Billy.

Quill takes out a metal bucket from their cart and drops it on the ground.

"Are... Are you serious?" asked Billy.

"No. I'm kidding. There's a bathroom right behind you," said Quill.

"Where!?" smiled Billy, turning around. Quill then slaps the back of his head.

"Ow!"

Later...

"Hahahahahaha!" cackled a voice.

Peter wakes up and stands up from his bed. He breathed heavily and looked around hastily.

"Couldn't sleep?"

"Gah!" Peter sees Thor watching him. "Were you just watching me sleep?"

"That's my job," said Thor. "I can't believe Heimdall kept on complaining about his job when he was alive. This is pretty friggin' easy."

"O-Okay... But... Why were you watching only me?"

Thor laughs while clenching his jaw.

"I don't know. You looked pretty," smiled Thor.

Peter senses something.

"Ms. Prince isn't here," said Peter, standing up. "We should wake up Mr. Wayne."

"It's fine!" yelled Thor. "From one Old God to another... We made a deal that I shouldn't look at her anymore since she thinks it's... " He makes quote symbols with his hands. "'...creepy'... Ignoring her while she was grabbed by zombies is probably fine."

"What!?" yelled Peter.

"Shush!" yelled Thor. "You'd wake up Wayne!"

"You let Diana get taken by zombies!?" asked Bruce, as he pinches Thor's ear. "I'll fucking whisper those words right this moment."

"No..." whimpered Thor. "Please, kind sir... My powers have so much to live for."

"Fuck!" yelled Bruce, as he pushes Thor away out of pure annoyance. "Parker. Wake up the others."

"Yo! Guys!" yelled Peter. "Guys?"

Peter opened their eyes to see that they have no pupils.

"GAH!!!" yelled Peter, backing away.

Thor stands up out of fear.

"No..." said Thor, trembling.

"What?" asked Bruce and Peter.

"That bitch is here," said Thor.

"Who?" asked the pair.

"My older sister..."

Meanwhile...

Diana wakes up as she is wrapped around by metallic plates.

She sees a woman with several horns on her head for a crown in beautiful black robes.

Diana takes a good look at the woman.

"Ah..." said Diana. "Hela... Daughter of Odin. Heiress to the Asgardian Throne."

"Oh... my... God... Thank you! You actually know who I am!? By God... You know how hard I've been trying to get people to remember me! I almost don't want to kill you!" she laughed.

"You were killed before the fated Infinity War in the 4th World in the now-destroyed Asgard... How are you still-?" asked Diana.

"No, no, no... I wasn't killed! Darkseid opened a Boomtube and brought me into his court. He offered me Asgard in exchange for aiding him. Right now, he wants you dead... Knowing that you are the most powerful member of your current team..." Hela grinned with terror.

"Excuse me!? She's the strongest in our team!?" asked Thor, standing up.

"Goddamnit, Thor..." said Bruce. Bruce and Peter stand up. They were hiding behind a rock.

"Hold on... I'm Thor... Thor Odinson... Your brother... The man who defeated you? God of Thunder? I obviously am the strongest Avenger and am the strongest Guardian... and is also the strongest of... Whatever team this is... So if you'd kindly capture me instead..."

"Thor!" yelled the pair.

"How did I not see you?" asked Hela.

"Seriously!?" asked Thor, spreading his arms in the air.

"And how are you two still awake from the death-like sleeping potion?!" asked Hela, pointing to all of them with frustration.

"Hey. What's up," said Billy.

"GAH!!!" yelled everyone.

"How are you not asleep!?" yelled Hela. "And him!"

"Who?" asked Billy. Billy turns to Quill. "Oh, right. I don't think your trance works on gods."

"'Sup," smiled Quill.

Billy takes a bite out of a weird Sludge Burger he made. It's made of solid sludge sandwiching some semi-liquid sludge. It smelled and tasted like steak because Billy electrocuted it with the Lightning of Zeus.

Quill, meanwhile, drank a cup of Sludge.

"Why are those two awake!?" asked Hela, pointing to Bruce and Peter.

"We have no idea," said Quill.

"Pfft! What are they? Cosmic Spider-Man and Bat-God? Stupid..." laughed Billy.

"I swear to God... If everyone is awake-!" Hela clenched her jaw.

"No... I think it's just us," shrugged Peter. "I don't sense anyone else being awake right now."

"So... what now?" asked Hela, as everyone looks at each other.

"Let her go, Hela!" yelled Bruce, as everyone else prepared their weapons.

"I am Hela, Goddess of Death," smiled Hela.

"I am Diana of Themyscira. Princess of the Amazons. Goddess of Fights," said Diana.

"I am Billy Batson. I am SHAZAM," said Billy, as lightning strikes him. The smoke disappears as Billy becomes SHAZAM.

"I'm your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man," smiled Peter.

"I am Star-Lord. Leader of the Guardians of the Galaxy.," smiled Quill.

"I am Thor... GOD OF THUNDER!!! And the TRUE LEADER OF THE GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY!!!" yelled Thor, raising Stormbreaker as his hammer is struck by lightning.

"Is not," said Quill.

"Is too," said Thor.

"I'm Batman," said Bruce.

"I think I like the human the best," smiled Hela, as she gave Bruce puppy eyes.

"Stop looking at my husband that way, you wench!" yelled Diana.

"You have to say that all the gods have a thing for Wayne," said Thor, as he wrapped his hands around Bruce.

"Off... Me..." said Bruce, as Thor slowly put his hand off his shoulder.

*SHING SHING SHING*

Blades from Hela's palms are shot toward them as Thor swings Stormbreaker around, blocking all of the blades as each of the blades bounces away.

Billy flies toward Hela and punches her away with his fists.

Diana is freed as she charged toward Hela, flying toward her and punching her as well.

Skeletons suddenly appeared around them as Bruce, Quill, and Parker fought against the Skeleton Army.

"Hela of Asgard! I challenge you to a fight!" yelled Diana.

"You're already fighting me so you can't challenge me, you wench!" hissed Hela.

Hela headbutts Diana as she is thrown far away.

Billy shocks her with a blast of lightning, but Hela deflects the blast with her blades.

"What are you the god of again?" asked Hela.

"I'm the God of-... OH, MY GODS WHAT IS THAT!?" asked Billy, pointing behind her.

She looks behind her and turns back to Billy. "No one's there-..."

Billy is gone.

Billy grabs Hela from behind as he pins her down. He then rolls over as she is now on top of him.

"Did you purposefully give me the advantage? Are you some kind of strange freak, child?" Hela asked.

"SHAZAM!!!" yelled Billy.

*rumble*

Lightning struck Hela, who is on top of Billy.

"SHAZAM!!!"

*rumble*

"SHAZAM!!!"

*rumble*

"SHAZAM!!!"

*rumble*

"SHAZAM!!!"

*rumble*

"SHA-!!!"

Stormbreaker crashes into Hela as she is thrown several hundred meters away.

"Oh, my God!" yelled Billy, as he turns to Thor. "DUDE!!! YOU COULD'VE KILLED ME!!!"

"What?! Don't be silly, Batson. I only scathed you," said Thor.

"You missed me! I was this close to her!" yelled Billy, making a pinch symbol with fingers.

"Hey! That's my sister, man! What the hell!?" asked Thor.

"No! Not that way!" yelled Billy.

"And you're like a brother, to me, Billy! Isn't that like... incest!?" asked Thor.

"I'm... I'm sorry, Thor..." said Billy. "Wait, why am I saying sorry to you? We're not together, Thor! It's okay!"

"What? Really!? Bro..." said Thor.

"Bro," said Billy.

Meanwhile, Diana blasted lightning toward Hela, blasting her fists toward Hela left and right.

Hela brings out skeletons from the ground as the army bring out their swords and attack Diana. Diana raises her hands.

"Godkiller! Fortifier!"

A sword and a shield are brought to her as she equips them.

Diana smiles at Hela.

(theme begins)

Diana waves her sword around, killing the Skeleton soldiers, as Hela tossed blades and axes toward Diana. Diana uses her shield to block the blades, genuflecting as she growled on the ground.

She blasted lightning toward Hela with her sword as Hela has a hard time generating and augmenting blades to deflect the lightning blasts.

Diana screams as her body blasts more lightning at Hela.

The two women howl in anger.

(theme ends at 1:00)

Meanwhile...

Star-Lord blasted several more skeleton men with his Quad Blasters.

"So... Parker!" yelled Quill. "How's the Peter Tingle?"

"Working great," said Peter. "Your Celestial genes?"

"Dormant as usual," said Quill. "Hey, Wayne!"

"What?" asked Bruce.

"You look like you've lost weight!" smiled Quill. "Uh... Wonderful weather we're having."

"Great small talk. I'm proud of you," said Bruce.

"Thanks! I can't say I'm proud of myself, exactly," said Quill. "Because I have no idea what I was going for there."

"How's Gamora?" asked Bruce.

"Both versions are dead. How's Jason?" asked Quill.

"Probably dead," said Bruce.

"My... Aunt's dead," said Peter. "Everyone I've ever cared about is dead."

"Yeah! Dead people!" cheered Star-Lord.

Meanwhile...

"So... Have you ever heard of Beyonce?" asked Thor.

"What? Aren't we supposed to be fighting Hela right now?" asked Billy. "Wait... where are Hela and Diana?"

The two of them look around.

"I dunno. Do you want to play 'I Spy with my Little Eye' while finding them?" asked Thor.

The pair begins to walk in a random direction.

"Is your first answer going to be that rock over there?" asked Billy, pointing to a rock a few meters away from them, quite literally the only object other than sand, stars, and sky that they both can see.

"Yes! By Odin's beard! I am quite impressed by your amazing skills!" smiled Thor. "Your turn!"

"Well!" laughed Billy.

Thor drops his hammer on the ground and spoke with Billy. "How did you even do that?"

Suddenly Thor's hammer flies upward and away in a random direction.

Meanwhile...

Diana, having killed most of the skeletons, flew toward Hela and swiped her sword, blasting a wave of lightning at Hela.

Both ladies are heavily injured by the battle that ensued. They panted and looked exhausted.

"I am Diana of Themyscira-..." said Diana, pointing her sword at Hela.

"Oh, Goddamnit, Bitch. Shut the hell up," said Hela, rolling her eyes out of annoyance.

"...-And I will not stop unless I have defeated you," said Diana, still breathing heavily.

"Diana, Goddess of Fights..." said Hela. "I am quite impressed... But I must tell you... Your title may be 'Goddess', but you are no different from Heracles, Jesus, Rama, or Vali. You are but a Demigoddess. A mutt of the 4th Worlders such as myself."

Hela blasted more blades toward Diana, who deflected all of them each nanosecond.

"Look at things from a different angle..."

Diana sees that nothing is protecting Hela from behind, and only from away.

Diana closes her eyes and hears Thor and Billy's conversation miles away behind Hela.

Diana held up her hand.

"What... What are you doing?" asked Hela.

"Why? Should it matter?" asked Diana.

"Yes... We're in the middle of a fight and you look like you're reaching out to me," said Hela. "Is everyone that horny to get some of this?" asked Hela, pointing to herself. "Disgusting. Then again, I am beautiful. I should ask Darkseid to get me a talk show or a reality show after th-!"

*CLANG*

Diana grabs Stormbreaker and bashes Hela's face with it.

*CLANG*

*RUMBLE*

*CRACKLE*

*CRACK SPLAT*

Hela fell on the ground, out cold.

SHAZAM and Thor zoom toward Diana and meet up with her.

"Oh! Hello, there, Diana Hypolitadaughter," smiled Thor. "Is... that my hammer?"

"Yes. Why?" asked Diana.

"How are you... Worthy-... Wait..." said Thor, grabbing his head having a headache. "I've had that enchanted in Nidavellir. How did-?"

"Here," said Diana, as Thor grabbed his hammer and drops it. "Slipped my hand..."

"Let's get everyone out of here... They know where we are..." said Diana.

"Can I lift it next?" asked Billy, smiling.