202. The Cannibal Clown Caverns

Bruce wakes up, gasping for breath in his bed.

He's in his bedroom. He looks beside him and sees his ally and friend, Diana Prince, naked beside him. He sighs and grabs her face.

Suddenly, he felt the breeze get stronger. He walked to the balcony to close the window, but then, a cloaked armored man came down before him. He wears armor similar to Iron Man's.

"Who are you supposed to be?" immediately asked Bruce.

"I am Victor von Doom. I go by many titles. Only one comes to my respect: Doctor," replied the armored man.

"Are you some kind of wizard?" asked Bruce.

"I am from another dimension," said Doom.

"So you're an Interdimensional Wizard," said Bruce.

"I rule a Kingdom called Latveria back on my home Earth," said Doom.

"Interdimensional Wizard King. Okay," sighed Bruce.

"I've heard that there are these nightmares you keep experiencing at the blade of each night," said Doom. "But, what if I could give you a different dream? A dream where all can prosper? A dream where humanity could stay at rest. A dream where you could finally... rest..."

Bruce turns to Diana takes a long look at her.

Bruce turns back to Doom with disappointment in himself. "Okay."

"A battle," said Doom. "I am inviting you to a battle between multiple worlds, but only those chosen. If you win this battle, I will offer you a wish.You can tell me any wish. You can tell me your wish now, in fact."

"Okay," said Bruce, shrugging. "I'll be very careful with my next words. I wish for one thing and by that I mean one thing only."

Doom nods.

"I wish for a timeline where Darkseid will be fated to die in our hands," said Bruce. "Our team. I wish to live that timeline... I wish for the whole Universe, and beyond that, will live in that timeline.I have faith in my words... and I'd like to have that wish no matter what it costs."

Doom sneered.

"Very well," said Doom.

"Your wish is my command."

"Monkey's paw..."

"A hundred thousand worlds turned to dust... and infinite more turned to dust by that one wish... I must thank Bruce Wayne for doing my job for me.I have strode in their bones and listened to the pathetic squall of my enemies... yet I still do not have the Anti-Life Equation.Tell me, Doom... What did Bruce wish for?" asked Darkseid, a large bulky and armored alien who stood on his throne.

Darkseid stood on a throne where the outside is just pure lava and some rocks lying around. His castle sat on top of a volcano. His throne was extremely hot.

"If I tell you, it would never happen, my Lord. Read my mind, the same will happen," said Doctor Doom.

"Eobard!" shouted Darkseid.

A Man in a Yellow Suit was genuflected before the New God.

"I want you to rise to the occasion and search for the Batman. I don't know what caused him to hide from my grasp, but I want you to find the remaining Heroes so I can continue slaughtering their kind," said Darkseid.

Darkseid then snapped his fingers, as Parademons pushed a blonde bearded man to the ground. He was handsome but bloodied and battered.

"Thor Odinson," his voice boomed. "Where is The Batman?"

Thor gritted his teeth.

Darkseid teleported in front of Thor's face. Thor didn't even see him move.

"Where is... The Batman?" he asked once more, leaning toward his face.

Thor spat on his face with blood. Darkseid grabs his face and prepares his Omega Beam.

"Only a god can kill a god. I wouldn't like to see your brain melt and flow like the rivers of the Still Force," he whispered. "But I would do it. Believe me, I would. So I'd ask you this one question."

Thor shivered in fear as Darkseid prepared his blast.

*ZOOM*

(theme begins)

(Ballroom Blitz by Sweet)

The Flash stood before the villains.

The Man in the Yellow Suit sneered.

"GET HIM!!!" boomed Darkseid.

The two Speedsters charge at each other and blasted fists toward each other at the speeds of light.

Thor headbutts the Parademons and breaks out of his chains, charging lightning all around his body.

Darkseid easily grabbed his face and pummeled him into the ground barely with any effort.

"Puny god..." he whispered.

"SHAZAM!!!" shouted someone.

Thor's eyes widened with a smug smile.

SHAZAM enters the court and slams Darkseid in the face with Thor's second hammer, Stormbreaker.

However, Darkseid is unscathed and barely flinched.

"Captain Sparkle Fingers!" smiled Thor.

"The very same," replied the man, Billy Batson.

Distracted, Thor flies upward and escaped with SHAZAM.

*ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZT*

Darkseid's Omega Beams are then immediately shot toward the two.

Suddenly...

*SSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHH*

Captain Marvel shields them by absorbing Darkseid's heat vision.

"Carol!" shouted Thor.

"GO!!!" shouted Captain Marvel.

Darkseid then teleported before her, grabbed her face, and slammed her face all over the ground.

"AAAAAAAAAAH-!!!" she shouted, as Darkseid threw her several kilometers into the sky.

"Let's go," said Billy.

Billy and Thor ran away.

"WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU!!?" asked Billy.

"Y'know... I've been killing some Demons... I ended up eating a squirrel or something..." said Thor. "Regular Old God stuff."

SHAZAM blasts away a Parademon that was behind Thor.

"GET THEM!!!" boomed Darkseid.

Doctor Doom flew toward them, slightly frustrated.

Darkseid flew toward them as well.

*BANG*

Prime-Superman, the one from the movies, punches Darkseid in the face. The punch was massive and made Darkseid flinch, but Darkseid grabs Prime-Superman's face and slams it into the molten lava below.

Superman-Prime, the one from CW's Superman and Lois, then used Heat Vision to blast Darkseid's eyes. Darkseid simply blocked the attack with one hand as he blasted Superman-Prime with his Omega Beam from behind.

Supergirl and Captain Marvel come together and punch Darkseid in the face from the back of his head, but he grabs them on their feet and throws them into the molten lava as if they were ragdolls.

The SHAZAM Family, five of them, Freddy, Mary, Darla, Eugene, and Pedro, then punch Darkseid over and over again from all around.

Darkseid simply blasted them away with his Omega Beams.

"All worlds will collapse in my name," whispered Darkseid. "I shall save your worlds by recreating them in my image... where all is at peace and harmony."

Scarlet Witch and Doctor Strange then blasted Darkseid to the point where he falls to his knee.

He roars violently as he prepared for another blast.

(theme ends with an echo)

Meanwhile, Thor and SHAZAM reach the others. Prime Flash, Cyborg, and Colossus.

"Colossus!" smiled Thor, doing a handgun gesture and clicking his tongue. "Still rockin' the metal body!"

Colossus simply and awkwardly nodded.

"Barry! Still not playing Fortnite, I presume?" asked Thor, as Barry replied with, "Fortnite will always be cringe. Also, we haven't had Fortnite for three years because we've been stuck in an alien planet while our home Universes have been destroyed."

"Your loss!" smiled Thor. "Victor! Stone!"

Cyborg turns to Thor.

"Say the thing! Say the thing again! Come on!" smiled Thor.

"No," replied Cyborg.

"C'mon, Victor! The man wants to hear you say the thing!" shouted Billy.

"You only want me to say it so you could hear it, too," said Victor.

"SAY IT!!!" shouted Thor.

Victor sighed.

"Booyah," he said.

"He said the thing," said Billy.

"Yep... he said it!" laughed Thor.

"It just doesn't fit the character," said Prime Barry.

"Poppycock," said Thor. "Where's Sarah and the others?"

"They're still finding The Guy," said Prime Barry.

Barry Prime, the other Barry from the TV Show Universe, zoomed back to them.

"Barry," said Barry Prime. "Could you handle Thawne?"

"He did kill my mother, too, so... sure!" smiled Prime Barry.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" said Thor. "What's going on right now?"

"I found Bruce," said Barry Prime. "He found it... The... *Ahem* *whispers* The Anti-Life Equation."

"WHAT!?" asked SHAZAM, shouting. "I mean... *whispers*... what?!"

"I can lead you to him," said Barry Prime. "But we have to work together."

"Oh, Goddamn it!" facepalmed Thor. "I completely forgot that I was working for Bruce!"

"Understandable," said Billy. "Us gods can be very forgetful since we mostly think about how awesome we are."

"The kid's got a point," said Thor.

"Shush! Listen!" shouted Barry Prime. "We have to go find them... Now!"

"'Them?'" asked Thor.

"In my dream... Bruce told me that he found someone who turns out is still alive," said Barry Prime.

"Who!?" asked Billy and Thor.

Meanwhile...

Peter whistles, "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga while walking with Bruce.

Bruce ends up whispering some of the lyrics, "I want your love and I want your revenge..."

"You listen to Pop Music?" asked Peter.

Bruce quietly replied. "I would listen to the top 10 pop songs each year for public image's sake. I just happened to remember that song from 2008."

"But you do enjoy it, right?" asked Peter.

"I prefer the Classics," said Bruce. "Bach, Mozart, Beethoven, Chopin... They help me drive more focus into my work."

"But... that you don't enjoy," smiled Peter. "And right now we've got nothing to do."

Peter and Bruce stare at the nothingness of the desert's horizon.

"You got an iPod feature in that armored suit of yours?" asked Peter.

2 minutes later...

Both sang in the desert while dancing in poses.

"Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh. oh-oh-oh... Caught in a bad romance!!!" both of them sang. "Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh. oh-oh-oh... Caught in a bad romance!!!Rah, rah-ah-ah-ah!!!Roma, roma-ma!!!Gaga, ooh-la-la!!!Want your bad romance!!!"

"I want your ugly, I want your disease!!!I want your everything as long as it's free!!!I want your love, love, love, love!!!I want your love!!!" sang Peter.

"I want your drama, the touch of your hand!!!" sang Bruce, as the two of them faced each other."I want your leather-studded kiss in the sandI want your love, love, love, loveI want your love!!!"

"(Love, love, love, I want your love)!!!" sang Peter.

Two aliens in armored suits with six insectoid legs stared at the two. One of them said, "Klerklerkirklerkler..." which translates to, "(Fucking Space Millennials.)"

The pair kept on walking and walking for hours until Bruce finds a village on the horizon.

After an hour, they reach their destination. It's some sort of cave structure. No one is there. It's made of caves dug into a canyon system.

There are several hills with holes all over them. There is no sand, which was replaced by yellow stone. The mountainous land was beautiful with stony curves which are perfectly smooth.

Bruce has a whiff of the air's scent.

Rotten flesh.

Bruce realizes where they are. He swallows some of his fear and turns to Peter.

"We have to get out of here," said Bruce.

"Why?" asked Peter.

Bruce prepares his Shattered Stars Repulsor Cannon.

"It seems we accidentally visited some of my family," said Bruce.

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

"Hoo hoo hoo hoo!!! Hee hee hee hee!!! Aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!"

"Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!"

"Wahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!"

Bruce prepares his repulsor cannons. Peter prepares his Instant Kill mode.

"B-Bruce?" asked Peter, as men and women with extremely bleached skins walked out from the caves. "Do you still kill people?"

"Ever since I tried to kill Clark ten years ago..." said Bruce. "Not really."

"I never killed at all," trembled Peter.

"Well, shit," said Bruce.

Bruce retracts his armor and prepares his fists.

"Bruce!?" asked Peter.

"Turn off your Instant Kill Mode and retract your armor," said Bruce. "We might die, but we'll die with honor."

Peter retracts his honor.

The Clowns take out daggers.

*shwing*

One clown throws his fist at Bruce as Bruce roundhouses him, knocking him out. Three clowns slash their daggers at Bruce as Bruce blocks all their attacks with his gauntlet. Bruce spins and sweeps their feet. Bruce took on one clown and beat him with a quick flurry of punches over and over again, breaking many of his bones. He then breaks another Clown's arm and back kicks him in the face, knocking him out. The last one then lunges his dagger toward Bruce from behind, but Bruce turns around. He then blocks the last one's dagger with his gauntlet, grabs him, and headbutts him, knocking him out.

Three clowns then approached Peter. Peter, meanwhile, goes in his crawling position and uses his web to knock both their heads together. Peter gives the third clown a single kick, knocking him out.

"Super strength, baby!" smiled Peter.

Bruce sighs and walks away.

"Come on!" shouted Peter. "Mr. Stark was human, too! He was richer, though."

"Ugh..." sighed Bruce.

"Hold it!!!" shouted someone from behind. The face is familiar. With long green hair, a red and bloody smile, black paint around his eyes, and bleached skin, he stood behind Bruce. "Turn around or I'll dust you to smithereens."

The two turn around and hold up their hands.

There is an army of twenty clowns, all having blasters pointed at them.

"Hello, Arthur," said Bruce.

"Hello, Batman," The Joker sneered. "AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"

"Hey! You must be his older brother!" nervously smiled Peter. "I'm Peter, by the way! Peter Parker!"

"Another one!?" asked The Joker. "I'd love to touch the cold feeling of his hands once I've murdered him as well.Still making boy wonders to a man's job?"

Bruce purrs out of rage.

"Sir?" asked one of the clowns, smiling. "I believe that our King of Comedy wishes to speak to The Batman."

"Ah, yes! The King would like to meet you!" smiled The Joker. "Thank you for reminding me, Todd.Ah yes... It's lunchtime..."

*PEW*

*SPLAT*

Todd's head explodes with blood.

"Come on! Eating time!" shouted The Joker, as the Clowns immediately knelt and feasted on Todd's body and innards.

Peter closes his eyes, out of horror.

The Joker sighs.

"Animals, I say," said The Joker. "Told me they wouldn't leave any for the rest of us..."

The Joker whistles twice as two of the Clown Soldiers stood up and approach him.

"I want you to help me bring Batman and the Boy to the Chaos King himself," said The Joker.

The two soldiers nodded. They then grabbed the pair, chained them, and walked them along with The Joker toward "The King."

They went to several tunnels that smelled awful. Each tunnel smelled like rotten flesh, blood, and bile. They reached the end and into the throne room. There stood a man with a similar Batsuit, but with no eyeholes and with spikes in its place. Also, this man has bleached skin.

"You..." sighed Bruce.

"Oh my God, it's you," shivered Peter.

The man's jawline was the same as Bruce's, but he has a large smile.

"Hello, Batman!" he smiled. He has a voice changer as well. But unlike Bruce's, it did not make his voice sound deep. It made his voice sound like a screeching demon.

"How are you still alive!?" asked Peter.

This man replied. "I'm Batman."

Before this man was several chained children in Robin suits. Bruce eyes them and softly closes his eyes in disgust.

"What's wrong, Batman?" asked Batman -22. "Are memories seeping into that mind of yours that offends you?"

"Look, Bruce," said Prime Bruce. "I'd really like to not kill right now. But if you touch the boy-..."

"AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!" he cackled. "Kill you!? I'm not here to kill you! I'm here to invite you as my guests!"

The Joker unchains them.

"What!?" asked the pair.

"Welcome to The Cannibal Clown Caverns! We are here to discuss a truce with you!"

Later...

The pair sat down on their chairs at the large dining table filled with Cannibal Clowns.

Bruce and Peter sat beside The Batman Who Laughs.

"So... Bruce..." said Prime-Bruce.

"Yes, Bruce?" asked Bruce -22.

"I'd like to ask you... why am I here?" asked Prime-Bruce.

Suddenly, a dish is served for them.

Peter takes a bite with his spoon, and Bruce sees that he's too late.

Peter tries to take another bite with his spoon, but Bruce grabs his hand.

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!" laughed Bruce -22. "OH, SNAP!!! THE BATMAN'S TOO SMART FOR OUR FUNNIES!!! WE STILL HADN'T GOT HIM!!!"

The Joker laughs, who is at the other side of the table.

"Why'd you stop me, Mr. Wayne?" asked Peter.

Bruce shakes his head. The plate is filled with flesh with oddly wrinkled skin.

"But-!" shouted Peter.

Bruce just shook his head again.

"So..." said Prime-Bruce. "Why am I here?"

"Oh, right!" he sneered. "I want to tell you about 'The Guy.'"

Prime-Bruce got interested. "Keep talking."

"I could tell you the location if you do one thing for me," he sneered. "I'd like you to take two things away from me."

"You'd like me to take something from you?" asked Prime-Bruce. "You're just giving me three things, then."

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!" laughed Bruce -22. "No, no, no... I'd like you to take two vexing things away from me."

The Joker sobbed. "They just keep flirting and fucking each other all night even though she's supposed to be guarding him against his escape! Instead, she walks into his cell every night and cheats on me, THAT BITCH! I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE!!! IT'S BROKEN!!! TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME!!!"

"You used 'it' and 'she' interchangeably," said Bruce. "You must mean Harley. So she's here this whole time?"

"YES!!!" shouted The Joker.

"As my comrade stated, we'd like you to take Ms. Quinn away from us... Like... far away... along with her annoying manwhore."

"Who?" asked Peter.

The two realize who it is.

"Oooooh..." they said.

Giggling could be heard in the cell.

"You listen to 'Wham!'?" whispered a man.

"Yeah," someone giggled. "I just love their songs! Do you like Starship?"

"We built this city!" sang the man.

"We built this city on rock and roll!!!" she replied, singing.

(We Built This City by Wham!)

"Just saying, you have a nice ass," said the man.

"Aw! Puddin'! You, too!" lovingly replied the woman.

"No, you!" said the man.

"No, you!" said the woman.

"Stop it!" said the man. "You're making me blush!"

*squeak*

The cell opened to reveal a blonde bleach-skinned woman with black lipstick and a man with wrinkles comparable to a raisin's.

"Oh my God! Peter! My second favorite Peter! And Bruce!" smiled the man.

"Wade," said Bruce, nodding. "Harley."

Bruce turns to the Joker.

"Yeah, we're not taking them," said Bruce.

"Mr. Wayne, they have the location for 'The Guy!' It's the best thing we could do!" explained Peter.

"Well!?" asked The Joker, facing Harley.

"Hold on, Puddin', it's my ex," said Harley, sweetly.

Harley turns to The Joker.

"Hello, Fleck," she said in a mundane voice.

"Wow..." said The Joker, nodding in pain. "...First name basis." His voice trembled.

"That's your last name, you idiot," said Harley.

The Joker shouts, "OH!!! JUST RUB IT IN, HARLEY!!! RUB IT IN WHILE YOUR NEW BOYFRIEND WATCHED!!!"

"We actually eloped!" she smiled.

"To be honest, I don't want to be between this, guys," said Wade. "What do you think, Guy Who's Reading This? Should I be part of this conversation? Yeah, I guess I should!"

"Who is he talking to?" asked Peter, whispering to Bruce.

"It's just a thing he does. We'd know later on," replied Bruce, whispering back.

"Oh, and by the way!" shouted Harley. "I'm pregnant!"

The Joker gasps.

"Yeah!" shouted Wade.

"Stay outta this conversation, puddin'," said Harley.

"Okay," said Wade, turning to Bruce. "So, Batman! How was your day?"

"Fine?" asked Bruce.

"YOU'RE PREGNANT!!?" shouted The Joker. "YOUNG LADY, YOU ARE WAY MORE GROUNDED THAN BEFORE!!! YOU ARE HEREBY EXILED FOR LIFE!!!"

"Don't worry, Harley," said Wade. "We'll run away together... away from these overbearing authority figures in our lives. We'd run away and have our child. Who cares what society thinks about us?"

"You're fucking someone who isn't in your kind! It's unnatural!" shouted The Joker.

"Shut up, Fleck!" replied Harley. "Don't bother banishing me! I'm running away!"

"Young lady-!!!" shouted The Joker, as they argue once more in the background.

"I have no idea how this relationship works," said Peter.

"Me neither, kid," said Bruce. "Uh... Not to bother you, but where's 'The Guy?'"

"Oh," said The Joker. "He's in the Mountains of the Far South. ANYWAYS-!!!"

"So... he's in the South Pole?" asked Peter.

"I heard that Sludge there is almost impossible to mine, so we'd better pack up," said Bruce. "We'll take 'em."

"Oh, were you still in the middle of thinking?" asked The Joker.

The four leave the Cannibal Clown Caverns.

"Why were you in that cell, Wade?" asked Bruce.

"Oh!" shouted Wade. "I was what you were eating."

"I didn't eat anything," said Bruce. The three turn to Peter.

Peter immediately knelt on the ground and vomited. "Oh, God..."

"Like how I tasted, Hannibal Parker?" asked Wade.

"Oh, shut the fuck up, Wade," said Bruce.

Harley giggled. "How's the dish, Peter Dhamer?"

"Harley!" asked Bruce, now, very frustrated.

"Guys... come on..." said Peter, holding his stomach, bowing, and kneeling. He pukes again.

"We have to keep going west and reach the Abandoned Tower," said Bruce. "There, we'd meet a few old friends..."