VIII.

Tantan always loved buildings, structures, and images. Bata pa lang siya aliw na aliw na siya sa mga ito. Madalas kasi siyang pag hintayin ng nanay at tatay niya noong elementary pa siya bago siya sunduin sa eskwelahan kaya ginawa niyang pampa-lipas oras ang pagti-tig sa mga tindahan, buildings at bahay sa harap ng school niya. He draws them in his notebook hanggang sa napamahal na siya sa sketching.

Partly the reason bakit saulo ni Tantan ang lahat ng detalye ng simbahan. Asides from the enormous and immaculate painting sa dingding he particularly likes the altar that houses some of the most beautiful statues he's ever seen in his life. Tila mamahaling koleksyon ang mga ito. Kumikinang sila dahil sa gold and white embossed ornaments that travels the dividers which separates them from each other.

Ngayong taon ay mas special dahil ang napiling color palette ng simbahan for its decorations ay apple pink, white and orange. Kaya naman tadtad ang palibot ng luxurious drapes with these colors. Even the walls surrounding the church are filled with Christmas lights and poinsettia flower dangling from up above covering the brown walls, making the church look like a garden of vineyards.

Buti na lang pinayagan si Tantan ng nanay na pumasok sa simbahan para ibalik ang sukli. Hindi din niya maintindihan ang sarili. Nawala siya sa wisyo. Parang hindi na ata iyon normal. Ganito ba ang nararamdaman ni Paloma kapag may bago siyang nagugustuhan o baka ito yung madalas i-kwento sa kaniya ni Justine tuwing magde-date sila ni Kevin sa Shaw Boulevard at nagsusubuan sila ng nilagang mani. Yung nawawala ka sa sarili mo.

Could it be that he is starting to like this boy? This sounds an alarm in his head at mapapahigpit ang kapit ni Tantan sa sampung piso na nasa loob ng palad niya. He tells himself that coming there was a stupid plan. But it seems like his feet have another brain. He bravely storms the gigantic wooden door kung saan may malalaking wreath na nakasabit. He doesn't even know where the boy is, but he will follow his heart.

He is then welcomed by the shiny gray marble floor. You can almost see through your soul. Mapapalunok siya as his breathing began to be unstable. He walks with ease trying to conceal the nerve wracking feeling and he starts to concentrate on the thick white line on the ceiling. It began to pulsate, and he could hear his own heart slamming onto his chest like it wants to get out.

Tantan reaches the end of the church. The lines are still pulsating when suddenly all the Christmas lights turned on. The lights mixed in his vision creating a boke background jumping like happy spirits. From the left side of the altar the boy who gave him a rose emerges habang may bitbit na timba na may lamang mga basahan.

He has a question mark written across his face. Tantan can't speak parang binawian siya ng langit ng kakayahang magsalita.

''Mamaya pa po yung misa'' sabi ng binata. Tantan shakes his head and composes himself. ''Hindi. Uhm. Ano kasi. Sobra pala yung bayad mo.'' Inabot niya yung barya at walang pag-aalinlangan na kinuha ito ng binata. He puts the money inside his pocket and walks past Tantan like nothing happened. As the boy pass by him, he could feel his cold aura and it made him feel awkward.

He should have followed his head and not his heart. This is a stupid move. Napa-hiya siya. Pero ano ba ang ine-expect niya na reaksyon ng binata? Magpakilala sa kaniya kagaya ng mga napapanood niya sa pelikula. Does he expect to embody Paloma or Justine who are both so honest about feeling something romantic towards another person. Parang hindi siya ganun. In the end it was his expectations that slightly bruised his little heart that's just beginning to feel something.

Tantan looks up and sees that the lines are no longer pulsating, suddenly the Christmas lights were turned off and he found himself basking in the shadows brought by the dim sunlight from a nearby window.

He gets it. It's already a rejection in the making. And so, with heavy steps Tantan got out of the church and went back to the bakery and helped her mother hanggang mawala sa isip niya ang nangyari kanina. But it was becoming impossible to not think of it.

Everytime Tantan sketches at hindi niya nagugustuhan ang iginuhit he would grab another piece of paper and revise his own work. Ito yung gusto niyang gawin, revise what happened earlier. If only he had a time machine, he would count the payment of the boy twice para hindi na siya bumalik sa loob ng simbahan.

Tantan obsessed about this memory hanggang pag-uwi. While he helps her mother and Jennifer cook for their Noche Buena hanggang sa pag-sapit ng mga oras papalapit ng kapaskuhan. He desperately wants to get out of his own head.