What Is Love? (ii)

{ARMANDO}

She looks at me after I have asked her what love is because I have no clue what that is.

If you want to know anything about depression, self-loathe, or just anything with a self, and the next word is negative, come to me, and I will explain everything about that to you. But ask me anything related to love and peace of mind I am clueless.

I don't think it's my fault or anyone's fault that I don't know about love, but today since I am next to my therapist who is looking at me as if I'm the best thing that she has ever seen, I think she is the best person to give me an answer.

She continues playing with my hair and I really feel good. This is wrong yet I find myself calming to her touch. I used to hear people saying that whenever someone you love touches your hair there is something you feel. I don't know if it is this they normally refer to, but it is good.

Did I just say someone you love? Oh, dear.

OK. Let me make this clear by giving an example. Have you ever seen when anyone pats the kid's hair and how he/she goes directly to sleep?

Yes, that's the perfect example of what I am feeling right now as she is playing with my hair.

She looks away and then she looks back at me, emotion passes through her eyes which I can't place my finger on, I don't know if it's because I've been crying or maybe I'm tired or what. I am not so sure, but I'm very sure what I see in her eyes is regret.

I don't want her to feel regret nor do I want this to be my fault that she feels that way because I have reminded her of the past which I am sure was not good. It will be bad, I don't want to make her cry or upset this is my day. My day to cry, my day to vent to her about everything which has been bothering me.

It's funny thinking about it like this, I never thought I will refer to the day I tell her everything as my day. I haven't even told her how half of the things I had planned to tell her. I began telling her and then I started bawling out my eyes like a small baby.

But trust me, I don't feel bad at all. I feel rejuvenated and alive.

If anyone could have told me when I am sad I should cry and the result will be me feeling as if I can fly, a feeling of happiness and strength then that's what I could have been doing in the past.

I know, I know. It is okay I have realized about this now and I can cry all I want, and from the way am always out of it. I'll cry during the morning, lunch, afternoon, and evening. Hell, I will cry anytime I feel like I want to cry.

I am sad every time of the day, my sadness always creeps in be it in the morning, in the evening the afternoon and the only time I have a peace of mind is when I remember that I have a session with my therapist and that's when you can find that I am just happy and I'm eagerly waiting for her to come.

What I'm still surprised at is how even if you cry a lot, tears still come. I have cried a lot today, after this, I will have to keep myself hydrated. I've been crying for what seems like twenty minutes, and this has to be the longest time ever.

The last time I remember crying this much but it is not the same, was when Mr. Jaime's wife died. Yes, Arthur's mother died and that was when I had cried so much that my mother had to try different things to stop me from crying.

"Armando." The therapist calls me. I look at her with raised eyebrows, she smiles at me she's the best. Like she's always smiling l swear I have never seen her sad.

She asks me, "why are you smiling?" Instead of answering her, I smile. Okay, maybe I am doing everything today, and to say the truth I feel good.

"Oh, nothing. I am just been thinking my things you know, personal kind of stuff." I tell her and chuckle at how she is looking at me.

She giggles and it is for the third time since I stopped crying my eyes out. This is good and all I want to do is stand and high-five myself. I think there's something I'm doing good like she's enjoying this.

I asked her, "what is it?"

She tells me, "oh it is nothing." I look at her and when she sees I am not going to back down she continues, "okay, don't get mad at me but I don't know why you are telling me you are just thinking something personal while I know everything about you, Armando."

I nod at her with a grin, that is true. She knows a lot of things about me so I think we have crossed that line of saying, "it is something personal."

A few months ago if she had told me something like this I could have told her something along the line of, "you can go to hell." But now it's different and I think she has noticed it too and that is why has commented that.

"So?"

"So?" She asks me and leans closer with a smirk, and there is something in her voice, is this an invitation or am I reading something else? I look away, I don't want to read into things I am not supposed to, I turn back to look at her and tell her, "you remember I ask you what is love?"

"Yeah, I don't think I know too." She says.

"Why?" Oh, come on, I really wanted to know what it means and I wanted to know from her.

She looks away, and says to me, "I cheated."

"You did what?" I ask her with absolute shock in my voice.