Chapter 159: WHEN HOPE LOSES ITS BRIM

(Ken's POV)

I quickly stood up upon seeing Lluming,

"You look...sad, is another bad thing happening?"

"Oh, nothing. Just..let's resume training,"

"Ah, alright. I'll make sure to give my everything."

.

.

.

I couldn't believe it. I feel hot all over,

The absorption, it activates whenever the markings appear,

Whenever I feel like I'm gonna lose,

It shows its true power.

But...I don't know how to blast it accurately,

It feels...quite...heavy.

As if it's going to tear my arm apart,

How am I to make use of it? When it's hurting me a lot.

I felt the burden getting bigger and bigger,

No matter how much I remind myself of who I'm fighting for.

It still doesn't change the fact that my arms were almost falling off,

And my body, almost shutting down from exhaustion.

I'm deeply tired. Irritated. Angry of this endless routine.

But I can't complain. Because I needed to win.

Even so...it...it hurts so much I can't totally describe it,

And I know it's not being pathetic.

It's just what it is.

Enduring all the pain only for a miss.

"You missed the shot," Lluming reminded my failure,

"I know. But...I can't...I still can't control,"

"You're good at dodging, but you won't win if you don't shoot in turn,

Your ancestors passed you such a great deal of power,

It's sad you're having a hard time to learn."

"But...it's...it's not that easy!"

I felt fuming, truly angry.

It was the first time in a while I released this side of me.

The frustrated, impatient side of me.

I don't know how I look like, but it gave Sir Lluming a shock,

"Ken, refrain from anger. This isn't who you are,"

But it's who I am. Does he think just because I'm chosen I'd be perfect and kind?

No. I'm very angry, sleepy and tired.

And he brings up how fast my ancestor learned this,

Of how much of a prodigy she is.

But I'm...I'm angry at the fact that I'm really trying!

And he's acting like I'm not even doing so.

His eyes were looking at me the way my mom used to.

As if saying, "I expected better of you."

But oh gosh, even God knows how much I'm trying!

I know I need to do my best, and there's no room for losing but...

Darn it! Don't act like you know me, Sir Lluming!

Can I take a break being this good ol' dog that's always following orders?

I just wanted to survive, and now I'm always being told.

Is my body not my own now?

I feel myself breaking down.

And in a few seconds I really did,

I fell, hopelessly to my knees.

I'm going through this over and over again,

I thought I'm done with this.

Done with this doubt that I'll pull it off,

But...seems like a human would always go through this,

No matter how long.

Self-doubt...had always been my twin,

We were close as a child, always has been.

And as Lluming looked at me, with those strict blue eyes,

I wanted to beg, I wanted to ask why I was chosen.

I wish I was given hope, powers aside.

Because it's easier to count on someone than...

do something you're not sure you can.

But sir Lluming, I understand why he's persistent on training,

He wanted no time wasted. He undeniably had lost more than I did,

I know I shouldn't be complaining.

But...

Damn it.

How can all this...be happening?

"Sir Lluming, it's too heavy,"

"You'll learn to handle the hotness and weight eventually,"

And then...I don't know what to say next,

I don't even know what I wanted.

If I want him to stop the training because I'm near to crying,

Or if I want him to say it IS heavy, and it's hopeless of trying.

I don't know what I'm aiming for when I said that,

Maybe I just want him to know I AM hurting a lot.

It's not easy being the chosen, no, you don't do it for pride,

It's not cool or great to have powers,

When you have these responsibilities in mind.

It hurts so bad, every pain, it's carved in my skin,

I felt like my body weren't even listening.

"Can you continue?" He asked, still serious,

And I couldn't help but wonder,

Did he mean the truth? Or what the right answer should?

I gulped. And thought about it.

Reminded myself to keep going.

But damn it, the words won't come out,

And I'm sure sir Lluming now was certain of my doubts.

"When the war happens,

you don't take breaks,

You can't cry in the face of your enemies,

Hoping their hearts would melt.

No, that pathetic thing, don't happen in reality,

They'd cut off your head, without a second thought of mercy.

I'm tough on you not because I don't understand,

But because I know you can.

You're a strong boy,

No, a strong man,

You may have doubts but,

We have those too.

You just have to turn your doubts into wants.

Turn your frustrations into motivation.

It's not easy, but nothing really is,

You need to stand up, come on, up with your knees."

"But what if I really can't do it?"

"What? You want to quit?

All your training, the friend who died for you, all those...gone in a blink?

Done in vain?

Hate me or like me, I'm telling this because being strong is the only choice we have,

Those monsters out there, they won't pity you, they won't listen,

So the only option is to fight.

Tell them all your struggles? Remind them they're doing wrong?

I tried them all in my long experience,

But guess what?

None of those worked.

They are armed, they have intent,

No way they'd waste it all just because you said so,

They know what they want, and you need to remind yourself of what you want.

A better future, isn't that what you love?

You need to man up Ken,

I'm not here all the time to remind you that,

Sir Michael may have actually listened,

But...listening and tolerating you won't do anything of value.

I know you're in a verge of tears,

Body sore, maybe even weak,

But...you need to aim properly,

You need to actually, be able to HURT me."

...

"You know, I'm really worried about Ken,"

Mar said as Joseph nodded in agreement.

"Yep, those eyes look pretty done to me,"

"Do you think he'd be able to do it?"

"Well, it depends on the person,

I don't really know.

The human psyche is unpredictable after all,

Let's just hope he gets back on track,"

"I just want him to be happy,"

"Well, he won't be.

At least not now, you know, since training had rarely been ever fun."

"Well how much time do we have left?"

"I hope still a lot. Or he won't succeed at this rate.

Hm, looking at it now, his ancestor sure feels like a myth,

How could she seal those demons away back then? This ability could surely be a curse or a gift."

"Well, she must have years of preparation,"

"No. She hardly trained at all,

It just activated, and somehow she quickly learned,

But...of course like I said, it's like a legend of some sort.

It might feel like a dream but it's true,

Sir Lluming and Eleazar saw it happen.

She sealed them after awakening her complete form,

And her sons sealed the demons once again when they broke free years later on."

"Why did it took longer for them to break free?"

"Because there's two of them, and they got more help sealing the deal.

However, human sins and greed easily rusted the chains holding them back,

And when people sought for immortality,

It caused a whole lot.

Such greed was unforgivable.

It's searching for an impossible cure.

And humans should have known,

But ignored it, despite being warned and told.

I hope Ken could save this.

After all, I still believe in some humans at least.

Cruel people may have revealed themselves with all the chaos going on,

But some still chose to sacrifice, save and learn.

Although not many, there is still hope,

After all, even a single pair could make it work.

Remember Noah's ark?

A single pair of every breed of animal could make a new start.

And it proves that even if what would last're only a few,

People could still thrive and start anew.

And I believe in Ken, he's a good guy after all,

He's just tired, and that's totally normal."

"I hope we're as strong as you, mentally, Angel Joseph,"

"Ah, you're incredibly strong yourself.

Don't underestimate what you've gone through, you're amazing,

Just chin up, and as the saying goes, keep going.

When hope loses its brim,

It feels so confusing, of where else to begin.

But you shouldn't lose hope when there's a reason to fight it all,

Humans are strong, and they're certainly not made to fall.

If Ken finishes this training,

Be sure to remind him why he's called."