Spectrum

ee was just staring at me like I'm a casualty in a slasher film, and when I asked him why, he pointed out the obvious. "Iyong cell phone mo, kanina pa nagri-ring! Can you answer that so that I can relax here bago ako mag-shower?" hiyaw niya ng napakalakas which made me want to giggle kasi what he said was ironic knowing na siya 'yong klase ng tao na mahilig mang-istorbo kapag natutulog ka.

I grabbed the phone after I put my cup of coffee on the table. "Oh, ano?" I coldly said on Mathias. He was very insistent na samahan ko siyang mag-bar kasama ang mga kaibigan niya since he's afraid daw to go home alone at midnight. His other reason to persuade me is that this will be my last night out daw bag ang pasukan which will be in two days na lang.

"Sumama ka na kasi. You'll meet the best people there," he persisted. I can hear the desperation through his voice, and as a good friend that I am, I said yes even though I'm not in the mood to party.

Narinig ko siyang may sinabi sa kabilang linya bago niya ibinaba ang kanyang tawag, at ako nama'y nagbihis to look presentable in front of his peers.

Natawa si Lee nang makita niya akong naka-porma.

"Ano ang nakakatawa, ha?" wika ko sa kanya habang nakasimangot. He just looked at me from my head to feet and continued to laugh. "Tto-rai," he said before he went to the bathroom with only a towel.

Nang sinara niya ang pinto ay kumatok ako to ask him kung ano ang ibig sabihin n'on, and as usual, being a nuisance as he is, wala siyang sinagot.

"Am I talking to the wall?!" I irritatingly asked him. Kumatok pa ako ng isang beses only for him to open the bathroom door. There he was, standing with just his towel on, laughing at me again. Maluha-luha na siya sa kakatawa.

"What's your problem? And what was that tto- something that you said awhile ago?" tanong ko sa kanya nang naka-kunot noo. Nakakapikon ang roommate na ganito, 'yong walang kwentang kausap. Buti na lang he had grown on me - like a fungi.

"Wala lang. It means you're cute. Good luck sa date mo," he answered, still refraining himself from laughing. The way I wanted to strangle him.

"No, it isn't," sabi ko sa kanya. If I were cute, he wouldn't be laughing at me like that.

"Eh, 'di bahala ka kung ayaw mong maniwala," he answered before he closed the bathroom door and locked it.

"Gago!" I shouted at him before I kicked the door.

"Babo!" rinig kong sigaw niya sa loob ng bathroom, then I heard someone knocking the front door. I checked out kung sino iyon through the peephole and I found out that it's Mathias with his flashy turquoise polo shirt. I smiled when I realized that even though the owner of this dormitory made an effort to place an elevator and peepholes in all the rooms, hindi siya nag-effort na maglagay ng air conditioner sa rooms dito. He's wickedly smart.

Bumalik ako sa hwisyo ko at binuksan ko ang pinto. Si Mathias, parang tatanggal na ang leeg sa kakahanap kay Lee mula nang pumasok siya sa kwarto namin. "Sa C.R.," I whispered to his ear and he giggled like a kid after that. I just shrugged as I was putting my shoes on.

"Do you know how to speak Korean?" I asked him reluctantly.

He looked at me while raising his eyebrows. "Slight lang. Bakit?"

"Can I ask you again?"

He rolled his eyes. "You're already asking."

"Ang suplado naman nito. Do you know what babo means?"

He laughed at me. "Oh, why? Did he call you by that?"

I clenched my wrist as I said that he should not answer my question with another one.

"Now you're the suplado one," he responded while pouting. "But to answer your question, babo means crazy - or tanga kung gusto mo ng Tagalog para damang-dama," he added before he bursted out of laughing.

Sabi na nga ba na wala akong makukuha sa lalaking iyon. Puro kalokohan lang ang alam sa buhay. "Let's go na," I firmly demanded to Mathias, and before he even uttered a word, I stomped off to the front door and waited for his apologetic face to follow me. I shut the door piercingly, at nang papunta na kami ni Mathias sa elevator, the door opened only for us to hear a word from Lee.

"Babo!"

"Babo ka rin, gago!" I shouted back.

He's being a nuisance na naman. Kainis!

*****

Ear-wrenching music, blinding lights, and ostentatious people: The usual things that you'd see in a club. Sa totoo lang, I would rather be in a milk tea shop than here. Good thing is that most people in this club don't really care about my existence.

What I did not know is that 'yong friends pala na tinutukoy ni Mathias sa akin ay isang click pala ng gay guys, and right now I am here, pretending to enjoy the moment even though I can't understand half of what these people are saying. Maybe this guy in particular, the one with neon green shirt and pink hair color, expresses his feelings better when he talks swardspeak or something like that as per Mathias.

I was just smiling while I nod my head kapag nagsasalita sila, then I'd take a shot of the boulevardier that I am holding. Parang routine na nga 'yong ginagawa ko, but it's better this way kasi I'm feeling like an outcast here.

Mathias borrowed my phone because he didn't bring his own, and may tatawagan daw kasi siya since it's an emergency daw. I've been around with these strangers for half an hour already, and I could not even look at them in the eyes. Nakatutok lang ang atensyon ko sa mojito na hinahawakan ko.

"So, are you Mathias's boyfriend?" tanong ng naka-bucket hat na kaibigan ni Mat.

I cowered before I answered him that we're just childhood friends. Nagulat sila sa sinabi ko because they thought that we are dating. 'Yong isang guy, presumably the boyfriend of the guy in neon green, asked me several questions about myself while the guy in with bucket hat handed me a mojito.

Dahil sa medyo nawala na rin 'yong pagkahiya ko, nagtanong na rin ako sa kanila tungkol sa buhay nila. Hindi pa man kami close ng mga taong nasa kasa-kasama ko, pero ayokong magmukhang tanga rito sa gilid nila while they're conversing with each other. Epekto na rin siguro ng alak kung bakit ako maging madaldal bigla.

"If you guys do not mind, can I ask personal questions about you?"

JM, the guy with pink hair, nodded as he smiled. "Sure, Grey. Itanong mo lang," wika niya.

I thanked him before I asked on what it's like being gay in this country.

JM smirked before he answered me. "Alam mo, maswerte na kami sa panahon natin ngayon. I have met older gays and they told me na we are privileged na nga sa kalagayan namin even though gays aren't fully accepted in the Philippines," he said. "Kahit na we are generally tolerated pa lang, at kahit na marami pa rin ang 'di sang-ayon sa kung ano kami, what we have right now is a victory. Dati, gays are being mocked for who they are and how they express themselves. 'Yong tito kong gay nga nakapag-out na just a decade ago pa lang. That's how hard their lives were before," he added.

JM'S boyfriend chimed in and gave us his two cents about LGBT in the Philippines as well.

"Gays were identified as butts of jokes before. Evident nga iyan kahit sa old movies natin dito. Hindi naman sa nilalahat ko sila, a, pero it was evident talaga," he said. "And you know what's even more depressing to think of? Na kahit 'yong MTRCB ay naglabas ng memorandum nearly twenty years ago where they blatantly asked media producers to avoid broadcasting stuff about the LGBT relationship kasi it was an abnormality of human nature daw," dagdag pa niya. Kitang-kita ko ang galit sa mukha niya while talking to us.

I looked down as I said, "That's cruel."

"But the funny thing is that we are not abnormal beings. Oo, bakla ako, bakla si Mathias, bakla si Juan Miguel, at bakla si Vaughn, pero normal kami. That's the reason why I chose to study Film and Cinema para maging isa rin ako sa mga taong magiging dahilan para mag-iba ang imahe namin sa popular culture," as what JM'S boyfriend bitterly responded.

Vaughn, the guy with the cool bucket hat eventually added na meron pa siyang isang issue sa society regarding sa kanila. "Bakit okay lang sa mga tao na magsabi ng "bakla" sa isang bakla, pero kapag nagsabi ang bakla sa isang babae ng "babae" o "lalaki" sa isang lalaki, parang insulto ito sa kanila?"

I shyly smiled and told him na hindi ko gets ang sinabi niya in which in-elaborate niya talaga for me to get his point.

"If a guy tells me the word "bakla" which is tama naman, hindi nila naiisip na mao-offend ako because they think na wala namang mali sa sinabi nila, but if I respond, "Oh, ano iyon, lalaki?" sa kanya, bakit most of the time dinadamdam nila iyon as if I said something wrong about him?" He raised his eyebrows before he added some more. "Kahit kami nakakaranas din ng double standards, pero we tend to keep quiet because we're good at hiding things."

I was speechless for awhile. Doon ko nalaman 'yong viewpoint nila in certain issues and nasasaktan ako in behalf of them.

I tried to eradicate the tension as I asked JM and his boyfriend about their relationship. JM told me na he's happy with his partner and so did the other guy. Mag-iisang year na raw sila this coming September and they are planning to go to Baguio to celebrate it.

Out of nowhere, I asked them on how gay relationships work. It must be the alcohol that keeps me asking stuff out of my curiosity.

"Katulad lang naman kami ng ibang relationships. 'Yong sa amin lang, we value talaga our love kasi bihira ka lang makakahanap ng partner mo kapag nasa gay ka, e. Most gays, based on my experience, tend to chase sex more than love. Meron kasing iba sa amin na naka-plaster na sa utak nila na walang constant pagdating sa gay relationship. Tikim-tikiman lang, gan'on," JM's boyfriend said before he looked at Vaughn whereas the other one rolled his eyes at him and mouthed "Fuck you, Kiko." while raising his middle finger in front of us.

"But then JM came into my life and taught me a vital lesson when it comes to love and that is to learn it. Hindi siya 'yong taong hanggang tikim lang; he's for keeps. The thing about gay love is that it's not easy to meet someone that you will love in the most romantic and accidental way, kaya kapag nahanap mo 'yong The One without even trying, consider yourself lucky," Kiko said while smiling.

JM stopped him from talking when he directly told everyone that sex is also great kapag sa same sex. "Alam mo 'yong right spots ng partner mo because you also have it, so it's pretty much easier to please him in bed, 'di ba?" sabi niya sabay nudge kay Kiko while winking at him. I just grinned on how sweet they were. Naiinggit ako sa kanila, but at the same time I don't want to have someone in my life that could mess up my academics.

What they have is something that I want to have: Their courage to talk about how they feel on certain things without holding back, their self-awareness that most people lack, and their drive and passion for each other.

Marami akong nalaman sa gabing ito, and dare I say this, but I'm glad I obliged Mathias's request to go along with him here.

Speaking of Mathias, he only came back when the informative conversations between Kiko, JM, Vaughn, and I ended.

"Aba, umalis lang ako ng saglit, pag balik ko ay mukhang close na kayong lahat, a," he jokingly said.

I wish I had the guts to tell him that I made it possible not because he helped me with it but because how great these people were, pero I'd rather keep quiet na lang.

The alcohol probably got the best of us as we shamelessly danced until we were exhausted. This is the fifth mojito na nainom ko, and as I was sitting on the chair near the bar's counter, may babaeng lumapit sa akin. She smelled like marshmallows and alcohol which turned me on, and even though my vision wasn't clear, I knew that she's pretty damn attractive.

I kissed her lips, and the woman bit my lower lip that I can taste my own blood. Mas na-arouse ako that I used my tongue to pleasure ourselves as well. I touched her breasts and I felt how hard her nipples were. I caressed them gently hanggang sa makaramdam ako ng init sa aking katawan.

Hinatak niya ako papunta sa women's comfort room to have a quickie, and I obliged gracefully. Midway to the path papuntang C.R. ay may humablot ng kamay ko.

"What the fuck are you doing?" wika ng babaeng kasama ko. The other person didn't respond; hinatak niya lang ako papalayo sa kanya hanggang sa hindi ko na maalala ang sumunod na nangyari.

*****

I woke up with the worst hangover that I have ever experienced in my life. Grabe ang sakit ng ulo ko, and I feel like I wanted to throw up right now. On top of that, hinang hina ako that I could not properly walk papuntang bathroom, pero sinubukan ko pa rin.

Nang tinignan ko ang sarili ko sa bathroom mirror, nagulat ako na naka-sando na ako at naka-boxers. It makes me wonder kung paano ako nakauwi rito, but as I went back to my bed, pumasok na rin si Lee ng kwarto.

May dala siyang takeouts from McDonald's which is good for two people. Tinignan ko lang siya habang nilalagay niya ang pancakes at chicken sa kama ko without looking at me or uttering a single word. He also placed a bottled water beside it after that, pero wala pa rin siyang imik.

"Lee," I said. He pretended not to hear anything so I said his name again.

Wala pa ring response galing sa kanya. I thanked him for the food and water, and he just nodded. Doon na ako nairita that I asked him kung ano'ng meron sa kanya at bakit ang moody niya.

"Sa susunod kasi, mag-ingat ka. Huwag kang magpadalos-dalos sa mga desisyon mo sa buhay. Tignan mo ang sarili mo. Mukha kang basura simula pa kagabi, Greyson," he uttered while frowning. "Kung 'di humingi ng tulong 'yong kaibigan mo sa akin, baka ano na ang nangyari sa iyo."

"What do you mean? I don't understand you," ang sabi ko sa kanya nang naka-kunot noo.

"Oo, wala ka ngang alam kaya dapat mag-ingat ka," ang sinagot niya. Kung 'di lang pangit ang pakiramdam ko, baka nasaktan ko na ang lalaking ito. He's giving me broad answers like how my mom does whenever she scolds me.

"Babo," he blurted before he went out of our room.

I'm pissed. I am fucking pissed.