Defeat - 1

June 2016

"Let's break up."

Three words. That's all I've heard from him after three months. Tumingin ako sa mga mata nya at nabanaag ko doon na seryoso sya sa mga katagang binitawan. Napakalamig ng tingin na ibinabato nya sa akin at wala ng bakas ng kahit anong emosyon ang mga mata nyang iyon.

When the school year ends, our relationship is already on the rocks. Mula ng araw na bumisita ako kila dad, mas naging kapansin pansin ang kalamigan nya sa akin. I even felt that he's making me jealous so that we will end up fighting. Mas naging malapit sya sa Queen ng ADA na tila ba nais nyang pasakitan ako. Ang dating supladong hari ng ADA ay naging lapitin sa ibang estudyante partikular na sa mga babaeng hindi na itinago ang pagkakagusto sa kanya. He keeps on entertaining other girls when I am around as if it is his way of making me fell out of love. But I tolerated it. The pain. Because I know that it is more painful if I let him go when I knew that he really loves me.

I try to understand him. Dahil alam kong ginagawa nya iyon dahil akala nya ay hindi ko pa din alam ang totoo. But he keeps on provoking me that we always ended up shouting at each other and not talking for weeks. The last time we got caught in a fight is the day before the second semester ends. Kaya din halos wala kaming komunikasyon buong bakasyon dahil sa huling away namin dalawa. Umuwi si Mom kaya naman kinailangan kong umuwi sa bahay at magstay hanggang bago mag simula ang panibagong school year. And now, after not communicating for three months. This is all I've heard from him.

"Why?" Hindi kakikitaan ng emosyon ang mukha na tanong ko sa kanya bago nanghihinang umupo sa bleachers ng oval kung saan nya ako dinala ng puntahan ko sya sa council's room. Naubos na yata ang tinipon kong lakas sa tatlong salitang binitawan nya. Maging ang tuwang hatid ng magandang balitang natanggap ko kailan lang na nais ko sanang sabihin sa kanya ay hindi ko na maramdaman.

Nanatili syang tahimik na tila ba malalim na pinag-iisipan kung anong kasinungalingan ang sasabihin nya na paniniwalaan ko.

"Tell me why? Did I do something wrong?" Muli kong tanong at lakas-loob na tumingin sa mga mata nya. But like before, I saw nothing.

Yes Marcielle Anne. You did something wrong but you still trying to act like you did nothing. Uyam na wika ng isang bahagi ng isip ko.

He sighed and looked away. "No. Hindi ko na lang talaga ramdam na mahal pa kita."

Lie. Look at me and tell it to my face. Sigaw ng isip ko ngunit bigo akong isatinig.

Malalim na buntong hininga ang pinakawalan ko. "Why?" Why do you have to go this far and lie about your feelings? Mahirap ba talagang sabihin ang totoo? Ulit ko na sinarili na lamang ang mga katanungan na iyon.

"Maybe I don't really love you that much. Siguro nadala lang ako. I don't know. Basta nagising na lang ako isang araw na hindi na gaya dati yung nararamdaman ko para sayo. That's why we should break up." Again, he's not looking at me while saying those things.

"Pano kung ayaw ko? It's not enough reason. Iyon lang ba talaga ang rason mo o baka may hindi ka pa sinasabi sakin? Tell it now." Seryoso kong tanong na nagpabaling ng tingin nya sakin.

I asked cause right now, I wanted to hear the truth from him, so I can stop lying to him too. We're both lying to each other but why am I being left out? Hindi ba nya ko talaga kayang ipaglaban kaya mas pipiliin nya pang mag sinungaling? Mas matatanggap ko pa siguro kung nagsasabi sya ng totoo. At least I'm aware that he can't fight for us, because I will do it on his behalf. If he really loves me no matter what our parents say, I will fight for us. But right now, I'm mad. Hindi nya man lang kasi ako binibigyan ng pagkakataon na lumaban. It's as if he's asking me to quit and accept defeat.

I wonder if it's the punishment for taking what's his in the first place. Bumalik sa isipan ko ang mga pag-aalo nya sa akin nung mga panahon na hindi ko pa tanggap ang nangyari sa pamilya ko. I feel ashamed of myself. I keep on hating them when the truth is that I am the one who took that happiness to him in the first place. It should have been his, not mine. Yet I make him feel bad so I guess, this is really my punishment.

"There's no more reason for this than me falling out of love with you." He said after a long silence that makes me really furious.

"Why don't you just tell her the truth?" Akihiro came out of somewhere that surprised me. Mataman syang nakatingin samin dalawa habang nakapamulsa.

"Truth? What truth?" Kunot ang noong tanong ko habang palipat-lipat ang tingin sa kanilang dalawa. I don't know if Hiro is talking about Vaughn's secret or there's something else.

Hiro walked towards us and stand beside me. "The real reason why he wanted to break up with you."

"So what is it?" Tanong ko kahit na nagtataka ako kung bakit sya nandito.

Vaughn keeps silent so Hiro do the talking as if it was planned way before.

"The reason why he wanted to break up with you is because he slept with someone else during those three months. It's not because he fell out of love with you but because he cheated on you." Malamig na wika ni Hiro habang seryosong nakatingin kay Vaughn.

I looked at him unbelievably waiting for his response. Pero nanatili lang syang tahimik habang kuyom ang mga kamay. Pakiramdam ko ay tinarakan ng patalim ang puso ko sa narinig. Hindi ko akalain na makakaya nyang gawin iyon para lang may matibay na dahilan sya para kalasan ako.

Natawa ako ng pagak. I feel defeated not because he cheated. I feel defeated because he'll do everything, even using Hiro to tell lies just to have a reason for our break up instead of telling me the truth that I've been wanting to hear.

I took a deep breath and turn my back at them. "If that's what you really want then fine. I'll let you go." Wika ko bago sila tuluyang iniwan.

I may be loving him so much but I'm tired of pretending. If that's what he really wants then I'll give it to him. But I won't stop.

Loving him that is. I'll just take a break. And settle everything once and for all after I give back what's his.

So just for now...

I'll accept my defeat.