You Are

Shock followed by fluttery queasiness in her stomach churned Iris's mind to mush. Miss her? What was he trying to say in this type of situation? Iris couldn't fathom it as she wouldn't allow her thoughts and feelings to get ahead of herself.

She pushed gently but forcefully away from his embrace, protesting, "Jin, what're you—" But hardly was she able to get her words out before she was crushed in yet another hug.

"Just one hug," murmured Jin, "can we just stay like this for a moment?"

Iris was speechless, trying to make sense of her chaotic mind that tugged her in multiple directions. She was so confused, so embarrassed, so happy, yet so heartbroken. Just what was this feeling?

Jin continued quickly, preventing Iris from coherently decluttering her thoughts. "I wanted to see you perform one last time. I'm sorry I didn't contact you before; although, I was also hoping that maybe you'd say something too—"

"Wait," interrupted Iris, suddenly grasping a clear train of thought, "so you were planning to— just what were you going to do?"

In the end, despite her short burst of determination, Iris couldn't even get those dreaded words out. She left them up to Jin to confirm himself.

The news about BTS and Jin, about whether he'd temporarily leave the group in order to enlist, was everywhere these days. While Jin conveyed his willingness as a dutiful South Korean citizen to serve when called, Iris could only flashback to his tone of voice when he answered the question about enlistment in a press conference.

His voice had bordered on a thread of unsteadiness as he strived to be brave and stoical in his words. Military enlistment in itself wasn't scary—it was the time away from his BTS brothers, his passion for his career, and his devoted, cute ARMY that pulled sharply at his heartstrings.

That incessant worry about BTS's future despite their current fame and status, the worry of doing well and making their fans proud, being able to inspire others. All of this hovered over BTS's head, and for Jin, as the first to enlist, he had the additional worry of things falling apart slowly.

Not even the biggest groups were safe from slipping out of the limelight. Top predecessors like Big Bang, Super Junior, and EXO had all suffered from missing members and lack of exposure and promotions since their members began military service. It was inevitable that with the fast paced k-pop industry, new groups would rise to the top. These newer generations rise above the previous generation and broke new records, building upon the shoulders of giants.

Although it's not like military enlistment meant a group was at risk of disbandment automatically due to it, since BTS was still on their rise in fame with bigger acclamations, like Suga's most desired Grammy, potentially on the table in 2020-21, the looming eventuality of military service was a damper to their soaring spirits.

BTS believed and trusted in ARMY and the wonders that their fandom had helped create for them, but group members and fans grew up. Time moved on. They had always known this, but they felt the realization more starkly and bittersweetly than ever before.

Jin knew exactly what Iris was implying. Her unspoken question was louder and clearer than her actual surface level question that beat around the bush and elephant in the room.

"Yes, I'm enlisting in a few weeks. I didn't think I'd see you before then," he explained, fumbling in conviction. "No..." He mumbled. "I wasn't even sure if I 'should' see you." His words were like a burdened sigh, weighing heavily upon Iris's heart as she listened.

"Then.. you were planning to just leave without saying anything..?" Her voice came out quieter than she expected.

"I know I should've said something, tried to make one of your concerts, actually send you a ticket—although you didn't give me one either you liar—" Jin couldn't help snorting at Iris's self-interjection as she then continued, "but you could've said something at least, we're close friends, right? Or is it just me that feels like this?"

At the designation of "friend," Jin felt a burning sting upon his chest. Yes, they were friends. Nothing more, nothing less. She had drawn this line from the very beginning despite her personableness, openness, and sincerity. And it was better this way.

After all, how could he hinder and distract Iris right before the moment she stepped onto that bright stage? It would be two long years of military service. Anything could change by then, not just fame or status or popularity. Hearts changed too.

But they had a bigger gap too. Jin was now more aware than ever of his age. He never saw it as a problem considering he was deemed to be the "fake maknae" and had looks to match his youthful nature, but with enlistment, he would be thirty-one (Korean age) by the time his service duty was complete.

Iris was six years younger and in the prime of her life as a musician and idol. During these past few years, he joked about getting older with his creaky limbs. But he was half serious too as he expressed this to his fans about having to keep up with BTS's intense choreography.

If this was another period of time in their lives, maybe both of them could be a little more courageous and selfish. But too many expectations and responsibilities weighed on their shoulders.

Jin considered distancing himself from Iris before he left for all these reasons, but he couldn't help wishing to see her one last time, even just from afar.

He didn't think that he'd get caught like this by Iris just moments after he left the venue. And he didn't expect his feet to run to Iris without even thinking one last time too.

The heart spoke loudly in actions. However, without any actual words shared and confirmed, their relationship would remain ambiguous with the veil of friendship.

"No, I'm sorry. You're right." Jin released Iris and peered at her quietly from an arm's length away. "I shouldn't have distanced myself when we could've enjoyed chatting with one another before I go. But I hope you understand my intentions why."

Iris returned his steady gaze with an equally piercing and quiet one. Although she had said those words, she couldn't help feeling hurt by her own drawing of lines. 'This is for the best.' She kept repeating that sentence in her head over and over.

"I do." She finally replied with a torn smile. "You are.." Iris inwardly shook her head. She wanted to say 'special,' but she couldn't.

Iris didn't know when it started, when they became so close, and when Jin became the BTS member she talked and interacted with the most. But here she was, stuck in her own trap.

"You are an amazing and talented person." Iris paused, striving to brighten her smile in order to lift the mood and encourage Jin. "You're bound to do well wherever you go. I just know that people will love you in the military. Make sure to rest up and unburden your mind after seven years of working so hard. Take it as a vacation of sorts, yes?"

Jin grinned weakly, but his eyes were sparkling. "Yeah, I will. Thank you.. Iris."