Review Detail of Eldritch_Umbra in Supreme Territory System

For a first work, this is a start. I would suggest using paragraphs, rather than going sentence by sentence. Next, your descriptions could use some work. While they do get the image you want across, the reader has to make mental leaps to figure what's happened. The word choice could be a lot better in some areas, and the dialogue is rather odd to read most of the time. Finally, some background on how the world and powers work would be good.