This is my impressions of your story: Pros: + Lots of descriptions + A father-daughter relationship? + Plot makes me invested to know what would happen next Cons: - The descriptors seem to drag the story on - Sentences can be shortened - First chapter was a bit confusing (I struggle with this as well) - Set up for the bigger picture? (Needs Build-up) This story reminds me a lot of the anime "The Rising Shield Hero" as the relationship between the Nannade and Garrett is similar to Naofumi and Raphtalia. It might have a more serious connotation compared to the latter, but good nonetheless.
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Thanks for the review, but especially when seeing "Needs Build-up" I have to ask: Did you read the prologue? The novel went through several hectic restructuring in the last two day, so I have to ask, whether you read the prologue and whether you read until chapter VI of Childhood&Charity
I did read the prologue and I might have not been clear on the build up critic, so I'll explain. The prologue did introduce the main conflict and segways after introducing Garrett, but the first hapter and the next introduced a lot of ideas, such as: the collar of slavery (why removing such would kill someone?), magecraft (how does your magic system work?), charges of crime (what is Nannade/Fibi really accused of?), Garrett's motivations, etc. As you can see, there are a lot of questions that need to be answered in the near future. What I meant by "Needs Build Up" is that you need the details leading to these answers in the future and if you trail on the story without answering or putting more details to confuse readers, it's gonna have a really bad effect in the long run. You (since you're a writer) need to find the execution for this and hope it pays off, haha. I suffer from this as I tend to leave details out. Don't want anyone to fail in the same trap as me. Just think of the cons as "This is what you need to work on" rather than a negative comment. Hopefully this explains it a bit better.
I did a typo by accident (typing on phone is hard), so mind them please.
Daddy_Ike:I did read the prologue and I might have not been clear on the build up critic, so I'll explain. The prologue did introduce the main conflict and segways after introducing Garrett, but the first hapter and the next introduced a lot of ideas, such as: the collar of slavery (why removing such would kill someone?), magecraft (how does your magic system work?), charges of crime (what is Nannade/Fibi really accused of?), Garrett's motivations, etc. As you can see, there are a lot of questions that need to be answered in the near future. What I meant by "Needs Build Up" is that you need the details leading to these answers in the future and if you trail on the story without answering or putting more details to confuse readers, it's gonna have a really bad effect in the long run. You (since you're a writer) need to find the execution for this and hope it pays off, haha. I suffer from this as I tend to leave details out. Don't want anyone to fail in the same trap as me. Just think of the cons as "This is what you need to work on" rather than a negative comment. Hopefully this explains it a bit better.
Actually, my biggest regret about the current chapters 1-10 is that they are stuffed with exposition and world building, especially chapters 4+5, who to me, consist of mostly exposition, especially about the magic system. I know that chapter 2 is incredibly long, but I used it as a basis to calm down and take the people's current situation into scope.
Daddy_Ike:I did read the prologue and I might have not been clear on the build up critic, so I'll explain. The prologue did introduce the main conflict and segways after introducing Garrett, but the first hapter and the next introduced a lot of ideas, such as: the collar of slavery (why removing such would kill someone?), magecraft (how does your magic system work?), charges of crime (what is Nannade/Fibi really accused of?), Garrett's motivations, etc. As you can see, there are a lot of questions that need to be answered in the near future. What I meant by "Needs Build Up" is that you need the details leading to these answers in the future and if you trail on the story without answering or putting more details to confuse readers, it's gonna have a really bad effect in the long run. You (since you're a writer) need to find the execution for this and hope it pays off, haha. I suffer from this as I tend to leave details out. Don't want anyone to fail in the same trap as me. Just think of the cons as "This is what you need to work on" rather than a negative comment. Hopefully this explains it a bit better.
